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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too old/is this fair?

78 replies

Sundancer77 · 23/08/2019 13:15

Dp and I are both 41 and have a 13 month old Dd. We first tried to start a family at age 31, cue years of infertility, miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and ivf treatment.
Our last ivf cycle at age 39 worked and we had our miracle girl at age 40 💜
We have one frozen embryo left which we have to use until November 2020.
Likelihood is it wouldn’t work..but, would you try? If we did try, it would have to be fairly quickly.
My issues are..are we too old? The embryo is frozen from age 39, so not in than respect, physically I feel ok, but in terms of the possible child being only in their twenties when we are in our 60’s.
It would also be a fairly small age gap between the kids and i’m aware a lot more work.
In lots of ways I feel sad to not try the possibility of giving Dd a sibling and the thought of her being alone in the world upsets me 😢 but would it be selfish or a good thing to do?
What would you do?

OP posts:
resipsa · 23/08/2019 16:14

Go for it! Had my second at 44. Gives you an additional incentive to stay healthy which benefits everyone. My DH was diagnosed with cancer at 38. He's fine now but it's true than younger age does not necessarily mean better health. Don't overthink it.

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/08/2019 16:15

Do it. I had my 2nd at 37. just before my 38th birthday and my 3rd at 39, two days after my birthday.

They are now just 14 and nearly 13 and I am nearly 52.

They are good kids, close (in spite of arguing ALL the time) and there is a joy in them ganging up against us parents that I never got from DD1, 11 years older than DD2.

I feel being older parents that at least they have each other.

I was also laughing at a thread where the mum was fed up of doing separate lunches. Mine invariably do their own and often make mine too. They actually like to take care of their 'old' mum! Grin

ButterflyOne1 · 23/08/2019 16:16

I'd say go for it. If it's meant to be, it will be.

katewhinesalot · 23/08/2019 16:18

It boils down to do you want a second?
If yes the sooner the better both because of your age and because they'll be more likely to be supportive to each other if the gap is closer.

KronksSpinachPuffs · 23/08/2019 16:19

I would absolutely go for it!

Original poster
Sundancer77 · 23/08/2019 16:21

@Ginger1982 Yeah, I think if I had to go through it all with a fresh cycle it might be different, but it’s just a case of transferring the frozen, so is thankfully a lot simpler. It would only be a case of age making a difference to carrying the baby I guess? I don’t know 😬

OP posts:
GiantKitten · 23/08/2019 16:24

I was 42 when DC4 (my last) was born. He's 26 now.

Granted I had less energy when he was little than I did with the others (& that wasn't much to start with) but honestly, having a teen/20 around as you get older is fantastic for stopping you turning into a set-in-your-ways curmudgeonly old fart Grin

He finally left home permanently earlier this year so DH & I are now potential curmudgeonly old farts, but so far that hasn't happened, & with Whatsapp we're in regular chatty contact with all 4 kids & in touch with all sorts of random youth stuff.

I would say def do it! Good luck! Flowers

justjuggling · 23/08/2019 22:26

I know I’d regret it if I didn’t try do I say hi for it!

justjuggling · 23/08/2019 22:27

GO for it not hi! 🙄

Lovewineandchocs · 23/08/2019 23:01

Go for it. Friends of mine did this, the embryo took and all went well. They say it’s the best decision they ever made. Good luck! Grin

HUZZAH212 · 23/08/2019 23:15

Go for it. My mum adopted me from birth when she was 40 towards 41. Social services who have a vetting list as long as your arm were satisfied she wasn't too old. I was also extremely lucky that her retirement resulted in her generous offer to provide free childcare for my own DC. To me that was far more significant than her being 5yrs younger when I was in my 20s.

ispepsiokay · 23/08/2019 23:27

I'd do it, my 2 eldest are reasonably close in age and it gives me comfort that if I were to shuffle off early they would have each other for support (plus the other siblings that arrived since then!)

facevalue · 26/08/2019 20:24

no brainer x put it back in for sure x all the best

imamearcat · 26/08/2019 20:40

I think you should go for it. I've got 20 months between mine. It is hard work but I think starting to get marginally easier now they are 2 and 4.

BlueSuffragette · 26/08/2019 20:43

Go for it. You'll always wonder what if....if you don't give it a try.

daisypond · 26/08/2019 20:45

I think you should go for it. The age gap isn’t too small at all. Mine are 21 months apart from each other, and it’s a lovely age gap. Most people I know had around the same age gap too.

TooManyPaws · 26/08/2019 20:55

I was born when my mother was 40 and my dad 41, conceived naturally. There's plenty of people who have children in their 40s, and, as someone of 58 and looking at around 10+ of work the way it's going, you won't necessarily be 'old' when they're in their 20s. Age is in the mind, regardless of physical health.

Tiredmum100 · 26/08/2019 21:07

If I was you I'd 100% go for it! Good luck if you do!

Mollie3 · 26/08/2019 21:30

I would do it, if it’s meant to be it will work out and if not at least you gave it a chance! You wouldn’t be looking back and thinking what if..
The fact you’ll be 60s when kids are 20s is perhaps another reason to go for it as opposed to not. As then your DD will have a sibling for support and companionship should your health take a turn for the worst. Life expectancy is increasing anyway so I don’t think the age gap between you and your kids is as much of an issue as perhaps you are imagining.

Duxford1940 · 26/08/2019 21:58

Go for it! I had my first at 39 and my second at 41- 22 months between them. It is hard work, and I am (very!) tired - but it is so worth it, and it is lovely to see them together. Good luck whatever you decide!

Phoenix76 · 26/08/2019 22:19

I just wanted to add my voice to the "go for it" camp. You're not too old. I'm an older mum and yes it's tiring but I'd have found it tiring whatever age I was. I hope everything works out for you.

SallyLovesCheese · 26/08/2019 22:43

Go for it! My husband is 50 and we had our first a year ago. Yes, he'll be old when DC is 20 but that's the way life has worked for us. I'd like to try for another in the next year or so. I'm approaching 40 so if we have another I'd like it to be sooner rather than later.

Definitely try. You're not too old.

Mythreefavouritethings · 26/08/2019 22:45

Another go for it, I lost my mum in my 30s but my gosh I have some happy memories. I had my ivf daughter at 40 and about to do it again (will be 43 by due date if lucky enough). I can’t wait to traipse through the autumn leaves in our wellies and have whatever little traditions we create. Live, be here now, and don’t spend time in your head worrying about age. My mum was in her 60s and did a charity skydive and swim. Not saying we all have to do that, just that age isn’t always what it looks like. Also know an amazing mum who has issues more common to older people, she’s still brilliant with her boys.

Ravenblack · 27/08/2019 03:29

I say go for it @Sundancer77

Ravenblack · 27/08/2019 03:30

@Sundancer77

Ooops posted too soon sorry!

I am normally against the idea of babies over 42-43, but as your lovely little girl is so young, I would say go for it - and soon! An age gap of around 2 years is fab!

60 is a wee bit old (IMO) to have late teens children, but it's not ancient! A few people have said that siblings do not always get on, but sometimes they do! And they are not going to have a CHANCE at getting if the second one doesn't exist. So take these comments with a pinch of salt.

Go for it! Smile