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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that teaching children to share is daft?

124 replies

virginpinkmartini · 17/08/2019 16:07

Maybe not in a communal play situation, where the toys/ treats etc are not theirs alone to begin with. But to demand child A to give up their toy/ treat/ turn to child B because 'sharing is caring' makes no sense to me. I, as an adult, am not obligated to let my friends borrow my shit, so it's not a life 'skill' that follows you through life. Also, it feeds into the entitlement that I've seen displayed by children (and adults tbh) who insist that they are owed a turn/ a stake just because another individual has something nice they like. I think children should be encouraged to be kind to others, and explained to why exactly its nice to hospitable, but not forced to if they don't want to. Your property is your own and it should be respected.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 17/08/2019 16:09

We always worked on the basis that it was absolutely fine to have her own toys she didn’t have to share. These were put away before play dates, anything else in her playroom was fair game.

SarahAndQuack · 17/08/2019 16:14

I never thought about it like that, and I see where you're coming from.

I think I'd sometimes encourage DD to share, but you're right, there are times when it's probably better to say 'no, these are yours and only yours'.

I've very occasionally come across parents who tell your child to share with theirs, and I do get a bit raised-eyebrow about that (I don't mean when it's something like turns on the swing, I mean like the person who told my DD to share her chocolate buttons with her toddler. Erm, actually ... no!).

Original poster
virginpinkmartini · 17/08/2019 16:17

@JacquesHammer that's a good system. What about if one child wants to play with something the other one has? I teach my DC to assume they aren't getting a turn, and if they DO get a shot, then Brucie Bonus. I don't tolerate entitlement.

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 17/08/2019 16:19

So if you invite someone to visit you at home, do you not share your furniture with them, your food, your drink? If a child has visitors, its polite for them to share their toys. I suspect they'd not be too happy to have to sit and watch another child play without being allowed to join in on a visit to someone else's house.

Fine to put away special toys when guests come over, not fine to invite others over if you cant treat them well.

TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 16:23

I feel the same about sharing. We do the same as @JacquesHammer wrt special "non-sharing" toys.
In terms of expecting sharing - if we're somewhere with communal toys then I encourage my kids to wait their turn and if someone has had a toy for ages they will ask if they can have a go. They'll either get a turn or lose interest and find something else. If we're at someone's house then I always say "they are X's toys and they don't have to share if they don't want to so find something else to play with"

QueenOfPain · 17/08/2019 16:23

I am sometimes reminded of something that happened when I was little, my younger brother and I had both got a Milky Way chocolate bar, my (very grabby) Auntie insisted that we both share with her son, and halved our bars and gave him half each of ours, so my cousin ended up with a whole Milky Way, and we got half each of our own chocolate that we’d arrived with.

Even as a very small child I was well aware of the huge unfairness of it.

museumum · 17/08/2019 16:27

You do have to share to be a hospitable host though. Otherwise why invite guests over. You can’t have them sitting in the corner not allowed to play with the hosts toys. Also I let most of my friends borrow books from my shelves or dvds or whatever.

Lou573 · 17/08/2019 16:28

It’a a tricky one isn’t it - we take sand toys to a big sandpit for example and are swooped upon by the children without any, so my dd doesn’t actually get to play with them often! Luckily she’s pretty laid back about it and happy to let them. Probably better at sharing than most adults, myself included!

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 16:28

Definitely daft! It’s not a concept that is transferable to adult life. There’s this general feeling that if it belongs to a child then everyone has the right to borrow it. Clothes, toys etc.

Fuck that!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 17/08/2019 16:31

YANBU it’s awkward when my kid shows an interest in something another child is playing with and their parent stops them playing with it so mine can. He was just looking! I always say they should keep playing with it, otherwise surely my children would learn they just get whatever they want even if someone is playing with it already 🤷🏻‍♀️

minibroncs · 17/08/2019 16:33

Is your objection to children being taught to share or to children being taught to be a doormat with poor boundaries?

