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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact half sister I found through Ancestry

80 replies

CheeseToasty · 22/08/2019 22:49

So I recently took an Ancestry DNA and a half sister came up as a match. I have never had contact with my dad and never wanted to look for him but finding a sibling has taken be by surprise. I don't know what to do. What would you do?

OP posts:

Candymay · 23/08/2019 09:24

She’s taken the test so I would assume she’s open to discovering connections whatever they may be.

I have recently had something similar. I too took the DNA test and someone I match has now realised that her father cannot be her biological dad. Our connection goes back further so it is not as close as your situation so we are not sisters. But I still realise she was discovering everything she thought was true in her family was not.

She got in touch with me first and I gently suggested where I think we connect and she was really open and accepting of the situation. She has had a very good and happy life and is able to look at family scandal with a bit of humour. She is an older lady now which phone helps with perspective.

I don’t know if this story is any use to you at all actually but what I think is that having taken the text indicates a real curiosity and maybe let her come to you.

I think the Ancestry DNA is going to bring up a lot of these stories.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 23/08/2019 09:24

Is the age of your half sibling on the site? I know some people share it. I'd be inclined to contact them if there was quite an age difference, even if it was just to say you've noticed the match but this is exceptionally new information for you and you assume for them too. If they're close in age though I think I'd leave it in case it's already opening a giant can or worms in their lives.

Candymay · 23/08/2019 09:25

Sorry about the typos!

cheesewitheverything · 23/08/2019 09:26

I think you will have to make contact at some point, you won't just be able to leave it, but you don't have to rush into anything before you have thought it through. It's a big step and could lead to all sorts of family stuff you can't predict. Don't let anyone rush you into it because it's exciting and interesting for them - this is your life. The fact that you are asking us lot on here suggests you aren't sure yet, so give yourself a little time to get used to the idea.

Candymay · 23/08/2019 09:27

@HeronLanyon you are so right- I’m sorry OP I did not even consider what this means to you and your parents. Of course you need time to process this too.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 23/08/2019 09:29

FWIW I've taken one and it's leading me to suspect someone isn't the father somewhere down my paternal dna line, I suspect it may be my grandfather or great grandfather. I know most about that sides ancestry and there's a giant hole. Don't know so much of the maternal side but I've had distant cousin matches that are people I've met and know are distant cousins 🤷‍♀️. Am hoping that maybe my paternal side are just a far less curious bunch.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 23/08/2019 09:55

Well the man my mum told me was my father did not stick around.

OP posts:

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 23/08/2019 10:02

While I did take the test, I was really only interested in my ethnicity. Especially as I am now linked to a quite distant country. My mum was adopted and has always been curious so initially it was always about her. My half sister is about 10 years younger.

OP posts:

ConfCall · 23/08/2019 10:12

Your upbringing sounds a little chaotic with the “who’s the father” stuff, and I am wondering whether deep-down you’re looking for some stability and are wondering whether this other branch of your family might offer it. Apologies if this is way off the mark, it’s just a thought. I’ve been in a similar position but I’m no expert! I wish you well, whatever happens.

Stroan · 23/08/2019 10:27

I think you should take some time to process all of this new information before making any contact so you can be prepared for any eventuality.

I know I have at least three half siblings on my biological father's side. I don't know if any of them know about me. If they were to get in touch, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. I don't want to encourage any connection at all with his family and I wouldn't want any reminders of him or his behaviour towards me and my Mum.

You don't know what your half siblings childhood or upbringing has been like so you really can't predict how they might react.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 23/08/2019 11:03

No my upbringing hasn't been chaotic. It's just been me and my mum. Mums adoptive family are in another country and while our relationship is good it's obviously distant as I don't see them often. Mum had two relationships that were fairly close and had just assumed the second man was my father. She did tell that man about me and he decided that he didn't want to be involved which I am actually glad about now as this would have been a worse situation.
I decided to leave a message in my profile so if I am discovered they have a little info to help them decide what to do.

