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Original poster

Refusing to be a dad

90 replies

ChosenCandy · 23/08/2019 19:59

Just signed up but need advice

Me and my ex are 16 and he broke up with me in may and in June I gave birth. He started off by saying he wasn't the dad but his parents wanted a dna test and he is.

Then he said he doesn't want to be a dad. He hasn't met baby because he doesn't want to.

He's failed his gcses and he said it's my fault

Help!!

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 24/08/2019 11:32

You can't force someone to be a dad if they dont want to. Did you manage to sit your own GCSEs? If not, think about doing them next year; it may not seem important now but honestly it is.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 24/08/2019 12:24

Yes I did my gcses. His parents are having baby this afternoon for an hour or 2.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2019 13:05

I think it's a very good thing that his parents and family want to be involved. Please don't cut them out. It's not their fault their son isn't living up to his responsibilities. Having them involved can only add to the baby's life.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 24/08/2019 13:17

My mum has me when she was 17 and my Father (not that I call him that) was 24 and denied me until forced by court to take a DNA test which proved I was his child. I have never had anything to do with him and I'm better for it, he now has 9 children by 6 different women. My fathers parent were always disgusted with his behaviour and I saw them eow.
Try and continue to promote a relationship between your DS and his grandparents, the more support for you the better, this Mummy shit is hard work!!

Well done on getting your GCSE's
Just focus on building a future for you and your little boy, he's the only man you need in your life for now Smile

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 24/08/2019 17:18

When I dropped baby off with exs parents he went out. When I fetched baby I went to the cafe and he was there. He met baby But he still said he doesn't want to be involved

OP posts:
Branleuse · 24/08/2019 17:27

was he like this when you were pregnant?

Drabarni · 24/08/2019 17:31

You need to forget about him and watch your ex ils, just in case they start pulling stunts when they realise he doesn't want to know. They already forced a DNA on a vulnerable person. They don't sound nice, either.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 24/08/2019 17:42

He didn't seem bothered when I was pregnant but he never said he didn't want to be a dad.

His parents don't know he doesn't want to be involved because he's told me not to tell them and he didn't tell them because he said they will force him especially his dad.

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 24/08/2019 18:19

I think it's good you have your mum and brother for support.

You already sound like a great mum putting your baby first by not getting back with your Ex but still letting the baby get to know its grandparents and family.

Make sure they know, you are mum, what you say goes and don't allow them to take over or take control but also allow to help if they can, the more help and love for the baby the better.

Keep strong and continue to concentrate on you and baby, congratulations.

Armadillostoes · 24/08/2019 18:35

OP-You are very brave. You need to tell his parents the truth though. He is 16 and got himself into this situation. He needs to face up to his responsibilities. If he isn't prepared to do that then he can expect others, his parents included, to judge him harshly.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2019 19:23

Well hell with what he says.

You certainly shouldn't lie to his parents about him not wanting to be involved if they ask. But I can't see how they don't already know. I'd think it'd be pretty apparent to them that he doesn't see the baby and doesn't give you any money or supplies.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 24/08/2019 19:34

His parents think he sees baby but not when they do. And I think he lies to them that he's seen baby

And he doesn't have a job so they probably don't notice he doesn't give money

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2019 19:55

Well as I've said, don't lie. If they ask you, tell the truth. If he lies in front of you to them, call him on it.

We fall into patterns in relationships, feeling we need to be 'loyal' or 'cover' for a boyfriend. So there's probably something still inside you that says if he tells you to lie, you should do it. But you no longer have to do that for him. You owe him nothing. Not loyalty, not 'covering'.

I don't think you necessarily need to sit his parents down and 'tell it like it is' (unless you want to), but you certainly needn't be part of his deception. You've had to do a bit of growing up now you're a mum, haven't you? Well, he needs to do the same. And you covering for him certainly won't help him do that.

HaileySherman · 24/08/2019 20:32

He sounds irresponsible all around OP. Make sure he supports you financially as much as he can then focus on you and your baby. Most 16 yo boys are still boys. You don't need the extra responsibility of him. Glad you see getting back together isn't for the best. Shows you're making mature decisions for your child. Take the support you can get from the dependable people in your life. Congrats on the baby!

