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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not call my rapist Annabel

121 replies

Tyrotoxicity · 17/08/2019 00:54

Because it's not his name.

His name's Mark.

But he gets to hide behind "Annabel".

AIBU to not know what the hell to think or how to react when my rapist declares he's a woman?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tyrotoxicity · 19/08/2019 18:10

I just did a little digging (because facebook is for stalking and cat pictures, clearly).

I fucking wish I hadn't.

It would be poor form of me to quote directly, I suppose. But the way he talks about period cramps is making me feel more than a bit ill.

OP posts:

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 18:14

I'd advise against FB stalking. I don't know about you, but I'd be very likely to flip in a fit of rage and let it all out. (" what a shame your pretend womb wasn't cramping when you were raping me with your male dick" type thing).If you ever decide to tell and/or challenge him it should be when you're in control and decided to do so.

Original poster

Tyrotoxicity · 19/08/2019 18:25

Mm, I'm not planning to make a habit of it - really just wanted visual confirmation of what I'd heard. Otherwise I'd be doubting myself and feeling wrong about believing gossip without confirming it.

It's confirmed now; I won't be looking again.

OP posts:

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 18:40

I'm really sorry for what you've been through and the complete mindfuck that's happening now

SuzieQ10 · 19/08/2019 18:58

I feel so angry on your behalf OP.
He is a man. A male. And a rapist.
He has gotten away with what he did to you for so long. Who knows what he's done to others and what he is still capable of.
And now he will be allowed in private spaces with women and girls, where they are vulnerable.

I wish so much there's some way you could catch him out, get him charged and convicted. Get him punished.

Bertieandernie · 19/08/2019 19:06

Apparently women cannot “rape” men which is such sexist bullshit, so he’s probably trying to hide behind that but he sounds like a cunt !

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 19:16

Women can't rape anyone.
Rape is a male crime,requiring a penis.

Okurrrrrrrr · 19/08/2019 19:27

Apparently women cannot “rape” men which is such sexist bullshit

It's not sexist, the legal definition of rape is with a penis. Therefore women can't 'rape' a man. There is other offences that covers sexual assaults and penetrations, but rape itself is penis only.

Original poster

Tyrotoxicity · 19/08/2019 19:35

I actually have an urge to report him.

I know it'll never get to court, but I am damned sure I'm not the only woman he's pulled a stunt like this with. People always say "at least it'll be on record in case anyone else reports him" and that feels like the only constructive thing I can do with all this rage.

It's been fourteen years though. Can one even report a rape after that long?

OP posts:

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 19:47

I think you can report after that time period @Tyrotoxicity - or where would the backing & evidence for (eg famous/newsworthy) historical abuse cases come from?

Sorry can't be more clear on that one, but if you feel you need or want to report, at the very least it's an outlet for the fury, frustration & impotence you must be feeling right now.

So long as you feel you can handle the opening of the old wound when you have to go through detail in the documentation process ..?

Do you have any additional support you can call on should you choose to report? If not, please get some in place from eg Women's Aid or Rape Crisis before you do. & APOLOGIES if that came over as patronising or diminishing - you deserve huge respect & empathy for what you have handled & are now forced to re-examine.

And should you then decide to report, you have the relief & satisfaction of knowing you managed to mark his cards for him, if further victims surface.

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 19:51

Of course you can. I don't know what the odds are of it even getting into court, but you can definitely report it and provide any evidence you might have,even if it's just an account of what happened.

Good luck and hand hold whatever you decide.

Ereshkigal · 19/08/2019 19:53

It's been fourteen years though. Can one even report a rape after that long?

Yes. My friend did after 10 years and I gave a police statement about it. The case was dropped through lack of evidence but she got a huge amount of closure and says a chronic health problem cleared up afterwards.

Original poster

Tyrotoxicity · 19/08/2019 19:59

Oh, I think we can safely say this old wound's been ripped right open anyway.

I've got several rock-solid women for support, plus therapist and specialist trauma services. And of course there's always here, for when it's two in the morning and there's no one else to listen.

OP posts:

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 20:04

Aaaaw Tyro.

You bloody go for it, if it has the remotest chance of offering you any kind of relief or closure:

The case was dropped through lack of evidence but she got a huge amount of closure and says a chronic health problem cleared up afterwards.

Am so pleased for pp's chum here. xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/08/2019 20:08

Tyrotoxicity I would hope that oohwowzer‘s appalling experience is not the norm. Reporting him is an option, statistically it is not likely to end in a conviction, but it might well worry and inconvenience him. Call him what you like.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 19/08/2019 20:37

Legally he’s never been convicted and unless people report him to the police he will always be innocent. All this chat is pointless otherwise

Fuck that. I've heard that argument before, I can only assume the people who make it have never been raped or sexually abused.

It's been fourteen years though. Can one even report a rape after that long?

It was longer for me (sexual abuse when I was a child, a few decades ago) and the police seemed very eager, very keen to investigate.

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 20:45

I've heard that argument before, I can only assume the people who make it have never been raped or sexually abused.

I actually think they're an abuser or in some form of relationship with an abuser, otherwise why try and defend and point out the "innocence " of a fucking rapist against OP's words.

We're not a criminal law or his future employers. Fuck him and fuck them.

Original poster

Tyrotoxicity · 19/08/2019 21:08

I tend to just assume that people making that argument have patriarchy-brain, but then, I've a bad habit of naïvely assuming the best of people.

The slightest bit of critical thinking reveals it's an argument that primarily serves to protect rapists.

Lights I was coerced into reporting csa half a lifetime ago, a decade after it ended, so I knew one can report that after a lengthy timeframe. Wasn't sure if the same was true for rapes that occurred as an adult.

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 19/08/2019 23:55

In the UK there is no statute of limitations on rape or murder. Rightly so.

Other countries do have very different rules however. X

chickenyhead · 19/08/2019 23:57

And just because you dont press charges doesn't mean that you weren't raped.

A murdered person is still murdered even if they dont get caught.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/09/2019 23:24

Those who deride non reporters don’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about.

What Mariel has said.

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