Child-free friend excluded from new WhatsApp group 'for her own good'

[Eastie77]

I am in a Whatsapp group with a group of friends, one of whom has just given birth. There is one friend in the group, 'Jill', who does not have children. Everyone else has at least one.

Today another one of my friends created a new Whatsapp group and has invited everyone except for Jill. She has posted an intro message stating that she thinks it's a good idea to have this seperate group for any child related discusions because she is conscious that at times the other one becomes overloaded with baby/child conversations which must be annoying for Jill. The recent chat about the new baby was apparently prime example as everyone (understandbly) talked about it 'for several days'. She added that with school starting up again soon she remembered last year everyone posted pictures of their kids first day etc and so please can we avoid doing that in the main chat and keep it to the child chat group.

I do not know if Jill is childfree by choice or not. I am almost certain that she would be hurt if she discovered we were sharing all our children's pictures, updates etc in another group and completely excluding her so I exited the group. Before do so I asked my friend if
Jill had said anything to her about feeling upset/sidelined by the child related chat and she said no but I should put myself in Jill's shoes and imagine how she feels when there is an endless conversation about the merits of Calpol or formula.

I'm fine not to put up pictures of my DC's first day at school but I'm not planning to avoid mentioning them at all in the main chat. I'm not rejoining the new group. Is this really unreasonable?

[NewAccount270219]

Oh, and if we're making unfounded claims about people then I reckon OP is driveller-on-in-chief which is why she's 'not planning to avoid mentioning them at all in the main chat', ie will continue to fill the chat with stuff about her DC

[messolini9]

Then how does the 'friend' justify her secrecy, @NewAccount270219?

How is that secrecy going to feel to Jill if/when she finds out about it?

[Bourbonbiccy]

The 'friend' who suggested it has ulterior motives, & they're not pretty.

I have to agree with this really.

Surely 'Jill" is a big girl and voice her own opinion if she feels she needs to. To exclude her is not very nice at all.

[NewAccount270219]

Where does it say that the group is secret?

[NewAccount270219]

I know about the existence of my friends' 'London' group despite never having been in it. Not having invited Jill doesn't mean it's supposed to be some secret that she can never know of

[messolini9]

If "friend" actually gave one shiny shit about Jill, then instead of the secret group skullduggery, she's simply say something like

"Hey Jill, I don't know about you but the Group's getting pretty swamped with baby stuff, so I thought I'd set up another one, JUST for baby stuff, to free this one up a bit for main chat.
Feel free to join - & I quite understand if you don't want to! See you on the main group as usual, & on the new one if you want to, cheers, "Friend"."

The fact that she needed subterfuge tellls me all I need to know about "friend".

[Witchend]

None of us have any idea whether "Jill" has requested it, or moaned considerably about the baby talk. Nor do we know that Jill doesn't know about it.
You can't condemn the person for setting it up unless you know that. And it could be that Jill has asked in private, but not to spread it around because there is a reason she doesn't want people to know.

And if the baby chat one stays as that, then that's fine. The danger would be that the baby chat one becomes the main one.

[Wiltshirelass2019]

It’s a tricky one but when I was going through fertility problems and ivf I would have been more than happy to be left out of this type of WhatsApp group. Thankfully I’m now expecting but to be honest baby talk isn’t my cup of tea and is pretty boring especially if you don’t have kids. Either way I’m sure she’ll be happy to be excluded.

[PurpleDaisies]

From the op... I am almost certain that she would be hurt if she discovered we were sharing all our children's pictures, updates etc in another group and completely excluding her so I exited the group.

It’s pretty clear that Jill doesn’t know about the group.

[WaxOnFeckOff]

I think the danger with the separate group is that non child related stuff starts to be discussed on that as well and the original group becomes redundant and then Jill gets completely sidelined. I think that's a bit horrible. Surely if there is a lot of child questions then the person can just ask specific individuals for advise instead of asking the whole group?

[messolini9]

@NewAccount270219 Where does it say that the group is secret?

