Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad?

[HangrySquirrel]

I’m in my 20’s and moved out at 16 due to a horribly abusive parent. It was hard at points but I did okay working and having a HA flat (I know different areas mean that may not be possible for some 16 year olds) and have since obtained a degree and fairly decent job. Not rich but doing okay and working my way up. I’ve just helped my little sister (16) move out as well and she’s doing fine but I am supporting her to a degree (helped her get her flat, paid the bond and moving costs and bought some furniture for her).

However some of my friends are saying this is tantamount to abuse and they’d “never have coped” clearly forgetting I also moved out a 16 and didn’t have a kind older sister willing to pay for big ticket things, pay for the odd food shop etc. I would’ve moved her in with me if I could but I thought it best to get her a flat of her own and just make sure I’m able to extend a helping hand when needed as I don’t have a lot of space and she would’ve been on the sofa for the foreseeable.

Some of my friends are saying I should’ve asked social services to put her in care ( ) or moved to a bigger home to accommodate her. Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad or damaging especially if you’ve got an adult nearby to help with whatever you need and show you the ropes, so to speak? Wondering if I’m an anomaly and have wrecked my sisters life

I moved out at that age and I found it fine was hard sometimes but then it would of been the same if I moved out at 20

I did it at 17. Spent the first night between the beach huts but then sofa surfed before getting into Bedsitland, I wouldn't recommend Bedsitland but like you I was moving away from an abusive home. I do look back and wish life had been a little different but I do know that I can live alone and I can look after myself. I have friends, both male and female, who have no idea what it is like to live alone and stay in unhappy relationships rather than live alone.

I think may posters will find it hard to understand what it's like to live with an abusive parent/s and their answers will reflect this.

I really wish I had had the strength to do this rather than suffer more years of abuse at my mothers hands

You sound like an amazing sister

I'd just like to know how a single 16yr old manages to get a HA flat! And how another affords the rent on a private let. I moved out at 17 but could only afford a tiny wee bedsit. I loved having my own little space and my independence though.

My Dh has to move out at 16 I didn’t know him then but have seen photos of him at that time he was like a skeleton so obviously not old enough to look after himself properly. I would have been the same.

Dd lives in a private rental, she pays her share from her SAAS.

Sorry this has had more responses than expected! I fell asleep last night and have been quite busy today including nipping over to Dsis.
Ill answer all questions as best I can...

The area I live in (uk but not England) has a higher availability of HA/council flats than most parts of the country - it wasn’t at all difficult to get mine but there was some grumble made as I had no one to co-sign/be my guarantor it was eventually sorted, It was pushed through for me as no one else wanted the flat (unpopular area). I know this isn’t true in many cities and areas though and while there were a couple of HA flats available they were too far out for Dsis to be comfortable with so she went private. Her landlord didn’t mind her signing the tenancy so long as I also signed as guarantor. Some council/ha flats in my county go up as available for everyone/the general public when people on the general list don’t want them this isn’t many but that’s how specifically I got mine. These are generally retirement flats or standard 1+2 bed flats. Family homes are always in high demand though

I did not get benefits as I worked full time though dsis gets some UC not as much as she would if she was over 25, this was classed as an “exceptional circumstance” of some sorts. Deductions are also made for her wage as she only works a few hours a week she qualifies for the housing element (though this may be reduced due to her age) and single person element. I also pay some things for her so thus far she’s doing ok financially. A combination of benefits, my support and her low wage is what she’s managing on. She’ll be in college from September and will have 2 full days off with no work or college so I’d think she’ll be ok but if she isn’t then I’ll look at how I can help with that. Her wage is low so I could replace that just about and she’d be ok. I wouldn’t have her give up education something I personally had no choice in unfortunately though I later got a degree via a foundation course.

I understand that some 16 year olds would need a lot of support and she has mine. I would never recommend someone move out if they could safely stay home or with family but the surprising reactions I’ve had are that rather than having her own flat I should’ve contacted SS and asked them to place her in foster care and I have effectively neglected/abused her by helping her move out. I do not see it as “good” and I definitely can’t say I would tell the average 16yr old in a happy home move out! I’m sorry if I came across that way that was absolutely NOT my intention but while it’s not “good” I was wondering if it is that bad/shocking and it appears not. I hope that makes sense.

