Am I too old/is this fair?

[Sundancer77]

Dp and I are both 41 and have a 13 month old Dd. We first tried to start a family at age 31, cue years of infertility, miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and ivf treatment.
Our last ivf cycle at age 39 worked and we had our miracle girl at age 40 💜
We have one frozen embryo left which we have to use until November 2020.
Likelihood is it wouldn’t work..but, would you try? If we did try, it would have to be fairly quickly.
My issues are..are we too old? The embryo is frozen from age 39, so not in than respect, physically I feel ok, but in terms of the possible child being only in their twenties when we are in our 60’s.
It would also be a fairly small age gap between the kids and i’m aware a lot more work.
In lots of ways I feel sad to not try the possibility of giving Dd a sibling and the thought of her being alone in the world upsets me 😢 but would it be selfish or a good thing to do?
What would you do?

Having another one soon wouldn’t make much difference when you already have one so young.

I would go for it but soon! (Older mum myself)

Go for it. You have nothing to lose and you are not too old yet.

Go for it! Life is too short for regret and best of luck

I don’t think it’s a terrible age to have a child at all, not much difference it the scheme of things and 60 year olds don’t usually need a lot of input from adult children. In fact, it might be nicer for your DD to have a sibling potentially as support than to have to deal with things alone. I don’t think you are at all selfish.

I had a dc at 43! Most def no regrets.My friend had her last ivf frozen embryo at 41...
She said she had to give it a try...

The thought of being pregnant so soon again is a bit 😬( doesn’t seem like yesterday!)
I guess a two year age gap between siblings is very normal, but hard work?! A toddler and new babe?

The "is it fair" question I'm assuming relates to your (relative!!) old age when they're only 20 etc?
It's a moot point .... if a second child is only a matter of months younger than the first. If you had a 20-year age gap between children, different question perhaps.

What would you rather? Try and it not work? Or not try & not know?

Because she was such a little miracle I was hoping to spend time solely just with her for a while too..but the thought of her having someone with her outweighs this I think.
But time is of the essence! Sad I’m not still 31 as opposed to 41 🤷‍♀️

Do it!

I'm in a similar position (age 38) had my DD in March after 5 years TTC and 1 round of IVF resulting in DD and 1 frozen embryo, we will absolutely be using our frostie as I can't bear to think of it just going to waste and will probably go ahead with a FET next year which will mean if it is sucessful I'll be having another aged 40. I'm a much older mum than I would've liked to have been but hey ho that's life and some things you can't plan for.

Definitely try. Had our first at 39, second at 40 and currently 26 weeks with our third at 43. So, so blessed

I would go for it but I'd definitely get rid of the notion of 'giving' your child a sibling. This is a potential individual human we're discussing not a new doll for her playhouse.

Might as well. Either way it'll be gone if you do nothing. It's not ideal but I'm quite religious and think morally you have an obligation to try and give this embryo a chance. Yes you'll be 60 etc etc, but if it works you'll have 2 children who may share burdens with each other. Go for it! You'll only end up tortured by 'what ifs' if you don't.

That’s it @drquin It does make never sad to think of the age we’ll be when they’re in their twenties-it obviously isn’t old, but a little older than I’d ideally like us to be.
If I didn’t try, I think we would always wonder.
If it ‘Was’ to work, I’d be 42/43 when I gave birth and a 2-2.5 year age gap between them.

Also, being older parents we thought it was important to try for siblings for our first. He got them. I'm sure he'll thank us later!

Go for it - you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
If you don't you will always wonder "what if?...."

I would do it now. Rather have a small gap between siblings than a big one or none at all. They'll grow closer to each other and share more experiences together that way.

Yes, it’s also definitely the thought of just leaving the other embryo too 😢
It wasn’t about giving my dd a playmate, just someone for support in the world, especially as we are a bit older..that worries me. She has plenty of little friends as playmates.

If you think you'll regret not trying, then do it.

Lots of mums I met at baby groups were nearly 40 when they had their first and 40/41/42 when they had their second. If you want to, try!

I'm in my twenties and both parents are in their sixties. In my case it's mostly because I'm the youngest in a large family, but I see no issue with it - both of mine still mustered up the energy to chase around after me and take me to sports clubs etc. Maybe it depends more if YOU feel too old. People do age differently (and that's normal and fine).

Given your daughter is still young too, there's not much difference from when you had her really.

If you'd regret not trying - try (assuming your DP is up for it too ofc).

I would try in your shoes OP. Best of luck!

I don't think having another child to give their sibling support is a sensible reason, there are plenty of people who don't get on with their brothers or sisters. The relationship can actually be toxic in some cases.

However if you want another child I don't think you're too old. Good luck whatever you decide.

I had an embryo left over from an ICSI cycle after having DS when I was 34 (so much younger). I had it transferred last November when I was almost 36 and got a negative result. Another full cycle later I had one embryo in a 'freeze all' which sadly didn't survive the thaw.

I would do it soon if I was you. Your age could work against you, but it might not. I assumed my other embryos would work and didn't. Go for it!