Brother’s Wedding

[VitaSackville]

I want to know if anyone else would be upset by this admittedly first world problem. Most friends agree with me but a couple who significantly know my brother as well don’t. I want unbiased opinions. My brother eloped last week.
A year ago my mother was cooking for our very small extended family something she does a couple of times a year. My brother WhatsApped asking me if I could arrange a babysitter. Was I unreasonable to ask why?
He hummed and haad and I began to worry he had something serious to discuss. He reassured me and asked about babysitter again when I said I couldn’t he suggested my husband stay at home. Again I was puzzled and refused. It was all a bit odd. Half an hour later he rings me and says he wants to announce his engagement. I totally admit that my first thought was how can a 9, 7 and 5 year old get in the way of an engagement announcement and to my regret didn’t congratulate him. Anyway he actually tells family by ringing them all before meal to which sister-in-law does not turn up. My husband overheard brother telling cousin that they had wanted to hijack mother’s meal to make a thing of it but Vita wouldn’t play ball. They wanted to marry before she moved to another part of country for a year.
We love sister-in-law she transformed brother’s life. When we see her she is the life and soul of the party. They are both studying for a top profession and are broke. Dad gave them £5,000 as a contribution to wedding.
We went on holiday and my cousin rings up to say she was invited to wedding but her fiancé wasn’t. Did I think she could offer to pay for him? We returned home and it turns out my husband and children weren’t invited either. I couldn’t believe it.
Mum and Dad intervened. Brother’s explanation was it was a quick wedding before they moved for sister-in-law’s training and they just wanted family and significantly a few friends and had a limited budget. Were we unreasonable to be upset? My dad said he wouldn’t go and they cancelled the wedding. I did not encourage Dad to do this. All through this brother was nice to me and didn’t blame me. My sister-in-law however made a barbed comment that in future she was going to run by any decision she made by my husband as clearly His feelings are more important than her’s.
Well they’re married now. I want advice about whether I could have behaved differently and how to move forward. My parents are devastated. My sister-in-law’s mother who we have never met returned the cheque but Dad won’t cash it.

I think your brother is the one in the wrong here.

None of this 'his wedding his way' shite.

Your dad gave him 5000 for the wedding and he went on holiday instead. Cheeky fucker.

He then doesn't invite his BIL and nieces and nephews to his wedding. Double cheeky fucker.

Your dad has every right to be annoyed at this and so do you. He has behaved shockingly.

I feel so sorry for your mum. I know I would be gutted to miss my childs wedding.

It's a shame all round really.

@NewNameIsNew
The difference between this and your scenario is that your brother didn’t try to dictate who could or couldn’t attend a family meal he wasn’t organising or contributing to and which was at someone else’s house. Furthermore he didn’t expect you to organise and pay for a baby sitter.

@VitaSackville
Your brother and sil have behaved very badly imo. When they have children it will be interesting to see how they are with them. I have read the posts saying the exact opposite. Much as I can totally see that POV I don’t agree.

Yes, it is up to them to invite who they want and do things how they want. However, the way in which they’ve done it is appalling. They should have invited adults only to their house for the engagement announcement. They should have talked to you and your cousin personally about not inviting your partners. As for inviting friends instead of your long term partners and children, hopefully when they’ve matured they will realise the importance of family.

But firstly they should have talked to your parents before spending the 5k so that they understood what their vision was. It was so rude to spend the money on relocation and a holiday then claim they could not afford to invite certain family members.... especially as mummy in law is wealthy and sent a £5k cheque, this sounds like pure fiction.

All that said, all that you can do to mend this is congratulate them, move on and make a mental note of their values for the future. They obviously think the world revolves around them.

I think your brother was in the wrong (and completely OTT) about the engagement announcement.

I also think he was out of line not to invite your DH at the very least to the wedding. But then I'm Irish and we seem to have a different take on weddings. Not inviting a BIL or SIL would be absolutely unheard of and would definitely cause ructions, and I think many parents would refuse to attend in that scenario.

He and his wife were not unreasonable in the slightest to elope.

I think you should all let the dust settle and get over it a bit. Much as I do think some of his behaviour was out of line, I think the drama has all been ramped up. Hopefully a bit of time will help you all move on. And maybe learn from it.

Some really weird points of view on here.

