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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just been shouted out by funeral party...

717 replies

Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 13:05

Aibu to be feeling really upset by this? I was just driving along and a funeral car pulled out slowly from a turning. They had about 10 cars behind it which were possibly all part of the party, so I slowed down and let a load of cars through. Now this was a residential road and I could see some other cars had joined the back of the queue. I started easing forward a bit as if I kept waiting there letting all the cars out I would be there ages and needed to get home, also I wasn't to know if they were all part of the funeral. I had right of way as they were in a side turning, but sat there patiently for a while. Well this lady then rolls down her window and starts shouting at me! Saying they are part of the funeral party and could I not see that. I explained that I had let about 10 cars go and wasn't to know who was part of the party and who wasn't. She just shouted at me to get out of the way very loudly and rudely and pulled out. I just put my window up and pulled over as I felt a bit shaken. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable anyway at the moment and I hate confrontation. I know that at these times emotions will be heightened, but was I really in the wrong here? They were going to then be pulling out onto a main road where I'm sure they would be seperated by other cars, so you can't all expect to stay together surely?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/08/2019 18:10

Burying the dead by means of a formal funeral is not a massive favour/unusual act of deference to the deceased. It's a necessity and is considered an act of charity by some Christian churches, maybe other religions too.

Not only is a big procession a mark of deference and an acknowledgement of the solemnity of death, it can be a huge comfort to the family that so many people hold them and their loved one who has passed on in high enough regard to take a day off work, to make the effort to attend a church service or a service in a crematorium or funeral parlour, and to accompany them as they make their final journey with the person in the hearse. The majority of American funerals take place within a week of the death, so it is even more of a token of affection that people are able to attend, as there is often very little advance notice.

By the same token, it can be terribly upsetting for family members if relatives or friends have been subject to the normal traffic regulations and arrive too late to the final resting place of the remains to be with them as they bid their loved one goodbye. It's horrible to have to wait for stragglers, and dangerous for drivers to have to speed up to get to the burial if they have been separated from the procession by traffic lights or stuck behind a bus making frequent stops, etc.. Very often the minister or officiating speaker only has a certain amount of time for each burial, and the grave diggers too.

The very practical American approach of suspending normal traffic rules (with police escort) seeks to eliminate dangerous driving and maintains the already existing respectful attitude toward funeral parties. It has always struck me as being highly civilised.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 29/08/2019 18:13

Can ABSOLUTELY picture posters with opinions similar to the above at a funeral of one of their own nearest and dearest, letting other road users cut in with a cheery wave hmm

Unless it was VERY close family (in which case I’d be in one of the official limousines) I would have driven straight to wherever the service was taking place so would not be an issue.

Incidentally I can actually SEE our local crem and cemetery from my house, lots of hearses and limousines drive past but seen long corteges, the ‘other’ cars tend to go straight there because of parking issues. When I’ve attended for friends funerals I’ve walked there.

iklboo · 29/08/2019 18:25

Can we just agree that things are done differently in the US and the U.K. and there is no bloody point fighting over who is showing the most respect & deference? You might as well argue about driving on which side of the road is best.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2019 06:16

Apparently, there is the expectation in the UK that other drivers won't cut into a funeral procession too, though, or else the women in the car wouldn't have been so angered by the OP.

Kismett · 30/08/2019 07:14

Where I’m from in the US you don’t have a police escort but you do see processions where people have little flags on the cars so they are easily identifiable as a funeral procession

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 30/08/2019 10:42

If the expectation is there then they should make themselves more identifiable surely? Not just expect everyone to know and then shout at them to move and pull out in front of them. I think that's what most people are saying, it's fine to have these traditions, but it needs to be clear who is part of the procession so that others can try to respect it. As I've said time and time again, had I have known where it ended, I would have waited, happily.

OP posts:
iklboo · 30/08/2019 16:23

For the eight billionth time it wasn't CLEAR the woman was part of the funeral procession. There was nothing on the car to indicate it, she was brightly dressed and about 11th in the line. Unless the OP is Mystic Meg she was not being unreasonable or disrespectful.

ParmesanOfVirtue · 30/08/2019 18:01

Yanbu

  • what @Lifecraft said
mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 08:56

I saw these people join the end of the queue on a residential road, I didn't know where they had come from and the queue was getting bigger and bigger with other cars joining.

Where else would they all have been coming from, Iklboo? So many cars on a residential road + hearse? Better to give the long line of cars the benefit of the doubt than to edge out.

