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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About these visitors?

117 replies

Movinghouseatlast · 23/08/2019 13:55

Just had some friends to stay. I genuinely don't know if I am.expecting too much as I have never had non family staying for longer than one night before.

So if you went to a friend's house, in a touristy area, for 2 nights and had 2 dinners with drinks before dinner and wine with, 2 breakfasts(croissants, muesli, fruit etc) and one lunch what would you take for the hosts, or maybe buy when you were out and about to say thank you?

OP posts:
SuzieQ10 · 24/08/2019 09:38

I wouldn't expect more than a bottle of wine or box of chocolates. I live in London and friends from the north / other places ask to stay here when they have things in central London or flights from Heathrow etc. Don't think anyone has ever offered to pay for a meal out for us. Equally I wouldn't be preparing a fancy 3 course for them with unlimited wine (unless they were close friends whose company I really enjoy). I guess I'm not the 'hostess with the mostess' but also recognise they stay with us for their own convenience and saving money on a hotel. Not here to see us specifically.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2019 09:45

Even if it's not a holiday place go and stay with them for a weekend and do the same!

Chloemol · 24/08/2019 09:53

I always buy drink and chocs or flowers. Just don’t invite them again and start the step back on contact

rookiemere · 24/08/2019 09:56

In the same situation, I would bring wine and flowers and pay for at least one meal out ( on the basis that when I go away I prefer to eat out sometimes).

BackforGood · 24/08/2019 10:18

YOu have to be clear in your own mind if you have invited people you are close to and want to spend time preparing and cooking etc - in which case it is really your cost, and I'd expect them to bring a bottle of wine and some chocolates or flowers
or
If you are kind enough to 'not mind' people coming and bunking down with you because you live in a place they'd like to spend a couple of days. That, IMO, is also fine. We've done that before with friends who wanted to be in our City for a couple of days and we've said they are welcome to use our house as a base but,, due to other commitments we won't be able to 'host them' as such, but they are welcome to save hotel costs by staying here and they sort themselves out with meals. We put some breakfast things out and they also bring wine / chocs as a thank you. Sometimes they eat with us (as in an 'ordinary meal' we would be having, but just make more of it, rather than a specially planned dinner; sometimes they meet other people for a main meal; sometimes we have a takeaway.

MsTSwift · 25/08/2019 08:21

Also makes a difference if reciprocal- if you go there too that’s fine if always them visiting because you live in a desirable place that’s CF territory

Pamplemousecat · 25/08/2019 10:11

We had a guest once, they stayed five days ate loads of food. They gave us a tin of salmon as a thank you. Found out they were notoriously stingy. No financial struggles. I could hardly believe it. We still chuckle at that now.

Original poster
Movinghouseatlast · 26/08/2019 00:32

We won't go there, there is no reason to and they are not close friends. They asked to come to stay as a free holiday, which I was fine with as we have the space for people to stay.

OP posts:
Motoko · 26/08/2019 03:04

Don't let them stay again OP. If you do, you're being a mug.

wotsittoyou · 26/08/2019 03:22

As a guest, I'd have brought drinks and possibly nice sweets and paid for dinner out. As a host, I'd give what I could afford to without resentment and expect nothing in return.

People have different understandings of etiquette, I never hold a faux pas against a friend. You say you like them otherwise? I wouldn't give it any more thought.

mindutopia · 26/08/2019 08:37

Usually when we have friends over, we pay for everything but they bring drinks, snacks and sometimes flowers or something for the dc. We don’t tend to go out for a meal as it’s more hassle usually with children than it’s worth when you just want to have a conversation. But if we did, we’d still split the bill. We all stay with each other though so it all balances out. I wouldn’t have people stay just for a cheap holiday though, so that’s never been an issue.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 26/08/2019 09:04

They are cheap and rude IMO.

We have a similar problem (guest room in an area people like to visit). Most people are lovely and offer to take us out for brunch, or bring presents for the children or something.

