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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask those of you who know an adult with high functioning ASD

115 replies

Tobythecat · 20/08/2019 19:57

What are their lives like? Can they work, drive? Do they have a relationship? Do they live alone? If they don't work, what do they do? As someone with ASD i'm curious.

I know two people with ASD, both women. One can't work a paid job but volunteers once a week. Lives in a flat with her boyfriend, no kids. Can't drive. Has a somewhat active social life/goes to groups etc.
The other woman is married, two kids (both have asd). Doesn't work but has in the past, done a lot of studying and has two masters degrees. Can drive. Has a somewhat active social life.

Then there's me. Never had a job, can't drive, no kids, never had a relationship, have a degree and live alone. Have one or two friends and don't get out that much.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 20/08/2019 21:22

I’m from a nest of them, four generations. Some high powered jobs, some own businesses, the odd one rejecting the authority claimed by employers. Most in successful, long term relationships, except me.

A lot of the ‘fitting in’ others try to do, I’d given up on by the time I was fourteen. Going it alone is the best way for me. I did get married and have a child, and I was a teacher for decades.

Bubbletrouble43 · 20/08/2019 21:32

I have a friend with high functioning autism. She works ft in a supermarket and has a huge array of hobbies and is very musical, learns instruments. Crafts, knits, sews ALOT. Lives with her parents though she is now 50. I think she is quite naive and trusting, and she said herself she is better off living with her parents. Probably partly because she likes to spend her money on whatever the current hobby is.

HelpIcantfindaname · 20/08/2019 21:32

My son was diagnosed with HF ASD about 16 months ago, aged 29.
He has suffered from anxiety for many years, & had periods of self harming for about half of his life.
He missed all of years 8 & 9 at school, plus half of year10. After dropping out of college a number of times, he has just completed his Foundation degree in Cyber Security, and has one more year to go at uni before he will be looking for work.
He will find interviews extremely hard. He sometimes joins my boyfriend at work (he works in IT support). There are only 4 people there, but sometimes DS just can't make it in. He has very few friends..he spends loads of time with DGS, age 18. They train together. DGS has even managed to get DS into a proper gym...they were using a small gym they had set up in the garage cos DS doesn't do germs, & doesnt always do people.
He has lived alone 2x but it didnt work out. From 22-29 he lived back with me. Now he is with his grandparents.
He doesnt drive, but he also has eye problems, which prevent driving.
He said he spent a long time learning to read me, but cannot read other people.
He doesnt have a girlfriend - he doesnt handle romantic relationships well, but he would love one.
When he got his diagnosis he did a lot of research & found there was little support for adults with ASD. He also read that a large percentage of people with ASD dont have jobs or relationships.
I'm going to show him all these responses tomorrow to help him see those things are not impossible..

Fanfucgintastic · 20/08/2019 21:38

It's interesting being a parent of children with ASD whilst being autistic myself. Anxiety is a huge issue for me and I find myself losing hours worrying about when I'm gone Sad. Who will love them and understand them as well as I do?

I also worry my child deemed the most " high functioning" will struggle the most as they are aware of their difficulties and differences between them and their peers. They crave social interaction and relationships yet often miss the mark. I try to advise best I can ( blind leading the blind ) and reiterate that happiness is self made etc but it's still a worry

Topsecretidentity · 20/08/2019 21:40

Yes one- drives, excellent academically - double first and Oxford PHD in highly technical field. Works but struggles with promotions/ office politics. Not many friends but obsessed with appearing cool/ being popular- he's from a family where all his siblings during school years were charming and popular except for him & I think he found it hard. But his obsession with being cool is in a very teenage way and not adult/ workplace appropriate so unfortunately is still socially behind. Doesn't read social situations well but in general is very funny, intelligent and kind (has great chat) but overly principled and lacks flexibility in his worldview.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 20/08/2019 21:46

I know at least three adults very well with asd. One is married, has children, worked all their life (now retired), struggles with friendships but does have some good friends.

One really struggled as a kid/young teenager but now absolutely thriving at uni. Seems to have found their 'tribe' there, so to speak. Happily social.

