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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my ex to feed my fish, now I have a boyfriend?

77 replies

Stella8686 · 19/08/2019 19:42

My relationship with my ex ended 5 years ago. Little one was 8 months when he left, we got back together for a few very unhappy months until I discovered he was cheating. I never want him back. Fast forward to now and we are friendly, I was always pleasant to him in front of my daughter and over time and co-parenting we are friendly. That is all. He has a long term girlfriend (the other woman from back then). I have had a boyfriend since the ex for 2 years, it didn’t work out.

So....
New boyfriend has never met my ex but he HATES him. He hates him for what he did to me and when he messes me about with childcare. I like that he’s protective of me and on my side but he so strongly thinks my ex is a terrible person that it’s difficult for me to mention him (usually only talk about ex when I’m talking about when I do/ don’t have my daughter) but he thinks I’m far to soft on him and that ex takes advantage of my kind nature.

So...
I’ve been in Turkey for a week, my ex has a delivery on his route that brings him near my rented house (just me and my daughter) I asked ex to feed the fish and gave him a key. (Didn’t ask the boyfriend as its 20 mins there and back from his work and we were in a rough patch) but I knew new boyfriend wouldn’t like the fact of the ex doing it. I didn’t tell him, but he asked when I got back and I didn’t lie. Therefore big argument. I’ve been co-parenting with ex for 5 years. I’ve been in this new relationship 7 months. I’ve apologised for being disrespectful to new boyfriend. But he can’t understand that I would even talk to the ex nicely, never mind being friendly/ asking for favours. To me it was just a ‘he might as well make himself useful’ favour but to him it’s giving him access to my house and trusting him.
The ex is obviously going to be in my life for a while and I thought we were co-parenting well but maybe I’m being too friendly and making new boyfriend feel insecure.

So....
Very long (sorry) story short
Was I being unreasonable asking my ex to feed my fish?

OP posts:

MegaClutterSlut · 19/08/2019 19:47

Yes yabu because you wasn't upfront about it to your BF from the start. You are going to create trust issues imo

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 19:58

Not unreasonable
You weren't disrespectful to him either

It seems like you and the ex have an amicable relationship which is important for your dc so don't let the new man acting like a twat fuck that up

Cassilis · 19/08/2019 20:04

I think there are red flags here. Please don’t be heartened that your boyfriend hates your ex. A mature person would sympathise with you but he wouldn’t go on and on about your ex, especially a boyfriend of a few months!

The objection to ex feeding your fish is one of the first signs of control. If boyfriend was bothered about your fish he would have asked you at the beginning of the holiday if you needed someone to feed the fish whilst you are on hols.

He sounds like a wrong ‘un.

user1473878824 · 19/08/2019 20:04

Well! Hope that helped OP!!!!

KB197 · 19/08/2019 20:06

Not sure what your boyfriend is worried about? Whether he likes it or not you are always gonna have your ex in your life. You asked him to feed the fish that presumably is your child’s pet and you didn’t want it to die when you were away? Your ex was passing so it was easier for him to do so.

You were in Turkey. It’s not like your ex was coming over and you were spending time together? That would be different.

Being civil with your ex is setting a fantastic example to your child. Don’t let your new boyfriend ruin that.

Idontwanttotalk · 19/08/2019 20:20

You were not unreasonable to ask your ex to feed the fish. It's good that you can get along with him well for your DC's sake.

I think your bf is unreasonable to dislike your ex so much based on what you have told him. If you get along well with him then bf shoud accept that. He sounds jealous and unreasonable and I'm surprised you were going through a bad patch when you've only been together for 7 months. I think your bf is going to be trouble and he may disrupt your relationship with your ex. I'd ditch the bf.

Hepburn17 · 19/08/2019 20:39

Never read the post just the title and the answer is yes.

Cassilis · 19/08/2019 20:42

@Hepburn17 well I’n guessing you’re not going to read this post either then. You sound like an idiot.

BlueJava · 19/08/2019 21:07

I don't think you're unreasonable for not telling him - new boyfriend doesn't live with you, it's up to you who you let in. I have to say some red flags on the part of the new boyfriend though - "hating" someone even though he's not met them, controlling you when you can let in who you want... Your ex is going to be around for a while - do you really want the hassle that the new bf seems to bring?

NovemberWitch · 19/08/2019 21:08

New boyfriend is the problem, and his territorial behaviour over who owns you is only going to get worse. Having a relationship with him is going to harm your DD, he hates her dad.
Throw him back in the pond he crawled out of.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/08/2019 21:55

New boyfriend and ex both sound like knobs.

You lied by omission but you shouldn't have had to.

Don't run from one useless controlling knob to another one.

KylieKoKo · 19/08/2019 22:01

I think that if I felt dp was hiding things about his interactions with his ex with me in the beginning of the relationship I'd see it as a red flag tbh. Nothinh wrong with him feeding the fish but deliberately not mentioning makes it seem dodgy when it isn't.

That being said, I think that any long term partner of someone with children needs to accept that the ex will be around and needs to be civil for the sake of the children. If your boyfriend can't do this then perhaps hes not right for you.

