To think that teaching children to share is daft?

[virginpinkmartini]

Maybe not in a communal play situation, where the toys/ treats etc are not theirs alone to begin with. But to demand child A to give up their toy/ treat/ turn to child B because 'sharing is caring' makes no sense to me. I, as an adult, am not obligated to let my friends borrow my shit, so it's not a life 'skill' that follows you through life. Also, it feeds into the entitlement that I've seen displayed by children (and adults tbh) who insist that they are owed a turn/ a stake just because another individual has something nice they like. I think children should be encouraged to be kind to others, and explained to why exactly its nice to hospitable, but not forced to if they don't want to. Your property is your own and it should be respected.

My DS1 is used to sharing with DS2. Recently he went on a school trip with some pocket money. Afterwards, he told me he gave half if it to his friend who wanted to buy something in the gift shop. (This friend is quite pushy and I regularly hear him asking his mum for things)
I told him that whilst I know he was being kind to share his money he should also be wary of doing this in future. I pointed out that the amount he gave him was equivalent to 2 1/2 weeks pocket money which he earns doing jobs at home. And I thinking forward to secondary school where he might be pressured/bullied into handing over stuff/money.
I was raised to share. I was also raised to people please, not cause ‘trouble’, and generally allow people to walk all over me. Subsequently I became prime for abuse in relationships and friendships. Now when these situations arise I use them to try to teach my kids that their body is their own, their money and property are their own, their time is own. They should protect their stuff, their bodies and their emotional wellbeing because unfortunately there are some people in this world who want to abuse us. They can choose to share their time, stuff (and body as adults) with people who they like if they feel comfortable doing so but should not feel obligated to do so. They should have boundaries.
Yes things and places can and should be shared as a community. But personal items and personal space is different and they can be taught the difference over time.

I know people are saying toys at groups should be shared but too many times I've seen child A pick up a toy then child B cones along almost immediately and tries to take it, so an adult comes along and takes the toy from child A and tells them to share - but they only just picked it up! As a first time mum of a young baby who's not overly assertive (me, not the baby!) I'm not sure if it's good to jump in and say child A just picked it up (teacher, so used to not undermining colleagues in front of children).

We don't go on play dates if children don't share their toys. What on earth is the point of my child being there?

Before we have a play date at our house I ask my child if there's anything special they want to pop away. I don't expect them to share every single toy and anything special goes in my room which is out of bounds.

But the vast vast majority is for sharing- the same way our house is regularly shared with friends- food, furniture, heat, water, family life.

There’s a time and a place. I tend to ask my 3 year old if there are toys she doesn’t want to share and then put them away. Everything else is fair game if she has friends to play. I wouldn’t expect her to share with random kids when out and about. I’ve seen children at the swimming pool demand to share other children’s toys like woggles and balls and I don’t think that’s fair.

I'm kind of in two minds on this one. I hate it when children are told to share the moment they pick something up but also feel they need to know how to as well. I think there needs to be a balance.

I have three children one who's kind of balanced will share certain things but has stuff as her own. My middle son wont let anyone use anything of his he has asd and pda and I swear he wouldn't throw his cup of water over me if I was on fire because it "his". Then my youngest is the polar opposite and I have to stop him giving away everything he has. If he has money he will spend it on everyone else. I worry more about him than the selfish one.

I think a good test of whether something is 'communal' in a family is whether you would buy 2 or more of them. E.g. trampoline = communal, XBox = communal (in my house anyway), bike = personal, tablet = personal etc. In fact our Xbox was not a gift to either child but they do have some games each that I make them share because there's no point in having 2 copies of Lego Harry Potter, it doesn't make sense. Of course if it's a birthday present the birthday child gets a decent shot at it before the other child is allowed a turn.

SallyLovesCheese

taking something from a child's hand is not sharing! It's just rude, I would say something, what kind of adult dares grabbing something from a little one's hand! (I know some do, but I don't let them!)

Sharing would be using a train each on the same train track, or using the same play kitchen with your own pot.

Yeah there's a little girl in my kid's school who is taught that she doesn't have to share her stuff. It's meant to make a stronger woman or some crap. Nobody plays with her or goes to her parties.

She had this horse riding party last year and nobody RSVP'd. She invited kids from 3 different year groups. Nobody RSVP'd because our kids don't like her and the party would be unbearable. Nobody came except her minion friend and they had to basically recruit random people attending horse riding to join in.

Minion mother told me what happened as she tried to guilt us for not coming. I told her straight that we don't want our kids to be treated as hers is by this insufferable child.

People who never share as adults are considered inhospitable/tight/ungenerous/unsocial. I do think little children need to learn to share - and that sharing has benefits in friendship/fun etc. Obviously they need to learn boundaries and they shouldn't be taught to be a doormat, but not teaching to share at all isn't the answer.

YANBU OP. It's a hard one to balance out. When I was a child, I was made to share everything,no matter what, lest I become spoilt - it was very much the issue of the day amongst my mother's mum friends, looking back. In reality, what this meant was that one or two extremely bolshy children got the lion's share of everything, while the rest of us were left with scraps. Even when adults are supervising children, they can't always police play to the extent where they can tell who has had the longer turn, or the most sweeties. It's petty to us, but fairness is so important to children - they control so little in their own lives.

So often the sharing isn't reciprocated either - my nephew cuts through my children's toys like a knife through butter, but when we visit him at his own house, he screams, snatches and hoards his toys. We tend to not invite children like that upstairs to the DC bedrooms to play, instead the DC decide which toys they don't mind sharing with snatchy children, and they stay downstairs to be played with. I won't tolerate bad manners and meanness on the DC part, but nor do I see why they should have their own toys, some of which they saved up for themselves, wrecked and snatched by children whose parents seem unable to enforce basic manners themselves.

