Brother’s Wedding

[VitaSackville]

I want to know if anyone else would be upset by this admittedly first world problem. Most friends agree with me but a couple who significantly know my brother as well don’t. I want unbiased opinions. My brother eloped last week.
A year ago my mother was cooking for our very small extended family something she does a couple of times a year. My brother WhatsApped asking me if I could arrange a babysitter. Was I unreasonable to ask why?
He hummed and haad and I began to worry he had something serious to discuss. He reassured me and asked about babysitter again when I said I couldn’t he suggested my husband stay at home. Again I was puzzled and refused. It was all a bit odd. Half an hour later he rings me and says he wants to announce his engagement. I totally admit that my first thought was how can a 9, 7 and 5 year old get in the way of an engagement announcement and to my regret didn’t congratulate him. Anyway he actually tells family by ringing them all before meal to which sister-in-law does not turn up. My husband overheard brother telling cousin that they had wanted to hijack mother’s meal to make a thing of it but Vita wouldn’t play ball. They wanted to marry before she moved to another part of country for a year.
We love sister-in-law she transformed brother’s life. When we see her she is the life and soul of the party. They are both studying for a top profession and are broke. Dad gave them £5,000 as a contribution to wedding.
We went on holiday and my cousin rings up to say she was invited to wedding but her fiancé wasn’t. Did I think she could offer to pay for him? We returned home and it turns out my husband and children weren’t invited either. I couldn’t believe it.
Mum and Dad intervened. Brother’s explanation was it was a quick wedding before they moved for sister-in-law’s training and they just wanted family and significantly a few friends and had a limited budget. Were we unreasonable to be upset? My dad said he wouldn’t go and they cancelled the wedding. I did not encourage Dad to do this. All through this brother was nice to me and didn’t blame me. My sister-in-law however made a barbed comment that in future she was going to run by any decision she made by my husband as clearly His feelings are more important than her’s.
Well they’re married now. I want advice about whether I could have behaved differently and how to move forward. My parents are devastated. My sister-in-law’s mother who we have never met returned the cheque but Dad won’t cash it.

[frazzledasarock]

I don’t get the horror of not inviting siblings spouse to a very small wedding.

I’m personally closer to my very close friends than the spouses of my siblings. I’d invite my friends above my siblings partners.

Adding children into weddings also increases costs and the small wedding they wanted would spiral out of control.

Personally I wouldn’t be in the least bothered if DP’s Siblings didn’t invite me to their weddings. It’s up to them entirely.

But then I really wanted to elope and only agreed to a ‘proper’ wedding due to the fact DP wanted a one as he didn’t want his parents to be upset. We’re currently trying to cut down on the guest list adding plus ones and children ends up spiralling very quickly.

[BarrenFieldofFucks]

Yeah, I can see his point tbh

[Aderyn19]

I think probably most of us are closer to our friends than our bils/sils. But we invite them beccause they are the life partners of our siblings. It's difficult to expect people to respect your marriage if you don't recognize the significance of theirs. Frazzled, I think you are unusual in not minding being left out of your UK's weddings.

[Matildalamp]

Seems kinda silly to try and hijack your Mum’s meal, and ask you to leave your children home, from a previously arranged family meal. Funny behaviour! Why not arrange another dinner, with no children? On the other hand if they want to elope, it’s up to them. But they seem a bit me, me, me.

[threemonthstogo]

I think as a PP said they obviously didn't want to announce in front of children they knew they wouldn't be inviting, which is sensible. And to be fair it's not "hijacking" your mum's meal, it's a pretty normal occasion to announce something like that with the family all together, though perhaps trying to do that and also not have the kids there wasn't the best thought out.

I can understand why you'd be hurt about your DH and DC not being invited but if they really wanted a small intimate wedding and weren't inviting others then you should have just played ball. And your Dad shouldn't have used his contribution to try and control the wedding, or then pulled out, all that must have been very upsetting. I can see why they eloped to be honest. Some people really do want something small for reasons of their own - wanting intimacy, not liking big fusses or being centre of attention, even social anxiety, and using it as a family event and then giving them hassle when they don't do what you want isn't very nice. People always have preferences about weddings and can't satisfy everyone, unless it's absolutely horrific - and this wasn't - everyone else should take it gracefully and not make it about them.

It's also ridiculous your cousin wanted to pay for her partner to go, they probably barely know him.

I would send them a card like others suggested and say you regret any miscommunication and welcome your SIL to the family.

[Cryalot2]

Ok when I got married all siblings were on the wedding . They cried to mum who drove me insane.
I was not invited to 2 of siblings weddings. I was annoyed at one as another sibling was.
I have not really met my last bil .
Weddings can be a pain
Children do not need to be at functions especially if young.
Put all behind you and reach out .

[milveycrohn]

In my view, it is extremely rude and bad mannered not to include a sibling's spouse in the meal at restaurant, whatever the purpose of the meal. The DF obviously thought his contribution meant partners would be included.
However, it is also bad mannered and rude for the DF to have made a fuss and refused to go.
The real question now, is how to proceed. Does DF want a permanent rift; same with OP. If not, then go.