AIBU to ask my ex to feed my fish, now I have a boyfriend?

[Stella8686]

My relationship with my ex ended 5 years ago. Little one was 8 months when he left, we got back together for a few very unhappy months until I discovered he was cheating. I never want him back. Fast forward to now and we are friendly, I was always pleasant to him in front of my daughter and over time and co-parenting we are friendly. That is all. He has a long term girlfriend (the other woman from back then). I have had a boyfriend since the ex for 2 years, it didn’t work out.

So....
New boyfriend has never met my ex but he HATES him. He hates him for what he did to me and when he messes me about with childcare. I like that he’s protective of me and on my side but he so strongly thinks my ex is a terrible person that it’s difficult for me to mention him (usually only talk about ex when I’m talking about when I do/ don’t have my daughter) but he thinks I’m far to soft on him and that ex takes advantage of my kind nature.

So...
I’ve been in Turkey for a week, my ex has a delivery on his route that brings him near my rented house (just me and my daughter) I asked ex to feed the fish and gave him a key. (Didn’t ask the boyfriend as its 20 mins there and back from his work and we were in a rough patch) but I knew new boyfriend wouldn’t like the fact of the ex doing it. I didn’t tell him, but he asked when I got back and I didn’t lie. Therefore big argument. I’ve been co-parenting with ex for 5 years. I’ve been in this new relationship 7 months. I’ve apologised for being disrespectful to new boyfriend. But he can’t understand that I would even talk to the ex nicely, never mind being friendly/ asking for favours. To me it was just a ‘he might as well make himself useful’ favour but to him it’s giving him access to my house and trusting him.
The ex is obviously going to be in my life for a while and I thought we were co-parenting well but maybe I’m being too friendly and making new boyfriend feel insecure.

So....
Very long (sorry) story short
Was I being unreasonable asking my ex to feed my fish?

I don't think you should be asking favours of him that are unrelated to DC.
Oh great, we're on to the dictatorial "should" already.
Why not, might I make so bold to enquire?

And you need considerably better arrangements for care of your fish than hoping XP will indeed be passing when he said he would be.
No "hope" involved: a arranged favour agreed by both sides in advance. I suspect that if ex is able to be trusted with his own kids he can mange some pet fish.

New boyfriend isn't covering himself in glory either, but I think the root issue is with you and how you see boundaries.
New b/f is an unmitigated arse.
The only boundaries the OP needs to address are the ones concerning him.

He only fed your fish, OMG why would that matter fgs? New boyfriend is a knob, using a really trivial matter as a stick to beat you with... red flags!

Yanbu. Your new bf sounds, awful tbh.

Starlight57

Yes there are other red flags

The ex also has fish he bought one of those blocks and it made the tank filthy and killed half his fish.

If you can recommend a brand you've tried, I would definitely try it

The ex is a decent (ish) guy in my opinion. He did THE worst thing 5 years ago and broke me, I will never ever be in a relationship with him again, and he was hard work anyway. BUT although it took a while and he's not always the best at co-parenting. He has her most Friday nights- Saturday till 4 ish (and bless my daughter she doesn't want to leave me) when they are together they have a really good loving relationship and that's not easy and she's not always easy.
New boyfriend really hates him tho. He thinks he's playing games and calling the shots and having everything his way. But really I think it's because sometimes I need to run things by him (childcare) or wait to see where I'm picking her up, I'm quite easy going so it's never been a problem. But for him it's like the ex has all this control and power over me (and also him by extension) I think that's what the real problem is. He's pretty much said so in different words. I don't think ex is manipulating it's just co-parenting and scheduling but he hates that "I would let him call the shots" 😬

And yes it's 7 months in and my house my rules but also was deliberately not telling him cos he'd hate it so I'm to blame there

The ex also has fish he bought one of those blocks and it made the tank filthy and killed half his fish.

A fitting metaphor for his entire contribution to your thread, @Stella8686. And I'm only half-joking.

He thinks he's playing games and calling the shots and having everything his way
Yes - he does think this.
He thinks it in exactly the same way he thinks that your ex will go through your drawers & plant spy cameras.
It's what HE wants to do.

Stella, I don't think this one is going to stop until he has consumed you. On the bright side, you are coming across as a woman who is not about to let herself get consumed.
Just please be wary of headfucks like making you report to him, or making you feel that you need to issue apologies for any autonomous act.

