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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that teaching children to share is daft?

124 replies

virginpinkmartini · 17/08/2019 16:07

Maybe not in a communal play situation, where the toys/ treats etc are not theirs alone to begin with. But to demand child A to give up their toy/ treat/ turn to child B because 'sharing is caring' makes no sense to me. I, as an adult, am not obligated to let my friends borrow my shit, so it's not a life 'skill' that follows you through life. Also, it feeds into the entitlement that I've seen displayed by children (and adults tbh) who insist that they are owed a turn/ a stake just because another individual has something nice they like. I think children should be encouraged to be kind to others, and explained to why exactly its nice to hospitable, but not forced to if they don't want to. Your property is your own and it should be respected.

OP posts:

ethelfleda · 17/08/2019 20:10

Your post makes sense OP.
Instead of forcing child A to hand something over to child B, I think it is better to try and teach a bit of empathy and then Child A can decide (or not) whether they hand a toy over or not.

Cautionsharpblade · 17/08/2019 20:16

Always makes me laugh when a woman says ‘share your toys’. It’s a different story when you try to fuck her husband.

OutComeTheWolves · 17/08/2019 20:53

@JacquesHammer I'm stealing that idea. It's great!

YobaOljazUwaque · 17/08/2019 21:16

Children are naturally selfish and need to be guided towards living less selfishly.

Demonstrating that if you share your stuff and other kids share their stuff with you, everyone benefits, is a good first lesson.

As with pp - we ensure kids know that extra-special things don't need to be shared and can be hidden away for playing with when alone.

frenchknitting · 17/08/2019 22:09

I see what you are saying, but I mainly disagree. 90%+ of the conflict in my house comes from a 2yo wanting what his 5yo brother has, or vice versa. It is an endless battle of "he snatched", "I had it first", "It's mine anyway". If you don't enforce some obligation for kindness as well as aiming for fairness then it would be a battle to the death.

Dieu · 17/08/2019 22:11

I agree with you, OP and even now I fucking hate sharing my food.

Kazooboohoo · 17/08/2019 22:23

I can't imagine bringing a cake at work and tell my coworkers that they can stare at it but only I can eat it and they can gauge how tasty it is from my facial expressions!

But that's a bad analogy. If you've gone to the trouble of baking a cake then taking it in presumably you did so with the intention of sharing it, not just taunting your co-workers with it.

That's a world away from a child who takes their favourite toy to the park, then a random child demands to play with it and shouts "Mummy that boy isn't sharing" (meaning, "Mummy I want to play with that boy's toy and I am being denied")

I think food analogies PPs have used (eg would you give your friend a cup of tea if they visit) are flawed. More like, you take your lipstick into work because no time to make up at home, all your co-workers (none of whom have their own lipstick) demand to use it, and go whining to the boss if you say no.

Tylee · 17/08/2019 22:28

I agree with that article someone posted upthread. If you teach a child that they can demand a toy and it will be forcibly wrenched off the child it belongs to and handed over to them to "have a turn", you're just teaching them a way to wind up their siblings and cause endless battles you then have to adjudicate.
The rule in our house is that if you're playing with something, you get to play with it for as long as you want and no one can take it off you. But if you're not playing with something - or finish playing with it - then it's fair game. The obvious exception to this rule is things one-year-old DS might hurt (paper books and DD's pictures) or things that might hurt DS (choking hazards).
I tried the 'special toys you don't want to share' idea, but DD just said she didn't want DS to play with 'anything'. She was only two though, so maybe I should try again now she's a bit older.

Tylee · 17/08/2019 22:35

I think inviting a child over for a playdate means inviting them over to play with your toys. The closest adult analogy I can think of is inviting someone over for the evening and then making them watch you play Guitar Hero or do karaoke and not letting them have a turn. Or making them sit and watch your and DP play a board game and not letting them join in. There's no point inviting a child over for a playdate and then not letting them play.
I agree with pp who said that children are much happier to let their friends play with their toys than they are some random child who's come over because they're Mummy's friend's kid. I never have any problems with sharing when DD invites her own friends home from nursery. But I often do if I invite one of my friends over and expect the kids to just get along.

Heartofglass12345 · 17/08/2019 23:01

No my kids are told they have to wait until the other one has stopped playing with it and they can have a turn. Unless the other one has a huge hoard of the same toy (eg trains) and is only playing with a couple and still won't let the other one play with the rest, then I make them share. If it's a favourite toy I explain it's a special one and if they persist it gets put away until later.

jennymanara · 17/08/2019 23:06

I think children have a right to their own possessions. If having a friend over to play they need to decide what is okay for them both to play with, and what gets put away out of sight.
And no way does a random child get to "share" toys with my DCs that are their toys.

MonstranceClock · 17/08/2019 23:07

No my kids are told they have to wait until the other one has stopped playing with it and they can have a turn

This!
So many times I have seen a poor kid have a toy wrestled out of their hands and given to another kid because thats "sharing". We're talking about doormat kids in this thread but I think it's more doormat mums. They're so scared of causing any sort of conflict that they will take toys of their own kids to give to others. When it's the other kid who should learn to be patient and wait their turn.

