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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Refusing to be a dad

90 replies

ChosenCandy · 23/08/2019 19:59

Just signed up but need advice

Me and my ex are 16 and he broke up with me in may and in June I gave birth. He started off by saying he wasn't the dad but his parents wanted a dna test and he is.

Then he said he doesn't want to be a dad. He hasn't met baby because he doesn't want to.

He's failed his gcses and he said it's my fault

Help!!

OP posts:

rdef · 25/08/2019 23:33

You shouldn't dance to his tune. If it suits you to meet him, do. If it doesn't, don't. Don't put yourself under pressure to go to him. If he wants to come and give something to the baby he knows where you live. Let him make a little bit of effort. I do think maybe he's freaking out. He's only 16 after all... But you are also 16 and have had to step up to your responsibilities.

Don't go out of your way to facilitate him, or else you and your baby will be at his whim. He needs to realise you can't waltz in and out of a baby's life. And he can't demand to see the baby yet claim to not want to be involved. He needs to make a decision, and he needs to take responsibility for tha t decision. Not expect you to chase around after him.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2019 23:37

What exactly does he think 'being a dad' entails?

Does he think it means he has to marry you? Have the baby on his own or overnight? Spending money on the baby?

I think you need to ask him.

RosesAndRaindrops · 25/08/2019 23:39

Try not to expect anything from him. He’s still a child. Congratulations on your baby and I hope that you have support and can enjoy parenthood.

Sorry, I don't get this attitude. At 16 it's not just one. Both should know. Both still a child. Both should know to take protection if doing that early.
If not, you deal with the consequences. (Non consenting aside before anyone starts)

Original poster

ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 23:48

I think he thinks being a dad is having baby on his own and loving baby.

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 25/08/2019 23:48

His parents don't know he doesn't want to be involved because he's told me not to tell them and he didn't tell them because he said they will force him especially his dad

His parents want to be involved and they are going to have baby tomorrow.

So how does this tally up with this [genuinely curious!)
They blatantly already know as they're looking after baby.

I mean I have a 16 year old DS here, if I was having the baby to stay over tomorrow, we'd both surely know about it
Unless he's living away?

RosesAndRaindrops · 25/08/2019 23:49

I think he thinks being a dad is having baby on his own and loving baby.

He's 16 though. Where does he even live at that age? (Genuine question, surely the parents aren't that clueless, I hope not anyway!)

Original poster

ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 23:50

When his parents had baby yesterday ex went out and said he was going to meet his friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 23:52

He lives with his parents

OP posts:

stucknoue · 25/08/2019 23:58

Let him meet the baby and go from there. He's being immature but you are both still kids, but you grew up fast. In an ideal world you can stay on reasonable terms so your child can have a relationship with their family and his family, it may not happen but it sounds like he wants to make amends

Original poster

ChosenCandy · 26/08/2019 00:04

He met baby yesterday and held him today.

I know he wants to get back with me but he doesn't even want to be involved with baby so it wouldn't work

OP posts:

SimplySteveRedux · 26/08/2019 00:12

I'm wondering if he's putting on a show with baby as a way of getting back with you, but you're seeing straight through it. You sound extremely mature

RosesAndRaindrops · 26/08/2019 00:14

I know he wants to get back with me but he doesn't even want to be involved with baby so it wouldn't work

Well that's a straight out no then surely? You come together.

justilou1 · 26/08/2019 04:45

Do you know what YOU want?

Gingerkittykat · 26/08/2019 15:10

No, he doesn't need to be on birth certificate for CMS. If he denies paternity then they would order their own DNA test which he would have to pay for when it turns up positive. I'm fairly certain under 18s can't be pursued for maintenance though.

The fact he wants to give something to the baby means he might be coming round to accepting they exist. I would still try to arrange a set schedule for contact though so you and the baby don't get messed around.

Branleuse · 26/08/2019 23:27

I think he needs to be told by his parents what his responsibilities are and what this means. I think hes likely scared shitless. Having a baby at 16 is rarely a good idea for both of your sakes, but hopefully youll make the best of it WITH support from your own family.
Him, hes just a boy. He is starting to show an interest. The more i think about it, the more I think he needs supporting to be a dad by his own parents who need to know whats going on.

Just because theyve had sex doesnt make someone a grown up

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