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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel quite hurt by this?

83 replies

ChesterOfDraws · 23/08/2019 22:33

I've name changed for this because some details are quite outing. Just for a bit of background-
When I was pregnant, I set up a Facebook group for other pregnant mums due the same month as me. There are just over 90 members! Our babies are all toddlers now so most of us know each other fairly well and a few members have even had meet ups etc which is lovely. It's a great group and in the 2 years it's been running, there's not been a single argument or bad word against any member at all.

Back in May, one member had an accident which needed a hospital stay and surgeries etc. Someone came up with the idea of having a whip round and sending her a gift to show her we were thinking of her. A lot of people contributed and she was overjoyed with her gift.

At the end of May, a close family member of mine was in a very bad accident, it was very touch and go for weeks, they nearly died at one point, we were called to the hospital to be told it was very likely. The day after the accident I cut a parent out of my life (long story) the next day I was told my grandparent had a few weeks to live. So I was upset about my parent and grandparent, spending every minute I could at the hospital with broken family member as well as juggling my homelife. Basically the whole of June was absolute hell for me, it was a horrible stressful time.

I was posting about all of this in my mums group on FB and they were fairly supportive, said nice things like they were thinking of me and they hoped my family member would pull through (they finally just got out of hospital last week!).

Sometime in June a different group member lost a close relative so another collection and gift was organised. She was touched and very grateful.

In July my grandparent passed away. And a group member had a health scare so we had a collection for her. She was delighted and happily, her health scare turned out to be nothing sinister which of course is wonderful news.

Now another member is ill, which is awful, and the group are organising yet another collection.

I just can't help but feel really hurt that they did nothing for me. I'm not greedy, or grabby, I certainly didn't expect anything. But with all these different collections going on, and I was passed by when I was going through hell, it just feels really hurtful and I want to say something to them. But at the same time I don't want to say anything for fear of coming across as grabby and entitled.

AIBU to feel hurt? Would you feel hurt?

OP posts:

3LoudBoys · 23/08/2019 22:36

I think you need to take a step back from the group and think of the wider picture. I wouldn't get upset about it.

Prisonbreak · 23/08/2019 22:38

No I wouldn’t be bothered but I’ve also never liked the ‘whip round’ thing. I have never felt right about it

Zebraaa · 23/08/2019 22:39

I don’t think you can say anything without appearing grabby. I think you may need to realise these people may not be as concerned about you as you think? (In the nicest possible way)

Blutopia · 23/08/2019 22:44

Are you usually the instigator of the collections OP, as the founder of the group? Do you suppose nobody else felt able to step up and arrange something for you?

Bit weird but possible! Honestly, yes I suppose for a fleeting moment I would feel slightly aggrieved in your position. But, well, people are fickle and there are far more important things to worry about so I wouldn't give it too much more headspace.

Will it matter in 5 years? Probably not. Let it go, and I hope things improve for you.

Original poster

ChesterOfDraws · 23/08/2019 22:45

I know what you mean Zebraaa, I thought that too. I guess I just didn't want to admit it to myself. It appears that I'm just as shit at making friends over the internet as I am in real life

OP posts:

stitchwitch84 · 23/08/2019 22:49

OP, I would feel hurt in the same circs. I think your follow up post is quite telling - feeling shit at making friends. I can totally sympathise with that feeling as I am also constantly comparing myself to my peers/judging myself on the number & quality of friends I have. It's pure insecurity and I can at least name it as such now, having identified it.

Separately, I’m sorry you’ve been having such a shitty time and I hope things improve for you very soon. Have an un-Mumsnetty hug.

YummyFoodie · 23/08/2019 22:52

Well, that actually does sound somewhat grabby. Stop dwelling on trivialities and enjoy your child. I recommend laying off Facebook and looking at the real world more. Go for a walk. Breathe. Have a nice long bath.

OooErMissus · 23/08/2019 22:54

I completely understand feeling aggrieved, but if you bring this up, i think the others will never quite look at you in the same way again.

I would urge you to step back a bit from the group - it seems a bit all-consuming, and that probably isn't helping.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 23/08/2019 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeffaLump1 · 23/08/2019 22:58

I would be a little upset too. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 22:59

Good god there is far too much collecting money for gifts. I'd step back from the group. Dont respond to further requests for money. It's ridiculous and puts people in an uncomfortable position if they cannot afford it yet feel obliged to contribute.

