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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that teaching children to share is daft?

124 replies

virginpinkmartini · 17/08/2019 16:07

Maybe not in a communal play situation, where the toys/ treats etc are not theirs alone to begin with. But to demand child A to give up their toy/ treat/ turn to child B because 'sharing is caring' makes no sense to me. I, as an adult, am not obligated to let my friends borrow my shit, so it's not a life 'skill' that follows you through life. Also, it feeds into the entitlement that I've seen displayed by children (and adults tbh) who insist that they are owed a turn/ a stake just because another individual has something nice they like. I think children should be encouraged to be kind to others, and explained to why exactly its nice to hospitable, but not forced to if they don't want to. Your property is your own and it should be respected.

OP posts:
CedarTreeLeaf · 17/08/2019 16:49

It's not about the toys. The toys are simply used to teach a child to take turns. This is an important life lesson so they know how to take turns at work, such as letting another person speak. If they don't learn how to take turns, then they will probably be ostracised and have fewer friends, connections, etc.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/08/2019 16:49

@eddiemairswife That was mean.
I would never bring a favourite toys for this reason.
They learn eventually if they want to swap toys they have to share.
As long as the parents are mature, some give dagger looks and make it an issue.
We map their ideas.

HappyDinosaur · 17/08/2019 16:54

I find this quite a sad thread, perhaps if more people chose to share things the world would be a better place. Lets face it many of us probably have too many things we don't need or use anyway. Bit idealistic I know and I'm certainly not the perfect sharer or anything, but it has made me think.

Indecisivelurcher · 17/08/2019 16:56

@ivykaty my kids were playing with their toys from home in the garden area around the picnic bench we had eaten at. The pub garden overlooks a small airstrip so my kids had bought toy planes to zoom around while they watched the real ones coming in to land.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/08/2019 16:58

I obviously don't want my DC handing over a favourite toys to a random in the park.
I do want them to see acting kind to others goes a long way, appreciate what they have, it is the same as giving up your set on a bus, helping someone with a buggy, yes I am aware a kind heart can get hurt more, I try to teach them to look after themselves but dont forget others.

Yabbers · 17/08/2019 16:59

Of course it is good to teach children to share.

Your example in adults is ridiculous as it’s not like you go round to play with your friends. But let’s just say you have an x-box and your mate who is also a gamer is round, would you sit and play a game without offering them a go?

Or would you take bottle of wine to a friends house and not expect to share it? Would you sit with a packet of biscuits and not offer them round?

Sharing is a social expectation. Teach it to your children.

AlbertWinestein · 17/08/2019 17:01

But teaching a child to share is about sooooo much more than belongings. It teaches them empathy, patience and how to be a decent host for start.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 17/08/2019 17:05

We have an extended family member who has raised her DD to have a fairly entitled view of sharing. I’m reminded of the saying what’s yours is mine and what’s mine’s my own.

I get the first go on your swing because I’m the guest
I get to choose what we watch on TV because I’m the guest
I get to ride your bike because I’m the guest. You can use the scooter

I have a special mummy voice that comes out when she visits.

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2019 17:05

We always worked on the basis that it was absolutely fine to have her own toys she didn’t have to share. These were put away before play dates, anything else in her playroom was fair game.

We always did this too @JacquesHammer.

Anything not to be played with by the other child went up on top of the wardrobe.

If my DC changed their mind and wanted to play with it, then it was fair game for their friend to play with it too.

I think that's how most playdates work really.

Ellie56 · 17/08/2019 17:15

I have a special mummy voice that comes out when she visits.

What does the special mummy voice say Ali1?

Minai · 17/08/2019 17:15

Yanbu. I think it’s a strange concept that toddlers and small children are expected to share all the time.

We were at the park a few months ago and my then 18 month old had taken his scuttlebug. A girl of about 5/6 kept trying to take it and it was upsetting him. She was persistant (and kept trying to stand on it) so I told her he didn’t want to share his toy. She marched over to her mum and shouted ‘that little boy isn’t sharing nicely!’ The mum kept looking over, tutting, shaking her head and I could see her talking to her friend about us. I don’t see why my son should have to share his own toy with another child he didn’t know (who was much too big to play with it anyway)

Lillyhatesjaz · 17/08/2019 17:17

My parents always insisted on sharing things like sweets I definitely ended up sharing things with school friends I didn't want to. It took me a while to realise they didn't share back. But the expectation for me to share was there, to the extent I would hide any treats from my lunch box to eat in secret. I have taught my children that they can keep things for themselves, while still encouraging them to take turns with swings etc. My DS is too nice and has some times had to be encouraged to stick up for himself.

