AIBU or is this a bit shitty?

[NastyTurnip]

I've just got home from learning that I've had a delayed miscarriage. I'm devastated. I rang H and told him as he's at work.

He's just rang me and asked if his ex can drop his kids off with me because she wants to go out and he's not finishing work till later.

Usually I wouldn't mind this at all. Get on great with the kids but I'm so upset. All I want to do is get in bed and to be perfectly honest I really don't want to be around young children after just being told I've lost my baby not even an hour ago.

I've said yes but he knows I'm not happy. I've just agreed because I really don't have the energy for any issues right now but AIBU to think this is insensitive of H and he's not thought this through properly? If he wants to look after his kids he should come home from work to do so given the circumstances.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Your partner is being a cunt for putting his ex’s needs above yours at a time like this. He’s being incredibly insensitive to expect you to just crack on with looking after his kids when you’ve just lost your own baby.

Your post has touched a nerve because I went through something very similar with my DH and his DC on the day I went into hospital to have a DnC after a missed miscarriage.

I don’t know the ins and outs of your family dynamics but to be honest the complete lack of consideration or care for my feelings and health at that time had a massive, detrimental impact on my relationship with my SDC. I felt so violated and invaded at a time when I was more vulnerable and grief-stricken than I’ve ever been.

Of course, after years of therapy I understand that it was not SDC’s fault and in fact it was DH’s fault for being an insensitive twat. So now, after years of displacing my feelings into SDC, I’m now angry with the person who caused those feelings: DH.

I actually think that my relationship irrevocably changed that day, when DH prioritised what his ex needed over what i needed. I think back to that time and imagine being strong enough to tell him to fuck off for good. But I was too emotionally destroyed.

My point is: don’t let him sweep his behaviour under the carpet or make you feel like the unreasonable one. He’s been incredibly callous and at the very least owes you a massive apology for starters.

Also the Facebook thing is just weird.

I'm sorry for your loss. If it was me I'd be out the door the instant he got home. What a total shit.

so sorry for your loss. Really, that's horrid.

You sound lovely. Your DP sounds lovely, usually. I suspect the baby pic was his way of comforting himself, when on his own and not thinking at all about how it would look to you. Not to hurt you, but to comfort him. Still shocking to see, for you.

Glad the kids are cheering you up. Not good to be put in the position of having them, but you are a good human.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He's very inconsiderate. If you can't get out of it now, pizza and tv for them and try as best you can to take care of yourself until he returns home.

I'd guess it just probably doesn't mean as much to him. It was a hypothetical pregnancy but it's not really very long to have got attached to the idea, especially since it's not his body. If he's otherwise a good man, I'd just shrug it off. I think it's easy to be overly sensitive because it's more 'real' from the get-go for the woman, where as for anyone else, it's not really real until it's further along.

I’m genuinely stunned that your partner could do this. You must be emotionally and physically wiped out. I’m so sorry

I'd guess it just probably doesn't mean as much to him

This might be true but he knew how upset I was because I'd told him.

It also may not be that far along but we've already lost previously so this was a real kick in the teeth. For me anyway.

As someone who had several very traumatic miscarriages this is really really shitty. I'm sorry he was so thoughtless, you need a good long chat with him. Words fail me.

When I had a miscarriage at around the same stage I couldn’t even look after my own DS. He went to stay with grandparents for a few days so I could grieve and pull myself together. I think he has been v v unreasonable expecting you to look after his children and not leaving work early.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you get strong enough to cope with everything. Obviously have a conversation with DH and explain your pain.

I am so sorry for your loss. Its an utterly awful thing to happen op. I kind of think he is actually grieving too... the fb thing makes me think he is looking at what you have both just lost...he may not be thinking straight either op, so is being insensitive/selfish. You are very obviously a wonderful caring person and I hope you get the space you need

He came home with some slippers and new pjs, flowers and a bottle of wine so I've been softened a little!

I definitely will speak to him though tomorrow after some sleep.