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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad?

101 replies

HangrySquirrel · 23/08/2019 21:53

I’m in my 20’s and moved out at 16 due to a horribly abusive parent. It was hard at points but I did okay working and having a HA flat (I know different areas mean that may not be possible for some 16 year olds) and have since obtained a degree and fairly decent job. Not rich but doing okay and working my way up. I’ve just helped my little sister (16) move out as well and she’s doing fine but I am supporting her to a degree (helped her get her flat, paid the bond and moving costs and bought some furniture for her).

However some of my friends are saying this is tantamount to abuse and they’d “never have coped” Hmm clearly forgetting I also moved out a 16 and didn’t have a kind older sister willing to pay for big ticket things, pay for the odd food shop etc. I would’ve moved her in with me if I could but I thought it best to get her a flat of her own and just make sure I’m able to extend a helping hand when needed as I don’t have a lot of space and she would’ve been on the sofa for the foreseeable.

Some of my friends are saying I should’ve asked social services to put her in care ( Shock ) or moved to a bigger home to accommodate her. Aibu to think moving out at 16 isn’t that bad or damaging especially if you’ve got an adult nearby to help with whatever you need and show you the ropes, so to speak? Wondering if I’m an anomaly and have wrecked my sisters life Confused

OP posts:
ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 23/08/2019 23:32

I certainly wouldn't criticize you regarding your dsis and it seems she's got lots of support from you. I also admire you for the life you've made for yourself. However it doesn't follow that moving out at 16 is not that bad! A 16 year old coping in the world largely by themselves is pretty vulnerable. I fully appreciate that you and your dsis (and others) didn't have much choice but and I don't think it should be minimized.

ImTakingTheEssence · 23/08/2019 23:39

I moved out at 16 and I found it a blessing and a curse. I didn't get on with my new stepdad my parents had just divorced and had new partners. I did just feel unwanted my mother turned round on the end and said if I think I will have a better life to go live with my father. I did but felt in the way.

I ended up moving in with my brother who was a few years older. It was hell I remember ironing my uniform on a towel on the floor because we had no carpets. I remember studying for my gcses and having my brother and his friends in the house 24/7 music, drink, drugs it was hell. I just felt very lost and lonely. I couldn't sleep I used to cry and just hope I didn't wake up. I used to beg my dad to pay to put me in a B&B for one night just so I could get some peace.

I lived there until I was 18. I couldn't take anymore my dad payed for a bond for my first flat and it felt like heaven just shutting the door and knowing no one would just walk in the house as they pleased. I do think that time has had a massive impact on me today I find relationships difficult I hate having people in my home and just look back at that time in my life as a really sad time I would of loved to gone to uni and just been carefree and happy but I just wish someone had stepped in and helped me.

I now have a 8 year old and would hate for her to have the same experience. I wouldn't recommended moving out at such a young age and I would hate for my daughter to feel like she had no choice I want her to have all the opportunitys she can get so for your situation I hope it works Flowers

IsobelRae23 · 23/08/2019 23:53

How is she managing to pay her rent, bills, food etc? She must have have a well paid job. Ds19 is at university, but has been working in the same place since 16, and is now a manger. He’s lucky that he’s on over £10 an hour for his age, and he’s been working full time during the holidays. What he earns whilst good, would be no where near enough for his own place, bills, food, travel etc. Sorry I’m just curious how she does it?

MoaningMinnie1 · 23/08/2019 23:55

I think you did absolutely the right thing. I wanted to move out at 16 but the law was different then and I couldn't. Guess what happened instead? Put in care for two years. I've never really got over it.

Thank goodness times have changed.

TantricTwist · 24/08/2019 00:38

People are so out touch judging by some of the comments on here.

OP you have done the right thing ensuring she has her own place.

She'll be fine and she always has her big sis at the end of the phone. You've been a great role model for her so she knows she's more than capable.

My DD is 12 and if she wanted to move out at 16 I know she'd be absolutely fine. My DS 13 would not be as fine as her but he would manage.

TantricTwist · 24/08/2019 00:38

*so out of touch

CSIblonde · 24/08/2019 00:47

The 16year olds I know, are to a man, too ditzy, chaotic & immature. They'd spend all their cash on booze & fags, not pay rent & utilities & expect to be bailed out. They're a weird mix of street savvy in some ways re boys & sex etc in a way I never was, but they're very naive in other ways: which has surprised me.

timshelthechoice · 24/08/2019 00:57

With the right support it can definitely work.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 24/08/2019 01:08

I got kicked out of my home when I was 14 by my mother.
She was having an affair and I called her out on it.
I never looked or went back home.
I'm very independent. Your sister is blessed to have you OP.
Hopefully she can be independent and not have to lean to much on you once she is settled.

