To contact half sister I found through Ancestry

[CheeseToasty]

So I recently took an Ancestry DNA and a half sister came up as a match. I have never had contact with my dad and never wanted to look for him but finding a sibling has taken be by surprise. I don't know what to do. What would you do?

Op, just wanted to offer some ad ice as someone who has been rejected.

I tracked down my bio father 7 Years ago. I only had a name to go on and an old address. But after years of searching I finally found him with the help of ancestry/find my past and an obituary of his father.

I wasn’t sure what to do, he was married with two small children. In the end I decided to send a letter as the what ifs would have bothered me more than the rejection.
I never heard anything back from him. His family live about a mile from me and he lives about an hour away. His wife is on Facebook so I’ve seen pics of him and my half siblings and I’ve come to terms now that there won’t be anything more.

I’d love to meet him one day but I doubt I will ever get that opportunity. So I just Facebook stalk every now and then to see if there are any updated pics.

Just wanted to wish you luck op and hope you get a response xx

Sorry to hear that it hasn't worked out sillymcbilly. The Facebook stalking can give you a whole range of emotions. For me I thought I wanted to find a happy, successful family but when I saw it I wanted to see the opposite iykwim.

I did however get a lovely reply today from their mother. I haven't replied yet as I want to discuss with my mum first. I am really worried about how she is going to take the news as she didn't really encourage me to make contact.

That's great! Just stay calm. She can feel her emotions but this is your right. If she kicks off just remind her of her part in this drama.

I would, but then I'm on the opposite side to this than you.
Ten years before she had me, my mother gave birth to a girl, my half sister. My gran forced my mum to give her up. Not a day goes by where my mum doesn't think about her.

You've actually inspired me to do this on the off chance that my half sister is on there.

FloatingObject

It's very easy to do, and worth it for the results you get.
Even if you don't find the person you are looking for you may find one that's close enough.
I still live in hope of finding somebody from my father's side, I don't even have a name.
My mothers side is pretty full now and I've met and contacted lots of family members.
Good luck, go for it.

I am glad you have made contact and hope it works out well.

I am incredibly close with my two half sisters who I only made contact with as an adult.

Why do you have to discuss it with your DM?

I have 4 half siblings I’ve never met and I would prefer not to be found by them. It’s complicated but involves affairs, criminality etc. I wouldn’t want their other parent to know a thing about my life, they (the non related parent) don’t deserve to know anything about my life, I’m sickened by them. Two of my half brothers have criminal records, one of my half sisters had a very unstable past and lashed out a lot at people due to her awful start in life and the other, tragically, is brain damaged as a result of their other parent’s violence and would never be able to communicate with me or benefit from me being in her life.

I also didn’t have a great upbringing and have worked hard, and am still working hard to have some sort of stability and normality in my life. I’ve already had police at my door trying to trace a half brother I’ve never met and was treated like scum by them because they assumed I was a criminal like him.

I just want to live my life in peace.

These ancestry things seem to cause a lot of trouble for people.

It must have been painful to discover that the person you thought was your Dad wasn’t. Do you know anything at all about the half-siblings life? I.e was your Dad married to her Mum when you were conceived? Is there anyway of knowing how much of a shock your existence could be to her?

It’s difficult as some people would be delighted to have a sister whilst others, like me, would rather just go on living our lives undisturbed. There’s no way of knowing unless you are willing to take the risk.

Drabarni You've convinced me! Next payday :-)

I think ancestry is the most popular but the others are good as well. make sure when you get your results you upload them to a Gedmatch. I struggled a bit and thought I'd gone wrong then I started getting matches from my Gedmatch.
Sounds complicated but it isn't really, I'm not tech savvy and got there.
Good luck, you'll be amazed how many thousands of matches you get back. mine was over 70k

Gosh that sound tough namechange84. Yes their mum and dad are together typical 2.4 family. These DNA companies really should put more emphasis on the risks involved in taking the tests.

Good luck floatingobject if you decide to have a go. Feel really sad for you mum. As a mother myself I can only imaging how awful that was for her. My mum is adopted and I see what that's like for her.

Really hope you find someone drabarni. I did my DNA with ancestry but put it into other databases. The match was not with Ancestry btw so while Ancestry is the biggest database it doesn't meat you'll find some close there.

Telling my mum was fine. I just felt it was fair to tell her as I was sent friend request from relative so she would find out. She has worried that I would hate her for this so felt it was important to include her plus I am really close to her.

Just wanted to update in case anyone is in a similar situation. My story must look too quick and easy and successful. The real emotional roller coaster of it all is just overwhelming.

I was sent some additional info and pics today which was great but after a few messages I felt it had come to an end and that is it done!

Initially I thought that I was happy with that and all I wanted was the story I am not sure now.

The fact that my father hasn't attempted to answer me himself and they've asked no questions about me unexpectedly hurts and I feel quite low now.

Of course I may be expecting too much and maybe once it's sunk in I'll hear from him. Who knows.

I don't think I want to meet him but still... I actually feel physical pain from my chest.