While you're feeling that wariness - have my second ever LTB.
I don't much care for LTB because it's reductive & fails to take the complexity & confusion the woman is managing into account. But in his instance ... [shudders]

Look after yourself x

But for him it's like the ex has all this control and power over me (and also him by extension)

YES.
Because he doesn't perceive relationships, he doesn't understand compromise & accommodation.
He is only capable of perceiving transactions, & those transactions are all about who has power & control.
He cannot comprehend a situation where people would comfortably share agency - he has to "own" every situation - because if he isn't feeling powerful, by his logic, somebody else must be. And that cannot be tolerated.

And yes it's 7 months in and my house my rules but also was deliberately not telling him cos he'd hate it so I'm to blame there

No. The only blame you have if you insist on taking any is still being in a relationship with a man you felt you had to hide who was feeding your fish.

Not who you were going out with. Not who helped you in and out of the bath. Not who you went on holiday with. Who fed your fish

Your new boyfriend's behaviour is inappropriate, and actually quite concerning. Your priority is to your DC and it is in yours and DC's best interests to have a cordial relationship with her dad. There may come a time where that changes and if/when it does it is entirely up to you what changes are made and how you move forward. You are the parent and you do what is best for your DC. This new boyfriend is massively overstepping his place. He is not your DC's dad and he doesn't get to stamp his feet and make demands that impact on DC and dad's relationship, or yours and your exes ability to be cordial with each other. I'm afraid he simply isn't important enough, and the fact that he thinks he is - a HUGE red flag.

Any decent bloke who truly cared for you and your DC would butt out and let you get on with it. Of course he doesn't like your ex - frankly I don't either from what you've said. He cheated on you. That was shit. But the fact is that you have a baby together and your new partner shouldn't be making this situation harder for you than it already is. He sounds extremely immature and like he just wants to own/control you.

I'd sit down with him and explain in no uncertain terms that it's none of his fucking business how you and your ex co-parent, you will not have him slagging off DC's dad and refusing for his name to be mentioned, and if he tries to interfere again he will be dumped swiftly. Put your daughter first OP. Good luck with it all xx

Skippign all the shiz (but if pushed, new boyfriend is being a bit of a dick at the very least...)

For a week - you don't need to feed the fish. They'll be fine for a week. Just for future reference.

New bf owns you does he?
Run for the hills

You have a good coparenting relationship at this point. Your boyfriend seems intent on ruining that.

I actually think ywbu. You shouldn’t have lied about it, that’s on you. If you’d have just told him I wouldn’t think it was U. But by keeping it a secret, you’ve probably made it more of an issue than it is.

I think MN is always a bit biased and quick to call men controlling. But think about this: having a partner’s ex in the picture is a difficult situation to navigate. Maybe your new bf isn’t equipped to deal with that but I think jumping to control is a bit premature.

Get rid. He sounds obsessive and controlling. Not someone to be in a relationship with

Just read one of your earlier posts I’d missed R.E. hidden cameras and ex getting a key cut. He’s warned you there on what he would do. Change your locks and look out for any new things in your home.

You shouldn’t have lied about it, that’s on you. If you’d have just told him I wouldn’t think it was U. But by keeping it a secret, you’ve probably made it more of an issue than it is.

She didn't lie though. In a previous post I referred to it as lying by omission but it wasn't even that. It wasn't even keeping it a secret. The simple truth is, as a boyfriend of 7 months who doesn't live with her, who she arranged to have feed her fish was absolutely none of his business.

Before someone jumps in with the "ah buts" think about the ramifications of an opinion that she should have told him. If she's obligated to explicitly tell him who is feeding her fish, what exactly is she not obligated to tell him about? Presumably nothing. If he is entitled to a say in who feeds her fish, what control is he not entitled to? So a non-live-in boyfriend of 7 months has a right to absolute oversight and final sign-off on any decisions she makes. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You know, even IF you did everything the way your bf wants/expects and ended up isolating yourself from your support networks (which is what all this control is about) - he still wouldn't be happy and it wouldn't end there.

Next step would be "i don't like how men look at you (walking down the St etc), and you'd be coerced into abandoning your normal manner of dress, hair style, makeup etc, any refusal would be seen as you being guilty/complicit in 'wanting attention from other men'.

If your friends give you advice that threatens his control/conditioning of you - they'd be accused of 'interfering' in your relationship and he'd make sure to never make it easy or comfortable for you to continue those relationships.

I don't know why you haven't told him straight already "You're a bf of 7 months, you have NO right to dictate how i parent or run my house....in fact, jog on and don't let the door smack you on your way out"

& to the PP who are protesting that MN is "oh so quick to jump in & call men controlling" - wake the fuck up, sisters:

So a non-live-in boyfriend of 7 months has a right to absolute oversight and final sign-off on any decisions she makes. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Damn right @TooTrueToBeGood.

