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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think single people are happier

118 replies

anniemac1984 · 19/08/2019 22:27

I've been single for nearly 15 years now after leaving an abusive relationship

I'm 39 and couldn't care less if I never play "hide the sausage" ever again 😆

Not only have i recently come to the sad conclusion that a lot of men are twats (not all I know, but a lot are)

But I also think I'm a lot happier than most of my friends who are in relationships or married and stressed with family life etc

I think it's sad I've come to this conclusion, but I really feel a lot of people are in unhappy relationships 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe it's where I live (in a city)
Maybe it's because of my past
Maybe I'm right 🤔

What you reck? X

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2019 07:27

I definitely am. After leaving an abusive marriage I've been on my own with my DD for coming up to five years and the sense of freedom is amazing.

I'm now in a newish relationship which is good and respectful but the thought of living with him scares the shit out of me. I love sex and friendship but for me 90% of cohabitation was awful, even leaving aside the abuse.

Tolerating suboptimal behaviour in the home (not pulling weight on the household front), TV hogging, slouching around the home not being motivated enough to get out and get things done, low level nagging and control about housework, you couldn't pay me to do that again.

My new bloke is lovely and very generous and thoughtful and very progressive, but I don't think they can help themselves lapsing back into some of these behaviours, they are hard-wired and I would go to the ends of the earth to avoid these.

I think it depends a lot on your personality: a lot of people are very frightened of being on their own. Personally I'm terrified of the stultification, boredom and dependency that goes with even relatively good relationships and would run miles to avoid it.

I am so much more in control without having to pander to someone else's needs and worry about their views. I wouldn't cohabit again if my life depended on it.

PamelaTodd · 20/08/2019 07:32

Happily married with two dc after being single for a long time. The peaks of happiness are higher than when I was single but day to day I’m more stressed than when it was just me. I love being able to lean in to dh with my stress but life was definitely easier before. I think by nature I’d have made a great hermit. Grin

Northernsoullover · 20/08/2019 07:32

I'm in a long term relationship, nearly 5 years. But we don't live together. That's happiness for you Wink

leckford · 20/08/2019 07:34

I think people who are with the right OH are happy, however people who marry someone and have children that the husband does not really want are not. See all the posts about DH’s hobbies, drinking, drug taking, etc.

Happiness, is a DH who helps with the housework, one dog and two Horses!

cosytoaster · 20/08/2019 07:44

I think that you can be happy married and happy single, it just depends on personality and circumstances. However, I hate the way that marriage/coupledom is somehow seen as the ideal and pushed at us from an early age.

Northernsoullover - you probably have the best of both worlds!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/08/2019 07:52

I always think ‘Single’ and ‘Looking’ should be two separate relationship statuses. It’s so frustrating to be single and get the ‘Awwh, never mind, you’ll find someone soon’ comments, as if this is some terrible nightmare I’ll eventually come through rather than a choice. If ‘Looking’ was a separate status, people like me could be left alone to be happily single, and people who do want a relationship can describe themselves in terms of what they want rather than what they haven’t got - so much more positive and proactive than the ‘sad and single’ stereotype.

BlueSkiesLies · 20/08/2019 07:55

I think being in a GOOD relationship is probably better than being single, however an awful awful awful lot of women seem to stay in a shitty relationship out of fear of being single. Which is crazy.

But you’re right, I think I read that statistically single women are happier than married women. Probably something to do with all the arseholes women are putting up with, cooking for, cleaning for, giving up work because hubbys work is sooooo much more important etc

Newbie1981 · 20/08/2019 07:58

All my single friends want to be in a relationship.

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 07:59

It really depends on the person, but also the timing.

I left and abusive marriage and was happy on my own. I met dp through friends and were just friends for a while. I really liked him but also liked not being in a relationship.

We did date a bit, had a 3 year relationship without living together and moved in recently.

I was very happy single. For a good few years. I am very happy with dp given the choice, right now, I would rather be with dp than single

If I never met dp, I may be very happy alone. I never wanted another relationship, didnt look for one. Just met someone I liked and now love. It didnt feel like I was sacrificing my single life to be with him. Just different stages of life

Notcool1984 · 20/08/2019 08:01

I split from emotionally abusive husband three years ago, and I LOVE being by myself (and with my kids). I have never had a yearning for a man. I have loads of close female friends that I hang out with when kids are with their dad, a fulfilling career and brilliant DC. When I remember back to being trapped in a relationship with an angry man who criticised everything I did, that was the worst of times x

x2boys · 20/08/2019 08:03

It depends on the person I was single for all of my 20,s until 31 unhappily single with no children i m much happier now with my family .

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2019 08:27

Newbie1981 of course they do, because society relentlessly tells them you can't be properly happy unless you are one half of a couple, particularly if you're a single woman.

