Brother’s Wedding

[VitaSackville]

I want to know if anyone else would be upset by this admittedly first world problem. Most friends agree with me but a couple who significantly know my brother as well don’t. I want unbiased opinions. My brother eloped last week.
A year ago my mother was cooking for our very small extended family something she does a couple of times a year. My brother WhatsApped asking me if I could arrange a babysitter. Was I unreasonable to ask why?
He hummed and haad and I began to worry he had something serious to discuss. He reassured me and asked about babysitter again when I said I couldn’t he suggested my husband stay at home. Again I was puzzled and refused. It was all a bit odd. Half an hour later he rings me and says he wants to announce his engagement. I totally admit that my first thought was how can a 9, 7 and 5 year old get in the way of an engagement announcement and to my regret didn’t congratulate him. Anyway he actually tells family by ringing them all before meal to which sister-in-law does not turn up. My husband overheard brother telling cousin that they had wanted to hijack mother’s meal to make a thing of it but Vita wouldn’t play ball. They wanted to marry before she moved to another part of country for a year.
We love sister-in-law she transformed brother’s life. When we see her she is the life and soul of the party. They are both studying for a top profession and are broke. Dad gave them £5,000 as a contribution to wedding.
We went on holiday and my cousin rings up to say she was invited to wedding but her fiancé wasn’t. Did I think she could offer to pay for him? We returned home and it turns out my husband and children weren’t invited either. I couldn’t believe it.
Mum and Dad intervened. Brother’s explanation was it was a quick wedding before they moved for sister-in-law’s training and they just wanted family and significantly a few friends and had a limited budget. Were we unreasonable to be upset? My dad said he wouldn’t go and they cancelled the wedding. I did not encourage Dad to do this. All through this brother was nice to me and didn’t blame me. My sister-in-law however made a barbed comment that in future she was going to run by any decision she made by my husband as clearly His feelings are more important than her’s.
Well they’re married now. I want advice about whether I could have behaved differently and how to move forward. My parents are devastated. My sister-in-law’s mother who we have never met returned the cheque but Dad won’t cash it.

I'm really struggling to follow this.

Can't you just be happy for them?

Who cancelled what wedding/cheque if they're married? And how did your sister-in-law's Mother get involved?

Sounds like a right load of drama, I'm not surprised they eloped.

This is all a bit confusing. What is the bit you're asking advice on?

They were going to have a small wedding. Significant family members were not invited and your dad was upset, so they cancelled the wedding. Now they have eloped. Is that right?

I dont know what you could have done differently and I think now that they are married and it's all over with it's best to forget about it and move on. Agonising over throwaway comments and worrying about what you could have done differently are just going to stress you out and theres nothing you can do to change it now.

I’m not surprised they eloped as it sound like they wanted a marriage not a big wedding with too many people dictating who should go.

Sorry - I don't understand any of this.

Could you just tell us what your AIBU is?

If I gave one of my kids £5,000 towards a wedding and they didn't invite their sibling's spouse, I'd be pretty upset.

It was their choice who to have, it was fine that your children and oh weren't invited as they had done that with everyone, as they said they only wanted a couple of immediate family. Your father was wrong to say he wanted the money back because the wedding wasn't how He wanted it to be and now he's been given it back he should cash it, it's what he wanted, he showed off. You should have respected how they wanted their day to be. If you didn't want to go without your oh you could have declined. As for the whole engagement announcement, they obviously wanted it to be special, they should have given warning but I'm guessing they wanted it to be a surprise so didn't want to, but you were so bothered that he'd asked you to come without the kids so he could talk to you all that you didn't even congratulate him, I wouldn't have invited you to the wedding at all. I would imagine they wanted to explain about a small wedding and going away for the year and didn't want the kids there, not too much of an ask really. Why would you not congratulate him. If I was the sil I'd be running for the hills from your family.