Here - Today another one of my friends created a new Whatsapp group and has invited everyone except for Jill

& here - I am almost certain that she would be hurt if she discovered we were sharing all our children's pictures, updates etc in another group

[Skittlenommer]

I’m childfree by choice and I’d be made-up to have all the boring child stuff move to a separate group! I think it’s really considerate!

[NellieDavie]

I don't have children (not by choice) but if I were in Jill's shoes being excluded would hurt me much more than being bombarded with children chat. I can choose to ignore that if I want to and mute the chat if it's upsetting me in any way, but nothing I'd be able to do about being left out.

[NewAccount270219]

That's the OP's assumption/extrapolation. The opening message she describes doesn't say anything about not telling Jill about it.

Also, the group was set up today and OP left it immediately. For all she knows the friend was going to mention it to Jill. Jill might even have been invited to it after OP left, once the creator of the group reflected on what OP said.

[origamiunicorn]

I think it came from a good place (child chat would bore me too) but she might be hurt at being excluded when she finds out, why didn't the friend just ask her, feels a bit mean to have done it in secret.

[Coldemort]

You constantly hear how new mums feel ostrigised by their child free peers. Well as a child free person this is the perfect example of how it happens the other way round. Can't join in on stories about green poo? Well your now second rate to the friends who can

[messolini9]

That's the OP's assumption/extrapolation.

Which we should give credence to, as she's the only one on his thread who actually knows the people we're discussing.

See also pp Tue 20-Aug-19 18:09:52

[Eastie77]

Ok so to clarify, the main chat is not predominantly about children/babies by any stretch. I'd the say most of the time it's general conversation, current affairs, gossip, holiday talk etc. Every now and then someone posts something about their child but most of our kids are now 4 years and upwards, only 2 of us have under 1s so the the Capol and formula milk type conversations are limited and in fact those 2 mums DM each other a lot about baby specific stuff.

I also get bored with nonstop child talk (love my friends kids but no desire to see endless pictures / hear about them all the time) so wouldn't stick around on the chat if it was truly endlessly about children.

I really don't know if Jill is struggling to conceive, she is in a casual relationship (her description), mid forties and has never once mentioned TTC to me - we've known each other since childhood and are quite close. She has on many occasions raised child related comments out of the blue so I'm really not sure she finds out chatter about kids annoying or distressing.

And yes, she'd obviously notice if we all suddenly stopped talked about our children in the main chat group...

[Robs20]

I have been Jill - childfree not by choice. When my dd died my nct friends and another group created new whatsapp groups without me which hurt alot (even though it was for the best).
I think someone should ask Jill, acknowledging that kid chat might be a bit much/ boring, and let her decide. She might not want kids now/ ever and be happy as Aunty Jill and not excluded.

[BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay]

It’s hard. I have this exact problem at the moment - trying to conceive but not managing to. WhatsApp group is constant children chat / school stuff / birth stories.

I can mute I guess.

I sometimes think they should just have their own “moms” WhatsApp group

[LucheroTena]

It sounds a bit Mean Girls if you ask me. Especially as your last post says child chat is fairly minimal. Jill can skip past any posts she doesn’t find interesting, as we all do on any WhatsApp groups.

[BlueJava]

That could be really hurtful to Jill. My best friend didn't have kids but she loved them (and wanted one badly) she loved to join in all the DC chat. (Sadly passed away now). Jill could be really hurt.

[brassbrass]

It's really condescending especially if you've known each others for years pre children and quite othering of Jill.

Well done OP for not being a sheep and having the balls to leave the group. I can't stand this kind of social media related nonsense.

[PuffHuffle5]

And yes, she'd obviously notice if we all suddenly stopped talked about our children in the main chat group...

I can forsee the main chat going more and more quiet full stop and Jill being left out. It’s not nice.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

OP, do you believe that this was done for Jill's benefit? I think it makes all the difference if it was, even though that would be misguided. It seems quite likely to me that this is an excuse to exclude Jill.

It also puts you in a really awkward position if you end up being the only person with children in the original group (because people won't bother to visit both). If Jill doesn't know about the new group then it's going to feel to her as if all her friends have just fucked off.