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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When to dive in and rescue them.

109 replies

Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 09:54

I feel very frustrated my son is leaving home. I would be very happy for him, but for one thing he has enrolled on another academic course. I’d like him to do well, I’d like him to come home and report just one success, but there hasn’t been a single success since August 2016. I have enjoyed having him around, but it is very disheartening being his mum.

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 19:32

You need a lot more than a talking stick to improve your communication...

Start from the beginning. Explain what his education has been like for the last few years. What is it he wants to be? And what does he need to achieve in order to be that thing?

Where is he going wrong? Does he just not try? Or is he just not suited to academics?

What does his leaving have to do with anything?

How do you handle things? I'm guessing your family life is always confusion and shouting and arguing?

Em308 · 17/08/2019 19:33

Why aren't you proud of his tenacity to achieve his goals by sticking at something which is obviously difficult for him? He's trying his hardest to succeed at his dream, that should be supported and applauded!

BogglesGoggles · 17/08/2019 19:34

Just leave him alone. If he can’t even pass A levelscwhat exactly are you proposing to do by jumping in? Leave him to make his own decisions.

gamerwidow · 17/08/2019 19:36

A talking stick is a stick or object that you pass around so the everyone gets a chance to say what they think. It is good for improving communication when everyone is shouting and no one is listening.
It isn’t though because all anyone’s doing is waiting for the timer to run down and they get their turn. It gives the illusion of people listening which isn’t the same as actually listening to each other.
Try to taking to your son and just listening. Not on the clock, not pushing your agenda, just listening without judgement or comebacks. Ask him what him wants to do, let him suggest how he will get there.

FenellaMaxwell · 17/08/2019 19:36

People understand what you mean by talking stick OP - we all did ‘Lord of Flies’ at school, we get you’ve got the conch, blah blah blah. People aren’t asking what it is, they are asking why on earth you can’t just have a normal conversation with your son?

Ravingstarfish · 17/08/2019 19:37

It is good for improving communication when everyone is shouting and no one is listening.
There’s two of you, if you can’t manage a conversation without a ‘talking stick’ you have more problems than you think

Witchinaditch · 17/08/2019 19:38

This is very confusing.

Poppi89 · 17/08/2019 19:39

I think sometimes you need to leave people to make their own mistakes. Tell him you're proud of him that he's trying hard to achieve a good education and you're there to support him if he needs any help with his current studies/changing paths. Most people would have given up by now so just try not to put too much extra pressure on him.

HangryPants · 17/08/2019 19:41

IS HE DOING A DEGREE?

BooseysMom · 17/08/2019 19:44

@Poppi89 is spot on. All you can do is let him get on with it, don't push him one way or another. He'll find his own way and will be glad of your encouragement and support when he needs it

VenusTiger · 17/08/2019 19:56

I understand your post OP. So your son is redoing the same A Level - if you think his part time job is taking time out of his studies then suggest he give that up and get through his exam.
My A levels were really much harder than my degree imo so I understand.
You need to chuck that stick up the garden though - that’s a bit full on for a teenager - too rigid. If you have one to one discussions with him then surely that’s much better for him - he doesn’t need his whole family making him feel frustrated and useless - family meetings to discuss his work must feel like he’s performing on stage!
Chill out, discuss it with him and him only and suggest he does his retakes without the job.

Original poster
Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 20:01

Foundation degree. He won’t pass if he keeps his doing his job, so the job has to go, but he has got so used to having money he won’t stop the job. All his friends are doing degrees. He wants to join in the fun get a degree have money, but he doesn’t have time to do a degree and work. The Foundation Degree is funded by Student Loan. If he gets moved onto the degree all well and good, but if he gets his Foundation degree and then wants a degree at some point. He won’t get tuition for his final year £10,000 short fall.

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 20:03

What is a foundation degree? I thought you said it was a chemistry A-level?

Original poster
Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 20:04

Wow! Good point!

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 20:07

I googled. A foundation degree is equivalent to the 1st and 2nd year of an honours degree.
So he has finished high school and is now at uni doing a foundation degree, which is basically 1st and 2nd year of uni. Once he gets that, he can go onto work in the field or continue onto the 3rd year of the degree if he gets accepted?

So, how long has he been doing the foundation degree? How long does he have left? Is it the job that's making him fail or does he go out a lot? I work 25 hours a week whilst I was at uni, but I spent the rest of my time in the library.

TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 20:08

*worked

FatThor · 17/08/2019 20:09

So he has got past A levels then despite what you said earlier and is in fact doing a foundation degree.

FatThor · 17/08/2019 20:12

Although in first post you said he has enrolled on another course suggesting he is starting again on a new foundation degree? Is he going to a different uni, hence the leaving home?

This is ridiculously complicated when it needn't be, how about starting again from the beginning...maybe with bullet points?

We might be able to advise if we can work out what you are on about!

TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 20:15

She's been asked to start from the beginning and write simple, clear points. She ignored that. I don't think she actually knows how to be clear.

Original poster
Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 20:16

I have encouraged him to try BTEC or access. His friends are going so he is. It is the job that has to go, but he can’t see it. I will keep talking to him.
Maybe he can stop the Foundation Degree after the first year. That way his: Four years tuition fees; five years maintenance grant that they are entitled to may be managed like this:- if he stops after a year he will still have three years tuition left if he needs it later.

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 20:21

Why would be stop after a year!?!?! Then he won't have anything. No qualification. He has started a foundation degree so he should finish it. Get a qualification under his belt. He can get a job with that, or continue in and 2 the other 2 years of an honours degree.

Do you actually have a clue what he is doing? It doesn't sound like you know is anything. You first said he was stuck on A-levels and had enrolled on something knew, now it's a foundation degree but you want him to abandon it. You won't answer any questions or start at the beginning and actually explain anything so this is just a total wind up

TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 20:23

And now my posts are full of typos! He just find you very infuriating.

What is it he is studying?
When did he start studying?
How many hours a week does he work?
Is he actually smart enough to do the course? Does he have the brain for It?
What is his end goal?

Sparklesocks · 17/08/2019 20:25

You said it was a chemistry a level but now it’s a foundation course?
You can see how posters are struggling to follow the narrative?

Original poster
Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 20:26

He hopes to start this year. He has to do well or he won’t get a degree. If he gets the foundation degree he will not be able to go on to do a degree course because two years of his funding will have been used up. He will have to pay £10,000 to get a degree.
If he does a repeat A level, btec or access his tuition fees will be paid by adult learner loan. This leaves his student loan facility untouched and available if he needs it. He is going away from home, but intends to work long hours at his paid job and study at the same time. This has not worked for him for the last three years odds on it won’t work for him now. SORRY I HAVE NOT USED THIS BEFORE. I SHOULD HAVE SET OUT THE PROBLEM IN MY FIRST POST

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 20:27

Technically there is no difference UNLESS he works very hard and gets moved onto the degree

OP posts:
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