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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About these visitors?

117 replies

Movinghouseatlast · 23/08/2019 13:55

Just had some friends to stay. I genuinely don't know if I am.expecting too much as I have never had non family staying for longer than one night before.

So if you went to a friend's house, in a touristy area, for 2 nights and had 2 dinners with drinks before dinner and wine with, 2 breakfasts(croissants, muesli, fruit etc) and one lunch what would you take for the hosts, or maybe buy when you were out and about to say thank you?

OP posts:
Inferiorbeing · 23/08/2019 16:28

We usually take wine over, however it's common for our friends and us to alternate visits quite frequently so we never do anything else!

Lindormilk · 23/08/2019 16:33

If it was my brother and SIL & kids, they would definitely make themselves at home and drank/ate everything without a thank you. Hence why they aren’t allowed back, CBA with them

If it was me I’d buy wine, flowers and a meal out.

I detest people who take advantage.

Coyoacan · 23/08/2019 16:34

As a visitor I would have wanted to pick up the tab and as a host I too would have wanted to pick up the tab.

DarlingNikita · 23/08/2019 16:38

I guess if you're not interested in knowing that, take what you want and swill it down your neck.

That's me told Grin

Rachelover40 · 23/08/2019 16:44

I think you'll have to let this go, Movinghouseatlast. I would have taken a gift but they may well think that, if you went to theirs, they would treat you handsomely.

Having people staying is sometimes difficult to navigate, it is best not to have expectations. There was no reason not to open their wine - presumably you still have that.

Try to draw a line, it's over now and, who knows, you may receive something nice in the post. It used to be considered good etiquette to write a thank you note after visiting and send flowers or wine or something. Times and habits change so I don't know if that is still the case.

NameChange84 · 23/08/2019 16:48

I guess if you're not interested in knowing that, take what you want and swill it down your neck.

That would be water or Fentiman’s then, given that I’ve no interest whatsoever in alcohol Grin.

Willow2017 · 23/08/2019 16:49

I don't think it's snobbish. If you were serving salmon and had chosen a Pinot Grigio to accompany it, your guest, not knowing the menu may have brought Chateau neuf du Pape which would go better with eg a steak.

You can have more than one type of wine over the course of a meal or an evening you know.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/08/2019 16:51

On the one hand £150 for two days (especially given that you presumably ate half the food) isn't bad, but I would have brought some very nice gifts for you or taken you out for a couple of nice lunches.

RelaisBlu · 23/08/2019 16:57

We would:

Arrive with gifts - flowers/wine/chocolates
Offer to take them out for dinner on one of the 2 evenings
Pay for any other incidentals while out & about, especially if there had been no opportunity to buy dinner eg if eating at home on both evenings
Send a card thanking them within 24 hours of arriving home

Crunchymum · 23/08/2019 17:10

I am not clear, did you do them 2 dinners with wine, 2 breakfasts and 1 lunch?

Did they give you shit wine?

Did you go out much where there was an opportunity for them to get you food / drinks?

PasDeGeeGees · 23/08/2019 17:19

I know it's an etiquette thing not to open the wine that guests have brought, but if they specifically say not to open it, I tend to assume that they have given you shit wine and don't want to be found out Grin

PegasusReturns · 23/08/2019 17:30

@NameChange84 I don't think it's snobbish.

I wouldn't necessarily serve wine that someone had brought round nor would I expect my wine to be served if I was bringing it, either because your host may have gone to great lengths to ensure the right food and wine pairings or your offering is ultimately a gift and to expect to consume it is rude.

That said if you've drunk all of your hosts wine and then don't want to share what you have brought that is unforgivably rude.

stayathomer · 23/08/2019 17:37

Are you saying they didn't want to drink the wine they bought you as a present? So they didn't want to drink your present? As for the gift thing, sure it's right to give a gift but maybe at that particular moment they forgot/didn t have the money and are planning to get you back ( this has happened to us). If you have guests it always costs and yabu ( and mustn't like them very much if it matters to you)

SleepingSoul · 23/08/2019 17:41

I'd usually take a couple of bottles of wine, chocs/ biscuits/flowers depending on the host and pay for a nice meal out. I do then feel a bit torn about opening the wine I provided because I try and buy half decent and see it more as a gift than a contribution to share, but then we'd probably still have a drink so doesn't really matter, they're still down a bottle.

