Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad?

[HangrySquirrel]

I’m in my 20’s and moved out at 16 due to a horribly abusive parent. It was hard at points but I did okay working and having a HA flat (I know different areas mean that may not be possible for some 16 year olds) and have since obtained a degree and fairly decent job. Not rich but doing okay and working my way up. I’ve just helped my little sister (16) move out as well and she’s doing fine but I am supporting her to a degree (helped her get her flat, paid the bond and moving costs and bought some furniture for her).

However some of my friends are saying this is tantamount to abuse and they’d “never have coped” clearly forgetting I also moved out a 16 and didn’t have a kind older sister willing to pay for big ticket things, pay for the odd food shop etc. I would’ve moved her in with me if I could but I thought it best to get her a flat of her own and just make sure I’m able to extend a helping hand when needed as I don’t have a lot of space and she would’ve been on the sofa for the foreseeable.

Some of my friends are saying I should’ve asked social services to put her in care ( ) or moved to a bigger home to accommodate her. Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad or damaging especially if you’ve got an adult nearby to help with whatever you need and show you the ropes, so to speak? Wondering if I’m an anomaly and have wrecked my sisters life

People are so precious nowadays. I'm 32 and moved out at 18, I only didn't move out at 16 because I wasn't living with my bitch of a mother by then. But I was still looking after myself way before then. It may have been nice to try and house share, my early 20's cousins do. But it is not for everyone.

I have a 16 year old dd and I would be horrified if she lived alone- I seriously don’t think she’d survive and she would be incredibly lonely. But that’s just my dd. Maybe others are different...

I think it’s very young to live alone.

Raspberry - i’d agree it’s a tad precious to have the expectation that everyone lives at home until uni/early 20’s. I do find it a bit shocking that some people would sooner I try to have her put in the system over finding her a flat of her own; though. Especially as the last time I had any contact with a friend in foster care social services try to start making tracks for 16-18 year olds to live in a flat of their own anyway.
Good point re: house sharing. I did suggest it but she was worried about house sharing and I didn’t want to throw her from the frying pan into the fire if it was a “bad” house share.

I think it must be incredibly hard to live independently when not legally an adult. Can she even get credit for utilities etc?
But if you are there behind her, being a guarantor etc then she’s not in a bad place. Many have worse.

I think it’s young to live alone but that depends on what you’re moving away from. You’ve done amazingly and you’re helping your sister too. I would never knock that.

I moved out at 16 and moved to London*. I worked at Bourne and Hollingsworth department store in Oxford Street and lived in their hostel in Gower Street in Bloomsbury. It was fantastic.

*I went there from a psychiatric hospital in Sussex - the job + accommodation were arranged by the consultant psychiatrist. Getting away from my 'parents' was a priority.

Depends on the teen but I think a lot would struggle at that age. I work with care leavers who admittedly have complex issues but many of them find it very hard to live independently at 18 never mind 16. The main challenges are vulnerability to exploitation (sexual/gang etc), inability to budget so ending up in debt, being evicted and becoming homeless, and inability to maintain education/training alongside managing everything else and so being stuck in poverty trap from a young age. Obviously some teens are more sensible than others and your sister might well manage perfectly well but I think it's a lot to ask of a 16 year old.

Only You know the hell she was escaping, who else on here can judge?

You didn't kidnap her and force her to move away from the abuse, you helped her.

She can go back there anytime she wants...hopefully not.

Well done you x

You’ve done nothing wrong.
However I do feel a bit sad about the thought of a 16 year old having to cope on their own. I moved out slightly older and Jesus Christ I struggled.
Thankfully she has your support!

Yanbu

I left home at 15 and was so much better off for it. I'm 50 and still shudder to think how bad my life was before I left home.

Depends on the person. I know 16 year olds who are very capable and mature, but I also know some who absolutely would not cope. If you were removing her from a hostile abusive home though, I guess its going to be better for her, with your emotional and financial support. You’re clearly a caring older sister who will keep a watch on her.

I feel very sad at the thought of a 16 living alone but that sounds immeasurably better than living at home. She's so lucky to have you and your friends should appreciate that you had it so much harder, having no-one to help you.

