To not want to be spoken to like this?

[plantwhisperer]

Bit of background, DP & I have a 1 year old dog. He's been potty trained now for about 6 months (we don't have a garden so took a little longer than expected!) and pup has been doing really well with going out at set times and peeing then.

DP has a short temper- not physically violent or anything but he will snap at the smallest things, I really really try to actively avoid him getting mad at the dog as it's not the dogs fault and negative reinforcement never helps!

Anyway, pup was due to go out for his lunchtime walk (which is DP's responsibility) and DP was late taking him out by 40mins so pup peed in his crate where he was sitting (crate open btw he just chooses to go in there!)

I'm trying to clean up the mess, dog is covered in piss and manages to shake it on me (ew), the floor and the walls! I suggest to DP that he takes the dog out now and we will bath him when he comes back (as he was due a bath anyway and DP planned on getting him muddy). Instead DP starts yelling at me about how it's my fault, I'm a clean freak and don't need to clean the floor, it's the dogs fault etc etc and that he has loads of work to do.

I snapped as I offered to clean up the place whilst he took the dog out AND bath him afterwards but DP insisted on doing it himself all the while having a go at me as it's apparently 'all my fault'. I told him I'm on his side and he doesn't need to take it out on me but he just doesn't listen when he has a mood swing!

So AIBU in that I don't deserve to be spoken to in that way and blamed just because he can't control his temper? This is quite a small example but has really tipped me over the edge today as he's always losing it with me over small things when I'm either a) not involved in them or b) offer to bloody help him!

If he treats you and the dog this way please don’t ever have kids with him.

He's just apologised for earlier behaviour

Oh, they always do, @plantwhisperer.
And then they do it again.
And it's still your fault.
And then it escalates.
And then you are too ground down, puppeteered, & self-doubting to know whay things are now so awful.

Unless he accepts that he needs help with anger management, agrees to work with a therapist to change his behaviours, & accepts that he is culpable, the sad path above is where you are being led.

They always apologise. Apologies are just words, if he was really sorry he would get help with his anger issues.

@messolini9 An excellent idea! There was that post from the woman who’s partner sprayed cleaning fluid in her cats eyes and she dumped his arse straight away. I was very impressed with that.

There was that post from the woman who’s partner sprayed cleaning fluid in her cats eyes and she dumped his arse straight away

Oh good grief @LochJessMonster.
Where do these raging, impossible, gaslighting men come from? Roll on the matriarchial society ...

You will not believe this- he's just got annoyed by how I scoop ice cream out the pot😫

Yes I would believe that. Dump.

@messolini9 It makes me so sad when I read threads about what woman are prepared to put up with in relationships, from emotional abuse to the partner pretending he doesn’t know how to work a washing machine.
I’d like to think I would never stand for it but it must be so much more difficult when you are emotionally involved in the relationship.

@plantwhisperer straight up ask him why he thinks to ok to be annoyed at that. I would love to know his excuse.

This is why I suggested writing them all down because at the end of the day/week you can show him all the petty things he gets angry about.

Or you can take this as a sign and LTB fingers crossed

Will you spend your time actively trying to stop him getting mad at your future children? Because trust me they will test the very end of your patience.

@LochJessMonster I did say to him that it's ridiculous to get annoyed at me because he thinks I'm doing it the wrong way, he just doesn't understand!

& here, dear Plant, is the absolute kernel of what s wrong with him - & hence your relationship:

it's ridiculous to get annoyed at me because he thinks I'm doing it the wrong way, he just doesn't understand!

He doesn't understand, because it is more comfortable for him to blame external factors than own his emotions & tale responsibility for them.

In his mind, he's not an obstreperous monster who can't control his temper. He's a reasonable man, beset by irritating forces beyond his control to deal with placidly.
He's wrong.
Don't let him convince you otherwise, or place the blame for his insane irritation at your feet.
He actively looks for "reasons" to blame & undermine you. Annoyed by an ice cream scoop? That's so batshit it's almost funny. Except for the sharp & dismaying fact that it's not funny - it's your daily life.

Take care of yourself Plant, & have a BIG cuddle with Ddog tonight xx

It is, @LochJessMonster -
it but it must be so much more difficult when you are emotionally involved in the relationship.