When I'm hosting I accept it's going to cost a bit but want to look after my guests. I am happy with just a small token. I'd only raise an eyebrow if guests expected me to foot the bill for all of us when out.

NameChange84 · 23/08/2019 17:51

@PegasusReturns

I didn’t say it was snobbish.

And I don’t drink alcohol so whether the hosts do or don’t drink the wine I bring makes no odds to me.

I also agree that t’s very rude not to share the wine you’ve brought when you’ve drink all the hosts’ wine.

Funghi · 23/08/2019 18:17

Did you cook the dinners or go out?

See it’s a tricky one. When my friend comes to visit me I know she’s had to pay for trains (which are ridiculously expensive) and she’s taken the time and effort to come all the way over to see me. I’d never expect her to add gifts on top of that.

She’ll stay at mine and we’ll have drinks at mine which I pay for and then go out for dinner, each paying for our own.

I’d find it strange if she tried to pay for mine after incurring the cost of travelling over purely to see me.

Original poster
Movinghouseatlast · 23/08/2019 18:46

Ok, to clarify.

I cooked all the food at home. 3 courses, gin and tonic, Prosecco etc then wine.

They brought white wine, which I don't like. On the second night when I asked them if they would like some of it, as we had drunk quite a lot of the red we had, they said no they would prefer to drink more of our red. They said it was not wine they liked to drink. And yes it was cheap from Aldi. I'm not really bothered how much it cost though. Its more that in the wine hoovering they wouldn't have what they brought and knew we wouldn't drink!

We had to keep opening it really, as the husband kept asking! It would have been so rude to refuse.

We won't stay over with them, we aren't hugely good friends. We live in a holiday destination, this was a holiday for them which they kind of invited themselves to!

I do like them, but I just felt that I was very generous and even a cheap box of chocolates would have been thoughtful.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/08/2019 18:53

They brought cheap wine that they don't like? Confused

CFs!

Provincialbelle · 23/08/2019 18:57

They sound like appallingly shameless scroungers with the wine. Bringing anti freeze that you don’t just hope not to drink but actively refuse point blank. Unreal.

And yes I’ve had experience of guests like this - they won’t be guests again

Jerboas · 23/08/2019 19:00

But if cheap chocolates would have sufficed why wasn’t the cheap wine acceptable?

Ellapaella · 23/08/2019 19:04

Don't have them back again op! We stayed with friends recently in a touristy city and we spent a large part of the weekend with them aside from a few hours when we did some tourist stuff in our own. They fed us one meal (we stayed 3 nights) and we took them out for dinner twice and paid the full bill on both occasions. On the night we ate at their's we bought wine for the meal (that we all drank) and we left them 2 bottles of decent wine and a box of chocolates when we left.

Hmmmbop · 23/08/2019 19:27

Did they invite themselves, as a sort of minibreak at your expense? If so, that is different in terms of what I would expect.

We visit friends regularly (2 -3 times a year) in a lovely seaside, tourist area. We'll sometimes take wine, and a gift for the kids but not always. But they visit us 2 -3 times a year as well, and we pay for everything then, so it evens out. We visit them to see them, not to do our own thing or visit the local area particularly.

Hmmmbop · 23/08/2019 19:28

Just read your update. They are CFs!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/08/2019 19:38

Pair of tight CF users. Beans on toast from now on and I'd be busy next year.

SilverySurfer · 23/08/2019 19:49

*Willow2017 Fri 23-Aug-19 16:49:59
euf du Pape which would go better with eg a steak.

You can have more than one type of wine over the course of a meal or an evening you know.

Of course you do but I'm struggling to think of a pudding that goes with du Pape. Await your reply telling me there's a perfect pudding to go with it Grin