SnuggyBuggy · 17/08/2019 16:34

It does seem like a lot of people who ask a child to share are being entitled, like someone too cheap to buy their own inflatable on holiday and asks someone else to share theirs.

Indecisivelurcher · 17/08/2019 16:35

We were in a pub garden for lunch earlier, dd4 and ds2 had carefully selected some toys to take and were enjoying playing. 2 other kids asked to play with their toys. My Dd wasn't keen. The other kids then came to me and asked me to make my children share. I wasn't sure what to say! What i came out with was 'no sorry, I know it would be nice if they wanted to share but these are their toys from home so it's their choice'. The kids then reported back to their parents and I got dagger looks. I did question whether I'd done the right thing. But my dc were happily playing. If I had tried to force my ds2 to share, I would have had to physically take his toy from him, and how would that have been right?! Dd4 yes ideally I'd like her to have involved the other kids in the game, but she's not great with people she doesn't know and she didn't want to. My forcing her to do things usually doesn't work and also doesn't encourage her to be more outgoing in the future.

Original poster
virginpinkmartini · 17/08/2019 16:36

@BarbariansMum of course you share with your guests... Through choice and because you want to. If I invited my friends round and they started raking through my cupboards or got pissed off because I didnt want to open my birthday champagne on a weekday... Then that's a different story. The idea is that to place the obligation on kids doesn't teach them to be good people.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 17/08/2019 16:36

There is a balance.
Sharing is teaching them to be considerate of others, to play nicely along side peers, if they have a child over for a playdate it is not a communal area, it would be mean to refuse to share.
I would never except the DC to share their favourite toy, I expect them to share others with their guest.
We all need kindness, help and offer when it doesn't always suite you, the world would be a shit place if we all lived by "My life my rules" I hate the "whi cares, My life my rules attitude

CassianAndor · 17/08/2019 16:42

Yes, sharing in general is good but not everything has to be shared, and you should respect someone’s wish not to share something in particular.

We also moved very special things from DD’s room before a play date.

eddiemairswife · 17/08/2019 16:42

We had some friends to stay with their 3yr old daughter; she was 10 days older than my son. She brought some of her own toys with her, but my son was not allowed to play with them. When he objected to her having his toys he was told he was selfish.

redexpat · 17/08/2019 16:43

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AvengerDanvers95 · 17/08/2019 16:43

I think this more applies to smaller children, when visiting children are likely to be there because the mothers or fathers are friends rather than as a playdate. If your child is old enough to have guests in their own right then, other than hidden special toys, I would expect them to share with their guest and be hospitable.

I certainly wouldn't expect them to 'share' their own personal toys with some random kid when out and about. The parents who allow/encourage their kids to ask for a turn are cheeky fucks.

Kplpandd · 17/08/2019 16:45

I dont expect mine to stop playing with something in order to share. But if they're not playing with something then I think it's fair enough to let someone else use it.

Grimbles · 17/08/2019 16:46

So if you invite someone to visit you at home, do you not share your furniture with them, your food, your drink?

Yes, but I dont let them eat from my plate or drink from my cup!

ivykaty44 · 17/08/2019 16:46

Indecisive- where were there toys? The children that wanted to share your dcs toys? I bet they didn’t bring any, as they didn’t want to share there toys 😏 I’d have asked them what had they got to share in return....

Sparklesocks · 17/08/2019 16:47

I guess it’s because it’s important to teach kids to share and look out for each other, but there aren’t many tangible examples you can show them. Toys though - they understand and so can grasp the concept of sharing and so it’s a good way to learn about it. Of course it’s more complex than that in real life, what it means to share as an adult is not the same as a kid - but that’s harder to convey.

NavyBlueHue · 17/08/2019 16:47

Totally agree OP. It’s weird to teach kids to hand over things just because someone else wants it. Teach them to be nice & kind but not doormats.

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share

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