As for how she’s doing she’s doing fine, I was around her flat this morning and it’s relatively clean, credit on both meters, she’s got plenty of food in and seems happy. It’s not far from mine so I can keep an eye on her and I’d never let her starve, struggle or go cold. She is fine emotionally and texts me regularly either for advice or a chat and she still has friends, she was also out last weekend with mates.

I would’ve moved her in with me had I had the space but I just don’t. I have a one bedroom flat myself and she would’ve been on the sofa for the foreseeable, I did consider moving but ultimately decided (with Dsis’ input) that getting her a flat near to me was the best course of action. Had she been upset or frightened by the prospect of her own flat I would’ve looked at getting a 2 bedroom house myself and I still can if she “sinks” so to speak
but thus far she’s learning well and doing ok so I think she’ll be ok

We both learned some skills like cooking and cleaning, washing laundry etc quite young due to the circumstances we grew up in, perhaps that makes a difference. I was also made to do the weekly shop from about 12/13 as my mum (only parent by then) refused to do it and if I didn’t we wouldn’t eat so that probably helped me though I know my mum has spared Dsis that thanks to the invention of online grocery orders. Either way I was fine (some issues along the way) and I’ll do what I can to ensure she is as well.

Sorry for disappearing on you all I do genuinely appreciate the input, thank you

Please don't assume that because you bounced that your sister will too - every person is affected differently by childhood trauma and she may need much, much more help and support to heal and recover. You need to be prepared for that and have a plan (which should not involve "well, look what I did, buck your ideas up and do the same").

I think your experiences of being abused have dramatically skewed your sense of normal. And I say that as someone who grew up in an abusive home.

Of course, in context, it is better for a child (which a 16 year old is) to not be in an environment where they're being abused - but it is awful that they are in that position of needing to escape it. And the consequences are significant.

It is pretty universally agreed that the way care leavers are treated is abhorrent and responsible for many, many of them continuing to have very difficult lives. The ones who can pop up to say "did me no harm" are the exception that proves the rule. So, to say that your sister's position is fine because it's the same or worse for care leavers is a poor measure.

It's quite upsetting that you don't seem able to see how desperately sad this situation is actually.

I moved out to live with my sibling when I was very young due to abusive parents. Sibling had moved out at a similar age for the same reason a few years earlier. It was tough and I felt incredibly alone in the world at times even though my sibling was there. I envied my friends still at home being looked after and cared for by their parents.

If it wasn't possible for your sister to move in with you, then you have done the next best thing by helping her to find housing and being there for her.

I was made to grow up pretty fast even before I moved out, just because of what was happening when I was living with my parents. I dealt with it but it has affected me hugely and I don't think you can underestimate the impact having abusive and unsupportive parents can have on a child. I felt different to my friends and had to live differently to them which affected my relationships with them. I just felt alone. Everyone around me thought I was doing fine, and I was in terms of, I had a job, I cooked, cleaned etc but I felt desperately sad and over the years my mental health has suffered. I'd say just keep an eye on how she's really feeling and coping. It's a huge thing to move out at such a young age.

Anyway, more than 20 years on, life is good. I have a lovely partner, 2 children, great job and a home that my children will be welcome in forever. I have times where I feel very angry about the past. I hope my children want to live with us for a long time yet. I'll be very happy for them when they decide to move out at a time that is chosen my them.

I hope things work out for your sister.

You're an AMAZING person, looking out for your sister. You encouraged her to come out of a potentially abusive household. You're a bloody legend and ignore any twat that tells you otherwise.

I get why in the circumstances you may not be thinking of this as nobody was there to meet them for you, but do you understand the developmental needs of a teenager? The things she should have had from non-abusive parents? The things she will need in the coming years?

Developmentally we are not adults until about 25.

It's not just about knowing how to cook and do laundry.

I think it's very sad if a child has to leave home at 16. It Seems very young to be independent. Also are you living in England? If so she has to stay in education or a job with training until she is 18. Hopefully she is getting some financial support?
I think it's great that you are supporting her which I think is probably much better than going into care. It sounds as though you and your sister had no choice but to move out. But no it's not ideal

Ah I'm guessing you probably live in Scotland? Not that it really matters. The point is that you are obviously an amazing support to your wee sister and I'm sure she'll do much better and be much happier than she would/be if she had to stay living with abuse. Good luck to you both OP

It took decades to fully realise how much psychological damage it’d done.