EC22 · 23/08/2019 23:00

Some members are more popular than others, it’s hurtful but try not to take it too personally.

ashtrayheart · 23/08/2019 23:04

The group sounds crazy ! - a collection for a health scare that turned out to be nothing sinister?
I can see why you might feel a bit left out when there seems to be a collection every time someone feels a bit poorly

Each2TheirOwn · 23/08/2019 23:04

YANBU! I've been in a similar position to you and it's shit, really hurtful. As others have said, decline any further requests for contributions going forward. You don't give to receive but it's not about the 'gifts' it's the thought that counts and they haven't given any thought or consideration to you so it's time to draw the line x

MyForbiddenLover · 23/08/2019 23:10

I was on an ivillage antenatal/post natal club a few years ago and similar happened on there. Some would just need to post that they'd broken a fingernail and someone would be organising a collection, whilst others went through some awful times and just got 'oh dear' type of replies and no collection. It always seems to happen in groups.

Personally I don't donate to such collections and wouldn't want one to be done for me either. I'd rather spend money on one of my real friends than randoms on the internet.

ymf117 · 23/08/2019 23:15

It's not about being grabby it's about being thought about. I have several circles of friends and we all do this type of thing. Although harder over the internet I suppose. Are there a few you are closer to or just a general group? Wouldn't have taken much to arrange a card either way.

unfortunateevents · 23/08/2019 23:17

The collections are getting out of hand. In a group of 90 someone is always going to be seriously ill/out of work/have a bereavement/seriously ill child or family member etc. Where is it all going to end? Do you know all of these people or did you know some of them and the others have all been added just because you were having babies in the same month?

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 23/08/2019 23:30

I can understand how you are feeling. But if you have got the examples correct then the collections were for different that’s what you sadly went through. You said June was hell for you. But the collections were for the members themselves who were in hospital having surgery, or being ill. Also one lost a close family member - it perhaps depends who the family member was? You lost your grandmother which is the only time that you perhaps ‘fitted the bill’. It sounds like they sympathised and hoped your family member made it and that you felt better. But as you weren’t actually personally I’ll they didn’t send you a gift.
It’s all a bit odd.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 23/08/2019 23:51

But other than the one who lost a "close family member" the other collections are for members who themselves were ill. How close was the family member to the group member involved? Because husband or child I can understand sending something but not really a grandparent. I'm sorry you've had an awful time but I do think you're slightly U. Sorry.

Original poster

ChesterOfDraws · 23/08/2019 23:58

Yes that's it @ymf117, it's not about the gift itself, it's about the thought.

OP posts:

littlemissdynamite · 24/08/2019 00:06

I would defo be leaving the group.

And if anyone asks tell them why.

Sorry you feel so shit and so blue about this @ChesterOfDraws

I do detest these big group things... Be it on the internet or in real life.

For various reasons... One of them being similar things have happened to me (that has happened to you.)

Sorry for all your troubles, but do step away from the group now.

Good luck.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 24/08/2019 00:21

@YummyFoodie - horrible post. You read the words, but you didn't appreciate the feelings behind them. No need to stick the boot in here.

OP, I'm really sorry, but I kind-of agree with PPs that you a little bit U and I also agree that if you express your feelings then you'll alienate yourself from the group.

You do sound lovely and that you've gone through a very tough time, but I don't think they're being mean or insensitive. Sorry.

Your situations are somewhat different.

Also, if you started the group then you're probably perceived a bit differently by the group.

I'm sorry you're going through this

SuzieSunshine · 24/08/2019 00:57

Sorry OP - are these people that you actually know (friends of friends of friends etc) and live nearby you or are they people from all over the country who have joined the group? I'm thinking probably the latter. Why don't you step back from the group and see how long it takes someone to contact you to see where you've been and if you are OK? See how long it takes for them to notice you've 'gone missing' and when someones asks you, tell them that you've felt really down about what's happened to you recently and that it's made you feel worse worrying about everybody else's problems too, so you decided to have a bit of a breather. It might make them realise that you have had a shitty time too. FWIW - I'd feel very hurt too.

StockTakeFucks · 24/08/2019 01:09

YANBU. But there's not a lot you can do about it. You can't make them care ,or show that they care in a particular way.

So your only options are to get over it and leave the group and the people in it behind.

Do not flounce. Do not say it's because of the gifts. Definitely do not play the "are they going to notice I'm gone game?". Be a grownup and hold your head high. You're worth more than this.

Out of curiosity what are the dynamics of the group? Are there little sub groups that are closer than the rest? What's the relationship between the organiser (is it the same person every time?) and the women who've received something?

springydaff · 24/08/2019 01:55

As you set up the group you're seen as the 'mummy'. And we all know mummy isn't appreciated!

Yes, hurtful. Try not to take it too personally - I know what's hard. People are fickle and selfish and cliquey, especially in big groups. I'm sorry this has hurt you

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