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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact half sister I found through Ancestry

80 replies

CheeseToasty · 22/08/2019 22:49

So I recently took an Ancestry DNA and a half sister came up as a match. I have never had contact with my dad and never wanted to look for him but finding a sibling has taken be by surprise. I don't know what to do. What would you do?

OP posts:
scarecrowhead · 22/08/2019 22:50

Will you come up as a match for her ?

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2019 22:50

Message her to say you think you have the same father.

Original poster
CheeseToasty · 22/08/2019 22:51

Please excuse the typos.

OP posts:
ifoundthebread · 22/08/2019 22:52

Take some time to process that piece of information, think about what you want now you know.

Original poster
CheeseToasty · 22/08/2019 22:52

I will come up if she look at the site. Feel like I have to either contact or delete my data

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/08/2019 22:54

What would you do? There's a lot of things to consider here. How would you feel if she didn't reply or if your Father got in touch with you?

StoneofDestiny · 22/08/2019 22:58

Do you want to contact her?
Think it through with possible outcomes that might arise - talk to your nearest and dearest first.

snozzlemaid · 22/08/2019 22:58

I have this issue as well. I found her also through Ancestry, but not dna test just family tree stuff and then further investigation on Facebook. She lives really close to me as well.
Our dad and my half sister's mum divorced when she was young and she had no relationship with our dad, afaik.
Dad died 25 years ago but I've been trying to decide whether or not to contact her for ages. She no doubt disliked/hated our dad as he wasn't around when she was growing up. So I'm not sure she'd appreciate contact from me.
It's really difficult to know what's best. I'd love to have a sister but not sure it would go as well as I'd like it to.

Original poster
CheeseToasty · 22/08/2019 22:59

If they contacted me I would reply. My father doesn't know I exists so think it would be a bigger shock for them. Not sure I could cope with being rejected.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/08/2019 23:00

I would do it.

Original poster
CheeseToasty · 22/08/2019 23:04

I have spoke to family and close friends but they just tell me to do what I want (would help if I knew what I want) or encourage me to contact her because they find it exciting. Thanks for sharing your experience snoozelmaid

OP posts:
Starface · 22/08/2019 23:08

Be prepared that you might be rejected or not welcomed as you would like. If you are saying you would struggle with that, then think carefully as it is a very real possibility. Also be prepared for a response take some time. It will be a lot for your new found sister to take in.

snozzlemaid · 22/08/2019 23:11

cheese As you're seeing this from the other perspective to me, and you had no relationship with your father how does that make you feel towards your half sister?
I'm convinced my half sister probably despises me because he was in my life and not hers. That's what's holding me back from contacting her so far.
I'm pretty sure she must know I exist as she had contact with an aunt who mentioned her to me a couple of times when I was a child.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/08/2019 23:12

Starface makes sone very good points. Also try to remember that if she doesn't want to meet, that's not really a rejection. She won't ever have met you and won't know how wonderful you are Thanks

pumkinspicetime · 22/08/2019 23:16

The rejection can be hard having seen this happen to a close family member.
I would personally feel drawn take the risk because it might work out.
For my family member they were contacted and when the other person realized who they were they never replied which was hurtful.
But if the relationships were less secretive and shame filled then the final outcome might be happier?

Thistly · 22/08/2019 23:17

It’s impossible to predict how your sister will react to finding out about you.
Definitely take some time to think about the different eventualities before contacting.
It sounds like you want to, but are rightly concerned about the consequences. Once you are prepared for the consequences then go for it (I have a close relationship with one of my half siblings but not at all with the other. We always knew about each other though).
Good luck.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/08/2019 23:39

Do you have contact with your mother? Is there a reason your father doesn't know about you? Is he dangerous or did she just not want him to know?

YeahNahWhal · 22/08/2019 23:51

My Dad was contacted by his half siblings in his 60s. Dad didn't remember his father - the bastard left when Dad was a sickly 3yo. So aside from curiosity and politeness, Dad had no interest in these siblings. In his words, just because they had the same father didn't mean they had anything else in common. Dad never contacted them again after the first meeting.

If you did reach out to your sister, I think it would be important to prepare yourself for rejection, or a meet up then rejection.

pooopypants · 23/08/2019 00:01

I'd make contact but be prepared to be rejected, just in case it doesn't go as planned

madcatladyforever · 23/08/2019 00:03

I'd do it right away regardless of the consequences.

Original poster
CheeseToasty · 23/08/2019 08:46

Thanks for you advice. The reason he doesn't know about me is because my mum thought someone else was my father. She only worked it out when I shared my Ancestry result from my ethnicity. She is in a right state about it obviously. I'm not going do anything right now. Half sister was on the site earlier this month so guess it's only a matter of time till they find me.

OP posts:
Mollyboboff · 23/08/2019 08:55

I was an only child. If someone contacted me with DNA evidence that they were a half sibling I would be intrigued enough to return contact.
I would see your opportunity as nothing to lose , you haven't spent years trying frantically to search for someone, so if they didn't reply , no big deal.

SunsetYorks · 23/08/2019 09:04

I found out years ago my dad is not my biological father, my mum and him have never actually told me this! I’ve never told them I know. I’d be wary if a half sibling contacted me as it would open a can of worms but I’d love to chat to them. I’ve never tried to find my biological father.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/08/2019 09:09

my mum thought someone else was my father. She only worked it out when I shared my Ancestry result from my ethnicity. She is in a right state about it obviously

What about this though? The person you thought was your father isn't. How do you feel about that?

HeronLanyon · 23/08/2019 09:19

First taken your time to process what it means for you. And your mum.

Then spend a bit of time thinking about how she my react and what that might mean for you.

Think through her wanting nothing to do with you and whether that would be devastating - either now or in future. For your mum also.

My gut feeling, for me, would be to contact her. But it’s such a subjective context-specific decision !
Good luck.