Having spoke to people who have been forced to move out very young due to abuse, I think this is common. For me and the few people I know who went through it, it was when our lives improved and settled and we were financially secure that it hit us. When we no longer had to just survive but had time to really think about what had happened. My children are now at the ages when my childhood was at its worst and I spend quite a lot of time thinking about it all. I knew it was wrong but I realise now just how wrong it all was. The thought of them coping with what I did at their age upsets me and I think it is something that I will always be dealing with.

It sounds to me like you're a fantastic sister. I moved out at 17 having had a baby and a narcissist mother who was seriously emotionally abusive my whole childhood. I had grown up more and obviously had my own responsibilities but it was hard, I had nobody to help me but myself - I'm now supporting my younger sister who is going into the army in September having just turned 16. I think if people have been able to rely on their parents its weird for them to see younger people out there going it alone, unfortunately it's not like that for everyone as you, I, and many others on this thread know. X

I moved out at 17 for uni and was self-supporting; no issues at home but no money nor grant (for various long-winded reasons). It was fine. However, I was a relatively well-adjusted teenager with work experience and a stable family to call on; that's much easier than you and your sister's experience a year younger. You're offering your sister some extra family and financial support, which is great, but she might need even more help emotionally as well. I've no idea how helpful this charity might be and there could be others, but worth trying to contact www.buttleuk.org/areas-of-focus/young-people to see if they can offer any additional support. It would help you too I expect to know she has other people to lean on occasionally. Good luck and well done for moving on so brilliantly.

I moved out at 16. My mum didnt try and stop me. It was all a bit chaotic after that, and in hindsight, I really wish my mum had tried harder to stop me, but she says that I was determined, but thats not how i remember it. I do remember just wanting to be with my boyfriend all the time.
I then fucked up college, got into all sorts of mischief.
I kept a good relationship with my mum who did help me out, but thinking back, it is a bit bizarre. She went from being quite protective at 15, to at 16 I could just do what I wanted.

It wasnt the end of the world, but I dont think it was the best start for me at all, and I regret a lot of things

YABU
It was bad for you, and is bad for your sister.
But living in abuse home even more bad.
So better than abuse home is not good, just less bad.

Be proud you have succeeded despite such bad start in life. You are great elder sister as well. I only think YABU because you are being to hard on yourself and sister. 16yr olds not even paid a good minimum wage! Very hard to survive.

I moved out three weeks after turning 17, I knew it would mean saying goodbye to my family forever, but it was a better option than staying.

I went to London (this seemed sensible!) and was able to pay for a hostel for three weeks, I was then helped by an LBTQ charity who found me a room in a shared home, paid the deposit, sorted my benefits and helped me find work.

I JUST want to reiterate what an AMAZING sister you are. Xxx

My Dad died when I was 17. Mum went to pieces. She sold our family home and told me that we were moving to another country.

I declined this option and went to live with another family member, sleeping on a sofa in an already ridiculously overcrowded house. Eventually moved on and all was well.

Mum came back from abroad as it was "too hot". She ended up moving in with her elderly parents. Seemed fair to me.

@ElizaDee there’s a HUGE difference between 16 and 18, which is when most of my peer group moved out. Living with family past the age of 16 doesn’t mean there’s no resilience what a ridiculous thing to say.

I agree with these two comments (articulated much better than mine!):

Unless there is massive extenuating circs I don’t see a reason for any 16 yr old in a happy home to move out.

I think may posters will find it hard to understand what it's like to live with an abusive parent/s and their answers will reflect this.

^ this one in particular reflects my own (lack of) experience.

OP has come back and given a full explanation including saying I would never recommend someone move out if they could safely stay home or with family - I think we can all understand what she's been through or at least try to, and definitely support the view that this is an amazing young woman. Thank god you two sisters have each other.

There are still some posters on here thinking that moving out at 16 is something to be applauded, even something to aim for - @ElizaDee - whereas the OP and most others are describing heartbreaking circumstances when they had to leave home so young. Its disrespectful to the OP; I'm sure she would have chosen a loving family for herself and her little sister, but she didn't have that choice.

Hope it works out well for them and they can take control of their own futures.