AIBU to ask my ex to feed my fish, now I have a boyfriend?

[Stella8686]

My relationship with my ex ended 5 years ago. Little one was 8 months when he left, we got back together for a few very unhappy months until I discovered he was cheating. I never want him back. Fast forward to now and we are friendly, I was always pleasant to him in front of my daughter and over time and co-parenting we are friendly. That is all. He has a long term girlfriend (the other woman from back then). I have had a boyfriend since the ex for 2 years, it didn’t work out.

So....
New boyfriend has never met my ex but he HATES him. He hates him for what he did to me and when he messes me about with childcare. I like that he’s protective of me and on my side but he so strongly thinks my ex is a terrible person that it’s difficult for me to mention him (usually only talk about ex when I’m talking about when I do/ don’t have my daughter) but he thinks I’m far to soft on him and that ex takes advantage of my kind nature.

So...
I’ve been in Turkey for a week, my ex has a delivery on his route that brings him near my rented house (just me and my daughter) I asked ex to feed the fish and gave him a key. (Didn’t ask the boyfriend as its 20 mins there and back from his work and we were in a rough patch) but I knew new boyfriend wouldn’t like the fact of the ex doing it. I didn’t tell him, but he asked when I got back and I didn’t lie. Therefore big argument. I’ve been co-parenting with ex for 5 years. I’ve been in this new relationship 7 months. I’ve apologised for being disrespectful to new boyfriend. But he can’t understand that I would even talk to the ex nicely, never mind being friendly/ asking for favours. To me it was just a ‘he might as well make himself useful’ favour but to him it’s giving him access to my house and trusting him.
The ex is obviously going to be in my life for a while and I thought we were co-parenting well but maybe I’m being too friendly and making new boyfriend feel insecure.

So....
Very long (sorry) story short
Was I being unreasonable asking my ex to feed my fish?

Your new BF sounds possessive imo. If you have a child with someone you generally don’t get the opportunity to cut them out, it’s not how it works. You will always have to communicate with your ex and your new BF needs to accept this. He shouldn’t date someone who already has children if he can’t accept the contact with the ex.

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. I would end the current relationship and continue focusing on yourself and your DD.

Saw the update
Dump him now. So many red flags.

Oh yeah.

Dump him. Run as far as you can, I don't see how that behaviour is going to improve at all!

Oof, yeah. Dumpity dump dump.

Wow - that update

Honestly, he sounds horrid.

Jesus Christ, those are all classic moves. He's laying the ground work to really amp up his behaviour. The reason he commented on the length of your shorts has nothing to do with how posh his upbringing was, it's to make you second guess yourself and put you in your place. Please do not move in with him.

Read up on the cycle of abuse. Of course this incidents are spaced out, if he behaved like this all the time from the outset, he wouldn't have had a chance with you. Eventually they will occur more frequently and escalate.

I notice you have already downplayed the fact he is abrupt with your daughter, blaming it on her tantrumming (apologies, I can't remember the exact words you used). He is not a nice man. He will continue to grind you down and isolate you and terrify your child.

Also, you are already modifying your behaviour for him. What if the video from your ex was an important message about your daughter? (I assume he she was in your ex's care while you were away?) You waited two hours to open it in order to appease him. You didn't tell him about your ex feeding the fish to avoid conflict and now he's using that as ammo against you.

I can't be the only one who is scared of your new partner from your descriptions! Jeez.

Run. Your ex will be your daughter's father for a lot longer than he was ever your boyfriend. Your new partner is pushing a narrative (terrible ex is the worst person on the planet) that allows him to exert more power over you than the reality (daughter's father is responsible parent).

You deserve better than this, and so does your daughter.

He's made comments of women he doesn't know, when we are out and about. 'How do people get so big?' 'Look at the state of her'

Then dump the objectifying twat's arse just for this alone.

Let alone how he is twisting your relationship with DD to be all about him. Your update about his reaction to the video of DD singing on your holiday is ... chilling.

Yep. So many red flags its like a parade!
Please don't expose your daughter to this man any more. Maybe he's immature. Maybe he's just a dick. But maybe he's really a controlling asshole. (My vote).
How dare he say that about the video of your daughter especially! All the rest without that are terrible and I wouldn't stay with him for those but that suggested a jealousy far beyond anything even remotely reasonable. He'll be jealous of the attention you give your daughter

And imagine a man saying those things to you DD? You'd throw him out the house right?
You deserve better and frankly you don't sound that keen on him anyway! Dump. I bet his reaction is extreme though so maybe do it in a public place (hope he hasn't got a key? Maybe change locks just in case?)

