To ask those of you who know an adult with high functioning ASD

[Tobythecat]

What are their lives like? Can they work, drive? Do they have a relationship? Do they live alone? If they don't work, what do they do? As someone with ASD i'm curious.

I know two people with ASD, both women. One can't work a paid job but volunteers once a week. Lives in a flat with her boyfriend, no kids. Can't drive. Has a somewhat active social life/goes to groups etc.
The other woman is married, two kids (both have asd). Doesn't work but has in the past, done a lot of studying and has two masters degrees. Can drive. Has a somewhat active social life.

Then there's me. Never had a job, can't drive, no kids, never had a relationship, have a degree and live alone. Have one or two friends and don't get out that much.

My Dad joked that they had a massive shock when I was born. They had my placid brother and then they had me. He said I was really hard work. He said that if I'd have come first, they wouldn't have had another. Lots of tantrums. A very difficult baby. Said he was left alone with me for 3 hours and it took him that long to feed me one bottle!

I also had sensory difficulties. Struggled with wearing socks and tights because if the feeling.

Lots of tantrums throughout childhood.

Attempted to be perfect at school, once I'd settled in. Never put a foot wrong. Brightest child in the class.

So many things I remember from childhood that tick the box.

I man I know who has Aspergers is an anaesthetist, brilliant at his job but terrible at relationships. His marriage is on the rocks and he has no friends - he won’t / can’t make the effort in any kind of relationship.

Getting flashbacks here...just remembered more sensory difficulties. Jumpers always itched! Hated polo necks because it made me feel like I couldn't breathe!

My husband has Aspergers (not diagnosed until his 20s - he's 41 now). We didn't meet until he was 31 and I know he had a tough time as a kid as he didn't understand the world / social stuff and didn't like himself very much (controlling parents didn't help but that's a whole other thread).

He told me on our second date and tbh I wouldn't have clocked it otherwise as he's VERY good at managing it (most of the time). We've been together 10 years married for 5 and he's got a very good job (earning twice what I do), drives, has friends etc. We're also approved as adopters and waiting for a match and he got through the approval process with flying colours (he was v worried about this).

I think comparing yourself to others can sometimes be a helpful guide but more often than not it really isn't healthy! My DH is constantly comparing, thinking he isn't good enough etc when he's an amazing lovely person. I'm neurotypical so completely appreciate that I can't fully 'get it' but I'd love it if he loved himself a bit more.

My DP is high functioning Aspergers, has a Masters degree, socially awkward and incredibly funny. His DS is autistic with developmental delays and learning disabilities but has a photographic memory.

I'm presently a PhD student but worked full-time for years before I went to university - despite being told that I wouldn't be able to keep a job because I hated school so much that my attendance was terrible - work attendance was fine! First/Distinction in my previous degrees. I currently live with relatives but have lived alone before. As I don't really socialise often (online friendships are easier for me) I find that living with family stops me from becoming completely isolated, so I prefer it. Never had a romantic relationship and haven't been interested in pursuing one. I can't drive, but that's a combination of both ASD perceptual difficulties, and an unrelated physical disability. I'm passionate about my academic work and have hobbies and special interests that I spend most of my spare time on. I know my life isn't typical, but it's much better than what I thought it would be when I was younger, and I'm happy with how I am.

jan I do completely agree regarding your points about people armchair diagnosing what are nothing but personality traits or quirks as a sign of autism because they appear at first glance to be similar to some autistic people. And I do understand where you’re coming from with your frustration.

However I don’t think it’s always so clear cut. Eg I get the impression living doesn’t have an adhd dx. But wants to talk about it as though it’s a negative thing. As someone with a dx, who wouldn’t want to get rid of it and very much sees it as a positive, I don’t find that at all offensive because it’s not offered as an opinion on how adhd must be for me or anyone else. Same as someone with a dx doesn’t have to share my experience.

Although I do agree if you mean people talking in absolutes and making umbrella statements for everyone. Or how you feel about nt people saying the asd equivalent of ‘I’m disorganised and always late, how do I get a dx of adhd, it’s ruining my life blah blah’.

living sorry if the above appears to be doubting you or denying your experiences, I don’t mean it to come across that way. Not least because ime with many females the autism appears to mask the adhd or vice versa, even when they’re both diagnosed. Let alone if one or both aren’t. I’m not autistic, but I can easily see that if I hadn’t had the H, and it was ADD, or if I’d not been down the dx route till adulthood, my basic personality traits would have made referral for assessment and/or dx difficult. So I’m certainly not criticising or judging you for talking about it when you don’t have a dx.

