To ask those of you who know an adult with high functioning ASD

[Tobythecat]

What are their lives like? Can they work, drive? Do they have a relationship? Do they live alone? If they don't work, what do they do? As someone with ASD i'm curious.

I know two people with ASD, both women. One can't work a paid job but volunteers once a week. Lives in a flat with her boyfriend, no kids. Can't drive. Has a somewhat active social life/goes to groups etc.
The other woman is married, two kids (both have asd). Doesn't work but has in the past, done a lot of studying and has two masters degrees. Can drive. Has a somewhat active social life.

Then there's me. Never had a job, can't drive, no kids, never had a relationship, have a degree and live alone. Have one or two friends and don't get out that much.

What is striking is the number of people mentioned here who hold doctoral degrees, are working towards one and/or are academics.
Something which, in my imagination, I would like to achieve, provided that I could spend all my time in a wood panelled study, in an old leather armchair with the stuffing coming out, wearing a tweed or corduroy jacket with patches on the elbows, a pot of tea and plate of buttered crumpets on a silver salver next to me, reading and writing learned papers!
The reality is that I have chosen to follow a path which suits my quirks, being outside all day long, with wide open space all around me, minimal pressure to engage in human social intercourse and no requirement to manage people, which I am crap at.
The moral is that each of us must adapt to the character traits which define us, since there is no 'catch all' characteristic which every one of us has in common - like those who are NT, we are all different. And special. It is not a disease, nor a disibility, or something to feel ashamed of...just something to have an awareness about and learn to work around and even turn to one's advantage

My XH has a very well paid and responsible job, utilising his ASD traits, methodical, mathematical etc

He wasn’t cut out for family life but he loves our DCs and has coped much better with being a dad since we split and he has his own space. He has had other relationships since, but only short term. He’s a really nice man, just very stuck in his ways, and now says he’s not interested in meeting anyone new.

DS1 is 19 and also on the spectrum. He has a very patient and understanding girlfriend of 3 years and a responsible job that he loves, working as a supervisor at a place connected with his obsession hobby. He’s been a challenging teenager but has grown into a lovely young man now that he’s found his niche.

I know they’re both lucky to be able to channel their ASD into something productive and fortunate to be fairly mildly affected.

Yes. Company director in a City firm, married to a very patient woman, and a house load of kids. He’s in IT. Yes, really.

Me, early 30s have worked solidly since aged 14,part time until 18 and full time ever since. I live with my partner and we are expecting out first child in December. I have very few true friends and I'm painfully introverted and much prefer a good book to going out and small talk. I'm blunt and have no filter never seen the point in sugar coating, if it's true it's true, I also prefer people being to the point with me as well. Hate clothing labels and wet food textures. I don't drive but only due to an ankle injury that's still healing many years on. Over all I think I do Okay and most people don't realise when they first meet me.

It is not a disease, nor a disibility, or something to feel ashamed of...just something to have an awareness about and learn to work around and even turn to one's advantage.

Really, autism isn't a disability? What is it then? No, don't tell me it's a neurological difference, or it's a "different way of thinking?" Seriously, you can fuck off with that bullshit. You going to tell someone who can't work or live independently that their autism isn't a disability?
When people ask me what my problem with autism and self diagnosis is, this is exactly the kind of thing i refer to. Self diagnosed autistics coming along and telling actual diagnosed autistics that "it's not a disability" and you can turn it to your advantage if only you try hard enough. Funny how self diagnosed people are usually the ones coming out with this claptrap.

Me! Undiagnosed but convinced I would get a diagnosis if assessed.

Used to work in IT. Now work self employed and alone most of the time. Totally comfortable with that.

1 serious relationship from early 30's. Produced 2 children, both ASD. Never had any relationship last longer than 3 months before that.

2-3 very close friends. Lots of people I say hi to on the school run but not 'friends' in the proper sense. Often feel isolated from people. Cannot understand at all how people make friends. No idea how these school mums buddy up. People will say hello to me but don't seem to want to be friends with me but they will be friends with other people. Often find that upsetting.

