To never share finances again?

[Grobagsforever]

I'm widowed and own my house, where I live with my two primary age DC. After 5 years on my own (bar one rather odd relationship) I'm in a happy relationship. When discussing the future (in abstract terms) on a recent holiday I told BF I would be very unlikely to consider living in a jointly owned property ever and intended to retain sole ownership of mine, as it is my children's home.

He's sort of ok with that but I think disappointed that there is no chance of us ever making a joint home together. I might in the future be willing to let him move in and he could retain an investment property elsewhere. I would also never marry for similar reasons but he's ok with that.

My friends think I am uncompromising and inflexible. I think I'm sensible. But it's a lot to ask someone to never own the home the live in.

No issues around anyone wanting to take advantage financially, both good jobs etc. I just couldn't imagine how awful it would be splitting up and then potentially having to sell a house etc...

I'm the same Grobagsforever and there's nothing wrong with feeling this way!!! I got divorced four years ago, shortly to be free of the Terms of the financial settlement (very generous on his behalf but some would say controlling ) and have no intention of ever living with someone again except for my 3 adult children until they get their own houses and families. Although ex and I shared expenses when we were married, we never had a joint bank account - he paid mortgage, bills, car stuff, I paid food, kids clothes, presents, Christmas etc. It worked perfectly for 20 years. Fortunately for me, my current boyfriend (of 2.5 years) has also just finished 'paying off' his ex-wife and also feels the same and is revelling in buying his new house and contents without having to consider someone else's opinion! Its done him the world of good.

Whether we will feel the same if we are together in 10 years time we don't know

I've just come out of a 6 year relationship. We only had a joint account but the issues arising from just that has made me very sure that I am not doing it again. You're not being unreasonable. Quite the opposite actually

Agreed. Also own my home outright. I have worked really very hard to get from nothing to something following my divorce and there is no way on earth I will tolerate losing any of it. As you say, it is about the children more than anything. I am very clear I will never marry again.

There are legal ways of protecting your investment, however, if you were to buy together or get to a make or break point and you want to investigate options.

I think your friends are naive and judgemental. You sound sensible to me.

Like it or not, all relationships are transient.

I think you are right

Nope I think your friends are naive and misunderstand exactly how hard you've worked for everything you have, and how much your security and stability mean to you.

What other people would tolerate is their business; you have your bar set high and that's fine.

I'd be exactly the same if I had a boyfriend. Own my own house, it will eventually become my DC's inheritance, no way would I put that (and the financial security of knowing I have somewhere to live when I retire) at risk.

Thanks for the views. I think outside Mumsnet ppl tend to live in more of a romantic bubble. I worry I may end up alone due my inflexibility but the kids security is too important.

Yanbu. I would be doing exactly the same if I would be in your position. My dh has set up myself and DC financially and no way would I be jeopardizing any of that.

I'd say you are very sensible tbh.

Exactly that. You and your DC security is the most important. Way more important than putting it at any risk for a relationship. Sorry for your loss

Yanbu. I'm a lone parent would never share finances.

I could have written this post myself. I'm five years free of an abusive marriage and still untangling myself financially. Have an 8 year old DD. In a newish relationship and have had to broach this subject recently with him: I basically said hell would freeze over before I would get a joint mortgage again. I'm pretty loathe even to consider cohabiting again.

He's lovely and so far has been extremely honourable and respectful: as far I can tell now I have no reason not to trust him but I just am not prepared to compromise on anything financial and I won't risk anything which would jeopardise my DD's future. Also the thought of having to negotiate financially with someone all the time makes me nauseous. I earn more than he does and he's very sensible with money (which is a good thing), but I don't want to have to cut my own cloth and that of my DD's to fit his IYSWIM.

I think its interesting that so many of us have grown up with a template from our childhoods that the man will always be the higher earner. Now that's less likely to be the case in a relationship the rules have changed. Historically it tended to be that men were reluctant to cohabit, settle down and get married because they knew they had more to lose than women financially. Nowadays increasingly the boot is on the other foot. I hear more and more stories of men putting pressure on women to settle down and the women pushing back because they hold all the cards and have more to lose.

