To feel quite hurt by this?

[ChesterOfDraws]

I've name changed for this because some details are quite outing. Just for a bit of background-
When I was pregnant, I set up a Facebook group for other pregnant mums due the same month as me. There are just over 90 members! Our babies are all toddlers now so most of us know each other fairly well and a few members have even had meet ups etc which is lovely. It's a great group and in the 2 years it's been running, there's not been a single argument or bad word against any member at all.

Back in May, one member had an accident which needed a hospital stay and surgeries etc. Someone came up with the idea of having a whip round and sending her a gift to show her we were thinking of her. A lot of people contributed and she was overjoyed with her gift.

At the end of May, a close family member of mine was in a very bad accident, it was very touch and go for weeks, they nearly died at one point, we were called to the hospital to be told it was very likely. The day after the accident I cut a parent out of my life (long story) the next day I was told my grandparent had a few weeks to live. So I was upset about my parent and grandparent, spending every minute I could at the hospital with broken family member as well as juggling my homelife. Basically the whole of June was absolute hell for me, it was a horrible stressful time.

I was posting about all of this in my mums group on FB and they were fairly supportive, said nice things like they were thinking of me and they hoped my family member would pull through (they finally just got out of hospital last week!).

Sometime in June a different group member lost a close relative so another collection and gift was organised. She was touched and very grateful.

In July my grandparent passed away. And a group member had a health scare so we had a collection for her. She was delighted and happily, her health scare turned out to be nothing sinister which of course is wonderful news.

Now another member is ill, which is awful, and the group are organising yet another collection.

I just can't help but feel really hurt that they did nothing for me. I'm not greedy, or grabby, I certainly didn't expect anything. But with all these different collections going on, and I was passed by when I was going through hell, it just feels really hurtful and I want to say something to them. But at the same time I don't want to say anything for fear of coming across as grabby and entitled.

AIBU to feel hurt? Would you feel hurt?

OP you can't force friendship. I'd step back from the group as you seem to be ignored. Invest your time for you and your family, not them.
@YummyFoodie your post is as cold as ice.

As brutal as this is going to sound, you need to put a stop to the collections.

I am assuming you are a moderator?

I am in a similiar type of group and we have arranged a collection twice and we have been going for at least 7 years.

I can understand completely that this would hurt, but there is absolutely no way of raising it with the group that won't make you appear grabby and whiny.
Would it help to think that some of these collections probably don't raise more than the price of a burger and chips, because lots of people don't have much money to spare and/or resent being continually asked to put their hands in their pockets?

I’m in a similar group and at the beginning of the year we put in £5 each into a kitty which is used to send cards to cheer up members. I’d suggest you do something similar and stop the whip arounds

The only time we’ve had one is when a member had a still birth and then another baby, which I thought was very appropriate, and sent gifts

Sounds like some people are getting poorly for the 'whip round' unless of course you have a very unlucky group.

I appreciate that you set the group up but friendships will be made, dynamics will change.

If it were my group and I was getting nothing from it - I don't mean financially, then I would close the group and leave them all to it.

Maybe it's a bit cliquey?

Dont take this the wrong way but
You aren't ill
Your grandparent died and that is heartbreaking for you but quite a few people have lost 1 or more grandparents by adulthood
You had a row with your mum or dad
And a relative I'm guessing not your spouse has been in an accident
You aren't ill your child is fine, you haven't lost a relative closer than a grandparent and your close family member is on the mend and you've had a supportive sounding board for all your problems even when everyone else has had stuff going on in their lives
Vs
An ill woman who's a mother got a collection
Someone lost someone they were close to I'm assuming not a grandparent or you'd have said
Someone else went through the fear of life being limited
And you consider yourself on a par to them

I think you need to step back and think why do they think I'm doing ok in the grand scheme of life vs those who've suffered parenting fears, loss or disease.
If we you look at the bigger picture I hope you can see you're doing ok compared to some other members

Please don’t feel bad you supported many in need giving is a creater gift then recieving yes it hurts it’s natural to feel that way but pad yourself at your shoulder too you helped those in need bc you wanted too and no one can take that away from you. Your a wonderfull person and those having you as a friend are blessed. So chear up stay strong and don’t give up on doing whats right

I think if people have posted saying they are thinking about you on your FB page - then there are some people who are thinking about you. - I do think if it was not you who was ill then to be honest I would not expect a whip round. Also ( & I believe this ) I would rather have one or two people thinking about me and wishing me well sincerely than 20 people sticking 50p into a card.

I would take your best wishes where you get them - sometimes more overt things are done more tritely.

I am sorry you feel like you do. I do wish you well in that you have obviously done a very very nice thing for a group which is just fabulous. And you are feeling a bit rubbish about things which have happened - so here you go - not a whip round but very best wishes from me and and and - and indeed anything else you would like. I can offer bears , brews , gin and glitter balls ( according to MN little pictures. )

Oh I hope you do not think I speak amiss , but I suspect @springydaff has a good point - you set the thing up so may be looked on differently - but also - don't take a collection and a present as being more meaningful than a very few people making meaningful comments. It's as easy as anything to shove a bit of money in an envelope ( virtual or otherwise. A few well chosen words and thoughts are much more ( I think) .

once more & I wish you well.

