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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think single people are happier

118 replies

anniemac1984 · 19/08/2019 22:27

I've been single for nearly 15 years now after leaving an abusive relationship

I'm 39 and couldn't care less if I never play "hide the sausage" ever again 😆

Not only have i recently come to the sad conclusion that a lot of men are twats (not all I know, but a lot are)

But I also think I'm a lot happier than most of my friends who are in relationships or married and stressed with family life etc

I think it's sad I've come to this conclusion, but I really feel a lot of people are in unhappy relationships 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe it's where I live (in a city)
Maybe it's because of my past
Maybe I'm right 🤔

What you reck? X

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/08/2019 12:24

I'm newly single again after eight years. My children are all grown up and have left home, does that count as 'childless'? Because I am so happy right now.

But then XP didn't live with me, contribute financially or emotionally to my life. I guess if it had been a better relationship, I might have been happier in it, but I am in absolutely no hurry to 'couple up' again.

Better single than in a miserable relationship.

Actionhasmagic · 20/08/2019 12:29

I feel the opposite. Have had some health problems and my husband has been my rock. I don’t think I’d get through it without him. Before him I used to be in an awful abusive relationship and when that ended I felt happier and free. It 100% is about who the partner is.

JacquesHammer · 20/08/2019 12:32

I can tell u right this moment there is nobody in the world happier than me. I am happily married.YABU

What utter nonsense

RafaelAndJane · 20/08/2019 12:33

There is an interesting book called Happy Ever After by Paul Dolan, and he cites that study which found, overall, single and child-free women are happier than their married counterparts.

Interestingly, but perhaps not surprisingly, married men are happier and live longer than married women.

It also said divorces are mainly instigated by women. And middle-aged married women are at at higher risk of physical and mental conditions.

madcatladyforever · 20/08/2019 12:39

Quite honestly although I am naturally happier on my own I don't think it matter whether you are single or married - if you are not happy within yourself you will never be happy either alone or with anyone else.
You cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy, only you can do that and if your life is miserable then change it.
Go out, make friends, find some hobbies, do your best at work even if it's a shit job. Being happy and sorted makes you more attractive to potential partners anyway. If you have no life of your own why would anyone want to go out with you.
I find being content and happy on my own I do get asked out a lot even though I'm not thin and over 50, shame I don't want any dates really.

Rapbitch22 · 20/08/2019 12:43

@anniemac1984 I think everyone’s different! Some people like the love / support of a partner. Where as others are fierce lone wolfs who are perfectly happy on their own! I definitely think it’s better to be single and happy than coupled up and sad... saying that I have a few single lonely friends... so whichever works for you I’m glad you are happy one your own OP!!! Each to their own!

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 12:44

@madcatladyforever great post, my thoughts exactly and I'm happily married but I know I could also be perfectly happy on my own and that's not a slight on my DH, I adore him and am happy to be married to him. Saying a person couldn't be as happy happy as you because they're not in a relationship or vice versa is just stupid and egotistical

funnyflower · 20/08/2019 12:46

Not been single since before my first bf a LONG time ago but I know my DM is immeasurably happier single than when she was married. I'm incredibly glad she got our of her two crap marriages young enough to enjoy life!

Legomadx2 · 20/08/2019 12:50

Most of my single friends are a bit sad. I am sure I have some married friends who are sad too but they don't let on.

However when I get a bit older maybe things will change and there will be lots of happy singletons who've got rid of awful men.

I don't agree with your premise though.

Tarocchi · 20/08/2019 12:55

I've got a lifetime of failed relationships behind me and have had various periods of being single. Once for five years and then more recently for nine years.

I wasn't looking but three years ago I met a bloke, we seemed to have a lot in common, fancied each other, similar ages and background so got into a relationship. We didn't live together but stayed at each other's houses, went on holidays, and although it was quite nice to begin with, over time he started to get on my nerves. I found myself biting my tongue, and sometimes longing for him to leave or making excuses to leave earlier myself, or get out of seeing him altogether.

I called it a day after two years and have no regrets. I realise the common factor in all the failed relationships is me, and I guess I'm just not cut out for it. I wouldn't say I'm 'happy' single but I am certainly contented and that counts for a lot. Quite content to potter along in my own way and resigned to the fact I'm going to grow old alone, and fully accepting of it.

Occasionally I do get the tiniest pang - weekends sometimes when people are off doing things and I've got nowhere to go and no-one to go with. I used to like dressing up and going out for a nice meal or gig or whatever, but it wasn't enough to sustain a relationship. I have interests and hobbies that keep me occupied and I do have a few friends, although all are married and I know they look on me as a bit of an oddity.

Then I hear my son talking about a disagreement he's had with his girlfriend, or a friend will be having a moan about her husband .. and I just think to myself, I honestly couldn't be arsed with all that.

I guess some of us are just cut out to be single.

formerbabe · 20/08/2019 12:58

Most of my single friends are a bit sad

I think this is often the case for people who have always been single and never had a relationship.

