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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is this a bit shitty?

87 replies

NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 17:36

I've just got home from learning that I've had a delayed miscarriage. I'm devastated. I rang H and told him as he's at work.

He's just rang me and asked if his ex can drop his kids off with me because she wants to go out and he's not finishing work till later.

Usually I wouldn't mind this at all. Get on great with the kids but I'm so upset. All I want to do is get in bed and to be perfectly honest I really don't want to be around young children after just being told I've lost my baby not even an hour ago.

I've said yes but he knows I'm not happy. I've just agreed because I really don't have the energy for any issues right now but AIBU to think this is insensitive of H and he's not thought this through properly? If he wants to look after his kids he should come home from work to do so given the circumstances.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 18:12

What the fuck ?

That is is properly shitty.

And what "fallout" would you have anticipated if you had said no ?

Original poster

NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 18:13

And what "fallout" would you have anticipated if you had said no?

I don't know to be honest. Maybe not between me and him but possibly between him and ex. I wasn't thinking properly at the time and just said yes on autopilot as a PP said.

OP posts:

Twillow · 23/08/2019 18:15

I'm one for being devil's advocate but just maybe he thought you'd be better off with something to keep you busy until he could get there??

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 18:16

The saying when someone shows you who they are believe them seems relevant here.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 18:16

So if you had said no to babysitting his kids you would have taken the blame for strife between him and his ex ?

What are you ? The nanny ?

awsomeDean · 23/08/2019 18:17

I'd be reconsidering having children with this man.

Sorry for your loss and for you ha I g an arse for a husband

roseb · 23/08/2019 18:17

I am just wondering why his ex's needs are more important than yours? Call him back and tell him no. It was very insensitive of him.

Original poster

NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 18:18

It's hard because he's a good partner (usually!) And he's been so good through all of this (previous loss etc...). It's just this time I don't know what on earth he's thinking.

He's my rock usually so inclined not to just blow everything up and leave or start an argument. I might talk to him about it properly and tell him I'm upset with the way he's acted when I've rested a bit. I'm just exhausted right now.

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 23/08/2019 18:21

I am actually disgusted of his behaviour on your behalf.

Ninkaninus · 23/08/2019 18:21

Wow he’s been a spectacular ass today.

What an absolutely dickish thing to do to you.

I wish there was something I could say, but this is just really shit for you and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 18:24

I am sorry for your loss

The last thing you need to do right now is to start questioning your whole relationship. But I agree with @roseb and the first question you should be asking him is why he prioritised his ex's needs over yours at this deeply upsetting time.

timshelthechoice · 23/08/2019 18:24

WTAF? So what would he do if you weren't there wiping up his shit if it were his time to have the kids this weekend? He's have to be a bloody parent and get off from work and step up. Her wanting to go out is by the by, it's his turn to parent his kids, but instead he gets you to do his donkey work whilst he's on fucking FB and he knows you're having a miscarriage (on top of the sharing photos of his kids).

Insensitive doesn't even cover it!

This is why 99% of the time it's never a good idea to get with a man who has kids already, there's usually a cracking good reason why they're divorced.

He's a total arsehole.

timshelthechoice · 23/08/2019 18:26

He's usually good? He's bloody supposed to be!

Original poster

NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 18:27

I don't usually 'parent' the children or look after them alone often. This has been the case a handful of times max in our relationship, it's not that he leaves me often to look after them or anything.

However, this time was just completely inappropriate to ask. And I'm definitely upset about the FB thing. That was like a dagger when I opened the app

OP posts:

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 23/08/2019 18:29

I don't know that i agree that he's an arsenal. I reckon he hasn't really absorbed the news, has kept busy at work and responded to his ex on autopilot, just as OP did to her partner. The baby photos, i don't know. I think men compentmart things differently- it might be that he didn't but baby photo of older child in the same mental box as the one he's just lost.

I think the way forward is clear communication. Tell him you're upset about the news and struggling being around the step kids today.

EL8888 · 23/08/2019 18:29

He’s unreasonable and insensitive. His options are to come home early or make other arrangements. I wouldn’t get involved and if you’re feeling rough go to bed

messolini9 · 23/08/2019 18:34

The kids are here now and to be honest they've made me laugh a little so not as bad as I was thinking.

@NastyTurnip such an encouraging & heart-warming update.
You are brave, generous & thoughtful, & thoroughly deserve the small moment of light relief you just had giggling with the kids.

I'm not going to comment on DH/photos/etc - because I don't think you need to wind yourself up thinking about it right now. I just hope you get what you DO need right now, which is a quiet weekend being looked after & considered.

I'm also sure if you DO want advice about DH reaction & behaviour, you will post a thread about it when you are ready. And hope that PP's might also think of that, & refrain from any LTB-style commentary, no matter how well-meant, unless you specifically ask for it - perhaps in another thread, when you are feeling less overwhelmed & sad.

WIshing you a speedy physical recovery, & that your emotional recovery is aided by frank & kind communication & mutual support with DH xxx

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 18:37

That's a lovely message @messolini9

Happ1ymum · 23/08/2019 18:38

I am sending you a big hug Turnip.

NoSauce · 23/08/2019 18:38

Bloody hell what is he thinking? I’m sorry OP. I don’t think I could have done this is in your shoes, you’re a good woman. Take care of yourself

Ginger1982 · 23/08/2019 18:39

Sorry there should be no 'might' in your thought process about speaking to him about this. You need to sit him down when he gets home and the kids are in bed and tell him exactly how you feel about the way he's behaved this afternoon. If it turns out that he was just so upset it about all and didn't know what to do then fine, but he may not think he's done anything wrong and then you have a problem.

Please speak to him

Original poster

NastyTurnip · 23/08/2019 18:39

messolini9 thank you so much x

OP posts:

Ninkaninus · 23/08/2019 18:40

Lovely to hear that being with the children has cheered you a little.

I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you and he’s just been unintentionally insensitive. He probably just didn’t think.

MenopausalMomcat · 23/08/2019 18:41

NastyTurnip I’m v v sorry for your loss. My daughter had an early miscarriage earlier this year and her husband was also a complete dick about it. She ended up bringing my granddaughter and staying with me for the weekend for some TLC, and I think that’s what you need right now. BUT - you have to have this out with your hubby ASAP as the resentment will build and build until you’re a seething mess. Chances are he is being a typical bloke and because he doesn’t know WHAT to say, he chooses to say nothing at all! (And that’s not me defending his actions BTW!)
Hope your evening goes smoothly and that you feel better soon
💐💐💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/08/2019 18:42

It sounds as if you’re a great step mum and would make a brilliant mum to your own child. I do hope you will have better luck in the future.

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