Slightly different in that I am adopted but i met with my birth sister many years ago
She is very nice and we are very similar despite very different upbringings and we stayed in touch for a few years but faded out probably around 18 years ago haven’t spoke to her no real reason just not overly bothered about xtra family and we have nothing in common last time I saw and spoke to her properly was at my wedding 20 odd years ago
Plus I’m crap at staying in touch with people I don’t see regularly and I’m sociable but on my terms
Her daughter is friends with my son on FB though
My son half sisters /brothers got in touch with him a few years ago but like me my son isn’t really that interested in getting to know them .
He is FB friends and they text now and then but that’s about it
I suppose it means that both of us my son and I happy with everything in our lives and not interested in adding to it .

My DS had no interest in meeting his Birth father either when he came to the uk a few years ago
Some people just aren’t that bothered about family dynamics

Its justme thanks for sharing you experience.

Woke up this morning and just had to tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and get a grip.

I was the result of a night of passion almost 40 years ago. Family is not genetics. Just wanted the message to be from my father I guess.

Hello, can I just check - if you message her does she only get the message if she checks her ancestors.com account? I think this might be the case - so if she doesn’t reply it could be that she did not see the message rather than has not replied to you.

@cheesetoasty my dad left when I was 2, long story short due to various reasons mainly on his part I had no contact with him growing up, Many moons ago in my early teens I sent a letter to someone he knew asking questions and a month later got one back from my stepmum, I can still remember the heart palpitations reading it (I didn’t send the letter because I wanted contact, I was just curious as to what he was like and where I came from) It took another 2 months before he attempted to make contact with me. I guess what I’m trying to say is it may be that he wants to contact you but just doesn’t know what to say.
I think your incredibly brave for putting yourself out there and whatever happens at least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering what if

I found myself in a similar position a few years back.

I'm an only child, raised by my mother. When I was younger I stumbled on some information that my father had a wife and children when he was with my mum, making her his other woman. I never asked her about it.

Anyway, there's something high profile connected to the family, so a few years ago I found them via a facebook group connected to it.

I found I had a sister and two brothers from him. This was his family with his wife (now divorced) and also, another sister, who was actually a similar situation to me, same age as me and the other kids, clearly cheating all over the place!

Anyway, she had been somewhat welcomed into the family. The siblings seemed to call her sister and be in contact with her, as was my fathers sister. I'm not sure about him.

I fell into the facebook stalking too.

It was quite strange, it was like I couldn't look away, but also couldn't move. I never contacted them. Now I'm at peace with it. It wasn't what I needed right then. I think we're very different people, they don't seem to share my interests at all.

They live quite near, I've seen both of the brothers around the area.

I thought I was determined to contact them, but then I found that I had romanticised it, and realised that these shows that reunite families, afterwards they usually fade out and there's a fallout from it too.

I'm not quite ready for a life with them in it. I agree with PP, you're so brave to make a move and put yourself out there.

cheesy I think it's completely normal to be upset by your father not getting in contact, but please bear in mind that this is probably a massive shock to him too and he may need time to adjust. Give it some time and perhaps he will get in contact, maybe he won't but then you'll have your answer in that regard.

Ittakes2 our last messages were on fb. Feel a little exposed iykwim. Sure they have had a good nose around.

Tried to search online for fathers reaction to unknown children piping up as all I looked at before was from child's side. It seems that men who are happily married with their own family are more reluctant to make contact.

Guess I am just grieving the past I didn't have. Don't get me wrong I had a lovely childhood and only began to think about my father when I had my own children but as an only child to a single mum I always wondered what it's like to have more family in my childhood.

Also there is a feeling of missing out on the culture of my new ethnicity.

Personally I don’t get all the dithering I’d jump straight inane send a message esp if your dad isn’t even here anymore what’s the worse case ? She doesn’t want to be in contact well you’ve not lost anything then have you ?
And for all you know could turn out to be wonderful and at least you’d know

I would have messaged already personally

Dithering lol you made me laugh. I am too scared of rejection.

Father is still around all they said was that he was shocked.

but as an only child to a single mum I always wondered what it's like to have more family in my childhood.

Yes, this is exactly the same for me. When I was younger and my friends had lots of siblings, I cried for a sister.

Think there are some specialist charities that can offer information and support, eg counselling, in these kind of situations.

Does Facebook still have the ‘junk’ message thingy? I know it did years back - I don’t have Facebook now so it’s a question for those that do - is there any chance messages could have gone into that folder and they haven’t been seen? @CheeseToasty @Sillymcbilly

Womanspeaksout I am glad I am not alone with these feelings.

No there are no hidden messages. I was talking live on messaged to his wife and after she told me some facts I thanked her and didn't know what to say next so we just stopped messaging.

@BeverlyGoldbergsHairAndJumpers I wrote a letter, I didn’t contact on Facebook as only his wife is on there. I didn’t want to involve her.

There’s a chance I guess that the letter didn’t get to him but I’ll leave it be now.
I’m happy just stalking his wife on Facebook just seeing pictures so I know what he looks like.