To ask those of you who know an adult with high functioning ASD

[Tobythecat]

What are their lives like? Can they work, drive? Do they have a relationship? Do they live alone? If they don't work, what do they do? As someone with ASD i'm curious.

I know two people with ASD, both women. One can't work a paid job but volunteers once a week. Lives in a flat with her boyfriend, no kids. Can't drive. Has a somewhat active social life/goes to groups etc.
The other woman is married, two kids (both have asd). Doesn't work but has in the past, done a lot of studying and has two masters degrees. Can drive. Has a somewhat active social life.

Then there's me. Never had a job, can't drive, no kids, never had a relationship, have a degree and live alone. Have one or two friends and don't get out that much.

In some aspects of my life I’m “high functioning” but in others not at all. I did manage to work but I ended up with CFS and fibromyalgia shortly after going full time and I feel like that was partly down to the stress of it. While I enjoyed it (library) I found it incredibly demanding socially, the unpredictability of working with the public, meeting demands from management, trying not to make a faux pas etc. I have tutored a bit since but anxiety really gets in the way as I’m so scared of not being good enough.

I’m happily married, and mum to three (older two diagnosed autistic). I do pretty well with the emotional parts of that, anyone involved in our family tells us we are great parents etc, secure attachment blah blah blah. I guess I understand them in a way many might not be able to.

Can’t drive. Absolutely horrific concentration skills, I’ve been referred for ADHD assessment.

Socially I’m ok now but mainly because I fell in with a crowd of other mums just like me (we all home educate our kids, it was like coming home when I started that - the school gate was horrifically daunting for me as well as the kids). I still find many things difficult and get paranoid etc.

Self care and running a home I’m just shit at, I don’t cope with stress and have multiple sensory issues, my mental health is shot to pieces at the moment as I’m burned out by life and its demands, and I go through phases of self harm to try and deal with my mess of a brain. Just started seeing an autism specialist for therapy as I can’t do it anymore.

I would definitely have been diagnosed with Aspergers or high functioning autism had the names not changed shortly before I was assessed in my late twenties. I fit that profile with the high intelligence etc, but for the most part, high functioning I am not. I can’t handle life at all even though to outsiders I can just about pass for neurotypical. I feel like a failure most of the time.

1. Works in a very specialised science field. Very successful career wise. Long term partner and children. Socialises with colleagues who share interests. Learned to drive in 40’s.

1. Has worked as a teacher but suffered mh problems that led her to give up full time work and work part time as a childminder. Married with kids. Has friends.

1. Divorced with kids. Has struggled with work. Academically successful but short term jobs, gets socially anxious and leaves. Postgrad qualified but never earned above minimum wage. Has a group of close friends, struggles with big groups. Also mh problems.

1. Full time student. Has friends, never had a romantic relationship. Has struggled with anxiety.

1. Works in academia. Highly successful. A few friends but not close. Not very social. Married with kids.

The one that springs to mind for me in my family is an extremely eminent academic - world-renowned in his scientific field, hugely in demand for research, professorships etc, has worked all over the world. He’s married with two adult kids and financially very well off. I’m not going to pretend he isn’t a slight oddball because he is, but he’s also entertaining company, quite a good raconteur etc. DP and I go for dinner with him and his wife on the rare occasions they’re in the UK. He’s basically an eccentric genius. He does have some foibles but I suspect they are less noticeable in his field where the incidence of ASD is almost certainly pretty high.

He doesn’t cope very well with emotional stuff (he was pretty rubbish when his parents died and his siblings did everything while he buried his head in the sand) and I think his wife kind of sacrificed her own career and stability pretty much just pandering to him and his constant travel etc - he isn’t the most empathetic man in the world in that way. But they’ve been married for decades and their kids and grandkids are lovely.

Sorry,

3, 4 and 5 can’t drive

My daughter. Drives, works, goes to uni, financial security- great with money.
One friend. No romantic interest in anyone. Masks well but needs a lot of time post work/uni to decompress

Oh and

1. Lives alone in a house his parents own. Doesn’t work. Has passed driving test but doesn’t drive. Not many friends, no partner.

1. Doesn’t work or drive. Married with child. Very anxious.

1. Has worked but now full time Carer for child with asd. Learned to drive late in life. Married with kids, both diagnosed asd. Has friends.

My partner.
Also has depression, can't cope with customer service roles. Worked in warehouses until he got a back injury. Now registered disabled. So he's a SAHP

Been in relationship for 13 years. Two kids. Small but close social circle. I work part time as his mobility issues mean I'm his carer (adapted property)

Gets obsessive about things. Have to drag him back into the real world occasionally when he's off on a flight of fancy. Useless with bills etc so I deal with household admin.

On plus side always available for school aged daughter. Lots more patience than me with that, enjoys housework so does 75% of that.

Terrible cook tho. Everything is beige so I tend to cook separately for myself. (DD at home will eat with whoever is cooking what she fancies)

I work with an entire company of “absent minded professor types.” All are obviously employed and actually highly successful. I’m not privy to individual diagnoses, but I feel comfortable saying that ASD is strongly represented in our workforce.

When my dd got her diagnosis, the psychologist was quick to point out that it might need to influence her career choice, but should not impact her more than any other personality trait might.

There are of course people at different points along the spectrum. my dd and my coworkers tend to fall into the extremely intelligent, but a bit quirky category.

Yep, me. I am married, I have a PhD, I have a full time job (I have never not had a full time job), I can drive and I enjoy it, I socialise but probably quite minimally! DH doesn't seem to mind it. Most of my failings are people based, and I am not amazingly coordinated either.

< waves >

Autistic woman here... technically labelled high functioning but tbh I hate that phrase as I feel it over states my abilities and understates my difficulties.