Other is nearly 40, single, lives alone but has a very active social life and travels a lot. Seems to be making up for lost time as was very withdrawn/anti-social when younger but doing really well now, has lovely friends. Has a post grad degree and works full time.

Verily1 · 20/08/2019 21:59

What are their lives like?

Unstable but looks ok from the outside

Owns home, high income, happy dcs

But lacks self care/ life skills

Can they work?
Yes, but difficulty holding down jobs/ interviews/ interpersonal relationships/ office politics

drive? Yes, couldn’t do the stress/ people of public transport

Do they have a relationship?

Yes but finds it hard

Do they live alone?

No but needs own space

If they don't work, what do they do?
Was student
Lived off partner/benefits

Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2019 22:18

I strongly suspect I have high functioning ASD although never diagnosed (but I diagnose this as part of my job so not a totally blind opinion). I have a partner, children and a job. What worked for me was getting into quite a nerdy hobby where there is a high level of other people with high functioning ASD, I went from struggling socially to finding I had friends I could be easy with.

maddiemookins16mum · 20/08/2019 22:23

60 year old male friend. Doesn’t work but did for a fair few years although struggled. lives alone, never been in relationship, needs support with certain things like when the TV needs tuning. Very, very little social interaction.

flyingspaghettimonster · 20/08/2019 22:46

2 men, both married, 1 with grown up kids, works and studies etc. 1 with 1 kid who has autism more severely. He works and is married. Both a little socially awkward, bit with plenty of friends.

CutsAndSnoozes · 20/08/2019 23:05

Me, and this:

@YouTheCat

"I know loads. Some work and some don't. Some drive and some don't. Some have families. Some choose to socialise on their terms and others feel pressurised to."

Many autistic people have comorbid conditions present which can and will affect every aspect of daily life; some will manage/ achieve some things, others will be different.

Doormat247 · 20/08/2019 23:16

My DP has Aspergers. He's a firefighter, done various other jobs and never been out of work at all. He has a physics degree and is very ambitious and hardworking.
He does not let his Aspergers define him and would throw a fit if someone described it as a disability.
He's struggled somewhat with previous relationships I think, but we've been together 18mths and I think he's bloody amazing Grin

DaisyDreaming · 20/08/2019 23:16

I know lots of people who are full independent but been diagnosed in the past few years. Those I know who were diagnosed years ago are still to use the term some hate ‘high functioning’ but less independent

user1471548941 · 20/08/2019 23:21

I have a full time career in what is considered a difficult industry, drive, own a house which I live in with my boyfriend.

Despite the high profile career I would say the area I struggle with most is lively independently- paying bills/keeping on top of the house is much harder than my actual job.
My boyfriend provides a lot of support with this which gives me more energy focus on a career and hopefully eventually pay an assistant to help with the hard life stuff. He is amazing!

I have 2 close friends who I see intermittently due to distance but think both are great and very understanding. I also quiz in a team once a week and enjoy our catch ups. I did lose a few friends after my diagnosis at 24 as they didn’t believe me and painting me as an attention seeker and which I couldn’t accept.

Catwoman1985 · 20/08/2019 23:26

Me. Got degree and two postgraduate degrees. Married. Worked full time now 4 days per week in a professional role. Can’t drive. Multiple co-morbidities.

EmmiJay · 20/08/2019 23:27

My dad is high functioning. Had a very successful career in computer engineering until he had to retire. One of the most 'book smart' men I know.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 20/08/2019 23:27

My DiL works full time as an activities coordinator in an old people's home.
It's her first job, she's in her late 20s.
She previously volunteered and studied at college.

movingontosomethingnew · 20/08/2019 23:30

Family member. Long term relationship, works full time, has a phd and lives independently.