Current BF sounds very controlling OP. Lot's of red flags to consider.

You need to ask yourself why you are ignoring the red flags.

He has no business hating your ex, your ex is ypur DD's Dad and you have got past the issues with him. Your DD's needs are what is controlling your plans.

This is a low level abusive relationship that will escalate.

You're already doubting yourself, lying to keep the peace. It isn't 'your house your rules', because you've apologised for a decision that you took that has no effect on your BF.

He'll breakdown the relationship with your ex. You'll have issues with your DD over this and he'll then use that against you.

You'll end up a shell of a person.

I've seen it again and again.

Us Women don't need protectors, we can manage our own lives, better than most men. Be your own protector and get rid.

The ex is obviously going to be in my life for a while and I thought we were co-parenting well
This. Its not nice and protective that he hates the ex. You have managed to co-parent with him well and this needs to continue for the sake of your daughter. Him coming in and affecting that, is not good!

Ah the drama…… can smell it a few miles away lol. Ah man yall need to get over yourselves. Bitterness about the apparent other woman give me a break, its clear to see. Probably hates him as of what you have been saying to him, people don’t just get all jealous and bitter over nothing, so that’s on you and should be a better role model for your child not lynch mobbing with the ex. So I think some EQ needs to be injected into this mess. Having to deal with another mans child will be hard also so that wont help matters. Be easy with the protective myth as normal as that is controlling and usually gets worse. The far too soft thing sounds like the beginning he will eventually alienate you from family and friends also. Be careful. You need to educate yourself on abusive men and the likes of the narcissist and the sociopath. Your new Beau is showing red flags already. Hes her dad you got to co parent tell thin sized bench vice to fuck off plain and simple.

You didn’t even lie by omission, if it’s not the first time Ex has fed the fish then it’s a standard arrangement. Presumably boyfriend didn’t ask before you went just in case you asked him to do it.

You need to leave him, being in a relationship with someone who hates her dad for simply existing will be harmful to your DD in the long run.

I'm going to use this message as therapy...

Things he has done that I know have been wrong but at the time I ignored. (I will look at this later when I need to)

I was very happy single and I'm quite cautious but he has been suggesting things and moving the relationship forward at a pace that was a little fast for me.

He asked me 'in a nice way' if I was going to wear shorts to the airport as 'aren't they showing a bit too much flesh' I swear to god MID-THIGH I have shorter shorts than this and he hadn't comment on them. Not sure if he thinks people dress 'smart' for travel. He's been raised a bit more posher and more old fashioned than me. But still!

My ex sent me a video of my daughter while we were away abroad. I waited 2 hours to open it so it didn't go 'ping' ooh from ex better open it straight away because he won't like that ( yes I know! We were away knew a video wouldn't be anything urgent) it was a lovely video of her singing the 'what does a Fox say' ex wasn't in said video. BF went off on one! He sends you a video and you light up, maybe he's funnier that me and I'm not making you laugh like that. SERIOUSLY I was looking at and missing my daughter and said it makes me happy knowing she's having a good time. I talked to her while I was away (obvs ringing him) this was fine.

He hates when the ex rings to talk to DD 'he's interrupting our time'

He's made comments of women he doesn't know, when we are out and about. 'How do people get so big?' 'Look at the state of her'

We didn't have plans one Friday and I was looking forward to a night to myself (my first infant night alone in my own house since moving in 3 months previous) no DD or BF. He said 'I was thinking how about my dad and grandma come through to mine and we all have dinner?' Me drive 40 mins to his house for said dinner. Didn't want to be rude so said I'd think about it. Got a call back about how he thought I'd like to spend time with him and he's moved things around for me and why didn't I care enough to do the same.

There have probably been others and definitely some opinion based ones where it's obvious his opinion is right and also some where he's made 'women' comments about who he works with which he knows I dislike

He has control issues at work

Long post, I knew all of this but he has good points and I'm not perfect. It has all been spaced out too, and as we don't live together I've had a let's see how it goes attitude, but the list keeps getting longer

Just read one of your earlier posts I’d missed R.E. hidden cameras and ex getting a key cut. He’s warned you there on what he would do. Change your locks and look out for any new things in your home.

Yup.

Some awful people give themselves away by their assumptions about other people. A woman at work insisted that my cleaner would be rifling through drawers and snooping - so I learned never to leave anything remotely important unattended in her reach!

I was going to suggest a few little tests, like getting ready for a female friends only night out in his presence and doing your makeup really nicely for it to see what he says...but having read your latest post...

DUMP DUMP DUMP

(What's his relationship with his mum like btw, just out of interest?)