Child-free friend excluded from new WhatsApp group 'for her own good'

[Eastie77]

I am in a Whatsapp group with a group of friends, one of whom has just given birth. There is one friend in the group, 'Jill', who does not have children. Everyone else has at least one.

Today another one of my friends created a new Whatsapp group and has invited everyone except for Jill. She has posted an intro message stating that she thinks it's a good idea to have this seperate group for any child related discusions because she is conscious that at times the other one becomes overloaded with baby/child conversations which must be annoying for Jill. The recent chat about the new baby was apparently prime example as everyone (understandbly) talked about it 'for several days'. She added that with school starting up again soon she remembered last year everyone posted pictures of their kids first day etc and so please can we avoid doing that in the main chat and keep it to the child chat group.

I do not know if Jill is childfree by choice or not. I am almost certain that she would be hurt if she discovered we were sharing all our children's pictures, updates etc in another group and completely excluding her so I exited the group. Before do so I asked my friend if
Jill had said anything to her about feeling upset/sidelined by the child related chat and she said no but I should put myself in Jill's shoes and imagine how she feels when there is an endless conversation about the merits of Calpol or formula.

I'm fine not to put up pictures of my DC's first day at school but I'm not planning to avoid mentioning them at all in the main chat. I'm not rejoining the new group. Is this really unreasonable?

[AryaStarkWolf]

It’s possible that Jill is not childless by choice and that the person who set up the new group knows this but is keeping it quiet. Jill might have spoken to her in confidence, or hinted.

It would actually be worse if that was the case, if she really wanted a baby but was struggling and then found out that all her friends had started a private group for people with kids only :/

[Glasscrab]

I'd be suggesting that maybe people should try not to bore on endlessly about Calpol and babies on the general group -- it is perfectly possible to have a child and not talk about child-related stuff 24/7.

The upshot of your friend's decision sound as if it will mean that all the 'traffic' diverts to the new group, leaving the old one largely silent, apart from the occasional sop of conversation thrown to the unfortunate Jill.

Why not ask Jill what she'd prefer? If several members of the group are in fact baby bores, she might be glad of an out. Or she might prefer to mute the group. Or she might be thinking 'There but for the grace of God...'

[ScreamingValenta]

I am childfree by choice. I wouldn't want to be in the child-focused group - but I would appreciate being asked whether I wanted to join, rather than just being excluded.

The problem Jill might face is that, quite unintentionally, the rest of you might fall into child-talk when you meet face to face; or meet ups might start moving to child-oriented venues. If you want the friendship to endure it will involve effort on both sides not to let that happen.

[TheRLodger]

As someone who is childless I would say that’s patronising and if I ever found out I’d feel incredibly put out. Ok fine most of that chat would be baby/ child talk but sometimes conversation would go away from that and turn into something not child related and be something that I could constructively contribute too. Also ok I don’t have kids but I can ooh and ahhh at first day school pictures with the best of them. And find them cute just because I don’t have kids

[dollydaydream114]

I don't have kids but I've got absolutely no problem with my friends who are mums chatting about their kids on social media etc. Just because I've chosen not to have any kids it doesn't mean I don't want to hear about how my friends are getting on with theirs and I'm always delighted to see baby pics and first-day-at-school pics and all that stuff. I would feel quite excluded if my friends set up a group without me just because I'm not a parent. I'm interested in my friends' lives and obviously their lives include parenthood, so I'd expect that to be a big topic of conversation.

Of course, it's different if Jill has actively said that she finds the baby stuff a bit too much, or if your friend knows something about her situation that you don't (eg that she always wanted children and couldn't have them or has recently miscarried or something). But if your friend has just made a random assumption that she doesn't want to included, that's a bit weird.

[NewAccount270219]

Hmm, I can see both sides. I think the friend probably meant well. If you think of children as essentially a hobby then it probably does make sense to have a separate group to discuss the hobby. If I look at my WhatsApp there are separate 'sub groups', and I know there are some I'm not in (eg my friends have a 'London' group I'm not in and thank goodness for that because before that they chatted endlessly about plans for events I couldn't actually go to).