Being lost in the FOG - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt - is all-consuming.
It's more than an emotional involvement, it's a total, almost non-willed state of constant anxiety, self-doubt, & never-ending circles of "what if" & "if I could only " "if he could just see that" & "but he was so nice last Thursday" & "he doesn't mean it really"
Until one ends up with
"If only I didn't annoy him so much" & "I'd better clear up that dog piss before it sets him off" & "Well I knew he'd be angry if I saw Katy so I've only got myself to blame" & "if I just give him what he wants I can stop him exploding" ... until your own life is consumed in an endless charade of appeasement & eggshell-hopping .. & hey presto! he now owns your life.

Noy saying that OP is at that stage, but the signs are there, as are the indications of her starting to accept responsibilty for his outbursts. Which is worrying.
Keep talking to MN for perspective, Plant, & stay strong in your sense of self x

Imagine someone, a friend, a colleague, telling you they had to tread carefully around their partner (you know, the person who should be supportive and kind and treat you as the most important person in the world) because of how they got angry about how the person had scooped the ice cream. How absolutely nonsensical it sounds.

His apology is fake, his actions are telling you, again, that he won't change, unless it is to get worse. Please look at the links people have sent to you, make a plan to leave safely. He is an abusive, violent man and you cannot change him. Only he can change himself and as I've said, his actions show you several times that he won't change and you will forever be working to try and not anger him.

Is that how you imagined living life with someone? Is that what you imagined a loving relationship would look like?

You should only share your life with someone who loves and respects you for what you are. Anything else leads to misery.

Thank you everybody for the support

that's the dogs usual routine and we stick to it actually. It's just today my partner ran 40mins behind (which is no excuse!) hence the peeing indoors.

You'll have this dog for another 15 or so years you will run behind many many times what is your partner going to do with the dog when this happens.
What happens when you have a child and you're up all night you still have to keep to the dogs routine as there is no garden.

Think carefully about having a life with this man.

Why would he sort his attitude out?He's decided it's not him it's you,so you that needs sorting out.And your getting worse.
Is this really the life you want or to waste more years on.?

Oh yes this! ^^

@plantwhisperer my husband was like this. We once had a blazing row (because I didn't back down, keep the peace, walk on eggshells etc) about me blowing my nose on a piece of kitchen roll. He thought I shouldn't have, as he bought it , special expensive kitchen roll, apparently. Please, please think seriously about whether you want to live the rest of your life like this. It took me until I had a baby and was pregnant again before I had the guts to call it a day. And now I'm stuck with him in my life forever. Still trying to control me. Having an influence over my babies. It's fucking awful.

1. Give the dog to someone whos got the patience and love he needs.
2. Never have kids with this man.
3. Find someone who doesn't have a short temper eg. someone who genuinely loves you as if he did he wouldn't keep snapping at you.

It all sounds exhausting.

He does not lose his temper.

He does not have anger issues.

It is his best form of keeping you under control, and it works because you are already doing things to avoid his rage. He has achieved, he has dominance and of course he's not interested in anger managrment, he has that nailed, or counselling, as then someone might poibt out what he's doing, and that simply wouldn't work for him then as he would have to concede to an equal playing field and thats the last thing he wants!

The poor ddog, and poor you. You have my sympathy and I sincerely hope you can break free and keep both yourself and your ddog from any further harm. Hes doing psychological harm, and emotional harm right now to you and the ddog. The ddog and you are in appease mode.

Thats not a relationship, is just appeasing. There's no relationship to be had with someone like this, and he's not a man, so I wont call him one.

This is ridiculous just LTB he sounds like an asshole

just LTB because it’s really that easy? It’s that easy to up and leave the man you love, the man who you have shared such great memories with, shared your life with, who has a sweet and loving side. It’s that easy to leave your house, your home. It’s that easy to just get out a mortgage/shared bills/accounts. To find somewhere else to go. To tell people. To start over. Give up everything you’ve known for a silly argument over ice cream.

^ thats what it’s like for the OP. This decision is going to take time and a lot of strength.

Messolin9 I’ve read many of your posts recently and you consistently give excellent advice. Op, please listen to it.