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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this a bit shitty?

87 replies

NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:36

I've just got home from learning that I've had a delayed miscarriage. I'm devastated. I rang H and told him as he's at work.

He's just rang me and asked if his ex can drop his kids off with me because she wants to go out and he's not finishing work till later.

Usually I wouldn't mind this at all. Get on great with the kids but I'm so upset. All I want to do is get in bed and to be perfectly honest I really don't want to be around young children after just being told I've lost my baby not even an hour ago.

I've said yes but he knows I'm not happy. I've just agreed because I really don't have the energy for any issues right now but AIBU to think this is insensitive of H and he's not thought this through properly? If he wants to look after his kids he should come home from work to do so given the circumstances.

OP posts:
TheRealShatParp · 23/08/2019 17:38

I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Yeah, it’s really insensitive. He’s not allowing you to grieve and thinks you should immediately go on as normal.

Countrylifeornot · 23/08/2019 17:38

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage Flowers
However, you do need to be assertive here, not passive. Phone DH back, say you just can't face it and he needs to either come home or tell ex to divert kids elsewhere.
Put yourself first

CareBear50 · 23/08/2019 17:39

I think he was insensitive. Is he normally like that OP?. So sorry for your loss....how 💓 breaking for you. I think you should have told him exactly how you were feeling and said you just needed to go to bed as you're feeling so upset.

JoyceDivision · 23/08/2019 17:39

That's really, really shitty.

In fact, I'd ring him back, tell him you aren't able to do it and take yourself off to:

A) Bed
B) mum's house if she is around
C) hotel
D) a good friend's house

And use the time to think about your dh...

Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:39

I don't even know what to do. I can't cry in front of them as that's not appropriate, they'd ask why and I obviously can't tell them them the truth but I'm not sure how to keep this all in.

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 23/08/2019 17:40

It was insensitive of him, and you've agreed which was probably because of autopilot. Can you put a movie on or give them a tablet and order food? Then him get himself back asap. Or is there time to say no?
Be really kind to yourself. Can you get the weekend away from the children?

wheresthewine36 · 23/08/2019 17:40

I'm sorry for your loss. I miscarried 3 times myself so know how heartbreaking it is.
This IS shitty behaviour from your partner. Does he have form for being insensitive and oblivious to your emotions? I understand why you didn't but you really should have said no. You deserve some time and space to yourself to process your loss.xx

Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:40

He's already told his ex she can drop them off now and she's on her way. It's my own fault for saying yes I know I was just a bit gobsmacked and couldn't deal with any sort of fall out.

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 23/08/2019 17:41

I am sorry you're going through this.

Brefugee · 23/08/2019 17:42

I'm very sorry for your loss.
You really really need to learn how to say "no" (and he needs lessons in actual thinking)

how old are the kids?

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/08/2019 17:42

Wow, your H has been a selfish insensitive prick.

Flowers
Beesandcheese · 23/08/2019 17:42

Any friend you could get to entertain them? Give you space?

help2buy · 23/08/2019 17:43

I'm sorry so for your loss op and yes that is insensitive Thanks

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 17:43

If you can't say no to him I honestly wouldn't be considering having kids with him.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

chickenyhead · 23/08/2019 17:43

Is he the type to want to keep you busy and keep your mind off of it? (An escape trick some men I know utilise)

If not, then this is outrageously insensitive! I would venture so far as to say he should be coming home to be with you, not prioritizing his ex night out.

cocomelon23 · 23/08/2019 17:43

Don't be afraid to look after yourself op. You can say no. Sorry for your loss.

Beesandcheese · 23/08/2019 17:43

Not that you should be working this out he needs to take this burden on. Can't he leave now considering your news?

Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:44

They are 7 & 9. I'll probably just stick them in front of a screen, shove a pizza in the oven and make my excuses to go upstairs to be honest. Probably not the best but hey.

OP posts:
Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:45

If you can't say no to him I honestly wouldn't be considering having kids with him

It's not that I can't say no to him generally. I was just in a daze and didn't have the energy.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 23/08/2019 17:45

Probably ok to do that, tbh, if you tell them you're not feeling well.

Hopefully their dad will be home soon and he can take over.

Flowers
Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:45

Can't he leave now considering your news?

He's trying to leave earlier apparently but he's out on site at a job.

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/08/2019 17:47

Can you ring ex and tell her? In her shoes I’d get it, no explanation needed and be appalled he said yes.

Only suggest as you say you get along

So sorry Flowers

Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:48

Is he the type to want to keep you busy and keep your mind off of it

Maybe although I'm not sure why anyone would think children was a good way to distract someone who's just miscarried Sad

He's not usually insensitive so I could forgive it as just genuinely not thinking but I feel so shit, I'm nervous about how I'm going to act normal around them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:49

Can you ring ex and tell her? In her shoes I’d get it, no explanation needed and be appalled he said yes

No we don't have that kind of relationship really. I don't even have her number. We get on in the sense that we have a small 'how are you etc' at the door but nothing much else.

To be honest I wouldn't want her knowing anyway really.

OP posts:
Jimmers · 23/08/2019 17:50

I’m so sorry for your loss.
What an utter shit even asking you! Doesn’t matter if she’s on her way over - phone him & tell him to cancel, or alternatively tell her you’re unwell when they arrive. Tough shit if it’s inconvenient.
So sorry you’re in this position x