Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad?

[HangrySquirrel]

I’m in my 20’s and moved out at 16 due to a horribly abusive parent. It was hard at points but I did okay working and having a HA flat (I know different areas mean that may not be possible for some 16 year olds) and have since obtained a degree and fairly decent job. Not rich but doing okay and working my way up. I’ve just helped my little sister (16) move out as well and she’s doing fine but I am supporting her to a degree (helped her get her flat, paid the bond and moving costs and bought some furniture for her).

However some of my friends are saying this is tantamount to abuse and they’d “never have coped” clearly forgetting I also moved out a 16 and didn’t have a kind older sister willing to pay for big ticket things, pay for the odd food shop etc. I would’ve moved her in with me if I could but I thought it best to get her a flat of her own and just make sure I’m able to extend a helping hand when needed as I don’t have a lot of space and she would’ve been on the sofa for the foreseeable.

Some of my friends are saying I should’ve asked social services to put her in care ( ) or moved to a bigger home to accommodate her. Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad or damaging especially if you’ve got an adult nearby to help with whatever you need and show you the ropes, so to speak? Wondering if I’m an anomaly and have wrecked my sisters life

OP ignore your friends and their useless opinions they haven't had your or your sisters life so they shouldn't be judging! I moved out a month after my 17th Birthday for similar reasons to yours and whilst it was very hard I was lucky to have support from some of my family and 14 years later I'm now very independent. It sounds to me that even if your sister doesn't cope living alone you'll be there for whatever support you can give if it doesn't work out. Just keep an eye on her and let her know you there. Good luck 😊

I left home at 16 for the same reasons. It wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t want the same future for my own DC. It’s far from ideal, you are still so young at 16.

Also wondering how she pays for bills, rent etc.
I would be devastated if either of my dds wanted to leave home so young.

I had a perfectly normal, middle class upbringing and moved out at 17. Loved it, even with the parafin heater to take the ice off the inside of the windows! Earned my own living and, yes, I guess my parents would have stepped in if (absolutely) necessary but it would never have occurred to me to ask them for anything.

I think we are all judging by our own standards. No doubt you and your sister have had to grow up much faster than most of us or our daughters. The main thing is you have each other, and for that you are both very lucky.

Please don't ever question yourself - you've done an amazing thing for her. What was the alternative?

It is young, but it depends on the 16 year old but it sounds like she has probably had to fend for herself and grow up a lot quicker anyway.

Well done on your achievements though, hopefully she is inspired by you and will follow the same path, it's difficult enough with the support of two parents, never mind on your own.

You've done well for yourself and you've been very good to her, but it doesn't make the situation ok. Young people are supposed to be in education until they are 18 , they are supposed to be nurtured and supported, it's not your fault it's your parents', but just because you coped doesn't mean you should've had to. It's not a race to the bottom. There's also a gulf between making home life so unbearable your child leaves at the earliest possible moment and mollycoddling and babying. I've worked from the age of 15 , my parents were still kind, loving and supportive. They still are and I'm 35 , you can teach independence without abandonment. It's like saying the way to reach someone to swim is to push them in the deep end, some will be ok, some will be horribly traumatised and some will drown.

I've worked with young people in the care system and the route you've supported her in, is undoubtedly preferable. Also she would be too old at 16 for 'care' , at best she might get a supported living accommodation, but that would likely be with very troubled, vulnerable and sometimes risky housemates/neighbours.

My youngest had a baby at 16. She’s moving out in 2 weeks. She’s exceptionally lucky in that she can rent our ‘retirement’ house as that won’t be happening for a few years lol. I’m confident she’ll be fine.

I think it would have to be a total last resort. At sixteen, education and friends should be taking priority. How on earth are they meant to attend college plus earn enough to pay rent, bills food etc.

Still a child at sixteen. I can see why people might have a different outlook on it.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have her move in with you. Yes, lots of people have coped with moving out at 16 but they’re usually moving to get away from something. It’s done because they lack a better alternative. The vast majority of 16 year olds live at home because they’re still children. Would you have moved out on your own if you’d had a better option?