However, I can also see why some people would find it patronising, and my main concern would be general chat drifting over to the 'children' group and so Jill being left out entirely. If it is literally pictures of children then I think it makes sense - and I think it's a bit awkward to directly ask Jill, thus forcing her to say 'yes, I do find you talking about your children boring'

[Dylaninthemovies1]

That’s awful. I mind a friend with kids told another friend without kids that I had invited her to my sons birthday party by mistake “as if she would invite someone without kids”. My friend was heartbroken

[idril]

A better thing to do would have been for your friend to announce on the main group that she was starting a new group for child related chat and to let her know who wants to join. That way Jill is free to join if she wants and it's not a secret groups she's been excluded from.

[dottiedodah]

Unless Jill has actually come out and said she is unhappy about the baby talk ,then I would not be happy about it TBH!.This friend seems rather controlling .I think you have done the right thing !

[19lottie82]

I don’t any kids and I can’t imagine anything worse than constant group chat messages about nappies and night feeds.

I think your friends is good in principal but tell Jill you’re going to have a separate group and double check she doesn’t want to be included? I really doubt she will but it would be polite to ask.

[WorraLiberty]

Jesus, if I was Jill I think I'd kiss the woman

Jill didn't join a group chat about kids and whilst mentioning them now and then will be normal, I think this woman is very thoughtful to not want to bore Jill's tits off.

A separate group sounds perfect.

[hairyturkey]

We had this with a group I was in. Our 'Jill' had spoken to one of the women in private and said that she couldn't conceive and the baby talk was upsetting and then that woman made a new one. But Jill didn't want anyone else to know her private medical details so no one was told. Could it be that Jill has had a word with the person who started the new group?

[NewAccount270219]

she said no but I should put myself in Jill's shoes and imagine how she feels when there is an endless conversation about the merits of Calpol or formula.

I just reread it and this put me a lot more on the side of your friend. This isn't sharing the odd picture, it's tedious drivel (I don't want to be in that chat and I have a baby!). Of course Jill doesn't want to be in a group where you talk about Calpol.

[NewAccount270219]

In fact I think the mistake here was making it all the mothers in the new group - if some of them have kids starting school then they don't want to be having those conversations either. No one wants to talk about formula except the mothers of tiny, tiny babies who literally don't do anything more interesting than eat.

[BritInUS1]

Did anyone ask Jill?

[PuffHuffle5]

If you all really go along with this, then I don’t think Jill is missing out - Jill can do better find some decent friends. The friend who set up the new WhatsApp is a dick.

[powershowerforanhour]

A separate group for 53 posts per day about who's got special offers on breast pumps is fine.
But I'd make a strong (pointed, if necessary) effort to keep the other group chat alive and I wouldn't excise all mention of the children from this - that would be weird- Jill's gonna think all your kids have been abducted by aliens if they suddenly disappear completely.

[MoltoAgitato]

What happens when all the chat migrates to the baby group, because who can be arsed to think which chat goes where and it’a easier just to bung everything in the child friendly chat, and Jill is effectively excluded?

Bit shit not to ask Jill, and even if she’s fine with it she’ll lose out.

[paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking]

Nato cannot promote the kind of co-operation and mutual best interests created by the EU.

[paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking]

Oops wrong thread. Don't think Nato need to be involved.

[steff13]

It would actually be worse if that was the case, if she really wanted a baby but was struggling and then found out that all her friends had started a private group for people with kids only :/

In your opinion. Maybe Jill would appreciate being left out of the child chat. We don't know that Jill hasn't expressed to the other woman that she doesn't like hearing about everyone's kids. Why assume that the other friend is being mean?

[messolini9]

She has posted an intro message stating that she thinks it's a good idea to have this seperate group for any child related discusions because she is conscious that at times the other one becomes overloaded with baby/child conversations which must be annoying for Jill.

Aha!
Exclusion by stealth, under the pretext of "being kind" - the worst kind of bitchery.

Because of course Jill is utterly incapable of assessing for herself how much babytalk she wants to engage in, or of turning off her own notifications.

[NewAccount270219]

Incidentally, I think the friend who started the new chat herself doesn't want to hear all the baby chat - I think she wants a separate group so she can mute it!

[MrsTWH]

A secret group in a no-no, IMO. It’s hurtful to find out things that have happened behind your back.
I think someone should discuss it with Jill directly and see how she feels about it.

[Spidey66]

I think they should have asked Jill, she might be bored by all child talk but still be happy to see pictures of birthday parties, first days at school etc.
I'm child free btw.