DH is high functioning ASD. He has a PhD and now works for himself which is where he's most comfortable. But he's constantly very stressed by all the interactions he needs to have with clients and I'm afraid he will end up burning out. He loves the kids but is very rigid and has huge problems being organised and actually sorting out their physical needs. He can literally fix anything and machines "speak to him". He doesn't sleep much or well. He has lots of obsessions. The only friends he has are from early childhood. He Is a sensory seeker and likes speed and adrenaline. In the evening I'll often find he has new cuts/bumps/bruises and he has no idea how or when because he focusses so hard on what he's doing. He's very clumsy. He's equally enraging and endearing. It just depends on the day.

Where's OP gone..

You mean he has ASD and dyspraxia? Because no-one can be Autism Spectrum disorder or dyspraxia. You can be autistic and dyspraxic, but a person cannot be ASD. Does it not bother the people who write it that way (and annoyingly that's a lot of people on MN) that you are literally calling the person their condition?
I really don't understand, why do people wrongly use ASD like that when autistic is more grammatically correct?

Yes of course that's what I meant. I would normally be just as uppity about people describing people as their disabilities/illness but slip of the fingers 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm gonna go with not even I'm perfect.

I use ASD because, like a lot of other things, acronyms are used extensively in my professional life. ASD being one of them. I hand write around 60 pages a day in my working hours, I'm not going to write 8 letters when I can write 3 to convey the same thing to a group of people who also understand the acronym.

As far as I can tell it's not caused an sizing level of trauma or confusion to anyone on the thread but deepest apologies for shortening and using incorrect grammar.

*dizzying rather than sizing!

@TrainspottingWelsh thank you so much for your kind words, you’re correct I’m not diagnosed with ADHD, I’ve got my referral but just waiting for assessment. Autism diagnosed in late twenties (I’m nearly 33 now).

And you’re right, I absolutely did not mean to generalise that everyone must suffer or feel disabled by autism (or the symptoms that I feel may be ADHD) - on the contrary I’m glad to read how you feel and I’m hopeful that one day I will feel like that. It’s just that currently, I am struggling in such a horrific way as my mask slips and my coping mechanisms fall apart, I feel that I am disabled by how I am.

And then I find the super inspirational posts, about all those amazing neurodivergent people who have made amazing inventions or been successful CEOs or changed the world or made great art or whatever and how they didn’t let it hold them back, make me so sad and - I am mortified to admit this - bitter. Because clearly, I AM letting it hold me back... does that make sense?! And then I feel even more of a failure because I should just be happy for these people instead of being a pathetic jealous mess. So I don’t like the positive generalisations either. I know it says a lot more about me than the people who post them though and it’s one of the many reasons I’m now scrimping to pay for an autism specialist (ex NHS psychologist) to do therapy with me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I want to be like those posting more positive things here.

Sorry for the rant again I really appreciate what you’ve said and I’m glad of this thread and the range of responses.

living you’re more than welcome and I’m glad you realised the way it was meant. And though I may not feel the same, I do understand where you’re coming from.

I do think you’re being too hard on yourself though. I can only speak for myself, and of course I don’t have autism complicating it. But I haven’t overcome anything, or learned to like it because I’ve not let it hold me back. It’s not anything to do with you being a failure, and me or anyone else somehow succeeding at something you are ‘failing’ at.

It’s more about luck and how it fits with the person I’d be without the adhd. It doesn’t really matter that I have no natural gift or interest in learning an instrument, so it didn’t and never will matter that I’d probably need a shit load of class A drugs to master happy birthday on a recorder. But if we lived in a world that demanded everyone be at least grade 6 on the flute, I’d be a bit screwed. I’m also pretty sure that if I didn’t have the luck to be able to learn/ take in most essential things that don’t interest me with minimal attention I wouldn’t have the concentration to give them more.

Organisation is I suppose the result of a coping method, but not something I can remember learning. I think it’s partly my basic personality and interests and partly that being physically organised provides a nice background to the distractions inside my head.

Even impulse control and my thrill seeking needs, by the time I’d realised they weren’t the norm and had negatives, I was already aware that for my interests, they were definitely a bonus.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that for me getting rid of a few negatives aren’t worth losing the many positives I take for granted. Rather than because I’ve actively changed the negative to positive. It’s far more inspirational to try and do something that doesn’t come easily.

Also, the irony is that I started replying nearly an hour ago and have repeatedly left it to do other (unnecessary) things!

Thank you again yes, I totally understand what you mean. I think I just need to untangle it all.
(In other news, my referral has been put through as urgent, as it is due to their error it was delayed/lost and my MH has deteriorated further in the meantime (of course this is part of the reason I am dwelling on the negatives). Pretty relieved about that!)

Best of luck with the referral, and although it’s not for a good reason, I’m glad it’s been speeded up