To feel quite hurt by this?

[ChesterOfDraws]

I've name changed for this because some details are quite outing. Just for a bit of background-
When I was pregnant, I set up a Facebook group for other pregnant mums due the same month as me. There are just over 90 members! Our babies are all toddlers now so most of us know each other fairly well and a few members have even had meet ups etc which is lovely. It's a great group and in the 2 years it's been running, there's not been a single argument or bad word against any member at all.

Back in May, one member had an accident which needed a hospital stay and surgeries etc. Someone came up with the idea of having a whip round and sending her a gift to show her we were thinking of her. A lot of people contributed and she was overjoyed with her gift.

At the end of May, a close family member of mine was in a very bad accident, it was very touch and go for weeks, they nearly died at one point, we were called to the hospital to be told it was very likely. The day after the accident I cut a parent out of my life (long story) the next day I was told my grandparent had a few weeks to live. So I was upset about my parent and grandparent, spending every minute I could at the hospital with broken family member as well as juggling my homelife. Basically the whole of June was absolute hell for me, it was a horrible stressful time.

I was posting about all of this in my mums group on FB and they were fairly supportive, said nice things like they were thinking of me and they hoped my family member would pull through (they finally just got out of hospital last week!).

Sometime in June a different group member lost a close relative so another collection and gift was organised. She was touched and very grateful.

In July my grandparent passed away. And a group member had a health scare so we had a collection for her. She was delighted and happily, her health scare turned out to be nothing sinister which of course is wonderful news.

Now another member is ill, which is awful, and the group are organising yet another collection.

I just can't help but feel really hurt that they did nothing for me. I'm not greedy, or grabby, I certainly didn't expect anything. But with all these different collections going on, and I was passed by when I was going through hell, it just feels really hurtful and I want to say something to them. But at the same time I don't want to say anything for fear of coming across as grabby and entitled.

AIBU to feel hurt? Would you feel hurt?

I think though yours is probably a different situation:

The ill ones were members themselves. It wasn't you ill, if it was then they'd probably have done a collection. In my (much smaller than 90) group of friends I would expect to offer sympathy for family illness, and practical help where appropriate, but there would be a constant train of that!

You don't say what "close relative" of the friend passed away. I'm guessing probably parent or sibling, as if it was grandparent then you'd have said that. I think in people's minds that is more significant than a grandparent. People tend to think by adulthood that you're "lucky" if you've still got grandparents.

So I can see where they're coming from. It's not not thinking about you-you said they were supportive on the messages, and I think that is what matters really.

But actually if I was on the chat I'd probably be beginning to lose patience with so many collections.
It would seem grabby to say something, but I do get why you are hurt, but please, do see that your situations are different.

This is where it gets awkward
I'm in a group too and lots of whip around
I've never needed one thankfully
But seems to be ones every second week in group and sometimes sane people

It's a lovely thought but can get out of hand and people can get missed out

I'm actually in the group so I'm not sure if you want my opinion but here goes.

Firstly I agree with pps that the whip rounds aren't really a good idea. There are potentially too many of them, receiving the gift means giving out address online to strangers, and they just aren't necessary. I don't contribute to them.

So I don't organise or contribute to these as I said. However in your case I can think of a few reasons why you were missed out, and the reason isn't that people don't like you.

When you were telling your brothers story, you seemed worried of course, but not super distressed. You were somewhat making light of the situation, saying he is commonly in accidents. Maybe you were just trying to keep up hope and good spirits, and it came off that you weren't as worried as you really were.

When it comes to the fight with your parent, I would say keep in mind other problems other people have posted about who also haven't received whip rounds. Examples are miscarriages, severe birth injuries, babies diagnosed with sn, divorce/seperation.

Also the whip rounds seem to be getting more common as time goes on, and back when you posted I think only one had happened (in like a year). Now it's gathering steam and people seem to do it all time. If you posted it for the first time today, you may well have got one.

Sorry, just realised you didn't specify who the family member was in the OP, ask Mn to edit or delete my post if necessary.

@The8eves

You really should report your own post to MNHQ for revealing who OP’s family member was. It’s bit fair to expect OP to do it.

*its not fair, that should be

I agree with previous posters that while your own life events have been upsetting, they are different to (say) someone with large unexpected medical bills, or inability to work/lost income due to illness.

Also, as you set up the group, as the admin/moderator, take this opportunity to introduce new guidelines, saying some members are more comfortable reaching out personally rather than collectively.

I’m sorry you have had upsetting events but I think it is best to expect no more then ‘thoughts and prayers’ from an online group.

I used to be a member of a group like this and it was a collection for something every other week. I didn’t like it because I felt the person who was in charge liked some members more than others so some were more likely to get a collection.