Are you both NC with your parents? Is your daughter getting the benefits she needs to manage, financially? Have you made sure your parents no longer get child benefits and tax credits?

I think 16 is very young to have to fend for yourself. But you’re providing support for your sister and she has her own place and is safe and doing well. It’s better than being in care in my opinion.

It sounds like the best thing for her under the circumstances.

You sound like an amazing big sister too.

I really doubt social services would come up with a better care plan for your sister than you have. She's away from abusive family. She has your support. She has a home. It may not be ideal but lots of life is far from ideal. I had a friend who moved out and in with her boyfriend in a rented flat aged 16. They got jobs. They coped. They are still together 39 years later!

I would keep an eye that she isn't lonely. Call her or text her every day. Invite her round for dinner with you a few times a week if you can. You sound like a lovely sister. You managed without help and now you are helping her.

It's not ideal. As it is very young. But you obviously made it work for yourself and we're escaping an even worse situation.
Young people would usually be put in to a supported house / hostel so that they're not quite alone and there are staff around. My close friend moved into one of these hostels at 16 and it was nicer than it sounds, she too has made a good life for herself since.

There's another thread with a mum not happy about her child spending 1 night alone with friends at a concert and hotel in London. So I suppose it depends on the context and the individual.

@hangrysquirrel - care leavers often are given a flat at 18 but more often than not ime they're not actually able to manage at that age. The homeless statistics for care leavers are shocking- something like 50% of the street homeless population were once in care. I don't think you should try to get your sister into care btw as the system can be damaging in itself, if she can manage with your support then crack on.

Well done Hangry, you did the right thing for you and your situation, there are not many 16 year olds who could do what you have done without a lot of support.
Your sister has presumably been in the same difficult situation to you and has your support. It’s going to be hard for her, but you can work through it together. Especially if she has the same determination as you have.
There’s a difference between leaving a stable loving family who are interdependent and support each other and your experience where I suspect you had to be very independent and self sufficient.

I did it; my parents moved away and I refused to go with them - I'd left school and was working, so found myself a bedsit, sorted out the lease etc (think they had to countersign because I was under 18) and moved in. I think it comes down to the individual - some people can cope with independent living at an early age, others take longer to reach that level of confidence and maturity, but I think you've done absolutely the right thing and sound a lovely, caring sister.

I moved out into a hostel at 16 and never looked back. We couldn't get HA flats here untill 18 but as soon as I came of age I was offered one. It's not always been easy but life rarely is.

How does she pay for everything? At 16 she will be in school, or a training or apprenticeship job, earning less than £150 a week probably. How does that cover rent, council tax, bills, food, clothes etx?

Haven't the housing benefit rules changed and now don't include people.under 25?
That would suck.

You’re a great sister doing your best for your sibling. I moved out at 16. No sister helped me. My job paid my way. It was really hard. Having a sister around who would help me and phone me or come round and just keep an eye in my would have been fab, if I’d been lucky enough to have one. Social services couldnt have done better than you. Keep up your thoughtfulness and be there for her.

Hi OP

You sound like you've made the best of a really bad situation.

Maybe people are comparing it to their own experiences. In my case I had a loving and supportive family and a mum who did everything for me to the point where when I went to uni, I didn't know how to clean, do washing, pay a bill etc. So it would have been a very steep learning curve for me, emotionally as well as practically

However I imagine it's different when you're escaping an abusive situation as it must be a relief and I imagine you and your sister were already coping with a lot more than the average 16 year old has to deal with. If you have done it and done well she probably sees this as normal and has mentally prepared for it over time. Plus she has you as a role model and support. So in some cases as with your family, I dont think it's too bad, however for the average 16 year old it is probably a very scary thought

Different strokes for different folk as the saying goes.

Some 16 year olds would be absolutely fine some wouldn't.

Wow what a great role model you are for your sister. She is lucky to have you.

I think she is much better off in a home of her own than being put into "care". I have read some horrendous stories about care homes.

Hopefully you can help her budget her money and make sure the rent is paid and other important bills first. I'm sure with you looking out for her she will do fine.