To never share finances again?

[Grobagsforever]

I'm widowed and own my house, where I live with my two primary age DC. After 5 years on my own (bar one rather odd relationship) I'm in a happy relationship. When discussing the future (in abstract terms) on a recent holiday I told BF I would be very unlikely to consider living in a jointly owned property ever and intended to retain sole ownership of mine, as it is my children's home.

He's sort of ok with that but I think disappointed that there is no chance of us ever making a joint home together. I might in the future be willing to let him move in and he could retain an investment property elsewhere. I would also never marry for similar reasons but he's ok with that.

My friends think I am uncompromising and inflexible. I think I'm sensible. But it's a lot to ask someone to never own the home the live in.

No issues around anyone wanting to take advantage financially, both good jobs etc. I just couldn't imagine how awful it would be splitting up and then potentially having to sell a house etc...

@Alsohuman all bank statements for the previous year have to be proceeded in divorce proceedings. You can’t hide cash and if you have spent it he will be wanting half of that.

I think that a lot of women find out the hard way that joint finances is a minefield. I got totally burned by my first husband who ruined my finances (I have always earned and been cautious with money). He lied, stole from me, and forged documents. Never, never, never again.

If you can remain financially independent in every possible way, it's a great way to live.

OP, I had an engagement break up over this. At 49, having saved hard, I wanted to keep control of my assets. He didn't get it

I think some people have such a Disney-view of relationships that they just cannot fathom that it's actually ok to remain financially independant. As long as both parties are clear from the outset, it;s a wise way to live.

I think you’re very sensible.

Another single mum agreeing with all of this.

NotBeingRobbed Damn right that wasn't justice!!

Ideally I'd like to have a new partner who I'll grow old with, but you certainly see things differently after experiencing a divorce.

I'm in a secure financial position and want all of my assets to pass to my dc so I probably won't marry again.

If I met a man in a similar financial position to me, we could sell our houses and buy a bigger one (which would be lovely... am imagining separate bedrooms and bathrooms though, have lived alone too long to share those again ) but I'd make sure both our contributions remained in our own names.

I think/hope most men of my age would be happy with that

I agree with this, too. One of my neighbours had a horrible husband and a nasty divorce about ten years ago. She has daughters in their early twenties who live at home. She's just remarried and he's moved into her house - there have been so many red flags with that guy and yelling and screaming (his voice only.) Terrifying.

I think the overall position is that it's the right thing to do if your a woman especially anim, it is selfish and non committal if your a man with children.

In the end, it all comes down to how he feels about it. I made it clear to my OH that I was looking for full commitment when we got serious. He had a bit more to lose initially, I would have more to lose longer term. I just wanted a commited relationship, not a boyfriend. If he had disagree, I would have ultimately left.

Sounds very sensible, and it doesn't mean you can't live together if that's what you both want. He can live in your house, and buy his own if he wants/can. You could rent a place together and rent out your own place/s. If finances allow in future you could buy another house together, and keep your own as an investment.

I think it all depends upon what you are bringing to a relationship. dH and I share everything, all joint accounts. At various points in our thirty years together either on of us has earned more. He now earns 3X what I do,

The thing is, as twenty year olds neither of us had anything. We got our first house at 22 with a shared 5% deposit and no possessions. The rest we have built together and had children together.

If however I was going into a relationship with a home and money and assets then no way would I share it.

@IAskTooManyQuestions hardly financially abusive! He'd get a 'free' place to live (well not free, he'd pay a low rent to go towards upkeep etc, clearly labelled as 'rent' and get to maintain his own investment property. Financially both sides would benefit. Men often get called financially abusive in these cases as a female partner moves in and does all the childcare etc. That wouldn't happen-we both work full time.

Goodness no, I think you're absolutely right.
Yes to letting him move in some day maybe, and contributing towards household bills.

you need to secure your children's future but he wouldn't be unreasonable to leave if other things such as marriage meant more to him

^^ This happened to me. But how can marriage mean more to you than the person? I just can't get my head around it. Maybe I'm just weird.

@nearlynermal he's not bothered about marriage thankfully. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'll never understand it, I personally find marriage bizarre, only did it first time round as DH was terminally ill and we didn't have time to do proper wills etc. Also he couldn't have been on DD2's birth certificate otherwise

Same here... HAVE never and would never have joint finances... always sounded crazy to me... as long as both psrties are happy/contributing/making decisions at a mutually agreed level etc etc...

What my friend did worked well, married in late 50s

He kept his property and rented it out. Left in will to his children from 1st marriage (widower)

She sold her property and use part of it to buy a smaller house in her name which was rented out. Part of the cash she gave to her son. Again left to her only child in the will- in her name only.

They then bought a joint property together. They put equal deposit in and it had a mortgage that was more than covered by the rental incomes on their own properties. They paid 50% of everything each.

They each had a lifetime interest in that house (so could live in it until death). Then it was then to be a 50/50 split with half to his children and half to her child.

It does depend on what you're contributing to a relationship.

There are times when I haven't been able to work as we moved to progress DH's career. At one point we migrated and I couldn't even do voluntary work. As my 'career' has been hugely damaged to further DH's I feel that we should (and do) share all money. If somehow I suddenly earn loads I would share back in return.

But if I were starting a new relationship now, I would expect anything I have before the relationship to be separate from any future sharing together.

I think if you have kids/are raising them and not working etc makes a huge difference.

In OP's case I would want a way to protect existing money, but might consider sharing a home & living costs with a future partner.

The only way I would ever get married is if prenups became law here.

Wills aren’t enough. The other person can change their will at anytime

I wouldn't say never ever but also I would never give them hope it "might" happen either.

I certainly wouldn't do anything without legal advice and making sure I (and asserts) were properly protected

I think you are sensible.

I've never subscribed to the MN mantra that all money should be joint. I don't really like joint accounts either as they can open you up to control and scrutiny by the other person.

I am not a fan of totally shared finances even though I know how things are considered in divorce cases.

Protect your kids. You're doing the right thing.

Good decisions OP. Nobody, however much he may care for you, will ever look out for you and your family like you do.

Self preservation all the way, you are definitely not being unreasonable.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing.

People that leap into second marriages or joint property ownership, leaving their own DC’s vulnerable when it comes to inheritance, need their heads examining.

If he’s not ok with this, you have your answer.

I think you sound sensible.

You may actually change your mind a few years down the line and decide that you are comfortable sharing finances with your partner, but presumably this would only happen if something changes your situation or your general outlook. Chances are that you will never change your mind. And that's fine. You have kids to think about it, that changes everything. Usually when a couple are talking about buying a home together and merging finances it happens before they have DC. I think for a lot of people who already have DC from a previous relationship they would not want to merge finances with a new partner. You aren't being inflexible, you're just being sensible. And you've been upfront with him about it. What else can he really expect?

Also, you could potentially buy a new home together in the future, and you keep the one you're in now and rent it out. There are always other options that don't involve you just giving him half of what was yours before you met, especially if you don't plan on getting married.

All I say is it’s up to you and things are different when you are A) Divorced and B) Bought the house before getting with the next partner. I fall into the ‘divorced’ category but bought the house with my new husband. Due to this, I am perfectly happy that our house is owned as tenants in common so we can leave what we want to who we want. This suits us and may or may not suit others. Great that there are choices to suit different situations.