She could see other cars joining the procession.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 31/08/2019 12:55

Erm their homes!?

OP posts:
iklboo · 31/08/2019 15:36

Their homes
Shops if there's a through road
Schools
Work
Practically anywhere

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 31/08/2019 15:46

Thank you! I did hide the thread as it gets really draining having to keep going over and over it all the time, but I keep getting email notifications so end up looking again.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 18:20

That many of them, all at the same time, with a hearse a few minutes ahead of them?

It's not rocket science.

iklboo · 31/08/2019 18:43

Christ on a bike.

Lockheart · 31/08/2019 18:47

Hearses go slowly.

Therefore long queues of other cars tend to form behind them @mathanxiety, the majority of which will not be associated with the funeral party. It's not rocket science.

OP was more than reasonable to let 10 (10!!) cars out behind the hearse, the majority of which were not obviously associated with the funeral party.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 18:55

She could see the other cars joining the procession but she decided randomly - based on what she thought from her own cultural pov to be a proper number of cars/proper funeral attire, and also with getting home in mind - that the car she had assumed to be the last one in the procession was the end of it, despite seeing other cars join in.

Sometimes the mindset that other people are more than likely to be taking the mickey has unfortunate consequences.

Lockheart · 31/08/2019 19:06

So how long should she sit there causing a hazard on the main road then? And yes, sitting still on a main road and allowing traffic to build up behind you is a hazard.

OP was perfectly reasonable and patient. If you're going to have an outsize (by usual social mores) funeral procession which is not clearly marked in some way then you have to expect that the cars at the end might get treated as normal traffic. Other road users are not psychic and have to drive to the normal rules of the road. And OP had the right of way, although she had kindly stopped with the intention of allowing the funeral procession to remain together.

Funguy · 31/08/2019 19:09

Stupid woman. The fact she was gazillions of cars behind shows she was not a primary mourner but a bossy old bat.

Mothership4two · 31/08/2019 19:54

I'm beginning to wonder if you are real @mathanxiety. I have seen you spouting similar silliness and continually overriding posters' common sense on other posts.

Are you a sad man with nothing better to do than wind up MN posters?

mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 20:41

Lockhart, she could see other cars joining in, and the obvious assumption was that they were all part of the procession.

It's not up to the OP to take responsibility for the response of any cars behind her or to fret about them. Maybe they were more clued up than she was about funerals if they all chose to sit there patiently? She doesn't mention anyone beeping or trying to pull out around her, so we can assume they were all idling peacefully.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2019 20:42

I take it you don't always agree with me then, Mothership4two...

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/08/2019 21:00

Maybe they were. But OP had somewhere to be. Which is a good enough reason for her to go.

As far as I'm aware mourners don't have to be with the hearse. It's not like the position of the cars is going to make the person any more dead.

Lockheart · 31/08/2019 21:04

@mathanxiety by staying there and blocking the main road when she has right of way then she is causing a hazard! No, she's not responsible for the actions of other drivers, but if she is blocking the road then she is causing a hazard and it is up to her to make progress and help keep the highway clear.

It's basic driving knowledge which they teach you in lessons and which you have to use when you take your tests.

She was nice to let as many cars out as she did, but then she needs to proceed and allow traffic to flow safely.

Mothership4two · 01/09/2019 07:37

I don't agree with lots of MN posters Mathanxiety, especially those that seem to argue just for the sake of it.

You seem to be very critical of the OP, who didn't do anything wrong, and of everyone who doesnt agree with you. She explained that she was in a residential area, let 10 cars out after the hearse, that there were cars joining the queue and got bawled at for her trouble. She wasn't to know that car 11 was part of the procession. Funeral corteges have to follow the Highway Code like everyone else, although, of course, people do make allowances out of respect (even in dog eat dog UK!). She may have been breaking the law to continue to hold up traffic (failing to make proper progress). OP also didn't say she hadn't allowed enough time for journey, just that she needed to get home.

After all that, I am hoping you are not some sad man in a room! Grin

Mothership4two · 01/09/2019 07:45

At the end of the day, does it REALLY matter if corteges get split up? Especially several cars back. I doubt the departed loved one is looking down hoping that every car in their funeral procession is in a line with no incomers. If you are worrying about that on the way to the funeral, I am not sure how sad and grieving you are. Surely, the actual funeral service is the main event. I have already said, from experience, I wouldn't have cared (or probably even noticed) and would be more focussed on the whole day and grieving for the person who I had lost