Am I too old/is this fair?

[Sundancer77]

Dp and I are both 41 and have a 13 month old Dd. We first tried to start a family at age 31, cue years of infertility, miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and ivf treatment.
Our last ivf cycle at age 39 worked and we had our miracle girl at age 40 💜
We have one frozen embryo left which we have to use until November 2020.
Likelihood is it wouldn’t work..but, would you try? If we did try, it would have to be fairly quickly.
My issues are..are we too old? The embryo is frozen from age 39, so not in than respect, physically I feel ok, but in terms of the possible child being only in their twenties when we are in our 60’s.
It would also be a fairly small age gap between the kids and i’m aware a lot more work.
In lots of ways I feel sad to not try the possibility of giving Dd a sibling and the thought of her being alone in the world upsets me 😢 but would it be selfish or a good thing to do?
What would you do?

I'm 52 with a 17 and a 13 yo, the only thing I worry about is paying for university so close to when I'd like to retire, but apart from that, I'd say go for it.

Absolutely go for it.

i understand your apprehension but
2 year age gap is perfect imho. and a common one so I can't be the only one.

I have 2 dds and a ds. there's 3.5 years between the girls then 2 years between middle dd and ds. it is much easier dealing with the younger 2 than it was trying to balance the emotional needs of a 3.5 year old and a new born. go for it!

go for it!

I'd say go for it OP.
I'm 28 and my DM is 64, I can't say I've ever felt like she's an 'old' mum and she's certainly got enough energy to run around after DS and her other granddaughter.

My father was older than you when I was born. I can’t say it hasnt had an effect. I had children at the earliest opportunity, my father’s age was part of my motive to do so. Now I have a young family and am already faced with him declining health. The hardest part thoughhas been doing it alone. If I had a sibling to share the burden with it would much easier. If you have children late it’s kinder to have more than the one imo. That’s just my experience though. Good luck whatever you decide.

There's 18 months between our two and honestly, it's brilliant. They've always been into more or less the same stuff, days out and holidays are a doddle. The first year was tough, I'll admit; on evenings when DH worked late and it was just me with them, I struggled to get them to bed without crying from one or the other because they were wrecked and I couldn't wrangle both of them at the same time! But aside from that, it's been great and I'd definitely recommend it.

I am facing the same dilemma. Am 25 weeks pregnant after IVF and have one in storage - in my case the consultant wants me to have a egg collection before I turn 40, and use the frozen embryo (and others) afterwards to maximise my chances of a second pregnancy

I would do it

In general, we regret the things we don't do

OP - we are parents in our 60s with DC in their 20s.

At the moment you're maybe thinking that being in your 60s is on the elderly side but I assure you it isn't. I still work (will retire fairly soon) and do not feel "old" at all.

DC do not regard us as ancient either. I had last DC when I was nearly 40.

Most people have a baby and a toddler. You will survive.

I have a feeling that you'll regret it if you don't give it a go.
As you say - it may not work.

Very best of luck, whatever you decide.

I would go for it, sooner rather than later. Be realistic, you know the odds aren't in your favour but if you don't try you will always wonder what could have been.

“I'm 28 and my DM is 64, I can't say I've ever felt like she's an 'old' mum”

Your Mum was only 36 when she had you then? So was not an old Mum at all?

I say go for it. I’m currently pregnant following ivf treatment. I’m 36 but my husband is 45. We have two embryos in the freezer and will definitely implant both at some point. I think if we don’t, we’ll always think what if?

You're not too old. You have a LO already so I can't imagine why you would think a year or two would be a major deal?

Thanks all, definitely don’t see being in 60’s as old these days, just a big difference as my own parents themselves are in their 60’s, but things are different now with people having children later.
I don’t feel old either (well, perhaps after no sleep-but that counts for everyone I’m sure)
The embryo was frozen at 39 so should be preserved as that so shouldn’t make a difference to the fact I could be 42 when they do the transfer? Or am I being thick there? Would being 42 make the likelihood of it working less? I always assumed was mainly based on the age of embryo (eggs & sperm?)

Go for it. Good luck xx

The embryo won't age as it's frozen, but interestingly for me, during this last fresh cycle, I found that my body didn't react as well as it had done during the first fresh cycle. I took longer to get to egg collection stage, had fewer eggs, took longer to get to transfer stage and then it didn't work. I also felt a lot worse on the drugs this time and I'm only 2 years older than I was the last time and still mid 30s! Everyone is different though.

Definitely not too old. So you’ll be 60 when they’re 18/20, so what? 60 is nothing these days, it’s not about age it’s about attitude. Go for it! Good luck 🤞 And come back and tell us 😊

Go for it! I just had a naturally conceived baby at 43 and was born when my mum was 43. I had ivf for my older children, you're not at all old!!! How would it be selfish?! You'd be giving your existing dc a sibling to grow up with and be with after you're gone.

I had dd1 at 27, and dd3 at 40. She is now 11 and I am 51. I don't regret it and in your shoes you might just as well try!

I’m having my second ivf at 43 to give my son a sibling so he won’t be alone dealing with his old folks on his own and to be really honest I was terrified of just having the one in case anything happened to my darling boy ( irrationally silly I know but it genuinely was/ is my greatest fear)

Do it.
Soon.
They'll have each other when you're older.
The close age gap is harder in the short term but so much easier in the long term cos they play with each other instead of you

Do it!