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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be spoken to like this?

107 replies

plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 14:14

Bit of background, DP & I have a 1 year old dog. He's been potty trained now for about 6 months (we don't have a garden so took a little longer than expected!) and pup has been doing really well with going out at set times and peeing then.

DP has a short temper- not physically violent or anything but he will snap at the smallest things, I really really try to actively avoid him getting mad at the dog as it's not the dogs fault and negative reinforcement never helps!

Anyway, pup was due to go out for his lunchtime walk (which is DP's responsibility) and DP was late taking him out by 40mins so pup peed in his crate where he was sitting (crate open btw he just chooses to go in there!)

I'm trying to clean up the mess, dog is covered in piss and manages to shake it on me (ew), the floor and the walls! I suggest to DP that he takes the dog out now and we will bath him when he comes back (as he was due a bath anyway and DP planned on getting him muddy). Instead DP starts yelling at me about how it's my fault, I'm a clean freak and don't need to clean the floor, it's the dogs fault etc etc and that he has loads of work to do.

I snapped as I offered to clean up the place whilst he took the dog out AND bath him afterwards but DP insisted on doing it himself all the while having a go at me as it's apparently 'all my fault'. I told him I'm on his side and he doesn't need to take it out on me but he just doesn't listen when he has a mood swing!

So AIBU in that I don't deserve to be spoken to in that way and blamed just because he can't control his temper? This is quite a small example but has really tipped me over the edge today as he's always losing it with me over small things when I'm either a) not involved in them or b) offer to bloody help him!

OP posts:
Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 15:17

@dollydaydream114 I'm so sorry to hear your partner was abusiveThanks

He's never been physically abusive before and we've been together for a few years now but he's always had a temper. I stand up for myself and always make him aware when he's gone to far/being unreasonable but it's getting very tiring now!

OP posts:
flashdancer19 · 19/08/2019 15:20

*@flashdancer19 re not having a garden, many people don't have one and manage to fulfill their dogs needs. Our pup goes out every 3hrs for a chance to wee and has an hour's run around each day on top of 10-15min walks.

I was working last night until 3 so slept in.*

Well clearly the dog doesn't go out every 3 hours and an hours run and walks, he's 1 years old and it's already failing!

It's what you thought would happen to meet your dogs needs but it isn't what's happening. Re home the dog to someone who can
meet it's needs.

Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 15:21

@Inthemuckheap I've heard plenty of dog owners refer to 'potty training'- I know it doesn't really make sense but that's what I call itSmile

Pup also isn't a 'puppy' really, he's over a year and a half now but I still think of him as a little pup, he's so well behaved- I probably baby him a bit.

I wouldn't rehome pup as he is perfectly happy here and absolutely ADORES my partner, I would say he prefers him over me tbh despite me being the one who spoils him!

Agree that partner definitely needs to sort his temper out, I've suggested counselling but he doesn't like that idea. I'm dealing with so many other issues as well in my life so I don't need his on top of mine!

OP posts:
Vilanelle · 19/08/2019 15:21

Why on earth did either of you think it was a good idea to get a dog?

This isn't what the OP is asking though is it? Absolutely none of your business whether she gets a dog or not.

A dog in a gardenless home is better than a dog in a rescue.

Rainbowshine · 19/08/2019 15:22

we've been together for a few years now but he's always had a temper. I stand up for myself and always make him aware when he's gone to far/being unreasonable but it's getting very tiring now!

He hasn’t changed
He won’t change
He doesn’t want to change
Why do you think he will change when everything he does shows you that he won’t?

Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 15:22

Also started a new job so it doesn't help to be spoken to like shit when I'm really trying at the moment!

OP posts:
Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 15:23

@flashdancer19 that's the dogs usual routine and we stick to it actually. It's just today my partner ran 40mins behind (which is no excuse!) hence the peeing indoors.

OP posts:
Hotterthanahotthing · 19/08/2019 15:28

Why would he sort his attitude out?He's decided it's not him it's you,so you that needs sorting out.And your getting worse.
Is this really the life you want or to waste more years on.?

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 15:28

Your DP is in the wrong - you don't deserve to be spoken to like shit.
I don't even understand why he's shouting at you.

S1naidSucks · 19/08/2019 15:31

You know his temper is going to get much worse if you have child, don’t you, OP? Be realistic, if he is acting like a bad tempered arse now, what makes you think he’s going going to be any better with a screaming, hungry, shitting baby in the house and all the work involved in looking after it and a dog? Why do you think so little of yourself that you think you deserve this kind of relationship? You can complain on here about his moods and say he needs to change, but the fact you’re even contemplating having a child or indeed staying with a man that treats you like this, suggests that you think this is somewhat normal in a relationship. You deserve better.

NotSorry · 19/08/2019 15:31

Not planning to anytime soon, I would like one in the future though if he sorts his attitude out

He won’t

Chickychoccyegg · 19/08/2019 15:43

you really shouldn't be worried about your dp getting annoyed,and losing his temper! he sounds like a complete arse, i'd be getting rid of him and keeping the dog

Rainbowshine · 19/08/2019 16:02

I've suggested counselling but he doesn't like that idea

There’s lots of resources on the web about simple coping strategies for anger management and he can’t be arsed to do even that and has refused counselling.

As I said earlier, he doesn’t want to change/sees no reason to change/hasn’t changed/won’t change.

You know that it will get worse and worse, don’t you?

CSIblonde · 19/08/2019 16:03

Why didn't you take the dog tho.? You need to change a toxic dynamic. I'd ignore temper tantrums, then have a calm, serious chat when you're both chilled, about why he's losing it over small stuff, ie. stress, anger issues, depression etc. If this is part of a longer,, ongoing history of anger outbursts & emotional abuse & put downs I'd be reassessing whether this is healthy & whether to stay as it may escalate.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 16:12

@plantwhisperer - please read this - I believe there is also a free online version, apologies don't have the link to that but PP here may have one ...?
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2019 16:13

What happens if the dog needs to 'go' and it's not in the schedule?

Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 16:36

@Nanny0gg We've trained him to ring a bell on the back of the front door so he nudges it to let us know usually. He's pretty on schedule though :)

OP posts:
Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 16:36

@messolini9 I've found the online version- thank you! I'll take a read.

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 19/08/2019 16:38

He's going to end up hitting the dog. 100%.

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 16:40

Sadly he's probably going to hit the op as well

TheBouquets · 19/08/2019 16:43

DP is twisted in his way of thinking. This is not good.
As others have said don't have kids with him. The dog needs to be protected from his shouting and ranting or the dog will get nervy and there will be a lot more doggy accidents
Best for all concerned to get rid of DP and keep the dog

Rainbowshine · 19/08/2019 16:47

I don’t think Nanny0gg meant how does the dog go for a wee if it’s not on schedule, more “how does your partner react to the situation?”

Sorry if I have that wrong Nanny0gg

Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 16:47

@LochJessMonster he's hit the dog on the nose before. I went mad and he hasn't done it since.

OP posts:
Original poster
plantwhisperer · 19/08/2019 16:48

Fuck I'm so torn right now, I wish I knew you guys in real life as I'm sure it would be easier to do the right thing then!

OP posts:
TooManyPups · 19/08/2019 16:48

@plantwhisperer could you teach pup to use a litter tray for incase of emergencies like one of you running late... Works better if he is a small dog... But I managed to get both my husky and wolf dog to use a litter tray when we were in a different property and had no outdoor space...
No advice on manchilds temper though but I don't think you're unreasonable for being annoyed at being spoken to like that
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