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AIBU?

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Original poster

Refusing to be a dad

90 replies

ChosenCandy · 23/08/2019 19:59

Just signed up but need advice

Me and my ex are 16 and he broke up with me in may and in June I gave birth. He started off by saying he wasn't the dad but his parents wanted a dna test and he is.

Then he said he doesn't want to be a dad. He hasn't met baby because he doesn't want to.

He's failed his gcses and he said it's my fault

Help!!

OP posts:
Cleopatrai · 23/08/2019 20:04

Men don’t mature as quickly as females. He’s a 16 year old boy albeit a father. I’m not surprised he’s behaving like that. It doesn’t sound like he will change, the best thing would to honestly forget about him. Focus on your child and improving yourself etc. Flowers

dollydaydream114 · 23/08/2019 20:08

If he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby then you need to cut off all contact with him. You are not a couple and he refuses to acknowledge your child, therefore you have absolutely no reason to speak to him and his GCSE results are not your problem. Focus on yourself and your baby.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 23/08/2019 20:11

Hi, honestly? I think you have to forget about him and get on with your own life. Many people have had children young and have made a success of it. Do you have support and help of your parents?

PooWillyBumBum · 23/08/2019 20:14

Hi there,

I had my daughter when I was 17 so I really feel for you.

Right now I would focus on yourself and the baby. You won’t be able to force him to be a good father so control the controllable. Honestly right now I wouldn’t engage with his stupid accusations and just focus on enjoying your new baby and thinking about your future.

Did you manage to sit your GCSEs? Have you been given advice on support to help keep you in education?

Everything will be okay, and men will seldom be the answer!

multiplemum3 · 23/08/2019 20:15

I had my first at 17 and the dad acted the same. The best thing you can do is concentrate on you and your baby, don't try to force him to be involved just leave him to fuck off. Good luck, my son is eight now and we have the best bond.

AlpacaGoodnight · 23/08/2019 20:17

Well first of all it definitely isn't your fault! I would leave the door open to future contact but not push him at the moment he obviously hasn't matured yet. Focus on you and your baby. If his parents/family want to be involved that is your call and will probably depend on how you get on with them.

PooWillyBumBum · 23/08/2019 20:17

PS. I managed 4 As at A level whilst pregnant/with a newborn - can’t imagine how you being pregnant affected his GCSEs!

TriciaH87 · 23/08/2019 20:19

You can't force him to be a dad but you can contact cms so they force him to pay through the years. You can also tell his family its up to them if they bother to see your child. Hope your own family are more supportive.

BertieBotts · 23/08/2019 20:34

Congratulations on your new baby. How are you doing?

Unfortunately you can't force him to play a role in your baby's life if he doesn't want to. You can make a claim through the CMS that he should pay child maintenance (if he's earning) - and you should do this - but it's his choice whether he spends time with his child or not.

It's not your fault that he has failed his GCSEs.

PumpkinP · 23/08/2019 20:45

You can’t force him. And age isn’t anything to do with it as my ex is 33 and refuses to see my kids aswell and said he will never be a dad. Unfortunately some men are nasty!

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 23/08/2019 20:46

Yes I did my gcses. I have my mum and younger brother (14) to support me but I don't except my brother to help out.

He said his life is ruined because he's failed.

OP posts:
Candymay · 23/08/2019 20:50

Try not to expect anything from him. He’s still a child. Congratulations on your baby and I hope that you have support and can enjoy parenthood.

You can’t force men to be fathers. Some are not cut out for it. The father of my child was not mature enough and I did it alone. I was 21 he was in his 30s. He never wanted to be involved and just chose not to be. There was nothing I could do.

The sooner you can cut off from him the better. Good luck!

moonpiggle · 23/08/2019 20:50

If he doesnt want to be a Dad nobody can force him to be one. Only thing I can say really is just be your best self for you and your baby and youl be just fine. If he was around you and your baby with his bad attitude then he would only make your life miserable. I know it hurts but honestly your better off without him. Congrats on your baby x

Merename · 23/08/2019 21:01

Oh bless you, I can’t imagine how I’d have coped with a baby at 16. Sorry that probably sounds totally patronising but I just mean it’s so hard anyway, let alone without this situation with baby’s dad. Like others have said, you can’t control his behaviour/ thoughts, only your own.

Do you believe him when he says it’s your fault he failed? As it’s not, that’s absolute shite. He chose to have sex with you, which he knew could result in pregnancy. How could you have prevented him failing? Try to ignore this kind of stuff and focus on what you and your baby need. I’m sure that’s hard and you wish he could more responsible, but for now at least, he’s just not, and it will be easier for you if you can accept that and get support from family and friends. Mumsnet is a good place for support (mostly).

Ohmygod123 · 23/08/2019 21:02

Agree with above. Leave the door open for him to contact you when he's ready and let his family know they are welcome in babies life. Concentrate on baby, stop contacting him and enjoy the rest of the summer! As for his GCSE results, it's not your fault!!! He's being ridiculous!!!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/08/2019 21:11

You aren't responsible if he failed his GCSEs! You didn't sit next to him in exams and rip his papers up or whisper wrong answers. He's responsible for himself and for his future.

You can't make him accept responsibility for his child. You need to let those dreams go and build you and your baby a new life, one filled with people who support you and care about you.

Where I live (US) you can't get a child support order against someone who is under 18. Not sure about the UK, but check into it.

Where are his parents in all of this? Do they want a relationship with the baby?

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 23/08/2019 21:33

No I don't believe I made him fail.

His parents want to be involved and they are going to have baby tomorrow.

My ex (before him) has been helpful as he's my friend still but I don't except him to do stuff a dad would because he isn't the dad.

OP posts:
Fancyseeingyouhere · 23/08/2019 22:02

Lots of MN aunties here to support you. Flowers

AlpacaGoodnight · 24/08/2019 10:37

It sounds like you have a good amount of support which is perfect no matter what age you become a parent! Just remember you are the parent and make sure people respect your decisions. It's nice his family want to be involved, maybe he will come round in time but ignore any guilt tripping, none of his failures are your fault. Enjoy your baby!

Greywalls12 · 24/08/2019 10:39

How long are his parents meant to be having him for?
He must be only a couple of months old?
Baby's should be with their mums, especially that young.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 24/08/2019 11:03

Today his parents are having baby to see his family.

Last night he messaged me asking if we could get back together. I told him no because he isn't being involved in baby's life so it wouldn't work

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 24/08/2019 11:06

Do not get back together with him until he grows up. Do get help in finding out how he can support you financially with his family's help.

NeverSayFreelance · 24/08/2019 11:13

Thanks flowers for you.

First of all congrats on the baby! Be proud of yourself for going through the pregnancy and birth and being a mum.

I would cut the ex out of your life. However, if his parents want to be in the baby's life then definitely get them to help out! After all, it's their grandchild even if the father won't acknowledge it.

He might change his mind when he's older and want to be in the baby's life, but for now he's probably only going to drag you down and you don't need that.

Now you're signed up, feel free to come back any time you need helpCake

Branleuse · 24/08/2019 11:18

Hes behaving like the child he is.

In all honesty, unless you desperatly need the support of his parents, then please dont feel obliged to let them in. Do what is best for you and your baby at this stage. You need to be in the embrace of your own family

bluebell34567 · 24/08/2019 11:28

congratulations for your baby Flowers.

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