BertieBotts · 24/08/2019 20:38

How on earth does he think it's going to work with you being together but him not being involved with the baby? He doesn't have his head screwed on right. You seem to, though. It's great that you have a good relationship with his family. I agree that you don't need to go telling tales on him but also definitely don't cover up for him if they ask or mention something. Like if they say "Oh when he came over on Tuesday" for example you could say "Sorry, Tuesday? He didn't come over on Tuesday. He hasn't been over since DD was born."

Waveysnail · 24/08/2019 20:45

Ignore him and just deal with his parents. Stay single at least until baby turns one to avoid drama. Concentrate on yourself and the baby

Bourbonbiccy · 24/08/2019 21:21

OP, seriously don't get involved in their family drama, if you get in the middle of it, it will just take too much of your time and effort mentally.

Don't lie for him, just say speak to "Dave" if they say anything but really don't put yourself in it or allow him to put you in the drama. Just let it wash over you and concentrate on you and baby.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 09:34

No idea how he thinks it would work if he wasn't involved with baby.

He said he wants to see baby today but he said it doesn't mean he wants to be involved

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 25/08/2019 09:39

So he's still a child, but wants to turn up for sex.

You need to get him out of your head. Stop focusing on what he is or isn't doing and concentrate on your wishes for the future.

You can't make him grow up, or be a Dad. It's better to accept that and move on with your life.

justilou1 · 25/08/2019 09:40

Oh god, sweetie, stop protecting him and get smart. His parents are nice, but your baby is not their dolly to show off to their friends when they want to. Tell them everything. Show them texts. Let them know that you understand that their son is a kid and is too young to be a dad and you don’t want to trap him, but if they want to be involved in your child’s life, it’s going to be on your terms because you’re going to be doing this alone.

Jokie · 25/08/2019 09:46

Completely agree with other posters. Don't lie to his parents and just be honest with them.

Also, he needs to step up and not take and leave the baby whenever he wants to. He said he wants to see him today but doesn't want to be involved? Or be a dad? Which is it going to be?

Verily1 · 25/08/2019 09:53

He wants the perks without having to do any of the work.

You and baby are better off without him.

Move forward with your life- nodal is better than one who disappoints DC.

But get cms and include grandparents if you can.

rdef · 25/08/2019 09:57

If he doesn't have a job surely it's obvious to his parents he doesn't give any money. Where would he get money from?

It's not your job to protect him and lie for him. You have a new baby and that is your focus. You're a very young girl who has unexpectedly had this responsibility put on you. He has also unexpectedly had the responsibility put on him, but he has made his choice.

Stop dancing to his tune. Stop lying to his parents. He doesn't get to call any shots. Block his number. You have no reason to be in contact with him if he doesn't want to be a father. You can still encourage a relationship with your baby's grandparents separate to him. If he decides he wants to see the baby he can contact you via his parents and stay in the house when his child visits.

"**He said he wants to see baby today,, but doesn't want to be involved".

Do not let him pick up and drop off contact when he feels like it. Your baby is only a baby now. But how do you think that attitude will make them feel when they are old enough to understand.

You are your baby's advocate now. Stand firm. He might cop on, he might not. But you don't need him.

MrsTeaspoon · 25/08/2019 10:12

I had my eldest at 16, 2 weeks after sitting GCSE exams that I got straight A’s in...his blaming you for his failing is so pathetic...I was disowned by my family...got a great job/promotions/focused solely on my child and found strength to go to the court for injunction against ex. Many years later, my eldest is now a professional, career-focused young women who has the confidence and self-belief I didn’t have. You have to focus on the reality not what-ifs...he is pratting around with lies/playing with your emotions and your child and it’s unacceptable. You’ve had to deal with the consequences of your actions and grow up - don’t let him not! Insist on the truth, contact CMS, get a contact arrangement sorted legally for him/his parents to be involved and everyone knows where they stand. You are in control.
He may mature and be a good father and even partner later but now is the time for you and your baby, you’ve got this!!!
Congratulations and hold your head up high always.

Original poster
ChosenCandy · 25/08/2019 12:46

I said to him he can't say when he wants to see baby and when he doesn't. But he just replied well he wants to see baby today.

OP posts:
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