To not want to be spoken to like this?

[plantwhisperer]

Bit of background, DP & I have a 1 year old dog. He's been potty trained now for about 6 months (we don't have a garden so took a little longer than expected!) and pup has been doing really well with going out at set times and peeing then.

DP has a short temper- not physically violent or anything but he will snap at the smallest things, I really really try to actively avoid him getting mad at the dog as it's not the dogs fault and negative reinforcement never helps!

Anyway, pup was due to go out for his lunchtime walk (which is DP's responsibility) and DP was late taking him out by 40mins so pup peed in his crate where he was sitting (crate open btw he just chooses to go in there!)

I'm trying to clean up the mess, dog is covered in piss and manages to shake it on me (ew), the floor and the walls! I suggest to DP that he takes the dog out now and we will bath him when he comes back (as he was due a bath anyway and DP planned on getting him muddy). Instead DP starts yelling at me about how it's my fault, I'm a clean freak and don't need to clean the floor, it's the dogs fault etc etc and that he has loads of work to do.

I snapped as I offered to clean up the place whilst he took the dog out AND bath him afterwards but DP insisted on doing it himself all the while having a go at me as it's apparently 'all my fault'. I told him I'm on his side and he doesn't need to take it out on me but he just doesn't listen when he has a mood swing!

So AIBU in that I don't deserve to be spoken to in that way and blamed just because he can't control his temper? This is quite a small example but has really tipped me over the edge today as he's always losing it with me over small things when I'm either a) not involved in them or b) offer to bloody help him!

So he’s hit the dog?! It will be you next, if you had a baby could you trust him to care for them with his temper?!

@plantwhisperer Oh OP, the fact that I knew that from one post is a worrying sign. MN is so quick to shout LTB but that's because we have an unbiased view, we don't have the emotional connection you feel to him, we just know what happened in that circumstance and have seen it escalate so many times before.
You don't have to LTB but its no way to live. Something needs to change.

@LochJessMonster Thank you, I was scared to admit it as I thought everyone would think I was an awful person for not leaving, it's so much harder than just saying 'LTB'.

I don't know what to do.

he's hit the dog on the nose before. I went mad and he hasn't done it since

& he won't do it again until the next time.

Keep reading the Lundy Bancroft, OP.
Your poor young dog - & poor you.

Funnily enough, when the scales were starting to fall from my eyes about my own (ex) Angry & Controlling Man, the fact that he sent our sweet-natured, innocent young dog to Coventry for 2 days because he was in a mood about being pulled for some of his more toxic behaviours was a major contributing factor.

Ddog didn't know what he'd done wrong, & was turning himself out trying to connect with & appease Ex.

Much - & please forgive me for stating this very directly - as you have been doing, with your A&C Man.

That's not your fault - these men set up up for it & we end up not knowing our arse from our elbow.
But your RESPONSIBILITY is to yourself & Ddog now.
I don't see how you can stay with this volatile, blaming, counselling-refusing man. Please don't let Ddog, or yourself, be exposed to him for much longer.

The temper & verbal abuse are just the start of it.
The more you take, the more he will dish out.
He refuses to accept responsibility for himself & his actions - so maybe it's time for you to take it upon yourself to put your & Ddog's wellbeing first.

LTB is easy and seems so obvious to us but of course its not that simple.
Has he tried anger management?
Can you write down every time he loses his temper over say a month then show him it. Make him realise how much he is shouting ta you and over such little things. That may shock him into doing something.
Other than that, the only thing I can suggest is every time he starts shouting you just walk out. Don't say a word. Take the dog for a walk without engaging. Then when you come back and he has calmed down, ask him why he thought that was appropriate.

(Disclaimer, I'm not an expert and have never been in this situation so I have no idea if that will help but it seems like a good starting point)

Fuck I'm so torn right now, I wish I knew you guys in real life as I'm sure it would be easier to do the right thing then!

Who do you have to talk to in absolute confidence in real life. @plantwhisperer?

If you feel it might be helpful to pm I'm happy to hear from you ... & will do my utmost to steer clear of the reductive "LTB" although I must advise you I now have zero tolerance for the kind of domestic fuckwittery your OP is displaying!

Blaming others for the results of your own actions is the behaviour of an emotionally immature person. It points to an inability to accept that he is a flawed individual. My guess is he views you as an inferior person to him; somebody who is there to service his needs, rather than a person in your own right, who has emotions and needs of her own.

If I am right, none of this is likely to change without therapy, and he doesn’t want to go to therapy..... Even if you were to talk him into going, personal change is hard, and therapy can only work if he is committed to it.

How likely is it that he will truly change his mind on therapy?

How much of this can you put up with?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his whipping boy?

Can you not sit down with your partner and explain...