I think a lot of the happy single people have previously had relationships.

Newbie7077 · 20/08/2019 13:05

Hmm. I agree with the "different kind of happy" that one of the previous posters mentioned, going from single to in a relationship. I feel an enormous amount of pressure when people at weddings say stuff like " these last X number of years with you have been the best of my life" etc etc

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2019 13:09

Legomadx2 there are a lot of people who are single who seem to be or are sad about their status. I think that what you're talking about is the taboo around being single, not that its intrinsically better to be in a relationship.

I was like this in my 20s and early 30s: I was convinced that all the problems in my life came down to being single. It took going through a bad and ultimately abusive marriage and coming out the other side to realise that that was the wrong outlook. Being single now is like a gift that I treasure dearly.

Of course its possible that if I'd chosen someone I was more suited to I may not have felt like this, but I stand by the idea that you can't be truly happy unless you can be happy single.

Its a major problem for all with huge ramifications for society of us that being in a long-term relationship is seen as superior to being happily alone and self-sufficient and for women is seen as a priority above all others. It causes a lot of people to make poor relationship choices because they chose the primacy of being in a couple over everything else. It causes those people in ok but not stunningly good relationships to remain in them long past the point where they are rewarding. It causes people in happy relationships to look down on others. And it causes all sorts of weird political sops such as tax breaks for married people which appear to reward people for the act of being married. All of which hammers home the damaging message that you're only really half a person unless you're half of a couple.

If we unpick the stigma about being single, a lot of it comes down to societal expectations which hark back to a day when women were more or less forced into marriage for financial and religious reasons. We've rightly lost a lot of these latter expectations and women are far more independent but we have not yet lost the stigma that goes with it which is why so many women beat themselves up about the fact that they don't have a cohabiting male partner when in a lot of cases they are far better off without one.

In my view its profoundly damaging to everyone that we continue to place this premium over the fact of being in a cohabiting couple. It clouds all our judgement in so many ways.

nearlynermal · 20/08/2019 13:21

I was very happy with my xDP and didn't know how I was going to survive without him, but life is weirdly lovely. I feel very free and in control. Very sad, sometimes, as it's still recent, but feel really lucky. My DM was trapped in a horrible marriage for 18 years and I think how much better off I am now than she was at my age. It's lovely to read how many people are at peace with being solo.

Rapbitch22 · 20/08/2019 13:38

@madcatladyforever hear hear! Good post! I agree

catspyjamas27 · 20/08/2019 13:39

It depends.

In some ways I worried less, pleased myself more and was a lot more content in some ways when single.

But now I have my dp I absolutely love our time together, building a home together, having holidays together. I would be lost without him now.

But I do still quite like the odd bit of 'me time' too.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/08/2019 13:41

There is, of course, all the added stress with being single of being the only person to have to pick up all the bills, holidays often charging supplements for single rooms etc.

I'd STILL rather be single!

MarshaBradyo · 20/08/2019 13:41

I’m all for getting rid of the idea that it’s necessary in order to be happy. As others have said it leads to substandard decisions. Especially by women.

AmIChangingagain · 20/08/2019 13:55

I'm not happy. I try and tell myself I am, because it makes the loneliness easier to bear

It is with horror that I see it ha been 15 years single. It one sniff of interest in that time

I agree with Bongo upthread

If you're attractive and have opportunities, it's easier to be single.

I read the threads about going to gigs and cinema alone. What a jolly adventure it sounds.

When you have no option, it loses the attraction

BolloxtoGender · 20/08/2019 14:00

Yanbu

I always said that I’d be happy to live in a commune with my female friends.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 20/08/2019 16:03

I'm somewhere in the middle and I think quite a few people are. I've left unhappy relationships and I value myself enough to not fear being single but I am naturally that tiny bit happier settled.

For me, it's like a fly buzzing around me when I am single. I can do lots of things alone quite happily but I just feel calmer and more centered with someone there. I feel like I don't have to be strong all the time. I am also the youngest by far in my family. No siblings, much older cousins nearly all childless, geographically scattered. I can do well all I want but if I want a proper family, I have to build it around me. And for me, part of that is a partner. Doesn't have to be a conventional relationship, but must be supportive.

JacquesHammer · 20/08/2019 16:05

but I am naturally that tiny bit happier settled

I find that a really interesting way of thinking about it actually.

I feel the same, however for me being “settled” is exactly what I am.

stayathomer · 20/08/2019 16:07

Married with kids and very happy. Not all the time, we go through all the crap life throws at you, but we have a laugh together and get each other. I don't think a single group of people is happier than the other, I'd say in all camps there's people happy or unhappy. I never dreamed I'd want to be where I am, but I'm very content

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 16:11

I'm happy now I'm married but I was happy when I was single too. I don't think relationships are necessary to be happy and it's always better to be on your own than with the wrong man.
Be happy in yourself first

Skittlenommer · 20/08/2019 19:42

It’s normally children that make people miserable and they contribute to making relationships that were once happy miserable too!

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