Beekeeper1 · 20/08/2019 23:41

Me! Not diagnosed, but score exceptionally highly via self assessement.
Male, if that makes a difference.
Drive, hold tracklaying and road roller licenses in addition to a car license and have driven many things, both professionally and as a hobby, from combine harvesters and tractors to tanks, armoured cars, ex military lorries and traction engines.
Struggle with personal relationships/friendships - two failed long term relationships, no children, accept, but not at peace, with the fact that I will probably always be alone and never have a family of my own. Live alone, no friends, but the dichotomy is that, although I am solitary by nature and prefer to be on my own much of the time, I am also incredibly lonely and crave some human companionship. I seriously cannot recall the last occasion that I had a meal out, went to the cinema, had a day out with another human being or even just had a beer or two with someone.
Very shy, reserved, socially anxious and awkward.
Can be very self centric, cannot understand why others are not fascinated or obssessed by the same things as me. Conversely, I tend to be dismissive of other peoples' interests if I think they are dull and of no interest to me. I live in the middle of nowhere, deep in the countryside and would not want to be anywhere else - lived briefly in a town, through circumstance, and was miserable, feeling like a caged animal and would rather die in a ditch somewhere than live in such an environment again. I find it hard to see the viewpoint of others and, thus, cannot understand why some people prefer town or city living. I am aware that this is a huge failing on my part and am trying to address it! Ironically, I (think!) that I have huge empathy and sympathy towards others and am horrified if I feel that I have offended or upset someone, either inadvertently by misreading people or deliberately through rudeness.
Work fulltime, and always have, mainly in an occupation where I can work alone. Have had line management positions in the past, but hated it, primarily as I find it difficult to read people, give instruction or deal with conflict resolution or reacting to incidents outside my routine. Peversely, I have held several responsible civic positions and felt that I was reasonably competent! Perhaps because they were structured with firm boundaries and no 'fuzzy' edges?
Own my own home ( very old cottage) filled with very old 'things', all of which must, and do, work - I struggle with the modern world and would like to live completely in the past! I have a working bread oven, which I use periodically, a well under the downstairs bathroom floor which I intend to bring back into use for my potable water supply, the house is filled with Regency and Victorian objects, furniture, crockery, pewterware etc, all in use. I write with a fountain pen and real ink and am going even further back in time, taking to using a quill pen. Clocks are my latest obssession - I would fill the house with them if I could, akin to Lord Cutglass in 'Under Milkwood' - "sitting alone in a dogdish marked 'fido', alone in a housefull of time...surrounded by sixty six ticking clocks, one for each year of his loony age". My latest aquisition is a mahogany longcase grandfather clock, it is like a living, breathing organism, I stroke it and talk to it everytime I walk past and close my eyes to listen to the rhythmic heartbeat of it as it tick tocks away. But it is becoming another obssession and I want to aquire more!
Ritualistic repetetive behaviours - spontaneity is anathema to me and any break in my routine or unforseen circumstance sends me into a spiral of negativity, almost akin to a breakdown, even to the extent of putting my hands over my head and 'rocking'. Conversation tends to be one sided - once I start I talk and talk and talk, repeating myself quite frequently - had you noticed?! No wonder I have no friends and failed relationships!
Lists, both mental and literal - my life revolves around lists - things to do, things to aquire, things to tick off the list as being done or achieved.
Obssessive behaviours - over investement in those in the news who capture my attention. New interests become obssessive, currently trying to memorise the common and Latin binomial names of every British species of butterfly. Other fixations have ranged from keeping unusual pets ( from mongooses and fruitbats to a South African burrowing hare, a coati and a tame fox who lived in the house like a dog), collecting ex military vehicles, buying dozens of books on the same subject, to growing plants from seed, majoring on one particular genus and trying to grow every species within that genus before moving on to another one. All these obssessions are aquisitive and nearly bankrupt me!
Memorising facts, figures, dates, numbers and names comes easily - if I read something once it tends to stick forever in my brain - handy really as history is another fixation I have!
Sensory overload too - I cannot abide being touched by strangers, loud noises, bright lights - perhaps that is why I hate being cooped up and need to be outside in wide open spaces, where there is minimal human activity.
I am well aware that all these things are NOT normal human behaviour, when displayed to this degree and they have, undoubtedly, impacted on my life in terms of human relationships, career opportunities and quality of life - negatively or otherwise is not for me to say. I regard myself as being reasonably articulate, well read,and intelligent, I like learning new things constantly, but I do sometimes, ( quite often, actually), form the opinion that I have missed out on a good many things that others take for granted or 'the norm' - I have never been to a wedding, had a holiday, as an adult, travelled abroad, been to a dinner party or a hundred and one other things which most NT people do regularly. On the other hand, I am relatively content with my life, enjoy the things I enjoy and feel reasonably satisfied, if not totally fullfilled.