But a surprising number of people don't do a damn thing to thank us, and just take our hospitality completely for granted. It leaves a bad taste in our mouth as well!

If you saved me the cost of a hotel as well as multiple meals out while travelling, I'd want to buy you at least one meal and I'd give you a nice bottle of wine at a minimum.

Did they really drink 4 bottles of wine between the 2 of them in one night? I'd be under the table after 1 bottle! Shock

Yabbers · 26/08/2019 09:12

It's been a long time since I stayed anywhere with non family but I've had guests stay with us. They've never bought us anything, or paid for anything and not did I expect it. In fact it's only reading this that I even thought about it. I can't imagine inviting guests then keeping a tally of how much food I bought in for them.

I invite friends because I want to see them. Wouldn't dream of expecting a gift for that.

Merryoldgoat · 26/08/2019 09:24

What I’d take depends on the occasion.

We occasionally go to friends who live a bit of a distance and they invite us for dinner and to stay over.

It’s basically a dinner party so we take several bottles - Prosecco, two wine, liqueur or spirits for after dinner. We might take breakfast but it’s never OTT.

If I went for a holiday I’d offer some money in addition to some Champagne and nice foodie bits. If you provided a dinner like that I’d take you to lunch the next day or do dinner the next night - our or in but all at our cost.

For a long break using you as a base I’d have a conversation and would expect zero catering and would’ve bring gift as a thank you.

Merryoldgoat · 26/08/2019 09:27

I took more than your friend brought you when I went to a friend’s for the afternoon.

My friend brought flowers, strawberries and snacks the other day when she came for a few hours.

Willow2017 · 26/08/2019 09:31

I invite friends because I want to see them. Wouldn't dream of expecting a gift for that

Op didnt invite them they aren't even close friends, they invited themselves and had a free holiday at her expense. Not something to be proud of.

justmyview · 26/08/2019 09:52

I would have brought two bottles of wine and paid for lunch out

Very cheeky that they brought wine with them and then refused to drink it

Aprillygirl · 26/08/2019 10:00

I don't quite know what you living in a touristy area has to do with anything, but I would take my hosts out for dinner or pay for a takeaway and some wine and probably give them chocs and flowers too.

DarlingNikita · 26/08/2019 10:03

Aprillygirl, I think the point is that these people wanted a holiday in the area and decided to 'use' the OP's place as a hotel instead of paying for accommodation.

Willow2017 · 26/08/2019 10:04

Aprillygirl
Of course it's relevant. If op didn't live in a popular place for tourists then her visitors wouldn't be there for a free mini break! If she lived in some remote place with nothing to do these people who arent even close friends wouldnt have invited themselves to stay.

katewhinesalot · 26/08/2019 10:18

I've been embarrassed by the amount some people spend when they visit.
People don't need to be excessive. Flowers or chocolate and some wine to drink is fine.
You don't need to do the whole paying for meals out thing if it's reciprocal and you are good friends.

In the ops case it does sound very one sided though.

Ponoka7 · 26/08/2019 10:34

I think you've set yourself up to be taken for a free ride.

Normally when we get to a Friends house, or sometimes when planning it, we decide what we are doing for food and if we would like to drink. Then split the cost.

In my family/friends we don't have the disposable income to feed others to your extent, though.

We'll all pitch in for Christmas etc.

A simple "what are your plans for dinner/breakfast" will do.

In your case they should have been supplying the alcohol.

The issue was that they are CFs and you saw yourself as hosting.

Ponoka7 · 26/08/2019 10:37

@Aprillygirl
"I don't quite know what you living in a touristy area has to do with anything"

Because you're not just visiting, you're getting a free holiday. So you calculate what accommodation and food would cost and 'give back' a reasonable portion of that.

smartiecake · 26/08/2019 10:38

They will be asking again, make sure you say No next time

Motoko · 26/08/2019 10:55

@Yabbers OP didn't invite them, they invited themselves, and they're not even close friends. Different scenario.