AIBU to feel hurt? Would you feel hurt?

sorry for your loss.

YANBU. I totally know how you feel.

I didn’t even get a ‘happy birthday’ off some friends this year. Most of them forgot last year but I go a few late messages after DH had posted on FB with a pic. This year we were going out a week before my b.day & I commented it would be nice to go out so close to my b.day- still not one birthday greeting. I never forget any of theirs.
After having a major operation I got a couple of messages. Other friend has a fractured wrist and we are all having a whip-round for flowers.

I’m clearly not important to them at all.

(((((Soft Hugs)))))) ChesterOfDraws

It sucks, I know.

(((Hugs Sorrysorrysosorry ))) 🎂 Happens to me every year.

Whip rounds are never fair, they are a popularity contest

I can see why you're upset. It could be popularity. Or perhaps the group view the loss of a grandparent as less significant than the loss of a parent/sibling/partner? I'm assuming the other lady who was bereaved lost a closer relative, possibly in a traumatic or unexpected way?

Many women lose grandparents long before they have their own kids. And family conflicts/rifts/going NC are common occurrences. I'm not downplaying the trauma and grief you suffered, just trying to understand why the group didn't feel your situation justified a whip around.

I can see why they sent cards/flowers to the ladies going through illness/health scares as those ladies are members of the group.

But I don't think it's feasible to have a whip round every time a member has a loss/family feud/difficult time, with 90 women in the group there must be someone having a rough time every week.

Don't say anything about not getting a card/gift, you'll look petty and childish. I'm part of a similar group (160 members!) and one woman complained that nobody sent her flowers when she broke her ankle, yet flowers were sent to various other members when they were ill. I don't remember her posting about her broken ankle but there were lots of injuries/illnesses/people in crisis at that time so I guess priority went to those whose problems seemed most serious.

Also, the girl with the broken ankle was someone who posted a lot about herself yet rarely commented on other people's posts or offered kind words/support/advice. She came across (to me at least) as self absorbed and a bit cold, seeking attention but not giving much back.

I'm not saying you are like her, but if you think popularity plays a part, analyse how the 'popular' women post and how they respond to others in the group.

I've always found in groups/forums that it is usually the self absorbed ones who only post about themselves that get the collections, and gushing and sympathy.

I gave up charity collections and whip rounds this year. Not taken part in any so far. I found it was getting too much and constant.

Yes I think I would be hurt by this.
I'm sorry you've gone through so much 🌻🌺⚘

I think it's because (sadly) the whip rounds were for the group members that were ill personally - whereas although your situation sounds terrible, you were not the person directly afflicted. I think that was the factor in not having a collection for you. I'm sorry though that you've been through such a hard time x

I think it's because (sadly) the whip rounds were for the group members that were ill personally - whereas although your situation sounds terrible, you were not the person directly afflicted

But that isn’t the case. It would, almost, be understandable if it was.

Sometime in June a different group member lost a close relative so another collection and gift was organised. She was touched and very grateful.

I'm in a similar group which started on a different website and moved to fb a few years ago, our children are all 14 within a few weeks. We've had several meet ups etc. We've never had a whip around, not a single one, why go down that rabbit warren, the bloody things never end. Best to show support with time and words.

Probably back away from the group if it upsets you.

Ooh, I'm torn here. I'm in a similar group and we have a wee fund we use to make donations to charity funds / send gifts to those in need etc etc. But it's so completely arbitrary, sometimes we do it, sometimes we don't, and I honestly think it's more to do with whether or not someone thinks to suggest it, if that makes sense. I've never been sent anything (despite some testing times) but I wouldn't take it personally because it's not a measure of how much someone is liked or not.

I see you have a real answer from The8eves. Nice of you to come on and give an answer. Hope it isn't uncomfortable for you both.

😳😳😳 at The8eves

Can't believe you are part of this in RL & chose to address it here, include further identifying info on the OP and also 'helpfully' dissect the reasons she didn't get a gift.

I mean, yes, she posted & it's a forum, but could you not have responded to her more generally here & contacted her separately?

Sorry if my post was rude, I don't think it was. I addressed it on here as OP raised it on here.

And I just said that the "reasons" as I see them were basically what others suggested (lack of organisation etc) , and not that people don't like OP. I thought she might like to hear that, and it's true.

And it's uncomfortable for me as, like I said, I'm not part of the whip rounds anyway and I agree they are a silly idea.

I didn't think your post was rude, The8eves.
Thought it painted the op in quite a nice light and gave reasonable reasons for not doing collections, which were not negative on anyone.

@The8eves
I thought your post was lovely, you addressed her concerns by telling her the real reasons and that people don't dislike her. You were friendly and honest.