I guess it sounds lonely but I have learnt to keep my expectations of other people low. I enjoy their company, I like to spend time with them, but I expect nothing back, ever. Not gifts, not time, not kindness. I don't give anything easily and I don't take anything easily. Most people are focused on their little family group. If anyone is nice enough to think of me, that's a bonus but I don't expect them to.

I would be hurt too, it's not grabby to expect the same treatment as others. Time to take a step back from the group and don't waste anymore time on these people.

I would be a bit hurt too, but I would also find this group a nightmare to belong to! Endless collections would drive me up the wall!

Although I can empathize with you regarding how hurt your felt by not being supported by the group I think your hurt goes way deeper than this.
I too had a year very much like yours. One parent ill and one month of visiting hospital every day before my darling father died. The other parent had been cut out of my life too so whilst the hospital visits were going on I spent a lot time with 'cut out' parent. Once my father died the unspoken truce ended. I tried to speak to my mother to try and mend bridges but in grief she didn't want to talk to me and now she has moved house with strict instructions to make sure I do not have contact details. At my fathers funeral I thought I had lost both parents. Now a couple of months later I feel I'm beginning to move on with the help of a great bereavement counselor as I had many unresolved issues. Being human we are going to face these painful experiences but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I truly feel I am gaining strength and now keep company with those who love me.

Yanbu but I would step back from the group. How do they organise collections without the person knowing? Is it just not possible to do a whip round without you knowing?

I think it's very different when something happens to an actual member of the group vs family members. Then where would you stop if everyone was included. Yanbu to feel hurt though.

With 80 members there could be something in every members life that requires a whip round. I would reestablish group rules as it's going to get silly!

I came on to say what @SorryDidISayThatOutLoud said.

The collections were all for:

• People who were personally very sick
• for a person who lost a very close relative.

Whilst what you went through was very hard, you say:

• a close family member of mine was in a very bad accident
• I cut a parent out of my life (long story)
• the next day I was told my grandparent had a few weeks to live.
• In July my grandparent passed away

Whilst all that affected you of course, unfortunately people tend to do things like flowers and collections when you are personally sick or when you lose a close relative like a parent or sibling. When a grandparent dies it’s not shocking for unaffected people (of course it can be for the affected person).

Also, I mean this in gentlest way possible, are you over sharing on this group? Maybe people get compassion fatigue? Or is everyone sharing to the same extent?

It might be worth starting a discussion at a neutral time about whether whip-rounds are appropriate at all. They do carry twofold dangers - (a) that people get missed out (and I suspect you're not the only one) and (b) that they get started for increasingly trivial things and people get tired of being asked for money. Maybe time to put a lid on it?

There seems to be an awful lot of money collections going on in this group. I expect members are starting to feel resentful: if there's nearly 90 people in the group, no one will know everyone else that well, and we're talking about families with small children, who will only have so much disposable income for things like these.

In your shoes, I'd put a stop to the collections (I bet people will breathe a sigh relief, and nothing prevents those members that are closer to buy a small gift or something) and take a step back from the group. You've had a lot going on in your life lately, OP, and social media isn't always the best for our mental health.

I can understand where you are coming from op. I personally would step back from any further collections, party because of this but also with over 90 membership that’s going to be quite costly over time.
Don’t announce you’re not putting in or anything, just don’t contribute when it’s being organised. There not going to say to individuals we notice you’ve not chipped in.

Your group has evolved and is no longer giving the joy that is expected.
Don’t overthink on this and yes it’s hurtful but not intended as you might feel.
Apart from this episode are other things going well within the group.
Your not shit at making friendship look at the joy you’ve brought by starting this group up.
I don’t have a face book account, haven’t had the need to as I’m quite a private person.
Your group does seem attentive maybe next time you start something one of the rules would be no collections.
I’m sure others would quietly resent these contributions anyway.

It's hurtful, for sure. And will sting even more if, like you say, you are the type of person who struggles to make friends.

I'd imagine the severity of what you were going through and the impact it had on you, just wasn't understood by the group. You say the whip rounds started when a member herself had an accident - that was probably deemed more severe to what you went through.

Those whip rounds can be a pain in the ass. The gesture is lovely but whenever there's one at work or in the FB group that I'm in it almost always comes at a bad time like a few days before payday or the likes. Perhaps similar happened here? I'd imagine there are a few instigators in the group who always organize the whip rounds, maybe some or one just didn't have the funds at that time so didn't push the others? Or, given it's a Mummy group and summer, maybe people just happened to be really busy at the time?

Try not to take this one personally. It'd be a shame to have to leave the group

Look at it another way, when you were going through stressful times you had the support of a large network of friends. More valuable than a bunch of flowers, no?

I agree that whilst you obviously had a difficult few months, at no point were you or a child/ partner in jeopardy.

Don’t strop off, value the support you have. And make RL friends, too.

I expect that if you go back through all the posts since May, you will find there are plenty of people who have posted about sad or difficult things and there has been no collection. You’ve upset about it, so you’re just noticing the ones that have collections.

That’s the problem when you start these whip arounds when does it stop, where is the line drawn?

I would step back from the group and stop contributing in the future