MarxandMarzipan · 17/08/2019 17:20

Whilst I think it's fine to teach children it's "nice" to share, we should also teach them it's ok to say no.

swingofthings · 17/08/2019 17:23

What @Yabbers said. Most normal adults do share but it is because we've learnt to do so that we don't even realise that we do.

I can't imagine bringing a cake at work and tell my coworkers that they can stare at it but only I can eat it and they can gauge how tasty it is from my facial expressions!.

Or go to a concert in the next town with my neighbour, order a taxi, get in and tell neighbours that I hope they get home ok and I'll see you the following day.

Sharing without thinking is what makes us sociable individuals and that is a skill we learn from childhood. Well most adults!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 17/08/2019 17:24

Minai, absolutely. I've been to the park loads of times with my children with planes or kites or similar toys. I don't make them share because the toy invariably ends up broken by other kids or they run away with them or get them stuck in trees. Fuck that.

You share and take turns on toys at playgroups. You hide your good/breakable toys on playdates.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/08/2019 17:24

I find that the people who complain about others not sharing with them are invariably the ones who never bring anything to reciprocate with. They're the cheeky fuckers who take other people's lunches from the work fridge or expect free lifts or childcare whilst never returning the favour.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/08/2019 17:26

Of course reciprocated sharing is a good thing. But allowing people to take take take? That's not what I call sharing.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 17/08/2019 17:26

Special cheery mummy voice says things like.

Ooh you’ve had a long go on the swing X. It’s Y’s turn now.
that was a good idea for a game X, Y’s turn to pick one
And No. you can’t play in mine and DH’s bedroom

I can handle her, and tbf it’s not her fault - she’s been allowed to get away with it. But I don’t need to be on top of DD’s friends in the same way.

Caxx · 17/08/2019 17:28

One of my friends makes her 3 kids share everything ie child comes home with a chocolate lolly thing not very big he has to let his sisters each have a bite he gets the 3rd final bite

Soubriquet · 17/08/2019 17:29

I used to believe in forcing my kids to share but then I thought...well hang on, if someone demands my clothing, or my car I don’t hand them over. Why should be child do it with their favourite toy?

Since then, they have the choice.

They are not allowed to be selfish though.

So no demanding sharing from other children if they aren’t willing to reciprocate.

Saltisford · 17/08/2019 17:29

I agree with all the posts so far when it comes to personal possessions. As a teacher though, the problems I see are when children have no concept of sharing at school when the items do not belong to a particular person. I’m thinking toys, stationery, books, when playing group games. Some children believe the things they’ve selected are theirs... it can be quite ugly! Often if it’s toy day, I will reinforce the fact that children do not need to share their personal toys with random children if they don’t want to but mostly day to day we are dealing with school-owned items. Learning to share in communal situations will prepare children for school and life in general.

Embracethechaos · 17/08/2019 17:34

Jumping on this thread, I felt a little uncomfortable in the playground with my husband and 13 month old not sure we did the right thing...was I being unreasonable?

We arrived and there were some unattended, toys, little cars and a ball. My child picked up the cars and I looked around to see who it belonged to. Wasn't obvious. Thought she would lose interest but she kept hold of them... later a girl was nearby so I asked if her toys, she said yes, asked if it was ok to borrow, she said yes. But she seemed shy and probably wasn't confident enough to say no...At this point I thought of taking toys off baby but she probably would have got upset and we'd have had to leave, as she's too young to understand.. .
Later she passed me little cars so dh distracted I gave back. She was looking for them saw child holding sat next too and stared...

Objectively I'd have been more happy to not have her play with other children's toys without permission but was trying to keep the peace. What do you think?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 17/08/2019 17:35

Absolutely what Saltisford has said. I teach Reception and it can be such a difficult concept to try and teach when our resources belong to everyone. I agree that children don't need to share everything, but sometimes it's an essential life skill and finding the balance between the two starts when they're little; when they have friends over teaching them to take turns, making sure they understand that somethings are for sharing (sweets) and some things might not be. It begins at home, though.

Soubriquet · 17/08/2019 17:36

That video clip of Michael reminded me of the time when my poor dd was just over the age of 2.

I had my newborn ds with me, so I was letting her off on her own at playgroup whilst keeping a close eye on her.

I suddenly heard screaming as I was trying to feed my ds to discover two girls had pinned my poor dd into a corner and was trying to take a toy off her.

I shot across and shooed them away only to hear them go whinging their mum that “that girl isn’t sharing”

I got a glare from mum and I gave her a glare right back and said loudly “it’s ok dd. You don’t have to give the toy to the girls until your finished.”

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2019 17:37

I've lent clothes to a friend, my car to a colleague, lawnmower to a neighbour. I've had a holiday home loaned to me, borrowed cooking equipment, books, records, used someone's shower when the heating went off..... all willingly, no good if forced.
Everything now is me, me, mine. It doesn't make a healthy life