W0rriedMum · 24/08/2019 01:16

Such sad stories on this thread. Flowers to all who have suffered.

While leaving home at 16 might be essential in some circumstances, I do think it's probably a last resort. I would move heaven and earth to stop my child or sibling living alone at that age.

PumpkinP · 24/08/2019 01:23

Depends on the person surely, I was kicked out at 16 I clearly wasn’t ready or mature enough for it. I was extremely anxious and rarely left the building. I ended up in massive amounts of rent arrears (thousands) and was eventually evicted. The place i lived in (temp accommodation) was full of druggies, I was broken into constantly and they stole everything even my lamp shades?! They would spy in my windows when I was sleeping checking if I was home. Truth be told I was glad when I was finally evicted as despite all that the council refused to move me.

ElizaPancakes · 24/08/2019 01:24

Honestly? It absolutely horrifies me, but that's me coming from a 'normal' family. I literally can't imagine how bad family life must have been to move out at 16.

I moved out at 19 for uni, I actually think my sister was 17 but she moved in with a boyfriend, and it was nothing to do with abuse, although her and mum were constantly at loggerheads.

Kudos to you for making it work for yourself and your sister. I hope you don't mind me saying that for me, I would feel like I had completely failed as a parent if any of my children needed or wanted to move out that young.

FuriousVexation · 24/08/2019 02:20

I moved out when I was just turning 17. I had a full time job, in fact I earned more than my mum. This had prompted my dad to stop paying any maintenance at all, so in my eyes moving out actually benefited my mum and younger sibling. It certainly benefited me. I meant I could stop parenting my mum. Unfortunately this left my younger sibling to be parentified instead. I feel hugely sorry for this but wont accept the responsibility for our parent(s) terrible parenting.

Fast forward a couple of decades. My DS landed up at a PRU. He had a few friends there who were from or in the care system. I would go to the ends of the earth to stop any child from my family going into that system. It is not a system to "care" for children; it's a system to get rid of those unfortunate drains on society that happen to be children with inadequate parents. Children who have already experienced massive trauma in their families of origin. Children who are already normalized for abuse. Children who are absolutely ripe for grooming - either for sexual exploitation or radicalization.

My son was in the PRU less than 9 months and in that time he learned to pick locks, jimmy car doors, shoplift more or less anything, blag his way into someone's home... the list goes on. He learned a lot more from his "peers" than he did his teachers, that's for sure. We reached a crisis point when he was a "corner boy" (secondary supplier of drugs). His "boss" asked him to stab a rival dealer. Thank god, son declined.

My point is, the care system is a fucking phirana tank. Consigning your sister to that, you might as well have just left her for dead. There are a few, a very few, who rise above the background and become working class heroes. The vast majority end up leading lives of drudgery because they believe that nobody cared about them enough to get them out of that situation. Your sister knows that you have her back, and that is worth more than anything.

If your friends are judgey then I'd suggest they actually look and read reports of how bad the care system outcomes are. If they can't be bothered to look then they can fucking catch themselves on.

You are young yourself OP. Do you have someone older than you for support? A cousin, auntie, an internet friend? Or a nest of vipers such as MN!

You're doing a great thing for your sister. I see you.

Gingerkittykat · 24/08/2019 02:24

I moved out at 17, for similar reasons, and always coped well. I was sensible and had a lot of responsibility from a young age so maybe that contributed.

My Dsis left care at 17 with a baby and went off the rails a bit, only calming down once she found a partner a few years older.

It is hard and lonely in some ways though, young adults need support still.

The only benefits to her going into care is that it offers you some additional help, social work have a duty to provide support till 25 (in Scotland at least. Care leavers also get better student finance here to help them move upwards.

You sound like a great sister, your support could be the difference between your sister sinking or swimming.

DishingOutDone · 24/08/2019 11:41

My DD is 12 and if she wanted to move out at 16 I know she'd be absolutely fine. My DS 13 would not be as fine as her but he would manage

I don't think that's an attitude to be proud of. If your DD wanted to move out aged 16 you'd need to be taking a very hard look at yourself.