Learnt to drive and left home only because I was given a gentle nudge by my father and Step mum.

Successful at work. Always get good appraisals but would never make management level. Preferred jobs where I could plan my own workload but without there being too much responsibility or pressure. Had a massive meltdown once as I was doing the work if three people while my two colleagues were off and my boss put too much pressure on me. At the time, I thought it was because I was heavily pregnant but now see that it was a meltdown. Hated it when I was busy working on something and then someone would need me to stop doing that and work on something else. I would do it but get stressed about it, worrying about the other thing I was supposed to be doing. The need to be perfect at every job that I did. Needing praise from boss to feel validated. Would worry if they didn't tell me I was doing a good job even though I always got outstanding appraisals. Never thought I was any good at the jobs I did.

My current special interest is my children!

Firmly believe brother in law is autistic. Age 40, still lives at home with parents. Doesn't drive. They cook for him and buy his clothes. He basically lives in his bedroom apart from when he goes to football or work. He even eats up there!

He has a basic minimum wage, entry level job despite being very well qualified and intelligent.

BIL has never been in a sexual relationship as far as anyone knows.

I hate talking on the phone. Would much rather email or text. Rubbish about booking appointments.

Always hated nightclubs, noisy pubs and music gigs because of the loud noise. Hate hand dryers for the same reason.

Feel lost in a group of people,much better with just 1-2 people at a time.

Good at delivering presentations to groups of people.

Find it difficult to run the home - quite untidy.

Wear the same clothes, just buy 2-3 of the same top/trousers if I like them. Same with food. I lack imagination when it comes to cooking. Will always order the same takeaway. Want to try new stuff but can't when it comes to the crunch!

Can't make decisions easily.

Need 'down time' by myself and quite comfortable going to the cinema alone.

Rubbish at caring about my appearance!

Completely agree @JanMeyer I feel utterly disabled by being autistic and by (what I’m pretty sure is) ADHD. Not everyone feels like that, great, but I would change it in a heartbeat if it meant I could function like a normal person and not feel like a failure a hundred times a day. And yet I’m “high functioning” and see so many things about how people “just like me” have achieved amazing things and aren’t disabled by it... yeah, I’m pretty bitter about it at the moment because I’m struggling so much.

@Blurb54 do you plan to try and get assessed? Long waiting lists but might be worth getting a referral if it would help you. It definitely did for me. It’s not changed me of course, but having it confirmed and explained by a specialist helped me forgive myself a lot more

I think I might have a bit of ASD but of course undiagnosed so perhaps not. Always been socially awkward and shy, feel like I have had to learn conversational basics, not good at realising how I come across. I sometimes hear about sensory things that apply to me, for example as a child i hated seams in the toes of my socks which I recently heard can be an asd thing. I've always done ok academically. I have a technical nhs job, married and have a baby (find it tough even though she isn't difficult really so probably won't have more), but not many relationships before DH and friends mostly made throughout my life through DH or best friend at time, hard to make friends on my own. I have some mum friend acquaintances I met on mat leave by pushing myself to try and I'm in the friendship group chat but feel like I'm not one of the popular ones if that makes sense, I'm just kinda there.

I'm a star employee . My social life is almost entirely on the internet but that's how I like it. I can look after myself no problem.

It runs in my family all at various levels,

my uncle had a very long productive career in the RAF doing electrical engineering - forever single,

my brother is an electrical technician at a popular university - divorced with a daughter,

my cousin has just finished his masters but struggling with his PhD - most likely forever single

And my son, well he's soon to be 6 so no one knows yet

My son has Aspergers with Dyspraxia and ADHD. He works full time as a falconer (was told he'd be "lucky to work in Tesco" by a former school teacher, DS took great pride in going back to his old school as part of a very small team of falconers for an End of Year 11 day, falcon on his arm). Lives well on his own surrounded by a myriad of creepy crawlies, has friends, drives (but he found it much harder to learn than his NT sister and is Satnav dependant even for familiar routes) and is doing much better in life than I could ever have hoped for.