I'm not sure what you could have done differently. I'm unclear as to why an engagement announcement requires you to get a babysitter and not take your children to a family meal. Or have I misunderstood that part?
It's also bad manners imo to not invite your sister's spouse to your wedding. I think it's okay not to invite children, although I would be hurt if my brother didn't want my children at his wedding.

Sil has a right to the wedding of her choice. But she cannot reasonably state that you don't have a right to be hurt by her choices. Or wrong to consider your husband's feelings.

I think I'd just say to her that you were excited for them and wanted to celebrate it as a family, but you recognise that they didn't want this and that you wish them well. Don't accept blame for the choices other family members made. Buy them a nice present and move on. What happens from that point depends upon whether your brother and sil want to be dicks and wreck all future relations.
I think there should be done acknowledgement from them that in a close family it's normal to celebrate weddings and no one was being mean to them in wanting to be part of it. It's nice to have a family that cares.

What did you do though?

Sorry if I am not making sense I have never posted before and I am upset and confused.
Is this my fault and would people have been upset if their brother had thought their children would spoil an engagement announcement? Would they have just accepted their husband and children not being invited to their brother’s wedding no matter how small it was? Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
I am thinking if I had told my parents not to make a fuss would things be better. I think my lovely sister-in-law hates me now and hates my husband. What can I do now to make it better?
My friend thinks their choices were unconventional and we were reasonable to be upset but as my brother is usually so lovely we should have just gone with it.
Sorry if I am rambling. They are home now and brother is friendly but haven’t seen sister-in-law. My parents think we won’t ever see her.

Is that someone's name in there or just a typo. Either way, it sounds like a lot of drama.

Aderyn19 I am going to follow your advice. Similar to my friend’s advice. P.S. my dad laid no conditions on the money and at no point asked for it back. He will not cash the cheque.
My mum is crying but only in front of me not brother.
Thank you to everyone that responded.

I think maybe they asked could you not bring your kids to the "announcement dinner" because they didn't want the kids to get excited about the wedding and then to be told that it wasn't a big do and there wouldn't be kids invited etc. They may have preferred to talk to you about that first rather than have to explain with the kids there?
I've been to weddings that my kids and husband weren't invited - honestly it didn't bother me but I know some families go all together or not at all. I think you were rude not to congratulate your brother on the initial phone call and you've made his wedding both the one he cancelled and the subsequent about you and your parents. If I were your sil I'd be giving you all a wide berth for a bit. Your cousin however is definitely a cheeky fecker.

Cash what cheque? If your brother hasn't paid it into the bank then there's nothing to cash...

It all sounds hugely dysfunctional. Why is your mum crying?

I'm still really confused.

Why is your Mum crying?

What has your brother done that is so offensive?

Why is it your fault?

I don't see what you could have done, bearing in mind that no-one was upfront with you. And I also think they are a bit weird, expecting you to respect their marriage but not respecting yours.
Why did your dad refuse to go? Was there any discussion at all about this?
If you're brave, I think you should meet up with your brother, have a full and frank discussion, put it all behind you and then arrange to meet up up with them together, (and your DC?) for something low key. Keep this between you and them, don't involve your parents this time. You don't want this to be a permanent feud.

So your dad refused to go to the wedding as his DS and DIL-to-be would not have the wedding that extended family wanted ( with your DH, DC and cousins fiancé attending). His efforts at blackmail backfired and the wedding was cancelled, DS and DIL then just eloped and had the small wedding they wanted and now everyone is throwing their toys out of the pram and crying at the drop of a hat? Added to that father got his money back so can't use that to browbeat them into doing what he wants.

At this point just congratulate the newly weds, maybe send a nice card and token gift and try to rebuild the relationships.

So did they invite everyone to the subsequent wedding after they cancelled the first?

Your SIL and brother seemed a bit ungrateful, considering that your dad paid so much. But your dad refusing to go was over the top, and that's what really caused the problem, as far as I can tell. No wonder your mum is upset.