M0reGinPlease · 17/08/2019 23:08

Had a very interesting discussion on this at a child protection training recently, where we were told forcing children to share can be exploited by groomers and that actually it's better all round to teach your children that some things (special toys... and I guess ultimately their bodies) are theirs and they don't have to share them. Besides all of that, sharing is extremely hard for small children to understand. I think you can teach children to be polite and courteous and about turn taking and sharing communal things (e.g. the swings at the park are their for everyone to enjoy) but if my DD didn't want to share a special toy, no bloody way would I force her to.

Bibijayne · 18/08/2019 06:37

We had a communal box of Duplo as kids @MonstranceClock - and my DH says his family had a similar set up. So there are some toys that are communal.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 18/08/2019 07:12

I teach my DC they have to share with each other and with guests, they also have to share with children we are with when we go
out. I always explain to them why we share and that they would like the other child to share if the circumstances were reversed. I expect sharing of other children in similar circumstances.

Randoms, no way. I a

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 18/08/2019 07:15

... I always stop them taking random toys laying around when they clearly belong to someone else and I wouldn’t dream of letting them approach an unknown child to ask for a turn of their toy.

I have, however, witnessed another child basically try to push my DC off their scooter so they could have a turn while their mother did nothing. Another time a child took my child’s bike and rode it around while she cried about it. I meekly said she was just taking a turn and we have to share but I felt really bad about it. The other child’s parents did nothing and I really should have told them to get off the bike. It’s so hard to get the balance right sometimes.

WhyTho · 18/08/2019 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FireBloodAndIce · 18/08/2019 07:31

So many times I have seen a poor kid have a toy wrestled out of their hands and given to another kid because thats "sharing". We're talking about doormat kids in this thread but I think it's more doormat mums. They're so scared of causing any sort of conflict that they will take toys of their own kids to give to others. When it's the other kid who should learn to be patient and wait their

Yes but surely you should set a time limit if it's a playdate? Or are you referring to a child taking their own toy to playgroup/park? In which case it's theirs so they have no reason to share as other kids aren't invited.

Some kids ideas of taking turns on playdates is to play is for half an hour not 5 or ten minutes. My dcs special toys go away on a playdate, but he'll often hoard one and refuse to take turns for a long time, so i make him take turns and explain that next time that can be a special toy (it's never chosen to be as it's a random toy he hoards). Each then gets a go. Luckily friends are likeminded as their kids sometimes hoard too, so my dc see it as fair they are all treated the same.

YouJustDoYou · 18/08/2019 07:33

I go by the ethos that what goes in adult life so it should with kids. An adult doesn't HAVE to share if they don't want to - certainly not with strangers. If an adult's friends come over and the adult doesn't want to share their favourite cup, for example - cool. It's their cup. But if they won;t share ANY cup/food/chairs etc (examples, as adults don't have "toys" so much!), they can expect to look like dicks and probably won't have friends for long.

If children still decide not to share with friend's who come over, that's up to them, but they can't expect those same friends to want to share with them if they ever go and play with them. Etc.

FireBloodAndIce · 18/08/2019 07:37

On the xbox example, i hope it wasnt a birthday or christmas gift as it's used by all family and the dc can't say no. That would be a special toy here, we would encourage sharing by demonstrating that if you do share others will with you, but not demand.

Winsomelosesome · 18/08/2019 07:48

Think I have to disagree. DS(11) and his friends all share . They all play out together and he'll often come in with an ice cream or sweets from the local shop because his friend chose to share the £2 his mum gave him. Next time I'll give DS £2 and he'll buy his friends sweets or a drink. On a recent flight the family in front of us offered DS some of their treats which I thought was kind. My job involves a lot of CPD and we're heavily encouraged to share our learnings with colleagues, so we share our knowledge. Sharing is not always a bad thing and is different from being forced to hand over a favourite toy for example.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/08/2019 07:49

I'd argue if you have to hand something over to someone else whenever they want to use it then it's not yours.

M0reGinPlease · 18/08/2019 07:58

Sharing is not always a bad thing and is different from being forced to hand over a favourite toy for example.

Your son is 11. He has a whole different level of understanding and he sounds like a lovely child. Sadly, the example above is how many parents of toddlers believe they are 'teaching' their child to share.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 18/08/2019 08:12

I agree it's a balance.

Share and be kind with your siblings, keep a few selected just to yourself, share with your guests (or why bother having guests!), but no, you don't have to share with random strangers if you don't want to.

i don't share my car or my phone, my kids don't have to share their toys.

Trebla · 18/08/2019 08:17

I got better at advocating for my kid with each subsequent child. I went from making my first immediately give up something they were playing with when another child showed interest to now saying to the other child "(my child) is playing with that just now, you can have a turn when they are finished" and then offering another toy. Often kids hold onto something more if they are asked to give it up. By modelling to my kid a) they have a right to continue, b)stating they dont have to give up til they are ready and c) having their back, they often get bored with the thing in minutes anyway.

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