Its not until you become one half of a couple and realise that being one half of a couple is largely a crock of shit for women that you realise that society sold you a tall story.

I am just grateful to have been able to extricate myself from coupledom with minimal blowback for my lovely DD.

Toneitdown · 20/08/2019 08:32

Some people are happy and some people are unhappy. I'm not sure how much correlation there is between them being single/coupled up and them being unhappy/happy.

I'm very happily married and would not want to be single at this point in my life. That would make me unhappy. That being said, when I was in my early twenties and not bothered about putting down roots and having a family I was very happy being single, probably more so than I would have been in relationship.

So I think it just depends on the individual and the situation 🤷

NewAccount270219 · 20/08/2019 08:37

I suspect you're right that a lot of people are unhappy in relationships but that you're also getting a bit of a skewed view. I'm very, very happy in mine at the moment and so I don't talk about it much - people always talk about their problems more than things in their life that are going well because they take up more of their headspace and I definitely wouldn't talk about what a good place we're in at the moment to a single friend as it would seem so smug and potentially hurtful.

Mumsymumphy · 20/08/2019 08:38

I've been married but am now single and have been for about 5 years (had 1 serious relationship in that time).

I have 3DCs. I am VERY happy being single 😃

I will admit to the odd twinge of loneliness, especially on a Saturday night when the kids are in bed. But the twinges don't last long. And that fleeting feeling of loneliness is nothing compared to the loneliness I felt whilst in the same room as my then husband.

Charles11 · 20/08/2019 08:41

Most of my single friends are unhappy being single. A couple of single friends are much happier because their h’s were idiots.
Most of my married friends aren’t that happy but not unhappy enough to leave. They’ve always said that if they split up, they would be happy being single.
The happiest of my friends are those in happy marriages with lovely dhs.

Bobbindobbin · 20/08/2019 08:42

I’m a lone parent, my twins are nearly 9 and I made the decision to stay single until they were teenagers. That’s only 4 years away and to be honest I love my life, I’ve brought up my twins completely alone (since birth), along with working and think ive done a bloody good job. I really really don’t want a man ever again. I love being single

NameChangeNugget · 20/08/2019 08:44

Couldn’t disagree more.

If you’re in the right relationship, I think you get the best of both worlds.

I feel sorry for Velcro couples. That would suffocate me though

MarshaBradyo · 20/08/2019 08:46

No there’d be a mix some lonely, some wanting a family

Probably changed by age - easier say in early 20s having fun with friends, harder at other ages if life doesn’t match what you want

JacquesHammer · 20/08/2019 08:49

It’s too simplistic to say that.

Some people are happier in a relationship, some people aren’t.

The whole “people in a good relationship are so much happier than single people” is nonsense though. You can only apply that to yourself, not extrapolate it to apply to others.

See also “you’re probably happier single if you’ve been in a rubbish relationship.

Society needs to start seeing single as a valid life choice.

Aposterhasnoname · 20/08/2019 08:49

Not in my experience, my single friends all want partners and some are suffering badly with their mental health because of it. But I guess it kind of depends on circumstances. I was far happier single than I was with first H, but I’m happier now with 2nd H than I was single IYSWIM.

madcatladyforever · 20/08/2019 08:51

I am sooo much happier single OP. I spent both my marriages being a maid of all work to two lazy twats and being upset all of the time because of their behaviour.
Now I can do what I want when I want and wake up in my own bed with the whole day ahead to do what I want.
I have lovely friends and if I wanted to have sex I could do so. I have lovely long term male friends my age who don't want permanent relationships who I'm sure would oblige but I don't miss it or the constant whiny pestering.
I can choose what holiday I want to go on and I can plan for my future not have some idle idiot spending all my money and getting the sack all the time.
Dont have to suffer someone elses BO and bad breath either.

MorrisZapp · 20/08/2019 08:59

I'm one of the many women who secretly yearns to be single, partly because of all the potential 'sausage'.

Living together is half the cost and is lovely and secure. But it can become more of a working relationship than a personal one when kids are in the mix.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 20/08/2019 09:07

My mother was single for 25 years. She claimed she was happy. She then met her now partner who is a fantastic man, treats her well. Is just great, and now she says she is really happy. I think if everything if functional and working being with someone to share the good and the bad times who is on the same page as you, will make you more happier. If you have only had shitty relationships, being alone will seem so so much better, because it is. Having someone dependable and good though, is life changing.

dollybooo · 20/08/2019 09:21

I was very happy single, loved having a stress free life ( all of my exes caused me stress ) ..... I was happily plodding along until I met the absolute love of my life 💖 He now adds to my life.

I totally agree being single is & can be a happy life, if you are content with your own company that is .... and when the one arrives - you will just know. It's better to be single than couple in an unhappy relationship I agree 100%.

So yes I was very happily single too, so I get where you are going with your post OP.