Your 'D'B and new SIL are the ones who have behaved like arseholes IMO. To exclude your BIL and nieces and nephews (whom you have always apparently got on with) from your wedding, whilst both inviting friends and happily accepting family money as a contribution to the wedding is selfish and rude behaviour. Your dad should cash the cheque I think.

The B was weird and secretive when he asked the OP to get a babysitter before the family meal, with no explanation. I think the OP just forgot to congratulate him when he eventually told her, as she was no doubt confused by her B's strange behaviour. It was not a deliberate refusal to congratulate.

I can't help wondering why the OP is getting it in the neck here, when in a recent thread about a very similar situation (about an auntie and her family not invited to a nephew's wedding, who she had thought she was very close to) the OP was very strongly supported throughout the thread. Think the thread was entitled 'Four groomsmen of the Apocalypse' or similar and it ran for ages. And that was an auntie, not a sister!

So what is going on here then? Weddings are about families, not just the precious couple. Especially when family money has been accepted.

You made their engagement and wedding about you and dragged your dad onto your side.

You were being unreasonable.

@Pemba
That was a big wedding and it was ten grooms. But yes, I agree with you anyway.

I think the cheque being 'returned' through your brother's new MiL is quite passive aggressive. The money was given to your brother and should have been returned by your brother.

If he didn't have all the money left in his account, then the new MiL could have discreetly topped it up if she wanted to help.

But using the return of the money to make your dad feel crap isn't very classy. It's manipulative and hard to move on from - as intended.

Your brother and his wife must have felt really hurt for this to have happened, though.

there are some really odd responses here - but if nothing else that shows just how different we all are - so no wonder you have friends with different opinions .

As far as I can see your brother and his fiancée decided to leave your husband out of their wedding . That wedding elevated the fiancée to have the same status as your husband within the family . I can understand why you were hurt and I can understand why your dad got upset. They made a choice to spend the wedding budget on friends and wedding fluff over close family members being included. Doesn’t excuse how it all played out .

This sadly says more about your brother and perhaps more about his new wife , than any of the rest of you. My gut feeling is that she’s not as nice as you thought she was .

I think all you can do is explain to your brother why you felt as you did , and tell him you are willing to move forward if they both are , but I think you need to be realistic about what you are likely to achieve . He is being influenced by his new wife and her family. I would treat them both cautiously going forward .

The announcement was weird, you could understand if he didn't want to raise the kids' expectations but if that was the case he should've thought of another way of telling you all. If my DSis got on like he did and asked me to leave the kids at home rather than bring them to a regular family event I would also be like "wtf are you on about, why?!". Most people would!

As for the wedding itself I can understand wanting a small do of the type they intended. It sounds nice. I could even get over children not being invited to as that's clearly an adult event. But it's bizarre not inviting your only sibling's husband- unless there's been some sort of fall out or you don't get on, it's just the height of rudeness and I too would be really, really hurt by that. I think it was reasonable of your dad to say that that wasn't on, but the ultimatum didn't help matters.

I would send a card and a gift, but the fact that they would rather reorganise a whole wedding rather than find a seat for your DH to avoid upsetting your DDad, DMum and DSis just shows where you guys are on his list of priorities.

Also when someone gives you a monetary gift to specifically put towards something, like a wedding, it says a lot about your attitude to money when you then go and spunk it on other stuff. If they didn't want the funds for a wedding then they should have handed it back the moment they realised it wasn't going on that. If I were him I would be mortified that my new MIL thought it necessary to buy me out of an awkward situation so early in my marriage.

Children are absolute attention leeches. I don't find it the least bit unreasonable that your DB and DSIL wanted to announce their engagement without the risk of their moment being ruined by little people needing to remain the centre of attention.

You don't comment on how they usually behave but it would be even worse if they are little shits.

Obviously your dad was a bit of a dick and I have great respect for your DB and DSIL not putting up with any shit from your family.

It's fine to want to announce your engagement without children present if that's important to you. But you can't un invite them from a family event that you are not hosting or paying for and expect the OP to pay for a babysitter or leave her husband at home. The OP's parents invited her, her DH and children to a meal and it's pretty rude for a third party to alter that.
There's also some irony to the brother attempting to alter the family's plans but getting annoyed that the family tried to alter his!

I think people should just accept others' choices regarding their own weddings. No one has the right to dictate who's there and who isn't except for the bride and groom.