I think I might have a bit of ASD but of course undiagnosed so perhaps not.

You can't have a "bit of ASD." A person is either autistic or they're not. Of course a person can have some autistic traits without actually being autistic (actually meeting the criteria of the triad of impairments) but that doesn't equate to "a bit of ASD."

The more I read this thread the more I dislike the term "undiagnosed." It's not really accurate is it, to refer to a person's potential autism as undiagnosed? I mean until a person gets assessed they don't even know if they have autism or not, so there may not even be anything to diagnose. Who knows, maybe I'm just being overly pedantic but the phrasing irks me. Like when people post asking "how do I get a diagnosis for ASD." Ummm, no. You mean how do you get an assessment. Two very different things.

I sometimes hear about sensory things that apply to me, for example as a child i hated seams in the toes of my socks which I recently heard can be an asd thing.

Lots of autistic people do have sensory problems, but it's not exclusively an autistic trait. People can have sensory processing disorder without being autistic. Point is sensory issues aren't always an indicator of autism.
There's a bit more to being autistic than being socially awkward and having some sensory issues. And being shy is not an autistic trait, that's a personality thing. Some autistic people are outgoing, though you'd never know it with the stereotypes the media propogates.

@LivingInLaputa I do want to get assessed but in my current work it could affect things so need to check that out.

There are strict rules in my line of work and some people still see autistic people in a negative way. Could affect my client base as I'd be obliged to disclose it.

Holds down a job and does well at it but job is far below educational level and abilities. Used to have a problem with sticking to jobs but has learned how to over time.
Has friends and social life but finds upkeep of friendships a struggle.
Can't drive, owns home but struggles with upkeep prioritising routine over efficiency.
Has a partner and family with few issues.
Struggles with big decisions.

What are their lives like? Can they work, drive? Do they have a relationship? Do they live alone? If they don't work, what do they do? As someone with ASD i'm curious.

My husband was diagnosed a year ago but reflecting this has been a major revelation and a lot of things fit. He's HF ASD and dyspraxia.

He struggles to drive a manual but is learning in an automatic.

He lives with high levels of anxiety and some low mood. These have been greatly reduced by seeing a therapist after he hit rock bottom about 18 months ago and tried to take his own life.

I've been one of his only long term relationships and on reflection I put up with more than I should have in our early relationship but now we have very healthy boundaries. I'm not his carer and his mental health is his responsibility.

He lived alone for around 3 years before we met. Before that he lived at home before that travelled Oz with 2 male friends and before that Uni.

He works in Cyber Security and has a good career. He's had to find ways to cope at work as open plan office is a sensory nightmare and he struggles to interpret people sometimes. He is open about his diagnosis at work (and as you can imagine in IT is far from alone) which helps.

Oh and he has a core of friends, two he went to Oz with and more from his late teens uni days, few that he's made as an adult as he doesn't socialise much (not that we have much time).

I will say though, I'm very much not on the spectrum and only have 4 core friends and they are scattered all over the country. I don't socialise a great deal and have a lot of acquaintances,

At school, I was kicked out of one nursery. Parents didn't send me to another one as they didn't think I'd cope.

Kicked the teacher first day of school. Cried every day if the first term. They had to have my sibling sit with me because I was kicking off.

Hard to make friends at school. Bullied. Developed OCD by the age of 9.

Severely bullied in secondary. Didn't want to grow up. Hated the changes that puberty bought. I was a tomboy and was convinced that I would be a boy when I grew up. Took me until about age 12 when it dawned on me that wouldn't happen!

Still playing with toys at 14 and didn't realise that wasn't the norm. Never got the whole girl talk about hair/make up!

He's HF ASD and dyspraxia.

You mean he has ASD and dyspraxia? Because no-one can be Autism Spectrum disorder or dyspraxia. You can be autistic and dyspraxic, but a person cannot be ASD. Does it not bother the people who write it that way (and annoyingly that's a lot of people on MN) that you are literally calling the person their condition?
I really don't understand, why do people wrongly use ASD like that when autistic is more grammatically correct?