I'm academically able however finished school after GCSEs as I couldnt function in a school environment. Cannot problem solve in an academic way / maths is shocking but I excel in all job roles because I'm a fast learner.

Moved from job to job my whole working career because I tend to go in, do very well, get promoted and quickly lose interest. The jobs tend to vary wildly as they become my " special interest".

Married with numerous children who all have ASD. Relationships before DH were awful and dysfunctional...luckily DH persevered with me and been together over a decade.

Took forever to learn to drive. Found it too difficult to concentrate on how to physically move the car whilst also watching a road. Again I stuck it out and passed with only 1 minor and everyone says I'm a great driver but I do hate it!

Have limited friends because I find people exhausting. I am not ashamed to admit I'm rather disinterested in most other people so I'm not lonely. I have a small handful of friends that I actively enjoy spending time with.

Massive sensory issues that I can disguise mostly to blend in but it exhausts me to do so.

I hate small talk, eye contact, physical contact with strangers, am often described as abrupt, aloof or in work situations arrogant I'm not...im just very sure of myself and forget to do that neurotypical thing of filtering myself

My worst trait I would say is my bluntness...however I do try and consider what I'm saying because it may offend someone ( even if i don't really understand why)

Funnily enough when people find out a lot say " ah that makes sense "

Also .. because shes a MNetter... I wouldn't feel as confident about my diagnosis if my best friend hadnt really bolstered my confidence and reminded me ASD or not...I am who I am, and who I am is awesome

A work mates son, was working in JL electrical sales dept decided dealing with people was too stressful. Decided to become an HGV driver.

Married to one. As people have said, everyone is affected differently. My husband is a very well paid accountant, obsessed with spreadsheets. Doesn't have many friends, but rather a few good ones. Can't cope with some of my harder to read friends, likes others. Doesn't like change or anything unplanned, that can be challenging. We have a son and he is very good with him.

Love him to bits.

Yes, me. I am happily married, live on the other side of the country from my family, have just bought my first house, have worked full time since I was 17. I’ve studied alongside my (demanding!) job since 2014, completing an HNC and a BA, now doing my Masters degree. I have a PhD supervisor lined up for next year, too.

I drive, I have friends and hobbies and a dog.

That doesn’t tell anybody anything though. ASD is so varied, one person’s experience has no bearing on another’s.

Oxbridge graduate and a published author. Happily married for 24 years and a circle of good friends.

I strongly suspect DH has HFA
Hopeless in a structured work environment as he struggles with authority especially if he knows more than them. However, now self employed and works hard. He was a SAHD for some time and is good at cooking, cleaning, DIY etc.
Cannot read people and seems to think you know what is in his head without him saying it.
Very good driver with an amazing memory for routes. Often if he drives a route once or twice he will remember it even if it is hundreds of miles or in another country.
He also speaks 4 languages and seems to have picked them up easily.
I am the bigger earner and the planner and organiser. He is the practical doer of stuff so we balance each other.

I am not ashamed to admit I'm rather disinterested in most other people so I'm not lonely.

Me too! I enjoy spending (one on one) time with friends at the time but I never, ever miss anyone so I’m not lonely. I’ve learned to parrot back ‘I miss you too’ when someone (usually my mum) says it to me because it’s kind but I never actually miss them.

But my adolescence wasn’t a good time. I was excluded from most friendship groups. It still upsets me to talk about it and I couldn’t bear to tell my children. When my son went through something similar it brought a lot of the upset back. He has done well at university and has friends, but finds romantic relationships more difficult.

amusedbush - I parrot a lot

During my assessment I was surprised at how therapeutic it was to speak freely and express there are limited people I genuinely care about. Others think I'm a sociopath when I admit I dont love most family members ( outside of DH and kids!) more than anyone i meet on the street

Yep, me! I’m married, work fulltime since finishing MPhil 17 years ago. I struggle to maintain friendships and have fewer than I would like, though realistically about as many as I can cope with. I function well at my current job as there’s a high degree of autonomy but I struggle with playing the workplace game and have never made a friend through work, which saddens me. But on the whole, since receiving my diagnosis later in life (currently 40), I’ve been a lot more accepting of myself and am less self-critical. Oh, and I do drive, though I can find it very stressful!

My husband, he works, drives has kids, obviously we live together now but he has lived alone in the past.

The other adult I know with ASD is a paedophile who doesn't work, still lives at home and spends his time gaming.

YY to the sensory issues. Nobody else seems as bothered about labels in clothes! Argh! I also come across as blunt becasue filtering is exhausting. I also get far in jobs and then lose interest, unless it's very intellectually challenging (if it is people-challenging then it can sod off)

Slight hijack, but for anyone that is HFA or has a partner/child who is - do you think that Greta Thunberg is being exploited by her parents (as suggested on another thread)?

I know several. All very different and mask/cope to varying degrees. I probably am but don't have a formal diagnosis.

DH is, successful career, doesn't drive, obsessions vary. He is the kindest most gentle man I have ever met. He has found a niche of friends and co-workers who are also in tech and seems to be flying along.

Female friend, divorcing, high anxiety, struggles to balance life and work and struggles with self care. PhD in a highly technical field.

Female friend, I'd probably describe her a asexual until told otherwise. Highly competent in her role.

And various others. DH's mother is HFAS as is (probably) one of my grandparents. We may not have children as I don't know how we would cope with children whether neurotypical or not. It breaks my heart but I can't see it.

I know two, though both undiagnosed. Both men.

1 - has two degrees, very academic. Drives. Was married and has children. Since his divorce he's been in many, many short -term relationships. Once it becomes serious he feels trapped and leaves (only married because she fell pregnant).

2 - nearly 40, has a degree, Doesn't drive, still lives with his mother, has never had a relationship. Currently unemployed - he loses jobs fairly regularly.