YANBU. I wish I’d never shared finances with my ex, and had retained my old house for my own security. I now have my financial independence back and once again own my own (mortgaged) house. Wouldn’t surrender the position again.

Your friends are in a different situation to you so what works for you to ensure your children get the full benefit of their father's assets, isn't relevant to them.

I feel the same. This is my house and I'm not sharing it with anyone. There will never be another man for me anyway but I sure as hell am not putting myself in the vulnerable position of risking its loss.

I accept that it would have to be sold to pay for my care in the future. In the meantime I'm hanging onto it.

You are absolutely doing the right thing 100%. It's ok to have romantic notions of marriage if you're young and want to have kids with someone but after divorce or being widowed when you have children is a totally different ball game.
I married who I thought was the love of my life (2nd husband) when I was totally secure and about to pay of my mortgage, 20 years later he turned out to be a right twat and has gone off with thousands of my money in divorce settlement leaving me in debt and having to sell my home and considerably downsize.
My new mortgage will not be paid off until I'm 70.
I'd much rather have given that money to my son. Looking back it was absurd having romantic notions at 38 and I should have used my head and not my heart.
So I've still got a nice home and a pension but so much less than I ought to have and that I've worked my whole life for.

I think it sounds very sensible. I would do the same. I'd prefer to live on my own and have a long term 'boyfriend'. (Stupid term?) I don't understand why more people don't do it TBH. As long as you are upfront about what you want then I can't see anything wrong with it at all.

You can always change you mind at a later date.

Some people need a partner with them all the time and some don't.

Any of my friends in second relationships are very aware of the implications for their offspring's inheritance. None of them would live with someone unless the ownership of everything was very clearly laid out.

I agree with you. It sounds very, very wise and sensible - you can never fully trust anyone, and after working so hard to afford your own property, only to have half taken away essentially in the event of a divorce/separation, it's horrible.

It's ok to have romantic notions of marriage if you're young and want to have kids with someone but after divorce or being widowed when you have children is a totally different ball game

^^This.

I agree you sound very sensible. As sole parent you have more responsibility than your friends do. I wouldn't be too happy with it if I was in your partner's position but I wouldn't consider anything else if I was in yours.

Another single mum agreeing with you. I can't see myself with anyone else for a long time yet, but l don't intend to give up what l have.

Minimum would be that we put equal amounts towards another property... but if he couldn't then it would be a no deal

YANBU.
I was in a similar situation.
Own a property ,re-married told N H the property is my childrens inheritance no-one elses.
NH was totally fine about it.
He has a large family so if I died before H his children would inherit the property and that is not going to happen.
Again NH was in agreement.
You are totally doing the right thing.
Good luck for the future.

Was a lone parent for 6 years previous to meeting my now dh 20 years ago.

Had my own place,finances,good career etc etc.

He moved into mine while his sold and we then put 50 50 each into the house we still live in now.

More children came along but finances have always been split 50 50.

We have a joint acc for household bills and fuel food etc etc ,a joint savings for emergencies and holidays Xmas etc and seperate accs with whatever we each have left to do with what we want.
We also have individual savings.

Anything else like uniforms for dc shoes etc etc we pay half each for.

It's always been this way and always will be as I believe every person male or female should be financially independent.

Call me cynical if you like but after being a lone parent and the only person to be responsible etc and having years to get straight again if anything happened like divorce etc I know I've got mine and my dc back covered financially.

Might not sound romantic but it certainly is practical.
Dh has always respected my reasons as to why I like it this way as it was set out from day one.

I've seen and still see too many friends of mine in the financial shit because their partners have control of the money and what gets spent.

Friends who's dhs spend whatever they like and month after month friends have nothing for themselves or are scraping around for stuff.

Financial security as an individual is sensible op

I can see in your position why you would want to do that as if I don’t think I’d want to risk destabilising children if you split them had to sell etc. If owning a home was important to your boyfriend he could always buy one and rent it out.
I think a lot of people need to buy together to be able to afford the house the size they need but if you don’t need that then there’s not the motivation.