OP if I were you I'd contact your brother and SIL and apologise for overreacting, explaining that you'd found it hurtful that your husband wasn't invited.

It might have been a less than ideal scenario, but it's not worth allowing your relationship to completely disintegrate over one day.

@AutumnCrow
Your post is spot on. This is exactly how I felt when op said the mil had “returned” the money. I can imagine ops ddad feels incensed she intervened in this way.

They just wanted a handful of family, no in laws and friends and a quick, non formal wedding. You over reacted

OP never said brother went on holiday. Op said that her family went on holiday at which time the cousin called OP saying her dh wasnt invited. It wasnt until OP got home fro.mthe holiday that she was notified that ber dh and kids werent invited. How does that make Brother a cheeky fucker

You made their engagement and wedding about you and dragged your dad onto your side

You totally pissed on his fireworks. YABVU

Leaannb - from the OP at 13.05

My brother cashed the cheque and spent it... on relocation, a holiday and the rest was going towards initial wedding.

Everyone behaved pretty badly in sone respects.

Your brother and SIL should have arranged a seperate meal to share their news. I suspect they didn't want the kids there as they knew only a few were invited and wanted to avoid questions, the same reason your db said could your husband watch the kids. To avoid revealing they weren't invited. Poor timing on their part as the meal was already arranged for family and poor to be annoyed you couldnt rejig your plans for theirs. Poor response on yours not congratulating.

Yanbu to be upset your dp wasnt invited however you should have let it go for your db sake. It sounds like your family all took umbridge there and got het up on uour behalfs.

How did they intervene? Im suspecting they bought up the money your dad gave. So I'm not surprised he got a check back and they eloped, though the cheque should have cone from them not inlaws. Does your brother know about it?

My parents tried to give money with guest conditions, i refused. It's very controlling.

They spent the money on a holiday (honeymoon), their wedding and relocating. The latter of which sounds most expensive. Not my choice or priority but it should have been a freely given gift. Not one with stipulations.

They eloped to save any more fuss. Fair enough.

Obviously your SIL is pissed off, while your db is burying his head and pretending nothing happened- not healthy but nothing to do with you to worry on that's their relationship.

I would talk to your db, yanbu to be upset but a lot of this sounds like all your faults and needs to be out in the open. I would also consider that your parents/other family may have said things to your brother that you aren't aware of. You seem to think your dad would never give money with stipulations yet you may be surprised. My siblings were when they heard.

Hijack your mums dinner? They had good news to share and wanted to do it at a time and place with all the family, why yous such a hostile word as hijack
It is a hijack because the brother asked that some of the family members invited to the pre-arranged dinner now don’t come because he wants to make his announcement.

That should have been holiday (honeymoon?)

I think it was actually really kind and thoughtful of the brother not to want to announce his engagement in front of his nieces/nephews, when he knew he was not going to invite them to his wedding. Many people would not have been so considerate of their feelings.

However, I am always surprised when people get so upset over other people's weddings. Everyone can decide what wedding they want, people can accept or refuse the invitation, and life goes on. The wedding is over now, so why continue to make it so important and upsetting to you all. Cannot you all move on...the brother continues to be normal, so why not the rest of the family too?

Christ on a bike, if I was in their shoes, I'd bloody elope, too. It's their wedding and entirely up to them who they invite. I think OP's been a bit shitty about it and her DF tried to "bribe" them to have a different sort of wedding from the one they wanted.

However, DB should have paid the money back to DF imo or, better still, not have accepted it in the first place if it came with strings attached.

Oh come on, if I cooked for and organised a traditional family dinner and one of my adult DC told the other one not to bring my grandchildren who had been invited by me and catered for I'd be pretty bloody pissed off at the cheek of it.

@LucilleBluth has it spot on

*Op, you posted in the wrong place. MN nearly always gives the opposite opinion of the man on the street.

Your brother and SIL are odd. Why get a babysitter for the engagement thing, I don't know.

Taking money and not inviting your DH is also not what people do.

The OP wasn't in any way hard to understand*

I'd also add that I agree the best thing to do.is be happy for them and move on. I can understand your mum being a bit upset but she should try to be happy for them.

I’d also be pissed off I had 2 adult dcs and if one of them told the other not to bring their kids. Some of these posts make me wonder if the posters cannot imagine being grandparents.... or parents of adult children.