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Original poster

Refusing to be a dad

90 replies

ChosenCandy · 23/08/2019 19:59

Just signed up but need advice

Me and my ex are 16 and he broke up with me in may and in June I gave birth. He started off by saying he wasn't the dad but his parents wanted a dna test and he is.

Then he said he doesn't want to be a dad. He hasn't met baby because he doesn't want to.

He's failed his gcses and he said it's my fault

Help!!

OP posts:
Jokie · 25/08/2019 13:05

@ChosenCandy: then you reply if it is or is not convenient for YOU and the baby to see him today. It sounds like you'll need to put up some clear boundaries as he's not mature enough to have any

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 13:35

I don't know if I should let him because I don't want him to think he can see son whenever he wants.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 25/08/2019 13:45

My brother and his gf had a relationship like this. They were hot and cold for ages, it was very bruising for both of them. Took them 6 yrs to stop hurting each other and move on with their lives.
I think you should step back from him romantically until he matures.
Set up a formal visitation arrangement for their family. My nephew is 25 now and loves both his parents.

Look after yourself and your baby.

Rachie1973 · 25/08/2019 13:48

My daughter had a baby last year at just 16. The dad left her mid way through and she’s taken full responsibility for her son. He’s a joy and she’s an excellent mother. The ‘dad’ has now just announced that his new girlfriend is pregnant. This is his 3rd, although the second didn’t go through with the pregnancy.

He’s not shown the blindest bit of interest in his son. He didn’t show up for registering the birth, and he’s seen him 3 times in 10 months. About a month ago he told my daughter ‘I’m having my son for the weekend’.

I was so proud of her when she told him she’d love for him to have a relationship with his son but that he couldn’t just swan in and take him for a weekend. He couldn’t change a nappy last time he saw him, has no idea on his feeding or sleeping habits, and just didn’t know him’. She offered him the opportunity to see him and learn about him over a few months but he flatly refuses.

I think you should go with your instinct. Allow time for him to see him, but not to his orders. When it’s mutually agreeable.

Lose him though and don’t be a booty call. You’re worth far more than that.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2019 15:08

I understand why you want to have some sort of regularity/schedule with him seeing the baby. But at this point I think that any interest he shows is good, especially with his attitude of not wanting to be involved. Hopefully he was just scared shitless of fatherhood and maybe now he's getting his head straight If I were you, unless I had something else planned I'd probably let him see the baby when he asks. Just for now. Once he's formed a bond it'll be time for a schedule. Again, ONLY if you don't have anything planned. Don't be changing your day to suit him.

One of my dear friends found herself in this situation with her son. He fathered a child a 17. The girl and her family handled it beautifully with open minds and attitude. My friend and her DH stepped up to the mark as grandparents, including meeting their son's financial obligations until he finished school. It took him about 6 months to really understand what fatherhood means but now (9 years later) he's a loving and devoted dad.

Frazzled2207 · 25/08/2019 15:27

Congratulations on your baby. Please try and forget him he doesn't sound dependable at all, yet is just a child.
It's the right thing to involve his parents though, as long as you trust them. This could be very helpful if for example you want to go back to school/college.

Frazzled2207 · 25/08/2019 15:28

Ps if he really is insistent on seeing baby then try and get in a routine eg he can come round on Wednesday nights and definitely not just when it suits him.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 16:28

He saw baby today and he said still doesn't want to be a dad/involved. He just wanted to see baby.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/08/2019 18:48

Have you told him that he IS a dad whether he likes it or not, and that visiting his child is "getting involved"

Merename · 25/08/2019 20:05

Exactly, he IS a dad, no choice in that now. But if he doesn’t want to be involved then more fool him. How are you feeling about it?

Branleuse · 25/08/2019 20:17

Ask him how he would feel if his dad didnt want to be his dad.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 25/08/2019 20:24

Are you in the UK OP - because if you were, you'd know school leaving age is now 18 …..

And he doesn't have a job so they probably don't notice he doesn't give money

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 22:25

Yes im in the uk but he's left school and is going to do an apprenticeship (I think)

I told him he can't choose to not be a dad or not but he said he can.
But I'm not replying to him anymore

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 25/08/2019 22:28

You can't force him to be a Dad. You can apply for maintenance but there is no law to demand him to be a Dad.

SignedUpJust4This · 25/08/2019 22:35

Tell him he is a dad. Just a shit one.

You sound really mature. You will be absolutely fine without him.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 22:43

He knows he's the dad but he says he doesn't want to be one .

But then he wants to see baby (like today).

OP posts:
Branleuse · 25/08/2019 22:51

I wouldn't expect a 16 year old to be father of the year, but just as you will have to now rise to it and do your best, i don't see why he gets to choose now. Surely you discussed this when you got pregnant?

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 22:57

When I was pregnant he was ok abut being a dad but didn't seem that bothered but didn't complain or say he wasn't going to be a dad or involved.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 25/08/2019 23:05

Set up a visitation schedule and stick to it. Have the baby available at those times. He can choose to show up or not. You don’t have to just make baby available at his whim.

Apply for child maintenance. He may not have much money, but that should not deter you from formalizing the financials.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 23:12

He's just messaged me again saying he wants to give something to give baby tomorrow so it means him seeing baby again even though he doesn't want to be q dad.

I replied by telling him he shouldn't keep wanting to see baby if he doesn't want to be a dad and he told me I can't stop him from giving baby something.

OP posts:
lifeinthedeep · 25/08/2019 23:19

You definitely can stop him as you’re the one raising the baby. He can’t expect you to put all the hard work into raising the baby and then turn up for a cuddle every now and again. He has to make a decision on whether he wants to see baby or not. Also you need to be honest with his parents or else you risk him lying to them. They’ll soon wonder why you’re not coming over with baby while he’s there and he might make up bullshit about you not letting him see baby etc.

Branleuse · 25/08/2019 23:21

Do you think maybe he is just freaked out and taking time to come round to the idea?

RosesAndRaindrops · 25/08/2019 23:29

*Me and my ex are 16 and he broke up with me in may and in June I gave birth. He started off by saying he wasn't the dad but his parents wanted a dna test and he is. Then he said he doesn't want to be a dad. He hasn't met baby because he doesn't want to. He's failed his gcses and he said it's my fault Help!!8

Sad first off my DS has just finished GSCEs and 16, his results are down to him and him only, no-one else. If you do let yourself get distracted by someone else, that's on you, surely?! Personal responsibility and all that.

Doesn't want to be a Dad? Tough shit! You are

RosesAndRaindrops · 25/08/2019 23:29

Top bit quote, bold fail sigh

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 23:33

It was his fault he failed because when we were together he told me he never revised

And he could be freaked out but I'm not sure.

Also would he need to be on the birth certificate for me to get maintenance? Because he isn't

OP posts:
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