A medal goes to you if you have managed to read all of this. And cake. And wine.

Babdoc · 20/08/2019 23:42

Me. Retired after 36 years as hospital doctor. Drive 12,000 miles a year, having passed test at 25. Some Aspie obsessions (mainly hobbies). Widowed, two DC. One of whom is also HFASD, maths degree, working in risk analysis, in a long term relationship. Can’t drive. Also has obsessions and is medicated for severe depression, but currently in remission.
As PPs have pointed out, all Aspies are different. We all adapt our lives to our condition, and make different compromises and choices. You should follow your own dreams, OP, whatever they are!

SugarMiceInTheRain · 20/08/2019 23:42

I have a friend who I'm certain has high functioning ASD (from having worked a lot with children and teens on the autistic spectrum), though don't think he's been diagnosed. He still lives with his parents at 26 though is saving for a house deposit, is learning to drive though struggles with it, and has a full time job, though it is pretty much minimum wage despite the fact that he's pretty clever and articulate. He has hobbies which he enjoys regularly. He is desperate to be in a proper relationship. My heart breaks for him as he is really unhappy with his situation, particularly the lack of relationship, and has been suicidal at times because he feels that there's no point going on like this.

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 20/08/2019 23:54

I'm pretty confident my dad would be diagnosed if tested (ds is on the spectrum). Successful career, although in a relatively solitary, ASD-friendly field; never good at 'playing politics' but academically extremely able.
Long term marriage, four kids all of whom he has relatively close relationships with; some MH issues at various stages, currently fairly stable; remarried (in his 70s), I believe happily: she's lovely and a good match for him I think.
Some friendships through hobbies/special interests, but never strongly social.

smoothy · 21/08/2019 00:06

Me. I’m trying to do an undergrad degree at the moment but it’s unlikely that I’ll graduate as I tend to burn out and crack under pressure very easily. I live alone because I need to for my sanity and wellbeing. I did pass my driving test but I don’t drive. No relationships really and few friends. I’m very scared about when I’m done with uni because I am the literal opposite of lazy/workshy but I know the stress and pressure of a job will destroy me.

Tillygetsit · 21/08/2019 00:32

I work with a married lady in her late 30s who has a husband, 2 children and works full time. She drives and is such a lovely kind woman. She has high functioning autism. Her maths arent brilliant but neither are mine so we get another team member to help with that.

coolvibes · 21/08/2019 01:06

My sister is autistic, although she was only diagnosed a few years ago in her thirties (by an NHS psychiatrist). She's had severe MH issues all her life, and only worked for a few years as a teenager. Several suicide attempts and lots of psychiatric input. She hasn't worked at all for the past 20 years. She can't drive as she also has dyspraxia and social anxiety, and she can't cope with the coordination or social interaction required. She is married though, and has two dc (one is also severely autistic and has just left an autism specific special school). She's always had her needs recognised even before the autism diagnosis, and qualified for a high level of support (getting PIP at enhanced rate now, was on DLA for years and also getting DLA for her dc and carers allowance, got a council flat with medical points, got DSA as a student and has a free bus pass and monthly meetings with her psychiatrist through her CMHT). Struggles with self care and housework to the extent that she's had SS involvement.
She has several degrees (as well as some unfinished qualifications) although they have always taken her longer than the usual length, as she struggles with anxiety and executive functioning, so has taken time out or repeated years. She doesn't have any friends and mostly goes out as a family, with hobbies or with her siblings.

She is quite content to be a SAHM and has no plans to work, and luckily her DH is able (and happy) to support her. Her benefits are fairly secure (10 year PIP awards for her and her dc), and she owns her old council flat, so that gives her some financial independence.