Speaking of which, I see we've lost the OP. People have come back and given their own very difficult accounts and engaged with the thread so I hope the OP will come back ... Hmm

TantricTwist · 24/08/2019 14:07

I don't think that's an attitude to be proud of. If your DD wanted to move out aged 16 you'd need to be taking a very hard look at yourself

Wow you'll find anything to be judgy about won't you. What a truly bizarre comment to make. I'll just leave my reply as that as there is no point in further explanation re my DD.

Mudcakemaniac · 24/08/2019 14:16

I moved to the uk alone when I was 16. I was a live in groom for the first several years before I realised what I wanted to do. I lived there for 9 years before moving back to my home country after having a child. In my country a lot of 16 year olds move to student accommodation. It could be because they live in a countryside with no regular busses to town or the college is in a different city. They'd go home for the weekends and holidays

JustDanceAddict · 24/08/2019 14:27

Absolutely no way! I have terms of similar ages and no way would they be ready.
17 yr old can cook, would prob be ok practically but emotionally would be a wreck. She’ll be ready for uni in a year moving out and with other 18 yr olds who haven’t lived out before.
My 15 yr old in a few months’ time when he’s 16 / no bloody way. He’s probably better emotionally but worse practically and he’s very disorganised as well.
Unless there is massive extenuating circs I don’t see a reason for any 16 yr old in a happy home to move out.

BrokenWing · 24/08/2019 14:28

ds is 15 and a half. He is reasonable with chores, can use washing machine/do laundry, can do basic cooking if ingredients were in the fridge (but hasn't meal planned/shopped). Doesn't know anything about mortages/rent/council tax/bills etc.

He could probably survive in a supportive, semi supervised environment, totally alone and independent he would make/learn from many mistakes and would be vulnerable. It's not something he or I would choose for him.

MrsTeaspoon · 24/08/2019 14:29

I left my dysfunctional home at 16, disowned by family, had a child, got a great job, got promoted - ie was an adult.
Do I hope my children do the same? Hell no.
I hope they always feel Mum’s house is a home for them, whatever age or situation they are in...I hope they know I have their back, utterly.
If they want to go at 16 though, I expect to have taught them enough to be fine.
(So far two of mine have gone away to Uni and moved on from there.)

ElizaDee · 24/08/2019 14:32

How have we gone so wrong in a couple of generations.

It wasn't that long ago that it was quite normal that people moved out at 16, and pretty much standard that they were married and running their own homes at 18, many with a baby.

I don't mean people should get babied up so early, but where has the resilience and life skills and standing on your own two feet gone Confused

ElizaDee · 24/08/2019 14:35

My DD is 12 and if she wanted to move out at 16 I know she'd be absolutely fine. My DS 13 would not be as fine as her but he would manage

I don't think that's an attitude to be proud of. If your DD wanted to move out aged 16 you'd need to be taking a very hard look at yourself.

Speaking of which, I see we've lost the OP. People have come back and given their own very difficult accounts and engaged with the thread so I hope the OP will come back

I think that absolutely is an attitude to be proud of. It's a parents job to raise independent and capable people...

MsHopey · 24/08/2019 14:40

If she was also in an abusive situation then surely it's better to help her than leave her there miserable?
I think some people stay at home too long tbh, but that's just my personal opinion.
I moved out at 18 because I had a controlling stepfather and there wasnt enough room for me anyway (6 kids, 2 adults in a 3 bed, small council house).
Tbf me and DP moved in to a little flat together, he had just turned 19. We've done okay but did get into some debt when we over extended ourselves and DP lost his job.
We're 27 now, married since we were 21 and have a 2yo and a 3mo.
Very happy and so glad we got our independence (though I am sometimes jealous of life experiences we didn't get because we had bills to pay, like travelling).

user1480880826 · 24/08/2019 14:43

16 is very young to be landed with that much responsibility. You’re not an even an adult. There’s nothing precious about thinking a child would be better off living with their parents (or other responsible adult) until they are an adult.

There will always be people who comment on threads like this saying “it didn’t do me any harm” but to most 16 year olds this would be a very tough thing to do. Especially these days when kids grow up not learning quite basic life skills because they live sheltered lives.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/08/2019 14:45

I moved out at 17, no problems at home, had (and still have) a brilliant relationship with my mum. I was just very independent.

I loved it. Had a ball living in a shared house.