You can only try to talk to your brother, tell him how much you love your SIL, regret what happened and want to know how you can begin to build bridges.

Just to add that I wonder why your friends that know your brother well don't think he has done anything wrong? Is there a history of the wider family steam rolling over what people want and trying to get their own way and dictating how things "should" be done.

I think they were being a bit precious over the announcement to be honest. Your children being there would not have ruined anything for them. All I can think of is that they were maybe wanting to duck questions from the children about whether they could be bridesmaids or something. Or avoiding having to tell the DC that they weren't invited. But that leaves it to you to deal with which is also not easy or nice.

People can go really funny over their weddings, even nice normal people. Maybe everybody was a bit clunky but hindsight has 20/20 vision. I do think it would be harsh of sil to hold it against you forever, when you really haven't done anything terrible. Okay, you forgot to congratulate them but I can see how it all got caught up in the discussion where they were excluding your husband from their wedding.
It's a difficult one. I do usually think a couple should have the wedding of their choice but at the same time it's a bit much to expect total support when those choices hurt the feelings of people the couple are close to.
I suppose on balance I think brother and sil are being a bit drama llama - they eloped, so got the small private wedding in the end.
Still, I think least said, soonest mended is the best approach.

I think your family have been stubborn and rained on their parade at every opportunity. Can't you just be happy for them and let them take the lead sometimes?

You might think your kids would be fine for an engagement announcement but it wasn't your call, your only decision was whether or not you could do him a tiny favour (babysitter) when he asked - which you didn't. If he'd wanted your opinion on your DCs attending, then he'd have asked for that instead.

So, you turned his nice surprise engagement announcement into a critique of his plan and didn't even try to get a babysitter, just pushed and quizzed him until he felt it was ruined and announced it by phone instead. When he did, you didn't even congratulate them - no wonder SIL didn't want to come.

Then the wedding was also about what you wanted, not her, but you got your dad onside as well.

Your brother is as important as you are in the family. I'd be interested to know how you announced engagements, pregnancies etc. and if he managed to be happy for you and let you take the lead. If he did, you need to reflect on the balance in your relationship, do you think of him still as a little brother? He's a grown man now, treat him as one.

I think if someone wants a specific type of small wedding with only immediate family members you should smile and nod. Even if it's not want you want or what you would do - it's not your wedding.

If all family except your DH - so other spouses and kids - invited EXCEPT yours that's one thing, but if it's only the immediate blood family then fine, that's what they want.

Not everyone wants a big wedding with the whole family there. I get that. Of course there's going to be a family fall out if you make a fuss over it and it gets cancelled.

You're allowed to be upset if you would have liked your own DH and DCs there, but I dont think you should have said anything as it's not your wedding, it's only ever going to lead to bad relations. Which it seems it has.

So your dad refused to go to the wedding as his DS and DIL-to-be would not have the wedding that extended family wanted ( with your DH, DC and cousins fiancé attending). His efforts at blackmail backfired and the wedding was cancelled, DS and DIL then just eloped and had the small wedding they wanted and now everyone is throwing their toys out of the pram and crying at the drop of a hat? Added to that father got his money back so can't use that to browbeat them into doing what he wants.

I was struggling to follow but this is a great summary, op your brother kicks ass

All I can think of is that they were maybe wanting to duck questions from the children about whether they could be bridesmaids or something. Or avoiding having to tell the DC that they weren't invited.

Agreed, they didn't want to announce it in front of children who were not invited, which is fair enough. I don't think they necessarily went about it the wrong way, and cancelling the cheque was the right thing to do.

Can you reach out to them both with a nice wedding present and a card? Include a message that says something like ‘I’m so happy you are officially part of our family as you have changed my brothers life in so many ways. I’m sorry if the communication between us all has caused problems for your special day and hope we can start again as you start the next phase of your life together.’