OP posts:

Indie139 · 23/08/2019 19:15

Id send a message

tillytoodles1 · 23/08/2019 19:19

A friend's mum had three half sisters, same mum but different dads. Maybe it's different because they shared a mother and wanted nothing to do with her. Just be prepared that she might not want anything to do with you.

Windydaysuponus · 23/08/2019 19:23

As an only dc I would be thrilled!...
There are a few skeletons in my family so fingers crossed!

KTD27 · 23/08/2019 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 23/08/2019 21:06

Thank again for the advice and sharing your stories. I really appreciateit. I feel a really desire just to talk about this and feel like the few I have shared with don't know what to say anymore.

I would hate to cause family upset on their side and is why I am considering deleting my data. But feel that is unfair on me too.

Like I said earlier I made a profile page that I hope will make it easier for them should they find me. I've made it clear that my father does not know I exists.

OP posts:

Bravelurker · 23/08/2019 22:33

My advice from my own personal experience is keep an open mind, don't see it as an emotionally, moving life changing event but as a way settling a curiosity.
I met my sperm donor (doesn't feel right calling him my father) and my half siblings in my 30's. My HS are younger than me and are sooo different in all ways you can be different. They were, IMHO slightly spoilt and lacking in empathy, but I put that down to having vastly different upbringings which is not their fault.
The sibling that I grew up with (same DM) has a different sperm donor to me and has met their own other HS and their experience is just as nuisanced as my own.
Complicated.
Don't assume they will reject you but you might think they fall short, iyswim.
Neither of us stay in touch with our HS very much and we laugh at some of the batshit differences in how we view life dispite the really obvious genetic stuff - we both look like our other HS but not like each other.

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 22:50

Don't delete your account. You exist, you don't have to hide yourself from anyone. If it comes out, as it no doubt will, then it's not your fault if it causes hassle for your paternal family. Give it a few days. Your half sister will possibly get an email telling her she has a new match and will check it out. You can check again in a few days to see if she's logged in since you matched. Then see if she messages. If she doesn't then just message her maybe saying that you are shocked to discover her as a half sister - which you are, given you thought your dad was someone else all along.

Passthebubbly · 24/08/2019 11:15

I found and contacted my younger cousin just to say who I was and that I hoped they were well. Our mothers fell out when she was a baby and we were not in each other’s lives. I was instantly blocked by her and it left me really upset. I didn’t think it would but it did hurt. What happened between our mothers was nothing to do with either of us and it saddened me to think she hates me enough to not only just ignore it but to block me too.

gamerwidow · 24/08/2019 11:21

What happened between our mothers was nothing to do with either of us and it saddened me to think she hates me enough to not only just ignore it but to block me too.
She doesn’t hate you, she doesn’t know you. Her blocking you has nothing to do with who you are. She probably just feels a loyalty to her mother or just doesn’t want the complication of extra people in her life.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 24/08/2019 17:29

Thanks again. Well I decided to send a message as the curiosity was driving me insane. Came to realise that by coming on here to ask what to do I was really looking for someone to tell me to do it and of course just like when I have spoke to friends there has been a mixed response which was understandable. Now I just have to wait and see.

I have found their mum and other sibling on Facebook and feel like a stalker so going to step away from it now and see if anything happens.

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 24/08/2019 17:41

Hope you have a positive response.

Drabarni · 24/08/2019 17:54

Hello my love, there are a lot of us out here finding parents and siblings through Ancestry.
Please look at the cases on youtube, it will give you an idea of the emotions you will go through.
It's imperative that you have support and remember that it is probably as shocking if not more so for your sibling.
At first it's like a new relationship and you'll be contacting each other often, it can take over a bit. But sooner or later it will go to a pace you are both happy with.
Good luck. I have a half sis and a half bro who don't want to know.

Drabarni · 24/08/2019 17:57

Sorry, forgot to say I'm a lot further on than you, would be happy to help/support via pm if you ever want to.

Original poster

CheeseToasty · 24/08/2019 20:09

Thanks that's very kind of you

OP posts:

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