Get rid of the bf and get a long- term fish feeder block for your tank . Two problems solved !

Hi, not been on MN long so don't know if this is too late to do an update but...

I kept things going with NP and the red flags just kept coming.

I've broken up with him this week

FOR GOOD!

definitely a controlling arse of a man 😤

He thinks he's one of the good guys too! FFS!!

Well done for breaking free, it sounds like you're well rid of him, especially since you have a child.

Well done for trusting your gut 👏👏🍾xx

So many red flags 😩

He kicked off on one after a phone call from ex

We'd been away at the weekend, DD had chicken pox so I felt awful leaving her (but it was all booked meeting up with a friend for an event in London)
Anyway she was with ex and then my mum over the weekend.
Ex let me know how she was Friday night on the train. Text him sat morning then rang my mum sat evening when she was back with her so I could talk to her.
Monday morning before I'm about to leave for work (got back late Sunday night) ex rings to see how DD is. I grab the house phone and go upstairs to talk to him then jump in the shower. NB comes to say bye and leaves for work. I can tell he's a bit off but I think 'ok he's not going to make it a thing'

Get a call to my mobile from him in his car,
"I can't believe you answered it, and then you THANKED HIM for looking after his own kid! He's a shit father he does fuck all, if he cared he would have had her all weekend, not given her back to your mum"

I said can we talk about this later, as DD was there with me.

Got a load of messages that day and I can't keep doing this with him.

I have a lot of other concerns about some things he's said/ done and he sent me a message saying

I don't think this is going to work out.

My initial response was 'no it's not' and to agree and get out while I could.

All weekend HE brought up my ex. Then accused me of ruining the weekend by having him have to be part of it. I was hungover and ready for sleep and he brought him up 'when I asked him if he was ok'
Proceeded to council me on how I needed to be tougher and not let him 'call the shots' that I should really think about getting a legal childpayment plan in place through the courts then I'd 'be in control' and he'd have to submit all his info to them. Seemed like he's been spending WAY too much time thinking and researching it.

Should clarify

Myself and NB went to London fri-mon

Ex had DD fri night/sat day time
This is normal arrangement

Ex takes DD back to mine to stay with my mum

DD started with chicken pox on the Monday before I went

I think, deep down, that you know what to do.
I am sorry. You’re worth so much more.

Aggh

We went to London
Friday evening came back SUNDAY evening!! 🙈

Well done

Well done, stay strong.

Your current boyfriend bases how he feels on what you have told him. Why you would give him ammunition to make life less smooth I have no idea. You’ve caused this so you have to resolve it

Fabbychix
I can't seem to do anything right in his eyes. I've known NB 10 months. I have to co-parent with ex for a long time.
I'm almost always agreeing with what NB says in regard to his assessment of my ex. But he wants me to behave differently towards my ex.

More confrontational, less amicable. That's not my personality. I've told him that.

And I flat out refuse to use my DD as a pawn in a point scoring battle with the ex.

What part of that is fuelling him/ wrong!

OMFG!

I am not making this shit up!

I haven't heard from him since Monday.

He rings me at 11.15 I don't answer.
He sends me a message
"I'm so sorry, I miss you, I love you, please take me back"

Expected

I reply

Really don't think it's going to work out (more text, personal)
If you want to call me I'll answer.

So.....

He calls me and after talking for 5 minutes of 'I'm so sorry' he has to tell me something...

He's been on a FUCKING DATE!!!!!!

Tonight! And has rang me straight after as the date made him realise how he'd had rather have been out with me instead!!!!!

WHAT AN ARSEHOLE!!!!

I said how do you go from a fight on Monday to a date on Friday. I said you must have been sending pretty fun flirty messages.

No, it's someone he works with who has been in love with him for a while?!? And he thought he had feelings for but has realised he doesn't

Actually does that sound like bullshit? As I'm typing I think he's bullshitting me.

Gone. Bye. Lucky escape. God help his next victim.

🤯🤬😱😵

wtf...
Please block him and don't take him back.

I am so glad to hear that you and your dd have escaped and that you have seen his true colours. Good luck to you both.