I moved in to a HA flat at 15 with my 18 year old sister to escape an abusive parent. It was hard and I've only recently managed to save up for a house as I've had to pay rent for so long whereas my friends were able to live at home and save up so managed to buy a house years before me.
I missed out on a lot of opportunities as I had to work to pay the bills so never reached my full potential. Instead I've had to work my way up in my job and study in my own time. It's worked out ok as I earn a good wage in a professional job but I would never want my child to leave home at 16.
It's something you can do if you have to but the best scenario would have been supportive parents who let me live at home and gave me the opportunity to travel, go to university and save up for a house.

Dd moved out at 17, moved in with her BF.
So far it's working for them, she comes over to see me a couple of times a week but she's much happier in our nearest city, than in the small, town I live in.

So OP you are saying that you had a choice at 16 of either staying with an abusive parent or leaving; that's not really a choice surely? You did the right thing and you have done brilliantly and helped your sister too. But the circumstances are awful. They were my circumstances too and it was very hard - although when I was young people often lived alone at 16.

But the title of your OP seems to suggest its a choice a 16 year old should genuinely have to make; and that's not true. At 16 most young people need their family - I had no choice, but if my DD was trying to make that choice now at age 16 I'd be horrified.

If you are saying its not right, but its ok, then you are a great advert for turning your life around.

But if you are advocating leaving home at 16 cos hey why not it'll be a laugh, then YABVU - its an outlook that encourages some people on here to promote the view that young people are not deserving of love or support and need to "man up" etc. As someone who, like me, did not have a loving family surely that view would be just as abhorrent to you as it is to me?

I got a full time job and left home at 16. I think it did me the world of good, it made me responsible and hard working. I had to support myself, I had no help.

Now my DD is 16 it's hard to comprehend what I was doing at her age as there is no way she could ever cope even if she had a job.

If you sister is mature enough to then I don't think it's a bad thing at all.

Technically children's services have a duty to accommodate 16/17 within the care system if they are made aware of their needs.

Your sister is lucky to have you. Guidance and support is really needed if living out of family home so young.

25 yrs ago I didn't have that and ended up in some pretty shitty situations.

It is unusual as most people in loving homes are supported for much longer. You have done exceptionally well given the circs and it is great you have supported your sister to leave an abusive home. Don’t try and normalise it though- you have beaten the odds in many ways and things will have been tough for you and will be for your sister. I’m sorry you have both had to go through difficult times as children.

What is she living on? Does she have a job, has she left education? It'll be tough on her, keep an eye on her.

I moved out at just 17 , I coped because the alternative was living at home with an abusive parent but it led me to make some very poor decisions.

I moved out at 16 due to similar circumstances.

I now have a 16 year old.

IT IS WAY TOO YOUNG. And he wouldn't deserve it.

I ended up in horrendous situations, even though very mature, because I was still a child.

I'm not really sure what your vote is for?

I'm sorry you had to move at 16 and it seems like you're being a very supportive sister. But no, in an ideal world moving at 16 isn't the best but I see you both had little choice.

Personally I don't know anyone who has moved out at that age unless for reasons due to a terrible breakdown in their relationship with their parents which I find very sad.

BTW @CustardySergeant I worked in B&H!! I had no idea they had a hostel?! Wish I'd known!! I was there in 1979 but I get the feeling you might be talking earlier?

I left my foster home on my 16th birthday and gave birth to my son a month later. Used my (probably illegal) wages/savings from my cafe job to rent a room. Literally had no support until a health visitor told me about housing benefit (I grew up in a different country and wasn’t in care here for long). So, I have little sympathy when people my age moan about having to home themselves. I’ve worked with people in their twenties who live at home with parents and I can’t comprehend it. But that’s because of my perspective and experience. I don’t think my DS would cope if he had to move out at 16 (in 18 months time). I think our standards for coping and what’s acceptable depend our own experiences, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a 16 year old to live alone and manage their own life but I understand why others don’t get it.