AIBU to feel sad and judged about my relationship with my son

[JeanieAdriana]

My son is 12, he is very tall and big for his age and looks much older. He has ASD and is the kindest, most sensitive and loving son I could have hoped for. We call him our gentle giant.

When we are out in public he likes to hold my hand and stay close, he instigates this. I often see people look and stare, it’s as if they are trying to work out the relationship between us, no doubt some may think he is my toy boy!

We’ve just been out taking the dog for a walk. A man heard my son call me mum and actually said ‘he’s a bit old to be holding your hand isn’t he?’ I said ‘he’s only 12’. We carried on walking and I heard the woman with him muttering something about me ‘babying him’ and how it was ‘ridiculous to be holding his mums hand at his age’.

As I said this hand holding comes from my son, not me. Should I be trying to discourage it?

What absolute arses. I think your relationship sounds completely lovely and you're doing exactly what you should, which is helping and supporting your boy. Sod them.

I would loudly and directly tell them to bugger off next time.

I have a tall 8yo with ASD, and I cuddle him and hold his hand in public constantly and intend to continue doing it until he doesn't want it anymore. It's what they want and need, and so it's what they should have. Anyone who can't understand that is just a sad jerk.

OP, I'm nearly 30 and I still hold my Mum's hand. Ignore them.

I have an 8 year old who I am trying to allow a little freedom.
He went off the other day in the supermarket to pick up something and I knew he'd gone the wrong way so I called out to him.
Some busybody then had a very loud conversation with her husband about how ridiculous it was that I was shouting my child and exactly who was in charge?
I turned round and said "I'm in charge but don't you know it's very bad manners to comment on other people's parenting choices?". She ignored me and carried on chuntering. I was furious.

This:

Love it. Will Smith on why worrying about other people's opinions is toxic.

YANBU and you and your son sound gorgeous.

The correct response to comments like ‘he’s a bit old to be holding your hand isn’t he?’ is 'mind your own business', with an optional insert of 'fucking' if needed/wanted.

My NT dd and DS will both hold my and DH's hand when out in public sometimes.
We had a first day at school and DS have me a massive cuddle at collection time in the gym, when I looked round he certainly wasn't the only DC or DS to be getting one.
Don't give it a second though OP.

I agree with everyone else - ignore any comments. What on earth has it got to do with other people!

First day of secondary school, they are 11.

I'm nearly 40 and I still hold my mum's hand. DSD is 19 and she holds my hand sometimes.

Ignore them OP, they're just showing themselves up as bad mannered busy bodies. Whatever happened to: if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing?

sour pusses should mind their own business instead of worrying about someone else's kindness towards family by holding hands or giving a hug.

Kids, grands, we hold hands sometimes. My almost 30 . year old son always says he loves me on the phone and he doesn't give a shite who hears him. :)

Didn't hear it nearly enough growing up and whenever I talk to family, we always say we love each other.

If I saw you I would smile inwardly and know. Screw everyone else OP. You sound like a lovely mum.

My ds is 11, is the same height as me and has adhd. He’s the most loving, sensitive boy and is very tactile. He’s always cuddling and holding my hand at home and out in public, I love it. I think it’s great he’s happy to express himself without fear or embarrassment. My eldest (dd15) and younger two (dd10 and ds8) wouldn’t be seen holding my hand out and about although they’re very affectionate at home. Make the most of it! X

Ignore them OP. I think it is lovely.
There is an autistic man living around here since he was a child, he walks to the shop holding his dads hand every evening at the same time and has done forever, his Dad is 70 now.
I saw two DC about 7 mocking them and explained it was wrong.
Only today I was leaving the SC my DS is 4 ASD but looks 6, he can walk about inside the SC but needs to be in his buggy with the hood down outside, all outside noise scares him, two ladies made a comment when I got the the exit and he jumped in. I ignored them I'm used to people starring at my big DC in his buggy, judging me.

I would expect by secondary school that most kids would not want to hold their mums hand in public. I doubt it will last much longer.

i linked held my mum hands at 30!
and i think i even did with my dad on the very odd time.
fuck em.

It’s horrible being made to feel ‘weird’ or ‘wrong’. I’m sorry you get that.

One of my godsons has always called me his other mum and since he had an accident & suffered brain damage he’s always holding my hand and kissing me in public. He’s 30 now and I’m late 40’s so no doubt people do think we are ‘together’ especially as he’s 6ft and well built - very much a man, not a boy And they probably wonder what the fuck he sees in me (short, fat, definitely my age) but he thinks that’s funny and tells me he lives me if people are staring!

Frankly we are lucky he survived the accident so really IDGAF what randoms think! 🤷🏻‍♀️ But I guess I care enough that I hate being made to feel uncomfortable!

If your ds was a dd no one would have said anything.
They are a pair of ignorant twats.
Ignore them and embrace the moment.
It will soon pass.
Bless him and you.

My ds1 is 13yo and often wants to hold my hand, or get hugs, in public. He has autism and other SNs along with anxiety and says that holding my hand makes him feel safer when we're somewhere busy, noisy, crowded, or new to him. If he gets too anxious, he will run, so given the option of holding his hand or chasing after him running off down the street, I'll take the hand holding any day. He doesn't care if other people judge it or not, so I need to take my cue from him on that and stop worrying about it.

It is toxic masculinity isn't it - my 14 year old DD (no SN) sometimes holds my hand, and nobody says anything except that it's nice we're close perhaps they think she's looking after her old mum

@kuga I think you are wrong that it matters if it is a DD or DS. I actually see more leeway in attitudes of physical affection towards sons.
If you live in a nice area you probably won't come across this. If you live in a rough area, you will.

You shouldn't have to, but if you want to spare your son from hearing idiot's comments you could link arms rather than hold hands - that's what I do with vulnerable young adults I look after, as holding hands with other people's early 20s sons and daughters doesn't seem quite comfortable, but linking arms is fine.

Who are these people who feel the need to tell complete strangers how to live? I genuinely can’t think of how a person like that happens! Honestly it’s a special kind of ego that thinks a) they’re right and b) anyone wants to hear it.

You carry on as you are. The only one who gets to call time on it is your ds. It’s nothing to do with anyone else.

My lad is 19 and still wants to hold my hand/link arms
I love it and we just ignore any nasty looks or comments
I’m just sad that he won’t want to soon due to a new girlfriend but that’s his choice
We often sit on the sofa holding hands too
It’s lovely

Some people are strange about hand holding. I hold my husband's hand all the time. I've heard some people said it's either infantilising or flaunting our relationship or suggesting that hand-holders are fake. The truth is we are happy with each other and it's natural. I'm not bothered with the opinions of others.

I used to link arms with my mum all the time. If someone wants to think that's strange or infantile, let them.

She'd often come to stay and whenever my husband was away on business, we'd share a bed like we sometimes did when I was little. Normal and natural.

She got embarrassed about her snoring in the end - it was loud enough to wake the dead and I admit I sometimes jabbed her in the ribs at 3am to make her turn over - so she eventually kept to her own bed.

I slept better but you know what? I regret it now. You can never underestimate the comfort and joy of physical contact with someone you love.

I'm a bit weepy now and know I'm being ridiculous because her epic snoring kept me awake for hours - sometimes I could even hear it in the spare room with all the doors closed and felt murderous .

But keep on doing what is right for you and your son JeanieAdriana

I've known both my parents recently held my hand to cross the road, as they did when I was a kid...I'm now in my 40s so it's purely habit n makes me smile that even at this age they think I'm incapable