Original poster

Stella8686 · 19/08/2019 22:24

I know by deliberately not telling him it's a red flag. He hasn't got kids and we get on great when it's just us. He gets on well with my daughter too but struggles when she's out of control (another red flag but he's not used to kids) I think there have been too many little things adding up recently and I didn't want it to end because of this reason. I've already apologised to him, I was trying to gauge if this was controlling behaviour from him or out of order behaviour from me.

Probably both and more issues as well...
He had potential but we're only 7 months in and he's looking at houses and holidays next year. He always says no pressure and when I'm ready and I've been COMPLETELY honest with him about everything. He asked me if I didn't tell him about the fish, what else have I not told him about, I get it. I told him my reasons but that I understand that it hurt him and made him have doubts and trust. But he also said weird stuff really seriously like "is he good with technology? He could have put hidden cameras in and you wouldn't even know, he probably went snooping through your draws, he could have got a key cut and let himself in while I'm here"
It was an argument and I was apologising so I just sat there a bit dumbfounded but afterwards it just made me think "WTF! Is that where your mind goes is that what you would do?!?"

Sorry, needing to vent, it's not looking good is it *sigh

When guys think they're the good guys and you do too for a while and they're really not

He has a lot of good qualities but a lot of red flags too 😔

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/08/2019 22:30

His aggressive dislike of your ex is nothing to do with him caring about you, it's about dominance and ownership. You shouldn't have lied by omission but you shouldn't have felt you needed to in the first place. Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete wrong 'un to me.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 22:38

I’ve been co-parenting with ex for 5 years. I’ve been in this new relationship 7 months. I’ve apologised for being disrespectful to new boyfriend

Excuse me?
7 months & he already has the almighty gall to dictate to you who you are allowed to let into your OWN HOME to feed your feckin fish?
Already has convinced you that the mere fact of having an ex & liaising with him civilly re: kids etc is disrespectful to Mr High & Mighty?

Worrying signs, OP.

Josephinebettany · 19/08/2019 22:43

He sounds controlling.
I think if you can see red flags it's best to act on them now x

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 22:46

Yes yabu because you wasn't upfront about it to your BF from the start.

Oh do come off it, @MegaClutterSlut.
You say "upfront" as if to imply there's been some kind of sneakery going on.

Since when does a new b/f need to be given the heads-up, let alone requested permission from, jusy because your kid's dad, who you split from 5 ears ago & have an amicable relatonship with, is going to feed your fish?

New b/f doesn't even live at OP's house ffs. It's precisely none of his business.

As Shoxfordian says, you and the ex have an amicable relationship which is important for your dc so don't let the new man acting like a twat fuck that up

New man sounds like an angry little controller. He may not be .. but ... this is a very bad sign, as is the fact that he hates a man he has never met - OP's ex - even tho' OP doesn't feel the need to hate him herself ...

Josephinebettany · 19/08/2019 22:46

Also you shouldn't have apologised for not telling him about ex feeding your fish. It's your home. Nothing to do with him. You were only asking him to do a small favour. The relationship you have with your ex is healthy now and good for your child. Do not let new boyf ruin that.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 22:51

He asked me if I didn't tell him about the fish, what else have I not told him about, I get it

Ah, already, the Spanish Inquisition.
The expectation that you should report to him.
The "dominance & ownership" - as per pp above.

I've already apologised to him,
You didn't need to. Bit I bet he made you feel like you ought to.

I was trying to gauge if this was controlling behaviour from him
Definitely.

or out of order behaviour from me.
100% NOT - & can you see how he is already making you doubt yourself?

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 22:54

"WTF! Is that where your mind goes is that what you would do?!?"

Good instincts, Stella. Trust them.

AuntieStella · 19/08/2019 23:17

I don't think you should be asking favours of him that are unrelated to DC.

And you need considerably better arrangements for care of your fish than hoping XP will indeed be passing when he said he would be.

New boyfriend isn't covering himself in glory either, but I think the root issue is with you and how you see boundaries.

strawberrypenguin · 19/08/2019 23:20

Nope. You didn't do anything wrong. Ditch the new boyfriend. He sounds high maintenence

Starlight456 · 19/08/2019 23:30

Irrelevant to the thread you can buy a vacation block to feed fish while your on holiday.

I think there are probably a few more red flags you haven’t mentioned

mrssoap · 19/08/2019 23:37

No not unreasonable. You didn't tell him cos u knew it would cause grief, which it shouldn't. He sounds controlling and there are too many warning signs here... get out now Is my advice.

lyralalala · 19/08/2019 23:43

I’ve apologised for being disrespectful to new boyfriend.

It is not disrespectful to your boyfriend that your children's father went to your home and fed the family pets. It's the grand sum of nothing to do with him.

But he can’t understand that I would even talk to the ex nicely, never mind being friendly/ asking for favours

He doesn't need to understand it, but he should certainly be keeping his trap shut about it when he doesn't get it.

This isn't just a random ex, this is your child's father. The fact you have a good co-parenting relationship is brilliant! Do not let a controlling man who isn't even great with your DD ruin that

The house/holidays thing is also a red flag. He's pushing you to move n together after 7 months when you have a child that he's not great with!

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