To never share finances again?

[Grobagsforever]

I'm widowed and own my house, where I live with my two primary age DC. After 5 years on my own (bar one rather odd relationship) I'm in a happy relationship. When discussing the future (in abstract terms) on a recent holiday I told BF I would be very unlikely to consider living in a jointly owned property ever and intended to retain sole ownership of mine, as it is my children's home.

He's sort of ok with that but I think disappointed that there is no chance of us ever making a joint home together. I might in the future be willing to let him move in and he could retain an investment property elsewhere. I would also never marry for similar reasons but he's ok with that.

My friends think I am uncompromising and inflexible. I think I'm sensible. But it's a lot to ask someone to never own the home the live in.

No issues around anyone wanting to take advantage financially, both good jobs etc. I just couldn't imagine how awful it would be splitting up and then potentially having to sell a house etc...

You are quite right. Just divorced and I will never ever make that mistake again! I’ve worked extremely hard and have just had to hand over a large chunk of my life savings. My kids totally depend on me and I could never risk this happening again.

Marriage is a bad deal - and be extremely careful about cohabitation! I know of someone who allowed a man to live in her house (she paid all costs) and now he is trying to take it off her. Relationships are not worth it.

Very wise. My ex got almost 60% on the divorce (I earn more) but at least Igot a clean break (I don't have to pay him maintenance). I would not risk the children's inheritance or my house again and it's quite nice not living with a man anyway after 20 years of doing so!

I have the best example of this. My grandparents have split up when my mother was 18. They had continued to have an amazing relationship but this is another story. My GF never remarried but had a partner for almost 20 years (she unfortunately died to cancer). They never shared finances. They paid 50/50 for common expenses, she also kept her property while she was living with my GF and tbh their relationship was really great. It never was a problem.

I believe it can definitely work like this.

@xenia is always so wise!

I think you are being both inflexible and sensible. Of course you need to secure your children's future but he wouldn't be unreasonable to leave if other things such as marriage meant more to him. I suppose it depends how much he is willing to compromise within the restraints and boundaries you have set. I think the fair thing to do would be to lay these boundaries out very clearly to him and let him decide.

Im in the same boat...i own my own house and my partner owns his....i will move into his and sell mine and buy a little property to rent out to give me an investment and income....he will not add me to his deeds and im absolutely fine with that....my money and property will go to my kids and his will go to his....i will contribute to bills and food shopping but the house will be his.

Putting your children's financial security central in any relationship decision you make is extremely wise.

I agree with you, but might consider marriage later in life when dc not living at home in order that he can retain a roof over his head if you die first. Or other arrangement.

Yanbu - very wise actually!

Sorry for your loss

I'm always surprised to read on here how many women have joint accounts with their partners and tout separate accounts as being somehow anti family.

My DH and I have always had separate accounts and that will never change. I don't have any romantic notion about what happens during a divorce and having been led up the financial misuse path with an ex I will always keep our finances separate.

You're very wise OP and I wish my SIL had the same approach as you!

Whilst I own a house with my husband I have always maintained a separate savings account. He has no idea how much I have in savings. He earns twice as much but is terrible at saving money.

I'm the same, although I rent and my children are adults. My bf knows that I have no intention of living with someone again and he's cool with it and understands why.

We have a joint account for bills/family spending but separate accounts our salaries go into which remain private. Not from a secrecy point of view but neither one of us is interested or has a need to know.

YANBU to keep it all separate in a second relationship where both of you have existing families and responsibilities. You're quite right that splitting another home/finances would be dreadful the older you get. If everything else is working it just makes sense.

It’s interesting that people think having separate bank accounts and secret savings will help them. The system is totally remorseless. Once you are married none of it is yours alone. Never, ever marry!! OP is extremely wise.

You’re very sensible indeed, OP. In your shoes, I’d do the same thing.

Notbeingrobbed is right. Your ‘own’ savings, if married, will automatically become part of any divorce settlement. Just because they are in your name does not mean the contents automatically become yours at divorce. I believe, but am not sure, that debts are dealt with similarly.

I don't think those with secret savings are doing it to dodge the 'system'.

I think they're more for access to money for independent purchases and choices so they don't have to be dependent on the yay or nay of their spouse or in a desperate situation, an escape fund, no? That's how I interpreted it.

I'm 15 year plus married. We never have joint anything. Everything in the house is in my name and dh gives me an agreed percentage of wages each month. If we split of course he is entitled to half the house. Everything else is separate BUT we have complete transparency. He can see my bank statements and me his. We have spread sheet for all Bill's which we both have access to

Only half of your “escape fund” is yours! Remember that. All the time you are married you can keep whatever you want in your own name. It does give the impression it’s yours, doesn’t it!? However on divorce you will have it taken off you.

If this were a reverse and a man said the same, he would be absolutely slaughtered on this forum and called financially abusive. The woman would be told to keep a record of every single penny she ever spent. She would be told he wasn't investing in her emotionally, that she has no protection in the event of a split up, that she has no recourse to his assets and she should never ever have children and be a SAHP and become reliant on him.

This forum is very two faced and biased

Who needs a relationship anyway. What is the point? One person stealing from the other. No thanks!!

What don't you understand? The escape fund is to go immediately to be spent BEFORE the divorce proceedings.

You took the words out of my mouth @brassbrass. Every penny would be spent.

@IAskTooManyQuestions biology is sexist, isn’t it? As I see it the original purpose of divorce laws was to protect a woman and her children from being left destitute. The children are the key. A woman, however high flying, will take maternity leave and almost certainly make career sacrifices for the sake of her children. Men seldom do. Also women are in the vast majority of cases left holding the baby. The idea that marriage “protects” (the notion my parents’ generation clung to) is based on the idea that children are prioritised.

Now the law has been twisted. In my case I am female, I made career sacrifices but was still the higher earner because I work hard and have talent. I am left to support two children. My ex has walked off with more than half of joint assets. He only has to support his alcoholism and hookers. I don’t consider that justice.

OP, I had an engagement break up over this. At 49, having saved hard, I wanted to keep control of my assets. He didn't get it.