So yes, there's a time and a place to share, but it shouldn't involve automatically giving up everything to the demands of others. I'm sure it's contributed to some of the entitled behaviour I see around me. You only have to look at some of the DHs complained about on MN. Men who have no concept that their partners may deserve to have items, money and space that is just for them.

I work with young children and sharing is a regular issue. Obviously they are all playing with communal toys so not the issue of sharing their own. However, a lot of children come to me complaining that X won't share, but what they actually mean is X won't give me that toy right now that they are busy playing with. I don't make X give it up right away but I do encourage the first child to ask X if they can have a turn when they have finished and then I keep an eye on them to make sure X isn't hogging the toy for the whole session and intervene if necessary to say to X that they have had it for a long time now and its time for someone else to have a turn.

Nobody RSVP'd because our kids don't like her and the party would be unbearable.

and Kewlwifee you cannot at the very least have some manners, be polite and decline the invitation because...?

That's what I meant, at least some of the people invited said they weren't coming. Many of them made false excuses but I just said we weren't coming.

Yeah I shouldn't have said we didn't RSVP, we did (some at least) but declined the invite. She knew she wasn't going to be having a lot of people from the school.

Reading this thread makes me really grateful for my local playground. I always arrive with a bag of cheap toys (bucket spade bubbles ball etc) and lay it on the ground and it's a free for all. Most other parents do the same and all the toys end up returning to their rightful owner in the end. There are some kids who don't have toys and to be honest i wonder if they have parents, so they definitely get to play with our toys. Sharing is just that, its not an exchange. You don't give to receive. On a hot day at the playground an ice cream van comes but there is also a supermarket round the corner selling multipacks for the price of one van ice cream. Parents will buy the multipacks then hand out the rest to the other kids nearby. Its one of the nice things about living in a community. I would hate for the meanies to come along and spoil it with their "mine" attitude. This is a good opportunity to teach the difference. No you can't go grabbing toys out of other kids hands. Wait your turn. Yes theres room for one more. If you aren't using something that someone else could use then why wouldn't you share?

Where do you live @Neoflex, Neverland?! Sounds like an idyllic imaginary place where ice cream is free for all and unicorns ride around the playground.

No one is saying it's not good to be kind and generous, of course it is. But I think going back to the OP's original point, is that forcing children to share all of their personal possessions is not necessarily right.

@Neoflex

People often think I'm delusional when I speak about the community minded philosophy my family and friends practice.

Where I live sand toys in the sand pit are seen are generally seen as communal too, with parents only scooping them up when the DC go off to play on the climbing frame/home time.

It's not about the actual stuff, it's about taking turns, kindness to others and thinking of others. Young children are very self centred and it's a way to show them how to see others as well as themselves. It's similar to not leaving other children out of games and including everyone. As an adult you wouldn't hang out with people you didn't really get on with and do activities with them either. There are a few things that you wouldn't do in adult life, but are useful things to learn as a child, as they're about the bigger picture and growing up to be kind, thoughtful and unselfish.

Moregin, agree you shouldn't claw a kids toy out of their hands to give to someone else. It's not Neverland, it's actually a city centre where most people don't even have balconies, never mind their own gardens, so the playgrounds are pretty full and people make the best of what green spaces we have. I guess sharing this space has brought out many other sharing qualities in people. Although people have hung up sheets on the fences spray painted with "this is a park, not a toilet" and "don't wee against this fence" so it isn't as idyllic as i described either.

Adults hang out with other adults they are not keen on all the time. Birthday parties for a friend where you are unlikely to like everyone there, work dos, lunches with colleagues, extended family events, even going out with someone you care about plus their partner who you might not like.
Unless you rarely socialise outside your nuclear family, then socialising does often involve being with people you really like and some you may not be keen on.

I think learning to share is an important part of learning social interaction. No one likes a selfish or mean adult and it’s part of being a good host to give freely without expectation of it being returned.
There has to be boundaries too though and I let DD know that while it’s good manners to share as a host that doesn’t give people the right to just take her stuff.
I’ve had to ban next doors kids from DDs bedroom because they’re always taking her stuff then saying she’s spoilt when she’s asks for it back. Learning to say no as well as learning to share are both equally important imo.

Sharing is important but with boundaries and self respect. That is what we have always taught ours. No they don’t have to give up a toy they are playing with, but yes they should consider letting the other child have a go when they are done.
I don’t invite children round to play if they are unable to share or play cooperatively. Despite hints from their mums. If their mums haven’t taught them how to play kindly and appropriately and therefore get along with others, why should they upset my child through their own lack of understanding of appropriate social behaviour?
Likewise, I am appropriately generous with my own friends but won’t be thanklessly giving or generous with the ones who are CF and don’t know how to share or give back themselves.
Sharing and generosity is a life skill. But of course as with everything, it needs boundaries.

Children don’t have to share everything no.
I never demanded my dc shared their precious favourite toy with anyone - I taught them that some things are their own personal possessions and if they want to share them fine, if not, that’s also fine.
Sharing sweets I did encourage though, it’s just good manners to share food & drink.

I agree with PPs who say that balance is key. Maybe to some posters I've come across in my OP that I think all sharing is bad, but I meant to say ENFORCED sharing is counterproductive and borderline mean-spirited. I think it's lovely when a child voluntarily gives another child a turn, and it's good to remind your child that it feels great when someone displays kindness towards them, so its good to return the favour. A PP mentioned upthread about how not establishing boundaries regarding sharing etc could be a safeguarding issue... And wow it makes a lot of sense. If children are made to feel like they don't have autonomy or boundaries, especially when adults can just take their personal possessions and hand them off to someone else, then the whole 'sharing something to make someone else happy/ gain approval' can 100 percent be abused in a grooming situation 🙁