1. You were late to take the dog out for his walk
2. The effect was that the dog then urinated on the floor
3. In the future can you take the dog out on time!

Hopefully he'll then see that it was his fault, not the dogs.

With regards to his behaviour...

1. You kicked off about the dog urinating on the floor to me and the dog
2. The effect of this is it's scaring the dog, and I'm now walking on eggshells trying to avoid anything that will set you off.
3. In the future can you think before you kick off, or explain why you're upset.

Leave him. Take the dog with you.

He sounds a git!

Not planning to anytime soon, I would like one in the future though if he sorts his attitude out.

He won’t. Don’t do the cliche of thinking you can change him. Kids make everything more difficult and everyone more tired. Any problems in a relationship get massively emphasised. This will get worse, not better.

If your idiot partners attitude is getting tiring why are you still with him? Do you want this forever?

My ex was left sharpish when he kicked the cat for pooing in a pot because he'd not cleaned her tray. I'm now with a much lovelier man, who loves animals and we have tonnes of pets.

He won’t change. I keep repeating it to help you see that.

He’s getting worse. He was verbally abusive before. It’s now physical abuse. Towards an animal that cannot defend itself against his violence. You had to tell him to stop, he didn’t do that for himself.

Do you need someone to tell you to stop being angry, abusive, physically violent?

No = normal person who realises it is not acceptable and walks away or calms themselves when getting wound up.

Yes = this is arsehole behaviour and it won’t change.

Your “D”P is an arsehole, and won’t change.

as he's always losing it with me over small things
So hows that walking on eggshells working out for you? Not very well at the moment.

absolutely ADORES my partner
No sorry the dog is trying to not get yelled at again, by getting on the good side of your partner, or also walking on eggshells. This is not fair on the dog. The dog has no escape route. You do, you are the human adult. You always have the option to leave. If you dont want to leave then rehome the dog.
And it's a matter of time til your partner wallops the dog and then you.

This is why the RSPCA won't allow people without gardens to adopt a dog. I know you mean well and love your puppy, but this is pretty miserable for him. Dogs need freedom, not having to live in a small crate, wait to poop and then get shouted at when they can't wait. Let the RSPCA give your poor puppy to someone who can look after it properly, please.

Irrespective of the dog, your partner is a wanker, ffs smell the shit quickly and run.
Nobody should be trying so hard to stop their partner from losing their temper.
There should be no torn about it, you know what to do to gin some self respect and confidence.
Good luck with moving on quickly.

Okay, so was he expecting the dog to grab the mop/bucket and clean up after itself...?

Your dog pees in its crate because that's it's safe space. Sounds daft, I know, but... there we are. Your dog is also very susceptible to tension between you and your partner - so the arguments? May well be why it's (a) taken so long to house-train and (b) why your dog is soiling its safe space.

My exh was aggressive verbally and lifted his foot several times at ddog. Missed but tbh the damage was done..
Ddog is 10 and still has issues.
Before long you will have a ddog with aggression and behavioural problems.
Your ddog is likely favouring him out of fear.... Seeking approval and reassurance..
Soon that will become cowering or baring of teeth.
I reported a friend when her dh was abusing their ddog because she stood by and did naff all.
It was taken away the next day....

I'm going to hazard a guess he manages to control his temper at work.

You don't have to up and leave right this second. Feeling ready to contemplate it and then act on it is a process.

This might help though in the meantime: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

They won't tell you to leave, but they can help you make sense and see the things we are.

Yeah wait until your baby projectile vomits on him or pees on him while he's wearing a new suit then the shit will really hit the fan with the Incredible Hulk as daddy dearest

absolutely ADORES my partner

That's because dogs are pretty much programmed to love their humans, even if the humans are arseholes who abuse them. The fact that your dog still adores your DP makes his behaviour worse not better. He's terrifying a creature that would literally fight wolves to defend him, and then blaming you for his arseholish tantrums. If you aren't going to end the relationship at least rehome your dog, the poor little dude deserves to be with people who make him feel safe and happy.

@Summerunderway That dog was obviously undergoing sustained abuse. Op said her partner hit the dog on the nose once- something that until recently was actually encouraged by dog trainers.
noone’s taking the dog away ffs

Woman is in the start of an abusive relationship and pp suggest getting rid of her dog

Look, do you think he just going to change and stop these outbursts, because he isn't. He will always be like this, and this will always be your life. Get rid and take the dog with you.

@LochJessMonster thank you

He's just apologised for earlier behaviour (I've been ignoring him all afternoon and staying out his way).

I would say he prefers him over me tbh despite me being the one who spoils him!

Or he’s afraid of him

Woman is in the start of an abusive relationship and pp suggest getting rid of her dog

This pp suggested she gets rid of DP & keeps the Ddog. Far more sensible & conducive to her mental wellbeing.